Monday, July 6th. 2020
I am sad today. I awoke to a huge hangover and a blackout from last night. Sometimes I wish I was just a regular person who didn’t rely on alcohol to stimulate my daily existence. Today I feel alone, like a person sitting alone on a block of ice in a never ending ocean, floating effortlessly to a never ending destination.
Life seems to be a repetitive circle of ongoing activities. I get up with a hangover, out drink it, and then, drink until the sensation of inebriation develops my soul. Usually I will have sex, drink some more and then fall off into a drunken hazy sleep. Once awake , I repeat the process. Is there nothing I can do to end this cycle?
Yes, I know, go back to rehab. I am just too weak to revisit that ugly cycle of shakiness,while constantly being sick. I have tried it twice now, and the longest it took hold was for about six weeks. Drinking just seems to fulfil me. I realize that this is just my mind conjuring this fallacy, but for now, it seems to be all I know. Remember, I have been an alcoholic since I was about thirteen. Wow!!! Thirteen…
Someday, maybe I can summon the courage to go back to rehab. and give it another try. In the meantime, I guess I will be stuck in this never ending sea of addiction. For those of you who have overcome this addicting behavior, I give you credit, as for me, I guess I will wallow in my feelings of self-doubt and destruction a little longer as I take another shot of vodka and drink a beer. Thanks for letting me share my feelings Diary.