Sooz Does it Again

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Yup, I did it again. The other day about 4:00PM my light switch in the kitchen blew. I had just woken up from my post drunken nap, and had gone to the kitchen for a glass to continue my sustenance celebration.

When I went to turn on the light, it was like the freakin’ Fourth of July, bulbs blew everywhere, it was like “Cover your head, it’s raining glass”. Once again, being a confident, intelligent woman, I figured hey, it’s a switch, how hard could it be to fix?

So what did I do, I first had 3 shots of Vodka, woke Dot up to see if she could be of any help, (She was still passed out), oh well, and called my driver to take me to Home Depot.

I purchased a dimmer switch and off I went. When I returned home, Dot was up and continuing HER celebration so I joined in and helped her celebrate. When I asked her about the switch, she pleaded ignorance so I was on my own.

By now, I was VERY confident I could do this as, I WAS a “Little” Tipsy. I went to get all the tools I needed, pliers, wire cutters, wire caps, black tape, and, oh yes, a Vodka cranberry.

I figured I could do this…So, away I went. Now I realize I should have shut of the power first, but, as I said, I was feeling like a Professional Electrician by this time so I figured I would just be careful…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!

Disconnecting the switch, no problem, but FIXING the switch BIG problem. I was TRYING to be careful not to touch BOTH the positive and negative wires together at the same time while fixing the light.

The first wire …No problem… The problem arose because I forgot to shut off the actual switch. You see, I was playing with it before I connected the wires and forgot to shut it all the way off.

So, as I tried to connect the power wire, my fingers got BUZZED, I immediately threw the switch out of my hand,sat down and had a shot of courage to help my twitching body.

Drunk now, I was NOT gonna let this thing get the best of me. Forging on, I turned the switch off, connected the power wire without incident, and pushed that bastard of a light switch back into the wall.

I stepped back, and with one hand, I slowly turned on the power…LIGHT APPEARED… I had done it. Well, that required a celebration, so Dot and I celebrated my victory the rest of the night.

Until Later…

 

 

 

Sooz Plays the Mother????

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How many people  see  me as the “mother type”? Well, I must admit if I am being honest, I never saw myself as the type, until a good friend of mine asked me to babysit her one year old baby girl.

When she asked, immediately two thoughts came to mind:

  • One…Why me???
  • I will need to be SOBER to do this gig, right?

I must admit, I DO love kids, I just never saw myself taking care of any. I mean I am a pretty regimented gal, you know, up at 6.00, drunk as a skunk by noon, nap until 4:00, and then repeat.

So taking a baby under wing for a few hours did cause me a bit of concern. In the end however, I decided that I could do it, and REALLY, how hard could it be to take care of a one year old anyway?

When my girlfriend dropped her off, I was like, is she moving IN or what? She brought diapers,(NOT PAMPERS), cloth…I didn’t even know they still MADE these anymore. Along with her came a carrying bag filled with every goodie made by man.

She had diaper wipes, ass creams, spit up rags, (WHAT???)  bottles, formula, (What, was this kid going to do, calculus or something?), cute little teething rings of teddy bears and flowers, a nightgown, some kind of white dusting powder that looked like Coke, I think, (eyes looking up to God), and a LIST of what to do in case of an emergency.

NOW, I was scared. I never changed a REAL diaper, let alone been responsible for a child’s nutrition. I kept thinking, couldn’t I be just a “LITTLE DRUNK”…Oui!!! No, I just smiled and said everything would be fine (Lying through my teeth).

I took position of the little creature and before my friend left I asked…”What time will you be home”? She said, “late”, and closed the door. Now I was panicked. What should I do first?

I grabbed the cheat, cheat list and it said FEED HER. I was lucky and was able to get some milk down the kid. Next it said BURP HER??? WHAT??? I looked at Molly as I kept saying “burp kid”, come on, you can do it. With enough pleading and praying, she finally let out a big BUUUUUUUURRRRRP.

Phew, I thought as I stood there proud of myself for making a kid burp. Hey, maybe I had just discovered a new career. Molly was fine for about an hour when I started to smell this rank smell. Praying that it wouldn’t be “The Diaper Change”, I slowly lifted her up to my nose. Yes I did…I puked all over God and Country . Molly needed a change. After I cleaned up me, and the carpet, I gave Molly ago. How hard could this be right? After twenty minutes of scattering poop all over, I finally called a friend of mine who walked me through it on Skype. I needed a drink, or ten.

I got Molly to bed, I sat down, and took a deep breath…I had MADE it!!! Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door and my friend returned. THANK YOU JESUS!!!

After she left, I opened the biggest bottle of vodka you can think of, and drank myself to sleep hoping I would never remember this experience again.

Until Later…

 

 

How to Make a Million Dollars

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There are several ways you can make a million dollars. Seriously, I’m not kidding, even if you never went to college, or have an extremely high IQ, the same business rules apply.

Oh, and to answer your question, it’s not so much about the work, work, work attitude, as it is envisioning yourself  as being successful. Now I KNOW you’re asking what the F**K is she talking about. Well, here it is in a nutshell.

 First and foremost,  see yourself as a success. Make a mental picture of yourself with a rich lifestyle. I would say there are few millionaires who have NOT done this. If you think small, you WILL be small. If you think BIG, you have a good shot at becoming a millionaire.

Sure, you have to have a goal, pick something you are good at and exploit the Hell out of it. Every day say to yourself, “Today I am going to accomplish S, or Y, or Z”, and then DO IT!!!

It still takes hard work, but, if you have the dream, and you have the goal, the labor becomes a labor of love. Let’s face it, the only “other” way to become rich is to win the Lottery, inherit the money, or rob a few banks.

The next thing you must do is save and invest your money. Many people work day to day without ever saving anything. Sure, there are those who are working minimal hourly jobs who are unable to save, again, get the Hell out of there, find what you are good at, and then DO IT!!!

Saving, working, and investing are the keys. The more you are able to save, the better. Take your savings and invest it. I would recommend calling a professional who has a good track record and then diversify your holdings.

Trust me, after a few years, you will be surprised at how much your investment can yield. Now, find your niche and start crackin’…Hurry up…GO!!! Why are you stalling??

 

 

 

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