Wacky Christmas Gifts

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In keeping with the Holiday spirit, I’ve decided to give an early release date for the wacky Xmas gifts. Please pick what YOU would like to get for your Aunt Mildred or Uncle Stachu.

For those of you who do White Elephant Gifting, here are a couple of great ideas for that someone special.

  • How about an ACTUAL White Elephant? You’ll have to white wash it, but hey, how can you go wrong?
  • Image result for A white elephant

 

  • Food for a month for your White Elephant. This usually will be just a tad bit more than the elephant itself, figure maybe 2000 dollars per day.

 

  • Lodging for your White Elephant-I doubt that you have a bedroom large enough to keep it so figure another 7K for the pen.

 

  • The ultimate wine Bottle glass-Take your favorite wine and pour it in the glass. It will hold the entire bottle. For those of you like ME, better buy 3, just in case your friend gets REALLY thirsty.
  • BigMouth Inc. Wine Bottle Glass

 

Or, how about some bacon toothpaste, hey, we ALL like bacon right?

These are just SOME of the ideas I have in mind so don’t delay, BUY them today.

Accoutrements Mr. Bacon's 2.5 Oz Bacon Flavored Toothpaste

 

Until Later…

 

 

 

Sensuality

Breasts

Luscious, salacious lips,

Slightly brushing tender erogenous nether regions.

Quiet moaning, erupting from a darkened arena.

Inhaling and exhaling, faster and faster at uneven paces.

 

Sounds of pleasure scream out from a quiet night.

Yessss, Oh Yessss, Ummmmm, Ahhhhhhh, YESSSSSS!!!!

Take me…Fuck me…Ohhhh… as the moaning becomes deafening.

Backs full of sweat with passions fire rising higher and higher.

 

Screaming out…FUCK ME!!!  I’m Cumming…

Then, a scream fills a once silent room…

Breasts lie silently against pressed flesh,

And all is a quiet, as sexual peace is once again restored to, a satisfied partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

Image result for drunken sex+cartoon

Dear Sooz:

I am embarrassed to ask this question but I’m going to do it anyway. My boyfriend and I have a regular sex life, but, last night, we went to a club and I got a little tipsy. The truth is, I was blasted.

When we got home, my boyfriend, (let’s call him Tom), asked if he could try anal sex. In my condition I said sure and then off came the clothes. I must admit, I was enjoying it after the initial penetration.

Anyway, what I failed to mention was it was unprotected. I was drunk and he was high so it just slipped both of our minds to use protection. Now, I am all worried about a possible pregnancy. What are your thoughts on this?

Drunken Experimenter

 

Dear Drunken Experimenter:

Obviously there is NO direct route from your anus to your vagina, however, if he was playing around OUTSIDE your anus and he had pre-cum NEAR your Vagina, it IS possible that one of those million little sperm buggers could have sneaked in and got to an egg.

Now, THIS is a Loooooong shot however. While I also enjoy anal sex, I recommend using a condom at all times. Remember that STD’S can be acquired without protection in addition to OTHER nasty diseases.

While I can’t give you a clean bill of health on the pregnancy, I WOULD advise you to stop fretting about this. Your odds of becoming pregnant this way are VERY SLIM.

I hope this has answered your question. Good Luck!!!

 

Sooz’s Christmas Letter to Santa

Image result for woman writing a letter to Santa while Drunk

Dear Santa:

As I write this Santa, I must admit I have been drinking. I hope that will not deter you from gracing my chimney and adding a load of presents by my tree. I must admit, for ME, I’ve been a “good” girl this year Santa, and if you’re good to me, I will make sure that you AND your reindeer have a ton of food to eat Xmas Eve.

Now for my gifts, since I am an alcoholic Santa, no one wants to be in a steady relationship with me, I was hoping you could find someone who could see me for the good things I do and accept me for who I am, you see, I am a lonely woman Santa, and a companion like that would really be appreciated.

I know what you’re going to say, “STOP DRINKING, and maybe I can get someone”. Believe you me Santa, I have tried and tried but to no avail. At this stage of my life, I could really use someone who is accepting rather than judgmental, ya know?

I KNOW that’s a tough one, but I would really like it if you could do something. I would also for at least 24 hours, true peace on Earth. I realize that THIS ask is for the Supreme Being, but I thought maybe you’ve had dealings with Her/Him before, so maybe that would be in the rehlm of possibility.

 Again, I realize this is a BIG ask, but, I believe once felt, they will continue on which will make the world a better place. I thank you for your kind attention, and say hi to Mrs. Clause for me. All the best,

Love,

Sooz

 

 

 

Christmas Memories

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Christmas time is, and always has been my favorite time of the year. Is it because of the lights or the Holiday Spirit, well, partly, but most of all, I LOVE giving to the poor and underprivileged.

I’m NOT patting myself on the back here, I am able to, and as such, I believe that by giving we receive. Does that make sense? They’re so many folks who have little or next to nothing who ALSO deserve a warm meal and some presents for their kids.

Years ago, my father instilled this in me as he would open our house up to help feed many underprivileged families. My mother would cook and cook until everyone was satisfied. Then, my father (who had hired someone to play Santa), would sing Christmas Carols as Santa handed out the presents to the children who were there.

Everyone, at least on Christmas Eve would leave a little happier than they came. I never forgot this lesson, on Xmas Eve, I go to the soup kitchens and help them cook and serve for countless people who would otherwise have little to eat.

Why do I do it, because to me, it is a blessing which reminds me of my gratefulness to the Almighty for being ABLE to give back? To ME, THIS is the REAL meaning of Christmas.

May you all have a very nice Holiday, and let me challenge you, (If you are able), to in some small way give back to those who may NOT have such a nice Christmas as you.

God Bless You All…

Until Later…

 

 

Christmas in November  

Image result for Drunk woman dressed as elf

Is it ME, or does it seems like Xmas comes earlier and earlier? I was in the store the other day, and all of the Xmas stuff was already out. This was BEFORE Thanksgiving mind you…WHAT???

All the holiday signs and lights were raised, Xmas trees towering high in the sky, filled with multi-colored lights that practically blind you as you drive by. Did I MISS something? Isn’t Xmas still celebrated on December 25th?

I mean REALLY!!! At THIS rate, I will have to start sending out my Xmas cards NOW…I am just not ready for an EARLY Xmas this year, are YOU? Hell, I haven’t even written my Xmas list to Santa yet, Jeez!!!

Of course, being the magical elf that he is, I’m sure he already KNOWS what I want, 10 cases of Grey Goose Vodka and oh yeah, a real pretty Xmas elf for me to play with too.

Anyway, I digress; I was talking about the stores unbelievable startup of the Season. Already the JOYOUS times of the Season are being observed, people bitching about parking spots, pissed off that the items they want are already sold out and won’t be restocked until AFTER Christmas, and ALL of that good Holiday cheer. Ya gotta LOVE it.

Nothing says Xmas like the days PRECEDING it, right? How about THIS year we take it all in stride and do what I do, if things aren’t going right, just take two or three DEEP breaths, and a HUGE glass of Vodka, or your favorite calmer downer.

Now, that may not FIX what’s wrong, but, it will go a long way on improving your mood. Trust me, I KNOW these things. In fact, while putting up my tree this year, I discovered my lights were screwed up. Did I get all upset and tear down that F**KING tree, NO, I just poured myself a stiff one, and masturbated myself until I was drunk and calm.

This is good advice folks…OK, time for my drunken nap.

Until Later…