A Line from Sooz

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Many of you know that I have been seeing a woman from France, you ALSO know that I am a recovering alcoholic, (Or drunk as I don’t attend meetings), here’s the thing, my recovery as slipped due to her.

Do I want to be a drunk for the rest of my life, no, do I want to continue seeing this woman who I am developing feelings for, yes, I am so confused right now. You see, as I write this I am PISSED. For those who don’t understand Gahlic, I’m drunk.

As always, it started with one drink of wine, then another and so on, now, I look forward to getting drunk with Bella and having incredible sex. You see, she is the only one I have found, who ALSO has a compatible sex drive like mine.

The more I drink, the more I want to drink, as it makes me feel Veeerrry Seeexxxxy, Meowwwwww…Bella loves to drink and get pissed, so do I but then I don’t want to LIVE the drunkard lifestyle anymore. I have taken a long time trying to get OVER this addiction and yet, it keeps pulling me back in.

I am at a crossroads here, I am falling in love with this woman, but, I realize that her habits are very bad for my sobriety. What to do, what to do? Perhaps I should Just Ask Sooz and see what SHE says, hehehehehehe.

If anyone has any thoughts on this that could help, please feel free to dish it out. I could really use the voice of reason right about now. God, it has taken me 3 times to write this….Hehehehehehehe.

Time to masturbate, MUAH to ALL!!!!!

Just Ask Sooz

 

Dear Sooz:

I am a 24 year old woman who really enjoys sex. My husband and I were married 4 years ago and we used to make love all the time, I mean twice to three times a day. Recently, he has waned to only once per week.

I have asked him if he isn’t feeling well or if something has happened down there, and he just says that he has been tired as of late. He has been working a lot lately, even sometimes into the night.

Do you think he could be secretly having an affair? I am so distraught, please help me.

Sexy Blond

 

Dear Sexy Blond:

First of all, I am not a mind reader and couldn’t tell you if your husband is having an affair. Look for the telltale signs, credit card receipts, him or his clothing smelling like perfume that is NOT yours, continued working late at night, and of course his underwear smelling of “HER”.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, after only 4 years of being married, unless he was a player before, more than likely he IS tired. If this goes on however, you may want to do some spying on your own of hire a PI to investigate. Good luck…

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I’d like to voice my opinion in your column if it’s OK? You see, I am married to a man who is 18 years my junior. I know, everyone calls me a cougar, but I must tell you, the marriage has worked fine now for over 15 years.

I am 56 and he is 38. We met doing laundry one day when he was only 23, I was 41 at the time. When people see us holding hands or kissing, they call us sick. Usually, they describe me as robbing the cradle, but I am here to tell you that we are both very much in love.

I have always liked older men, and I must say, I consider myself a very young looking 56. Even though the’re others out there who criticize us, we are both glad we decided to get married and become lifelong partners.

I just wanted those out there who would consider me someone taking advantage of a younger man wrong. Thank you for letting me air my voice in your forum.

P.S. The sex is amazing.

From the Desk of Sooz

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Hi there everyone, today I would like to explain myself. Yup, that’s right, you deserve an explanation of WHY I write the way I do…I CHOOSE to write what many consider senseless drivel.

While it is true, I don’t speak out on what’s happening in North Korea, or comment on many of the world’s major problems, it is my CHOICE NOT to write about such matters.

I leave this to the “experts” who get PAID to do this, AND, then SPIN it the way they want our people to believe it. So YES, if I write about trivial things, or sexy things, I am doing so because THIS is what I WANT to write about.

Does it mean that I am any less unformed, NO, I DO know what’s going on, I merely try and stay (For the MOST part), on a positive vein. If you would prefer me to stop writing the kind of drivel I usually write, TELL me and I will gladly stop writing here and go somewhere ELSE where I feel that what I write is considered artistic and creative.

It is a shame that the FEW jeopardize the many. This is MY two cents worth. Good day. As far as the pic is concerned, Oh well…Sue Me!!!

 

 

Do You Really Wish You Were an Oscar Mayer Wiener

 

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For years, some little kid has come on TV, and has sung the song, He Wished He Was An Oscar Mayer Wiener. My question…WHY??? Let’s be real here people, why would anyone want to give up being a Human Being to be a HOT DOG?

Sure, I know at FIRST it might be tempting, but then you have to ask yourselves, if I WERE a hot dog, someone would eat you and then Puffffff, your life is KAPUT. Just think about THAT little Mikey , no more skateboarding, pulling girls hair, or even EATING your OWN hot dog. Just 3 or 4 bites and Good Bye Mikey.

