Just Ask Sooz

Jaroslav Čermák (1831 - 1878) - Sv. Mikuláš.jpg

Dear Sooz:

My daughter is 5 and she has just asked me if there is a real Santa Claus. Of course I said yes, but, I would like to give her an answer that would satisfy her. Her friends at school say that there isn’t any such thing as Santa Claus. Please help me.

Frustrated Mom

 

Dear frustrated Mom:

Tell your daughter that Santa Claus does exist. He is formed from the LOVE that exists because of the Saint, Nicholas. Nicholas was a very kind man living over 2000 years ago near Turkey.

Often, he would leave food for the poor, and buy small gifts for the poor family’s children. He would do this in secret so that the recipients would not know who left them.

He did so love the children that he would go and sit in the square while little children would come up to him with their parents. He would talk to them asking if they had been good, and then he would speak with them about the true meaning of Christmas.

It was during these times he would ask the children, if they could have what they wanted, what would it be? Being from a wealthy family, Nicholas would purchase the gifts, then find out where they lived. He would deliver the gifts that the children wanted, along with a large Xmas turkey for their family.

Of course all of his gift and food donations were held to the utmost secrecy. It is from him where Santa Claus (Sinterklaas) was born. After his death, the townspeople carried on his tradition of secret gift giving which carried on through the ages.

To prove it further, millions of pieces of mail are sent to post offices yearly from all over the globe addressed to Santa Clause, c/o The North Pole. So yes, my dear there IS a Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas…

 

 

 

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and Critics

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Here I am watching my favorite animated Xmas show, and my phone rings. I answer it and it I a girlfriend of mine. She says “Hi Sooz, what are you doing?” I tell her I am watching Rudolph and she says,” You know, that show has been criticized up and down by the critics.”

“What”, I say, bewildered, “That’s one of my favorite Xmas shows, how in the Hell could ANYTHING be wrong with THAT movie?” She says, “Well, it’s being criticized for bullying and for demeaning the character of Rudolph.”

“You know, when Santa visits the Donners, and Rudolph’s nose starts to glow, Santa says, I hope it disappears  because otherwise he won’t be able to be on the sleigh team.”

“Also, when he is trying out for the sleigh team, after he covers his nose, his cover comes off, his nose shines, and everybody deserts him and won’t let him play any reindeer games.”

Herbie on the other hand is shown as a gay elf and is ostracized because he wants to become a dentist instead of following the long tradition of elf toy making, oh, and yes his voice is also not macho but somewhat feminine.

Now, I don’t know about you, but, I always thought that both Rudolph AND Herbie overcame these Things once they defeated the abominable snow monster. When the storm outside the North Pole was too severe to even go OUT for Xmas Eve and deliver toys, who was the one that Santa had to ask to LEAD his sleigh? That’s right, Rudolph, so Owwwwwwww… In the end, Herbie fixes the Elves and everyones teeth, and everyone loves him, as they do Rudolph. So why criticize the whole F**&ing story? Everything worked out in the end so LAY OFF my story, critics.

Thank you.

Until Later…

Wacky Christmas Gifts

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In keeping with the Holiday spirit, I’ve decided to give an early release date for the wacky Xmas gifts. Please pick what YOU would like to get for your Aunt Mildred or Uncle Stachu.

For those of you who do White Elephant Gifting, here are a couple of great ideas for that someone special.

  • How about an ACTUAL White Elephant? You’ll have to white wash it, but hey, how can you go wrong?
  • Image result for A white elephant

 

  • Food for a month for your White Elephant. This usually will be just a tad bit more than the elephant itself, figure maybe 2000 dollars per day.

 

  • Lodging for your White Elephant-I doubt that you have a bedroom large enough to keep it so figure another 7K for the pen.

 

  • The ultimate wine Bottle glass-Take your favorite wine and pour it in the glass. It will hold the entire bottle. For those of you like ME, better buy 3, just in case your friend gets REALLY thirsty.
  • BigMouth Inc. Wine Bottle Glass

 

Or, how about some bacon toothpaste, hey, we ALL like bacon right?

These are just SOME of the ideas I have in mind so don’t delay, BUY them today.

Accoutrements Mr. Bacon's 2.5 Oz Bacon Flavored Toothpaste

 

Until Later…

 

 

 

Sooz’s Christmas Letter to Santa

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Dear Santa:

As I write this Santa, I must admit I have been drinking. I hope that will not deter you from gracing my chimney and adding a load of presents by my tree. I must admit, for ME, I’ve been a “good” girl this year Santa, and if you’re good to me, I will make sure that you AND your reindeer have a ton of food to eat Xmas Eve.

Now for my gifts, since I am an alcoholic Santa, no one wants to be in a steady relationship with me, I was hoping you could find someone who could see me for the good things I do and accept me for who I am, you see, I am a lonely woman Santa, and a companion like that would really be appreciated.

I know what you’re going to say, “STOP DRINKING, and maybe I can get someone”. Believe you me Santa, I have tried and tried but to no avail. At this stage of my life, I could really use someone who is accepting rather than judgmental, ya know?

