Christmas in November

Is it ME, or does it seems like Xmas comes earlier and earlier? I was in the store the other day, and all of the Xmas stuff was already out. This was BEFORE Thanksgiving mind you…WHAT???

All the holiday signs and lights were raised, Xmas trees towering high in the sky, filled with multi-colored lights that practically blind you as you drive by. Did I MISS something? Isn’t Xmas still celebrated on December 25^th?

I mean REALLY!!! At THIS rate, I will have to start sending out my Xmas cards NOW…I am just not ready for an EARLY Xmas this year, are YOU? Hell, I haven’t even written my Xmas list to Santa yet, Jeez!!!

Of course, being the magical elf that he is, I’m sure he already KNOWS what I want, 10 cases of Grey Goose Vodka and oh yeah, a real pretty Xmas elf for me to play with too.

Anyway, I digress; I was talking about the stores unbelievable startup of the Season. Already the JOYOUS times of the Season are being observed, people bitching about parking spots, pissed off that the items they want are already sold out and won’t be restocked until AFTER Christmas, and ALL of that good Holiday cheer. Ya gotta LOVE it.

Nothing says Xmas like the days PRECEDING it, right? How about THIS year we take it all in stride and do what I do, if things aren’t going right, just take two or three DEEP breaths, and a HUGE glass of Vodka, or your favorite calmer downer.

Now, that may not FIX what’s wrong, but, it will go a long way on improving your mood. Trust me, I KNOW these things. In fact, while putting up my tree this year, I discovered my lights were screwed up. Did I get all upset and tear down that F**KING tree, NO, I just poured myself a stiff one, and masturbated myself until I was drunk and calm.

This is good advice folks…OK, time for my drunken nap.

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

Naughty or Nice

Bless me WordPress for I have sinned. I went shopping today with a buzz on and did the following:

1. I yelled at 3 people that tried to buy something I wanted when there was only ONE item of each left. They called me a drunken Biatch, but, I still wound up with the items I wanted so THERE F**k heads. 

2. I waited in line to see Santa and gave him a Lap Dance…What??? Hey, Not my fault, I was buzzed. I must say though, Santa had a BIG present for me, and I liked it. I tried to get his number for later, but he said he was married so I thought better of calling him. 

3. I gave the Salvation Army Santa a hundred dollar bill, and when I asked if it was OK to feel his ass, he agreed. See, money CAN buy you SOME things. Man, I LOVE ASSES. 

4. I stopped at a couple of bars for some Xmas cheer, and I must admit, I was VERY cheerful when I left. I had kissed at least 3 patrons, including the female bartender. Will I burn in Hell??? 

5. I got home, staggered in the door, fell to the floor, and decided I might just as well Masturbate while I was there, I was very HORNY!!! 

6. After the deed was done, I crawled to my bar, grabbed a bottle of Vodka and drank it till I passed out. I just woke up now. I am somewhat sober still, BUT, I can surely fix that. 

OK, how many prayers am I going to have to say to FIX all of that, 10, 50, 100, WHAT??? That was MY day folks, I hope YOURS went a lot more smoothly. Until next time…

P.S.—In case you were wondering, I have a driver that takes me around. I do NOT Drink and Drive!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Line From Sooz

Tonight brings me to THINKING about the Holiday season.. It’s Christmas, a time when all people are supposed to be relaxed, happy, and joyful. BS I say!!!

If we’re honest with ourselves, (I’m speaking mostly to the women here), it’s the busiest, most stressful, aggravating time of the year.

No offense guys, but, usually it’s us women who write the cards, buy all the gifts, wrap them, bake the cookies, do the cooking, and ten thousand OTHER things during this “Happy and Fun” time of the year.

Christmas is SUPPOSED to be a peaceful time, honoring the birth of Christ, NOT seeing who has the best price for Aunt Irma’s gloves. God bless all you women who get it all done and STILL have a great attitude, you ought to get a medal.

I must admit, I am NOT one of you. As much as I enjoy the holiday, it’s a time of year I go off the deep end just a little bit. DON’T get me wrong, I am NOT a raving maniac the rest of the year, just around Xmas.

I’ve been known to push and shove people in the stores, and once, I got so mad, I tipped over the store Xmas tree at a major chain store. Sure, I had had a few, “pops” before I went out, but STILL, when they say they have an item, dammit, HAVE THE ITEM.

Luckily, the judge let me off with just a huge fine, and told me never to go to that store again, I HAVEN’T. You see my point though, right? No Ho- Ho- Ho there, just a hangover the next day and a little more stress added to my Holiday fun.

Everybody, do me a favor, be a dear this Christmas. If you are married, have a significant other, or perhaps EVEN your Mom, treat them with respect, and thank the living dickens out of them for making your Christmas go off without a hitch.

Then, you can write me, and thank me for being, and writing a BITCH letter. Merry Christmas to ALL…Cheers!!!