Twas the Night Before Xmas Parody

  I wrote this a while ago but I liked it so much I thought I would re post it. I hope you enjoy it.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring except for a couple of rats in my walls and the bat which came down my chimney.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but NOT carefully enough because the long assed stockings caught fire and nearly burned down my mantle.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, at least THIS is what the parents thought. The crafty little bastards were already stealthily searching the house for their presents.

And mamma in her kerchief, and me in my hat, were drunk as a skunk and ready for a nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed and called the cops. “Hey…I’m trying to sleep here.”

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and dropped all my Hash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow seemed to rise and to fall like freshly baked dough. Hey…They can’t ALL be funny…”Give me a freakin’ break will ya??????”

When what to my wondering eyes should appear a HUGE ass sleigh and eight big as elephants Reindeer. I quit drinking Scotch shortly after that.

With a little old driver so lively and quick, I saw Santa Clause; the booze had done its trick.

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.” Hearing this I shouted out “WTF!!!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, (???), when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. (SERIOUSLY????) So up to the housetop, the coursers they flew, (Why didn’t they just call them the f**king Reindeer?),with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. I hope that red suited old man doesn’t expect ME to clean up that Reindeer Poop on the roof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He ruined my WHOLE freakin’ chimney too that fat bastard.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet, (Sale on at Macy’s), and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Serves the A hole right for comin’ don my chimney.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And I thought…GREAT…This guy stole from the Toys for Tots shelter.

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cheery. No WONDER… His breath smelled like he had just come from a major WINE tasting Vineyard.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. I think he colors it…

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. OK…I’m being KIND here…The guy HAD to weigh in at over 500 lbs.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (I never KNEW that Santa WAS an elf), and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, he scared the livin’ bejesus out of me, kinda like the exorcist. Oh wait…This doesn’t rhyme…Oh well…!?!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the remaining BURNT stockings then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he picked out the booger and up the chimney he rose.

He staggered to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him explain, as he drove out of sight, “DON’T tell anyone and have a good night.”

Happy Christmas!!!

Until Later…

10 Reasons God Created Adam

1.   To look good for Eve in a leaf suit

2.   To have Eve help find his keys

3.   For Eve to have someone to bitch and complain to

4.   To take the garbage out for Eve

5.   To ptotect Eve from snakes–Whoops?!?

6.   There were NO Vibrators then…Enough said…

7.   For someone to dance with

8.   To help start the Human race–SOMEONE had to do it

9.   To help fix the Dino car when it broke down

10.  To help yell at kids

 

Democrats and Republicans—This Year’s COMEDY OF ERRORS

Let me start out by saying that I am like Switzerland; I have no like, or dislike for ANY candidate, I dislike them BOTH, equally. As a result, I can be just as honest as I want. I am not tied by political referendum or rhetoric; I am an intelligent individual who wants only the BEST for our country.

Let’s be perfectly real here folks, Trump is a self-appointed windbag who likes to hear himself talk, and Hilary is just well, a plain out liar. Let’s see, WHO do we want to be our President, a self-absorbed, woman hating, narcissist, or a woman who has been in the political ring for so long now, she wouldn’t know the truth if it was handed to her in a Bible.

That’s why THIS year; I am casting my write in vote for Mickey Mouse. Mickey is a personal friend of mine from the Disney studio and I believe he is the best candidate for this difficult job.

Think about it, has Mickey ever lied to you…NO… Has he ever spoken unkindly about women or the goals they stand for …NO…Is he a political figure or a money hungry mouse…NO… Would he treat us all with respect and dignity…YES…?

Then the choice as I see it is clear, vote for the mouse for President. Just write his name in on the ballot. It’s simple to easy, and let’s face it; he IS the best mouse for the job. Just think about it, others would be flabbergasted, they would have no previous knowledge of any of his political convictions. Putin, especially, would be TOTALLY in the dark and wouldn’t know how to address him. I love it!!!

Think about it, if you really search your soul, you will agree with what I have said. Let’s elect someone who can not only do the job, but who WANTS to change our lives for the better…GO MICKEY MOUSE!!!!

 

 

 

Keurig Repair—Sooz’s Way

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Let me just start out by saying that I LOVE coffee. About a year ago, I got my first Keurig coffee maker, I love it. Up until yesterday it worked just fine, so this morning, I thought rather than spend 50 bucks or more to have it repaired, I would just tinker around with it and see hat I could do.

Now for those of you who read me, you may have surmised that I am NOT the best fix it woman in the world. However, ONCE gain, I decided that I would give it a shot.

I took out my handy Keurig booklet, went to the troubleshooting section and dug in.