I KNOW that’s a tough one, but I would really like it if you could do something. I would also for at least 24 hours, true peace on Earth. I realize that THIS ask is for the Supreme Being, but I thought maybe you’ve had dealings with Her/Him before, so maybe that would be in the rehlm of possibility.

 Again, I realize this is a BIG ask, but, I believe once felt, they will continue on which will make the world a better place. I thank you for your kind attention, and say hi to Mrs. Clause for me. All the best,

Love,

Sooz

 

 

 

Christmas Memories

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Christmas time is, and always has been my favorite time of the year. Is it because of the lights or the Holiday Spirit, well, partly, but most of all, I LOVE giving to the poor and underprivileged.

I’m NOT patting myself on the back here, I am able to, and as such, I believe that by giving we receive. Does that make sense? They’re so many folks who have little or next to nothing who ALSO deserve a warm meal and some presents for their kids.

Years ago, my father instilled this in me as he would open our house up to help feed many underprivileged families. My mother would cook and cook until everyone was satisfied. Then, my father (who had hired someone to play Santa), would sing Christmas Carols as Santa handed out the presents to the children who were there.

Everyone, at least on Christmas Eve would leave a little happier than they came. I never forgot this lesson, on Xmas Eve, I go to the soup kitchens and help them cook and serve for countless people who would otherwise have little to eat.

Why do I do it, because to me, it is a blessing which reminds me of my gratefulness to the Almighty for being ABLE to give back? To ME, THIS is the REAL meaning of Christmas.

May you all have a very nice Holiday, and let me challenge you, (If you are able), to in some small way give back to those who may NOT have such a nice Christmas as you.

God Bless You All…

Until Later…

 

 

Sooz Plays the Mother????

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How many people  see  me as the “mother type”? Well, I must admit if I am being honest, I never saw myself as the type, until a good friend of mine asked me to babysit her one year old baby girl.

When she asked, immediately two thoughts came to mind:

  • One…Why me???
  • I will need to be SOBER to do this gig, right?

I must admit, I DO love kids, I just never saw myself taking care of any. I mean I am a pretty regimented gal, you know, up at 6.00, drunk as a skunk by noon, nap until 4:00, and then repeat.

So taking a baby under wing for a few hours did cause me a bit of concern. In the end however, I decided that I could do it, and REALLY, how hard could it be to take care of a one year old anyway?

When my girlfriend dropped her off, I was like, is she moving IN or what? She brought diapers,(NOT PAMPERS), cloth…I didn’t even know they still MADE these anymore. Along with her came a carrying bag filled with every goodie made by man.

She had diaper wipes, ass creams, spit up rags, (WHAT???)  bottles, formula, (What, was this kid going to do, calculus or something?), cute little teething rings of teddy bears and flowers, a nightgown, some kind of white dusting powder that looked like Coke, I think, (eyes looking up to God), and a LIST of what to do in case of an emergency.

NOW, I was scared. I never changed a REAL diaper, let alone been responsible for a child’s nutrition. I kept thinking, couldn’t I be just a “LITTLE DRUNK”…Oui!!! No, I just smiled and said everything would be fine (Lying through my teeth).

I took position of the little creature and before my friend left I asked…”What time will you be home”? She said, “late”, and closed the door. Now I was panicked. What should I do first?

I grabbed the cheat, cheat list and it said FEED HER. I was lucky and was able to get some milk down the kid. Next it said BURP HER??? WHAT??? I looked at Molly as I kept saying “burp kid”, come on, you can do it. With enough pleading and praying, she finally let out a big BUUUUUUUURRRRRP.

Phew, I thought as I stood there proud of myself for making a kid burp. Hey, maybe I had just discovered a new career. Molly was fine for about an hour when I started to smell this rank smell. Praying that it wouldn’t be “The Diaper Change”, I slowly lifted her up to my nose. Yes I did…I puked all over God and Country . Molly needed a change. After I cleaned up me, and the carpet, I gave Molly ago. How hard could this be right? After twenty minutes of scattering poop all over, I finally called a friend of mine who walked me through it on Skype. I needed a drink, or ten.

I got Molly to bed, I sat down, and took a deep breath…I had MADE it!!! Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door and my friend returned. THANK YOU JESUS!!!

After she left, I opened the biggest bottle of vodka you can think of, and drank myself to sleep hoping I would never remember this experience again.

Until Later…

 

 

Christmas Past

Hi everyone. I hope your day is going as well as mine. I am curled up by the fireplace that I hardly ever use, with of course my favorite bottle of Vodka with cranberry.

I am actually a bit pensive today, just dreaming about some of my best Christmas experiences. I remember one Christmas Eve, I must have been about 5, our home was decorated to the nines, as my Daddy did so love Christmas, and the smell that came from our kitchen as Mom was making our Christmas dinner was AMAZING.

My dad was the most loving, and kind man on Earth. That year, he had called down to the City Mission, and invited all the homeless to visit US for a wonderful Christmas dinner.

