Do You Really Wish You Were an Oscar Mayer Wiener

 

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For years, some little kid has come on TV, and has sung the song, He Wished He Was An Oscar Mayer Wiener. My question…WHY??? Let’s be real here people, why would anyone want to give up being a Human Being to be a HOT DOG?

Sure, I know at FIRST it might be tempting, but then you have to ask yourselves, if I WERE a hot dog, someone would eat you and then Puffffff, your life is KAPUT. Just think about THAT little Mikey , no more skateboarding, pulling girls hair, or even EATING your OWN hot dog. Just 3 or 4 bites and Good Bye Mikey.

Not only THAT, just LOOK and see what’s IN a hot dog:

Turkey by products

Chicken stuff

Pork Stuff

Water

Salt, ohhh yeah, LOTS of salt

Potassium Lactate

Sodium Phosphates

Sodium Diacetate

Sodium Erythorbate

Maltrodextrin

Sodium Nitrate—Yummy

Now, don’t these sound yummy??? So WHY would you wanna BE a Hot Dog????

Was the MONEY really worth it kid, or did you get your wish, and turn INTO an Oscr Meyer Wiener? Hell, I HOPE not, I may have just EATEN poor Mikey at the game on the 4TH.

 

 

The Life of a Pencil

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It’s been a while since I have written anything really funny, so, I thought I would it would be time to give my funny bone a workout. I sat here and thought about several different things that would be funny, like North Korea and it’s crazy ass leader, bathing habits, and of course POOP.

While ALL of these are funny subjects, I’ve decided to write about A Day in the Life of a Pencil…What??? You don’t think that’s funny, Come ON!!! This will be from the perspective of the pencil. How could it NOT be funny. You’ll LAUGH your ass off.

(Big Yawn)… “What a glorious day”. “I am ready, willing and able to start my writing duties, LET’S GO!!! “Oh good, here comes a kid now, that’s it, pick me up and let’s do some drawing or writing”.

 “

Hey kid,wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, what are you DOING, Awwwwww, DON’T put your tongue on my eraser….YUCK”. “Hey kid, try using my WRITING side, what are you doing anyway, teething, Gheese”!!!

“Damn it kid, you just ATE my fucking eraser”. NOW what are you gonna do when you make a mistake”? “Well, there goes my MODELING career”. What’s WRONG with these Humans anyway”???

“OK, here we go, FINALLY, that’s it, press me nice and easy against the paper… I said EEEEEASY kid”. “Oh NO… OOOOOUCCCCHHHH!!!!!” Now you’ve broken my fucking point, will you PLEASE watch it kid”???  Hey, where are you going”? “NO, NOT the SHARPENER”…

“Shit, here it comes”. “OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH”!!!

“Oh man, I am Soooooooo FUCKING sore now. Just put me the HELL down kid, and go wreck something else”. “Thank God”… Finally, some time to rest up and recoup, good night all”…I LIVE to fight another day!!!

 

 

 

Sooz’s Diary

 

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** Erotic Content**

Pent-up, tense, and wild like a cat, that’s how I felt. School had been going well, but I was tired living like a NUN. Sometimes the urge just gets to be too much, and I just need that release. I KNEW how to satisfy that itch,   so I called Madame Olga and made an appointment.

Hotter and wetter I got just thinking about the pain and the pleasure awaiting me. I must admit, while I enjoy ALL sex, S&M has always been one of my favorite varieties. The whack of the riding crop on my ass followed by the gentle kissing and feathering technique has ALWAYS brought me to orgasm.

Olga met me at the door and kissed me hard while gently feeling my breasts on top of my white silk blouse. I smelled whiskey on her breath and it made me wish I had never quit. You haven’t been drinking; she said as she removed her hand from my tits and placed one on my ass.

“I quit”, I said. “Oh NO”, she said with a smile, “that won’t do, I like you nice and drunk, now come and drink with me”. She disappeared and in a couple of minutes, she brought out a whole pitcher of Vodka and Cranberry.

“But I…” “Nonsense”, she said, “my house, my rules”. I took a long pull from my drink and it was like Heaven. Warm sensations ran from my lips to my Nether Region and I knew that this was NOT going to be my last drink.

We drank for an hour, and once again, ALL my inhibitions were gone, the world was my oyster, I was drunk. Olga, what a beauty, long flowing blond hair, luscious thicker lips and a body that wouldn’t quit, I WANTED her. Her tight leather outfit accentuated all her charms like honey on a bee hive.

She undressed me slowly while teasing me with those beautiful lips. For tonight, I was hers, and she knew it. She tied my hands with rope and made me get on my knees. “You’ve been a BAD girl Sooz, you need to be punished”. She took out her riding crop and laid it against my ass. Again and again the angry whip flew until the pain had been offset by a tool made entirely of feathers. God did that feel good. Again with the whip followed by gentle licking kisses. Then, something I wasn’t expecting, she stood me up, went and got a hot towel and placed it between my legs while holding it on both sides.

