Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Hello Dreamshadow, I have a question to ask Sooz. It is for my friend, of course. “I work in sales at a company that sells, office supplies. It is a decent job and my coworkers are pretty cool for the most part, but there is this one sales guy who is always very serious and way over the top about everything. 

 My BF also works here and we have been pranking this, “way too serious guy” for years. Keep in mind that these are never truly harmful pranks and he generally takes it well. This one time, we left a voodoo doll on his desk with one pin in it on the right thigh. 

 What he didn’t know is that the metal pin was actually a touch-sensitive contact that activated a small remote vibrating buzzer device that my BF had in his pocket. When the pin was touched, the small device buzzed silently and my BF would yell, “OUCH!” from anywhere in the office and grab his “boo boo”. 

Then BF would rub his thigh and say things like, “I really need to get this checked out.” Mr. Oh-So-Serious began to think he had power over my BF. After a couple days we left a doll that resembled the guy on my BF’s desk. 

 When BF got into the office, he picked it up and when the serious guy noticed, he looked panicked. Later in the day, BF got a cancellation over the phone, and pretended to be upset about it. He jabbed the doll mindlessly with a pair of scissors, missed the torso, and stuck it in the doll’s upper-right arm.

 

The man walked around rubbing his bicep for several hours. This went on for quite a while, and the guy actually ended up stealing the doll. We caught him, and he was super embarrassed, but as you can see it was a truly harmless prank. Lately, we have been running short on pranks. I mean after 10 years of this thing has gotten a bit stale. What should we do SOOZ?

 Devious Prankster

 

Dear Devious Prankster:

Hey, I’ve played MY share of practical jokes on people, but never any that really messed with someone’s head. Why don’t you and your best friend just invite the guy out for a few beers, get to really know him a little better and end all of this tomfoolery.

One of these days you or your best friend may need him for something and would want him to be on YOUR team. Play nice boys, remember, “KARMA is a BITCH”…

 

 

Sooz’s Diary

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Dear Diary:

As I write these words I am curious to that of Human Nature. Some people see me as a former captain of industry, and now a student redefining her life, others, see me as a drunken whore and a woman without conscience.

It’s almost as if I have two separate personalities, and yet, I am merely a woman, nothing more and nothing less. Yes, I have faults and talents like the rest of Humanity, and yes, my feelings can be hurt, and believe it or not, cut me and I bleed just like you do.

Why is it that MANY want my persona to be the drunk and sexual Nymphomaniac? Is it because I am easy after I am drunk, and they can just have their way with me? Helene, perhaps I should send a letter to Just Ask Sooz and find out.

The truth is I AM an alcoholic who IS a Nymphomaniac. I have had my ups and downs with the alcohol, but my sexual response is one in which I have never been able to quell.

Does this mean I don’t have a conscience…NO. I DO have a conscience, one in which I wrestle with each and every day. Why, because it is BECAUSE of my increased sexual arousal that I have created many unhappy people.

If there is a Hell will I burn there for eternity, I HOPE not, and yet, I still can’t seem to control my urges. Should I be doomed for something that is incurable? I don’t know, I wonder about these things a lot.

All this worry is probably just for naught however. If there is a final judgement, I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out the fate that surrounds me. If there is NO final judgement, then I guess I won’t have to worry about these matters.

I guess the best thing I can do is to live my life the best way I know how, and help those who are less fortunate than I am. This way I can at least hedge my bets… Hehehehe.

Until Later Diary…

 

 

The Scripe

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Thought I’d try a little Dr. Seuss style on this one. Let me know what you think.

 

Away in the forest and over the hill,

Lies a quiet little town whose name is Bree Mill.

It has mountains and streams, and buildings with beams,

It has people with pipes, and one Hobbit named Scripe.

 

Scripe, they say, is smaller than most,

His skin tone is pale, as white as a ghost,

But, he is happy and friendly, say his friends who are close,

And he is happiest when seen giving a toast.

 

He hobbles around the town with a cane,

From an accident he had, where no one was blamed.

He works in confection, makes sweet things galore,

Yet he would rather, you see, be dancing on the floor.

 

Indeed a dancer, he was, till that ill-fated day,

When a Trolley Bombaster would take it away.

His leg was impaired, yet his spirits were bright,

For now he could TEACH others to dance through the night.

 

So this is his story, and this is his tale,

The Scripe teaches on, and refuses to fail.

Let this be a lesson to those who are down,

Follow the Scripe, and turn that frown upside down.

 

 

 

 

 

Let Them Eat Cake

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Virtually everyone in the world likes chocolate, if you don’t; there is something wrong with the cortex of your brain. Seriously, if you don’t like chocolate, you are probably a serial killer or perhaps someone who loves inflicting pain on animals.

Now, raise your hand if you DON’T like chocolate. I THOUGHT so… The reason I bring this up is that today is CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY. That’s right, I know this because my Alexa machine has been NEVER wrong, and SHE says that today is the infamous day.

Armed with this knowledge, I have baked several chocolate cakes, one for me, and several for the city mission. I’m sure that since everyone in the world likes this dark and sweet concoction, the people at the mission will be grateful and well sugared up for the night.

Why do I even bring this up, I don’t know, Staring at the blank page or a while was tedious so I decided to just write some drivel. How am I doing? Hey, we can’t ALWAYS be on our game and write Tom Sawyer novelettes every day you know.