Not only THAT, just LOOK and see what’s IN a hot dog:

Turkey by products

Chicken stuff

Pork Stuff

Water

Salt, ohhh yeah, LOTS of salt

Potassium Lactate

Sodium Phosphates

Sodium Diacetate

Sodium Erythorbate

Maltrodextrin

Sodium Nitrate—Yummy

Now, don’t these sound yummy??? So WHY would you wanna BE a Hot Dog????

Was the MONEY really worth it kid, or did you get your wish, and turn INTO an Oscr Meyer Wiener? Hell, I HOPE not, I may have just EATEN poor Mikey at the game on the 4TH.

 

 

The Life of a Pencil

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It’s been a while since I have written anything really funny, so, I thought I would it would be time to give my funny bone a workout. I sat here and thought about several different things that would be funny, like North Korea and it’s crazy ass leader, bathing habits, and of course POOP.

While ALL of these are funny subjects, I’ve decided to write about A Day in the Life of a Pencil…What??? You don’t think that’s funny, Come ON!!! This will be from the perspective of the pencil. How could it NOT be funny. You’ll LAUGH your ass off.

(Big Yawn)… “What a glorious day”. “I am ready, willing and able to start my writing duties, LET’S GO!!! “Oh good, here comes a kid now, that’s it, pick me up and let’s do some drawing or writing”.

 “

Hey kid,wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, what are you DOING, Awwwwww, DON’T put your tongue on my eraser….YUCK”. “Hey kid, try using my WRITING side, what are you doing anyway, teething, Gheese”!!!

“Damn it kid, you just ATE my fucking eraser”. NOW what are you gonna do when you make a mistake”? “Well, there goes my MODELING career”. What’s WRONG with these Humans anyway”???

“OK, here we go, FINALLY, that’s it, press me nice and easy against the paper… I said EEEEEASY kid”. “Oh NO… OOOOOUCCCCHHHH!!!!!” Now you’ve broken my fucking point, will you PLEASE watch it kid”???  Hey, where are you going”? “NO, NOT the SHARPENER”…

“Shit, here it comes”. “OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH”!!!

“Oh man, I am Soooooooo FUCKING sore now. Just put me the HELL down kid, and go wreck something else”. “Thank God”… Finally, some time to rest up and recoup, good night all”…I LIVE to fight another day!!!

 

 

 

10 Things Never to do When Writing

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There are sooooooooo many people out there who write to “improve” other people’s writing, without ever explaining WHAT pitfalls to watch for when you finally DO pick up that pen and paper or computer.

 

I have devised a list of 10 things you should never do when you are writing, so that all of you potential writers have a CHANCE of making a million dollars on your next book.

 

  1. Never write when you are drunk. Ask me, I KNOW. When drunk, you believe you have written a masterpiece, when all you have actually written is something right out of Sooz’s Nursery Rhymes.

 

  1. Never write when you are tired. If you DO, the brain wants to finish your article toot suite, and it ends up going in the rejection bin in the morning. It is better just to sit down, relax, have 6 or 7 drinks, pass out and then try again in the morning. (The writing that is, NOT the drinking).

 

  1. While having sex. It CAN be done, but it is very difficult. Either finish your love play first, OR your writing.

 

  1. While watching TV. All I can say here is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! This is a big no no. Too much interference that messes with your creativity. Finish watching House Hunters and THEN write.

 

  1. Never write on an empty OR a full stomach. If you write while you are hungry, you are always thinking about food. If you write on a full stomach, you are either thinking about sleeping OR puking. Enough said here.

 

  1. Never write about a personal experience you had unless it is EXTREEMLY funny or horrifying. Nothing else is really interesting; again…Ask me, I’ll tell you.

 

  1. Never write while you are depressed. If you do, no one will EVER read you again. Just sayin’.

 

  1. Never write when you are sleepy. If you do, you will find a story like this. Once upon a time………………………………………………………………….. nnnnnnnnnnnjjjjjjjjjjjjjjklkjchhdecwdclksMcSC,m d/w.md wlejl  kwc

 

  1. Never write when you are butt naked. Sure, it feels great, BUT…Then you have to stop every 15 minutes to masturbate and you lose the coherency of the story. Again, personal experience.

 

OK… There IS no number 10 because as you have probably figured out, I AM drunk and this whole thing is a compilation of drivel. I’ll hit the sack and try again when I am sober.

Bye for now…