For years, I have always perceived myself as being a social cast-a-way. Now, I realize for those who read me, you may see me as flamboyant, aggressive, and a total type A personality. Well, in truth, those emotions, or traits WERE there, but were only displayed from being intoxicated.
Now, when I was drinking, I was pretty much drunk all the time, but, from years of heavy drinking, I would seem absolutely normal. Oh sure, if you came up to me and smelled my breath, you would smell the vodka behind many various mints and mouth sprays, but you would never KNOW that I had been drinking all along.
I’m certainly not a psychiatrist, but, MY psychiatrist says I drank from a fear of abandonment. When my father killed himself and my mother was such a mess, I had lost the only close knit family I knew, until my Aunt Carol came along and helped pick up the pieces. She, from that time on, was the only GOOD thing in my life.
Even with my Aunt Carol though, I always felt alone and socially inept. Drinking was a crutch that helped fix that sense of loneliness and the alcohol seemed to help make me feel more socially in tune with others.
It was all fun and games for a while until the booze started taking over my life. I no longer just wanted a drink to more sociable; I NEEDED that drink now to do what it did so well.
The years rolled by and so did my drinking skills. Now, I could drink vast amounts of liquor and still APPEAR sober. Only I knew the vicious circle I was getting sucked into. A drink or three in the morning, then again at work to get me through the day, drunk at night until I would pass out, sometimes peeing myself and embarrassed when awakening. I was a mess, but I would start the whole thing all over again the next morning.
I guess what I am saying is, if you ARE or see yourself in these same scenarios, stop, take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself WHY? WHY am I doing this? If you can, throw out the alcohol, join an AA group, and get yourself a good sponsor. Without a good sponsor I would have gone right back to drinking again. Every day I get up, I STILL wanna drink, it’s only by the grace of God and a good sponsor that I am still on the straight and narrow.
Hopefully this has helped someone, if not, well, at least thank you for listening to my story…