Seriously, he did. One by one, there would be a knock at the door, and our home would quickly come alive with the wanton of our Society. Mom had prepared an amazing repast, Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casseroles, freshly baked rolls, and of course a HUGE Figgy Pudding for dessert. OH MY!!!

I remember my daddy greeting the less fortunate at the door like they were all FAMILY, and he welcomed them ALL into our home. He would play Xmas songs on the piano while everyone would join in and sing. Good times.

People would eat and eat as my mom quickly replenished the food for everyone. Memories like this filled my soul full of joy, and they have transformed ME into a better Human being.

Oh sure, I still have my faults, but I ALWAYS remember the poor, and how happy they were, at least for a night when they regained their love for each other. To this day, I go to the mission, and invite the downtrodden for dinner. They are indeed the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

Sorry, I seemed to have rambled on a bit here, I do that after tipping a few pops. I sincerely hope you have enjoyed my Christmas past, and I urge you all to at least say a prayer this Holiday Season for those who are less fortunate than you. Believe me, you will be blessed 7 Times 7.

Good night, Happy Hanukkah, a very Merry Xmas to all.

 

 

 

The Great Light Fight Debate

Hi everyone. If you’re like me, you are enjoying all the joys of the Holiday season. If NOT, what’s your problem Mr. Grinch? Anyway, I came here today because I’ve been watching The Great Light Fight on Television.

For those of you who either live in a closet, or, don’t watch TV, it’s a show about who can decorate their houses the most gaudy, and fill up their ENTIRE property line full of lights, blow up figures, and mind boggling displays to music.

People who are expert judges, (Celebrities), come to see which house can make their electric meter move the fastest for the longest length of time. If you are declared the winner, you get 50,000 dollars AND, the best part, a Christmas Ornament that lights up with the old style Christmas bulbs.

My question…WHY??? Look, I am all for lighting your home for the Holidays, BUT, some of these people start in October to have their display done for Xmas. Again…WHY???

Some of the participants have as many as 2 acres to light, and by golly, they DO. I don’t know how you guys feel about this, but I just think it is Cray Cray. I mean, WHO has TIME to do all of this work? Fifty foot lit Xmas trees, merry go rounds, Ferris Wheels, and a Santa’s Workshop, (All home made), with the REAL SANTA working inside. OK, I MAY have lied about the real Santa, but, everything else was true.

Are they nice? Yes, but in my opinion, they lean towards the GAUDY. I mean WHO NEEDS all of that? Is it worth it for 50K and a 12.00 dollar trophy ornament? Not to me. So, that begs the question, why do people go through all this effort for such a SHORT period of time?

On TV, it’s because they are carrying on the work of their parents, or their wife who just passed. Is this for REAL, or is it just good Television? I’ll let you folks decide. Write me and let me know what YOU think. In the mean time, I guess I better go out and buy a few more lights.

Until Later…

 

 

Dear Santa

Image result for sexy xmas outfit

Dear Santa

Once again, it’s time for all of us “Good Girls” to write Santa for our Xmas requests. I, for one, have been a VERY good girl so I believe having a 125 page list is JUSTIFIED!!!

I’ve decided to only ask for the top five on my list because, well, let’s face it Santa, you are a busy guy and may not be able to fit ALL my presents in your sack along with all your other good girls and boys. 

OK, so here goes Santa: 

  1. I want a Pink Cheery Pro 40 Clitoral Stimulator in magenta—For those long and lonely nights. Cum on Santa, wink, YOU know what I’m talking about. 
  1. A 10 function little black panty thong—This little baby when worn, can bring you to the “BIG O” while shopping, or in the boudoir with your favorite date. A MUST have for EVERY sexy gal. 
  1. How about a sustained loving relationship, either girl OR guy, (As long as he has a big dick). I could really USE one. Hey, how about you, are you tired of the old ball and chain yet? Maybe she is baking you sugar FREE cookies these days, or using SKIM milk? What do ya say baby, give me a go? 
  1. I would like all my friends here to become rich and famous. There, who SAYS I am NOT generous. 
  1. Peace to ALL Nations—I REALIZE this is a tall order Santa, I am just afraid that Humanity cannot solve all the problems we have by themselves. Your helpful, smiling ways would certainly make a big difference throughout the planet. Please see what you can do, OK? 

 I want to thank you for reading this, and I hope you can accommodate me on my wish list. I sincerely hope that you, Rudolph, and all the other elves and reindeer have a very Happy and Merry Christmas. 

  1. P.S. —When I said I was “A Good Girl” this year, I meant to say as good as I could be.

Muah Santa,

 Love ya.

Sooz

“Mary Did You Know”

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This song in my opinion, is the perfect Christmas song. Just think about the words as the imaginary being speaks to the Mother of God, asking her questions. How beautiful are these lyrics, AND the meaning behind them. This is MY favorite Christmas song and I hope it is one of yours. Pentatonix does a great version of this on YouTube.

May you and yours be filled with the love during this Holiday Season, and may it resonate with you forever. God Bless and Keep you ALL, no matter WHAT faith you may be.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you’re holding is the great “I am”