“Piss yourself”, she commanded, and I did. Warm, comforting yellow piss ran from my taint into the towel and onto the marks on my ass. I was just about to Cum when Olga removed the towel and started kissing and licking my dripping piss.

Nothing more to say, I came till there was no tomorrow. Olga smiled at me and said, “Feel better now”? “OMG”, I panted out, “that was amazing”. She untied my hands, gave me a robe and said, “You’re too drunk to drive, you’ll stay here tonight with me”.

I happily agreed and returned the favor for HER in the morning. “I needed that”. I wanted a drink, but decided against it and we said our good-byes. I returned to school happier and with a lot less nunnery on my mind.

Until Later…

 

 

Santa or Krampus…Hmmmmm.

The song Santa Claus is Coming to Town is a warning to all the kids out there to be good, OTHERWISE, instead of St Nick coming to town, it might just be Krampus instead.

Krampus is the DEMON Santa Clause who comes to bad children’s homes and can do mean and awful things: like kidnap them, and take them to Hell, beat them with Birch branches or whips, but usually, instead of presents, the children might only receive a lump of coal.

I know there were plenty of years that I would look outside my bedroom window just waiting to see who would come, Santa, or Krampus, as my mother would tell me the horrible things that this monster was capable of.

Usually, she would laugh afterwards and then return to her evening drunk. Ahhh, life in MY house. It wasn’t until I was about 9 before I no longer kept a watchful eye out. I kept wondering why Krampus never took away evil PARENTS, why just the kids?

Thankfully, I realize today that Krampus was not real and that my mother was just trying to scare the Be-Jesus out of me, it WORKED. To this day, I still  CAN’T watch the Grinch because it reminds me of Krampus.

Kids…Just be good and you will NEVER have to worry about Krampus . Sure, you might STILL get coal as a gift, BUT, hopefully, it will be compressed into a beautiful diamond shape with a proposal following.

Until Later…

 

                            

 

 

Twas the Night Before Xmas Parody

  I wrote this a while ago but I liked it so much I thought I would re post it. I hope you enjoy it.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring except for a couple of rats in my walls and the bat which came down my chimney.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but NOT carefully enough because the long assed stockings caught fire and nearly burned down my mantle.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, at least THIS is what the parents thought. The crafty little bastards were already stealthily searching the house for their presents.

And mamma in her kerchief, and me in my hat, were drunk as a skunk and ready for a nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed and called the cops. “Hey…I’m trying to sleep here.”

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and dropped all my Hash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow seemed to rise and to fall like freshly baked dough. Hey…They can’t ALL be funny…”Give me a freakin’ break will ya??????”

When what to my wondering eyes should appear a HUGE ass sleigh and eight big as elephants Reindeer. I quit drinking Scotch shortly after that.

With a little old driver so lively and quick, I saw Santa Clause; the booze had done its trick.

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.” Hearing this I shouted out “WTF!!!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, (???), when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. (SERIOUSLY????) So up to the housetop, the coursers they flew, (Why didn’t they just call them the f**king Reindeer?),with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. I hope that red suited old man doesn’t expect ME to clean up that Reindeer Poop on the roof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He ruined my WHOLE freakin’ chimney too that fat bastard.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet, (Sale on at Macy’s), and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Serves the A hole right for comin’ don my chimney.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And I thought…GREAT…This guy stole from the Toys for Tots shelter.

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cheery. No WONDER… His breath smelled like he had just come from a major WINE tasting Vineyard.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. I think he colors it…

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. OK…I’m being KIND here…The guy HAD to weigh in at over 500 lbs.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (I never KNEW that Santa WAS an elf), and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, he scared the livin’ bejesus out of me, kinda like the exorcist. Oh wait…This doesn’t rhyme…Oh well…!?!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the remaining BURNT stockings then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he picked out the booger and up the chimney he rose.

He staggered to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him explain, as he drove out of sight, “DON’T tell anyone and have a good night.”

Happy Christmas!!!

Until Later…

Christmas Gifts for Me

Image result for sexy woman clad in an xmas bow

Ho Ho Ho everyone, Merry Christmas. In case some of you were wondering what I want for Christmas this year, I thought I would get ahead of the game and give you some ideas.

First off. let me give you two words- Victoria Secret, I just Love ANYTHING sexy so… Go for broke folks, Please me, AND  I’ll Please you. I especially like very frilly under garments, so knock yourselves out. Red, by the way is my FAVORITE color.

Long walks by the seashore are always a great gift, followed by a nice late dinner. Surf and Turf is my favorite meal,  just a little heads up. Expensive you say, well, yes but I am absolutely WORTH it.

I also love trips, any trips really as long as they are in romantic destinations like Paris or perhaps Rome. I have always been partial to Paris and the Parisian way of life with romance in the air everywhere.

Surprise me and take me on a tour somewhere I’ve never been before, like Liver Pool England. I have always been a fan of The Beatles and I would love to visit their  old hangouts. If you DO, I will assure you that I will bring my frilly underwear. At the end of the meal, dessert is on ME.