No Power—Plug the machine in DUH!!!, See if blue light comes on. CHECK!!!

Blue Light is on but NO coffee—Yup, that was the problem, SEE, how hard was that. Then it gave a few suggestions like line up possible tools needed. It said get a needle nose pliers, a Phillips head screwdriver, a Flat head screwdriver, a Star headed screwdriver, a regular pliers, some Duct Tape (Figures), and a wire stripper.

Yikes, this was becoming more than I wanted to handle. I figured that all I would have to do is push the re-set button. So, the book said to lift and re-set the water thingy by lifting it up and then easily giggling it a couple of times…NOTHING!!!

Then, it said if THAT didn’t work to open up where you put the cups in and take a safety pin, (What happened o all those tools), and stick it inside the little hole in there a few times…Nothing.

After an an hour messing with it, I decided there was one tool I was probably missing. I took the coffee maker out to my garage, placed it on the floor  used the tool I KNEW would fix it…Yup….A Sledgehammer. I broke that #$%@%*& thing into about a million pieces…FINALLY…I KNEW what was wrong with it, I needed a NEW one.

 

 

Light Bulb Jokes

light-bulb-joke-zen

How much does it cost to have an Electrician change a light bulb?

 

1.   Think of a plan on how to do the job-100.00.

2.    Hire someone to go and pick UP the light bulb–20.00..

3.    Gas money used in the transaction… 10.00..

4     Cost of the Light bulb–8.00

5.    Hire someone to get ladder from the truck–10.00…

6.    Screw in the light bulb-50.00 by electrician. Total Cost:—198.00…

Customer cursing–Priceless!!!

How to Tell the Difference Between an Egg and a Bowling Ball

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I know, you look at this title and you say,”That’s silly”. Certainly I know the difference between an egg and a bowling ball, one is white, and one is black. Well, what happens if during Easter someone dyes the egg, black, OR, what if you happen to have a white bowling ball?

See, things you didn’t THINK of eh??? Well, no problem, that’s why I’M here, Let me give you some differences:

  • You can’t EAT a bowling ball

 

  • You can’t roll an egg down a bowling alley without breaking it and getting the bowling alley manager mad at you.

 

  • There are NO holes in an egg, unless you crack it

 

  • You can’t drop a bowling ball from the Empire State Building…Well, you COULD, but then you would have to go to jail for life if you hit someone.

 

  • It wouldn’t be as easy to play egg toss with a bowling ball

 

  • It’s harder to dye bowling balls during Easter

 

  • During Halloween, you can’t toss bowling balls at a house, people tend to get annoyed when you crack the brick on their homes

 

  • Eggs don’t knock down bowling pins easily

 

  • It’s hard to BOIL a bowling ball

 

  • Actually, I think there are only 9 Differences……

 

There, now you know the difference….You’re welcome…

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

Battle of the Burgers, AND Subway

burger_wars_by_grouchom

Recently, Wendy’s Hamburgers have decided to re-create its burger. Yup, that’s right, no more just fryin’ up the burgers, and slappin’ them with lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise. That’s right folks; they have a whole new burger idea. I would tell you what they have in mind, but Wendy assassins are running around rampant and well, I’m afraid for my life.

I do believe it has SOMETHING to do with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun… Or is it that you can have it YOUR way, I don’t know, I’m confused. Maybe it had something to do with the pricing, like getting an entire meal for ten, for only 6.00 dollars. At ANY rate, it’s supposed to be DAMN good so you should go and try it.

McDonalds, on the other hand, has invented a great new marketing campaign, ALL DAY BREAKFAST… This has something that has been proposed since the STONE age by its customers, but McDonalds chose to ignore its customer base until it nearly went bankrupt and then thought… “Hey, All Day Breakfast, what a concept.”

Guess what, what the people had been saying for YEARS, finally came to pass. Low and behold, as soon as this change was made, McDonalds once again became popular. Just shows you what a little bit of creativity, and paying close attention to what your customer base is saying is all you need to become successful.

Subway, on the other hand, who until recently, sold their 10” subs for 5.00, decided that perhaps with just a slight raising of their margins, they could make a bigger profit. So, the Subway giants raised their margins by a measly dollar. This of course translates to let’s see…Carry the 5…Divide into 600.00…Subtract 47…Add the carryover of 6…OK…Well, It’s A LOT OK!!!

The spokesman for the Company, Jarod, said from his prison cell, it’s due to the rising costs of goods and services. This of course translates into the company’s LEGAL FEES they used to try and get him acquitted… In ANY event, it will now cost us an extra buck to get to eat one of these delightful sandwiches.

Is there MORE change on the Horizon,stay tuned, THIS reporter will keep you up to date…Good Day!!!