Just a few ideas boys and girls…Get to shoppin’.

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Time Madness

Image result for Bah Humbug Xmas

Ah the madness has started, the house decorating with thousands of lights, the anguish over who, if anyone, will be coming to YOUR house to examine those thousands of lights, and of course the good old Holiday cheer as we push and shove our way around the malls.

What a joyous time as children sit on Santa’s lap, sometimes leaving a present of their OWN, on his nice red suit. The wonderful lines we wait in, sometimes extending halfway around the moon, and of course the Christmas goodies that help expand our waistlines by at least 2 inches.

Yup, the joys of Christmas are upon us. Streets are loaded with people pretending to be filled with the Season; as they pass each person they meet, Merry Christmas is on their lips while there is a FUCK YOU hidden below.

We all go out and buy things we CAN’T afford, and then, when January’s bills come around, we ALL go rushing into Bankruptcy Court to help relieve our wallets.

Merry Christmas and to all…..A BAH Humbug to all the rest.

Merry Christmas Everyone…

 

Once Again, it’s Time for WACKY Xmas Gifts

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Christmas is a time of giving, so what better way to give your significant other something he/she will use every day. Of course, I’m talking about the Nose Shower Dispenser along with shower gel.

Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

 THAT’S right, just squeeze the nose and out pops some shower gel to help get you clean. What a great gift idea, and ONLY 18.99. Supplies ARE limited so hurry. 

Or, how about stocking stuffers, every year we rush around trying to figure out what to put in hose cozy stocking hung on the mantle, NOT any more? No more candy and gum, NOW you can have unique gifts like:

  • A Bacon AIR Freshener
  • X rated Penis Stocking to keep his baby warm at night while you have a headache
  • Poo Splat Balls
  • Donald Trump Toilet paper
  • Reindeer farting Butt ornament

Or perhaps, you would just like your usual Pickle Flask, A great gift for ANY Alcoholic, I know I want one.

OH!WOW A Pretty Pickle Flask

Now for the lady of the house:

  • How about a nice Laughing Hilary pen? Donald doesn’t laugh so they don’t MAKE those.
  • Inside the MIND of Obama book (This is on sale for only 1.00 Dollar because the book has only 4 lines printed)
  • Or, how about a nice Bikini scarf– only 15.00 Bucks          
  •                                                

My favorite, Ugly Christmas Sweaters—I like Santa on the toilet.

Ugly Christmas Sweater: Toilet Santa, 1st Edition

How about something for everyone- his AND her underwear. Saves on washing chores and bring two people closer together for good old fashioned Christmas fun.

Christmas Fundies

Or, how about that ugly Christmas sweater for two?

Two Person Ugly Christmas Sweater: Naughty & Nice Santa

We have something for everyone so don’t despair, give me a call today and I’ll hook you up, OR, hook up WITH you…

😉

 

Until Later

 

 

A Study of the Human Mind

 

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Recently, I wrote a piece entitled, A Short Story by Sooz, I did this as a study in Human Psychology. I was interested to see how many folks actually read this piece, and IF so marked it as a like.

A friend of mine recently did something like this on Amazon and retailed it for 5.99. To her amazement, she sold more than 3000 books. If this goes well, I also think I might just try this for giggles and see what the response will be.

Obviously there is no deep meaning in my story, BUT, I will market it as if there is. What is the SIGNIFICANCE of the red tails, which animal is faster than the other and who will win the fight for life? Hehehehe, I think I may just have a gold mine here.

Oh, if you like this story, I also have a bunch of pet potatoes sitting in my garage that would just LOVE to become your buddies. Let me know….

Until later…

 

 

A Thanksgiving to Remember

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Thanksgiving is a day of solemn thankfulness, and of course a hearty bounty of food and drink. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot the football game, a time honored tradition from when the Indians would visit the Pilgrims, and eat, drink, and watch football.

This year, we can offer up a special thanks to our newly elected President, Donald Clinton, Trump. Ah, what a festive time it will be at the White House, packing up all the good silverware into your valise, taking a festive trinket or two like the nuclear football, and of course eating their last Thanksgiving meal in the White House.

Grits and collard greens, a turkey stuffed with chitlans and cornbread, and of course Ham hock pie, Mmmmmmm. Makes your mouth just water, doesn’t it? Of course, after a filling dinner, what could be better than to have the TV on, watching the Lions play, while Michelle gets you beer and chips at your beckon call? Yup, it’ll be hard giving up the Presidency.

Donald, of course, will be too busy to enjoy the festivities as he has to learn how to build a wall, become a Ninja so he can sneak in and out of black neighborhoods to see where the need extra police are needed, and of course rounding up all the illegal immigrants that haven’t been found yet.

You and I can just sit back, relax, have a beer or your favorite cocktail and just enjoy the day. Thank you Indians for teaching us white men how to cook such delicious meals.

God Bless you All…