Ok, OK, I will go back to staring at the page and see if something hits me as earth shattering blog material. I remain yours in a boring status…

Until Later…

 

New Year’s Resolutions Reviewed

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Since New Year’s is coming soon, I thought I would review some of the most common resolutions so we could ALL get a clear prospective of what they’re   about. Hopefully, you will read my suggestions and take them for what they are worth…A complete load of ?@@(*^%!…

Losing Weight—This is one of the more popular resolutions along with joining a Gym, and becoming more health conscious. While these are ALL great to SAY you are going to do, each has only a 3% chance of being followed trough. Usually, the unfit STAY unfit because, well, let’s FACE it, it’s TOO much like WORK. Who the HELL wants to eat a donut and then have to work out for 6 hrs., trying to undo the calories it only took 5 minutes or less to eat? MY SUGGESTION:—Eat the Donut and to HELL with the workout, love yourself as you ARE and move on.

Quitting Smoking—I never got addicted so…Don’t care. If ya got ‘em, smoke ‘em, if ya wanna quit, patch up, and chew your way to being smoke free. P.S. if you DO decide to quit, please be PREPARED to gain at least 10-25 Lbs., and then NEXT January, use the above as your resolution.

Quit Drinking—-This is one that I would resolve to do EVERY New Year’s Eve. My “Good Intentions” usually only lasted until the day AFTER New Year’s. Sadly, I NEVER seemed to manage this one year after year. Hopefully, if this is YOUR intention, I wish you much luck and success. Cheers, I mean I’m WITH you on this one.

Lastly, Let me address All New Year’s resolutions, they are ALL MEANT as a good thing, the only PROBLEM is, we are Human Beings and as such, we are flawed.  DON’T beat yourselves up if you fall short, just do the best you can.

Remember, there is always NEXT YEAR!!!!!

Happy New Year Everyone…

Sooz

 

 

 

Twas the Night Before Xmas Parody

  I wrote this a while ago but I liked it so much I thought I would re post it. I hope you enjoy it.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring except for a couple of rats in my walls and the bat which came down my chimney.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but NOT carefully enough because the long assed stockings caught fire and nearly burned down my mantle.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, at least THIS is what the parents thought. The crafty little bastards were already stealthily searching the house for their presents.

And mamma in her kerchief, and me in my hat, were drunk as a skunk and ready for a nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed and called the cops. “Hey…I’m trying to sleep here.”

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and dropped all my Hash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow seemed to rise and to fall like freshly baked dough. Hey…They can’t ALL be funny…”Give me a freakin’ break will ya??????”

When what to my wondering eyes should appear a HUGE ass sleigh and eight big as elephants Reindeer. I quit drinking Scotch shortly after that.

With a little old driver so lively and quick, I saw Santa Clause; the booze had done its trick.

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.” Hearing this I shouted out “WTF!!!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, (???), when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. (SERIOUSLY????) So up to the housetop, the coursers they flew, (Why didn’t they just call them the f**king Reindeer?),with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. I hope that red suited old man doesn’t expect ME to clean up that Reindeer Poop on the roof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He ruined my WHOLE freakin’ chimney too that fat bastard.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet, (Sale on at Macy’s), and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Serves the A hole right for comin’ don my chimney.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And I thought…GREAT…This guy stole from the Toys for Tots shelter.

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cheery. No WONDER… His breath smelled like he had just come from a major WINE tasting Vineyard.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. I think he colors it…

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. OK…I’m being KIND here…The guy HAD to weigh in at over 500 lbs.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (I never KNEW that Santa WAS an elf), and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, he scared the livin’ bejesus out of me, kinda like the exorcist. Oh wait…This doesn’t rhyme…Oh well…!?!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the remaining BURNT stockings then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he picked out the booger and up the chimney he rose.

He staggered to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him explain, as he drove out of sight, “DON’T tell anyone and have a good night.”

Happy Christmas!!!

Until Later…

Once Again, it’s Time for WACKY Xmas Gifts

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Christmas is a time of giving, so what better way to give your significant other something he/she will use every day. Of course, I’m talking about the Nose Shower Dispenser along with shower gel.

Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

 THAT’S right, just squeeze the nose and out pops some shower gel to help get you clean. What a great gift idea, and ONLY 18.99. Supplies ARE limited so hurry. 

Or, how about stocking stuffers, every year we rush around trying to figure out what to put in hose cozy stocking hung on the mantle, NOT any more? No more candy and gum, NOW you can have unique gifts like:

  • A Bacon AIR Freshener
  • X rated Penis Stocking to keep his baby warm at night while you have a headache
  • Poo Splat Balls
  • Donald Trump Toilet paper
  • Reindeer farting Butt ornament

Or perhaps, you would just like your usual Pickle Flask, A great gift for ANY Alcoholic, I know I want one.

OH!WOW A Pretty Pickle Flask

Now for the lady of the house:

  • How about a nice Laughing Hilary pen? Donald doesn’t laugh so they don’t MAKE those.
  • Inside the MIND of Obama book (This is on sale for only 1.00 Dollar because the book has only 4 lines printed)
  • Or, how about a nice Bikini scarf– only 15.00 Bucks          
  •                                                

My favorite, Ugly Christmas Sweaters—I like Santa on the toilet.

Ugly Christmas Sweater: Toilet Santa, 1st Edition

How about something for everyone- his AND her underwear. Saves on washing chores and bring two people closer together for good old fashioned Christmas fun.

Christmas Fundies

Or, how about that ugly Christmas sweater for two?

Two Person Ugly Christmas Sweater: Naughty & Nice Santa

We have something for everyone so don’t despair, give me a call today and I’ll hook you up, OR, hook up WITH you…

😉

 

Until Later

 

 

A Study of the Human Mind

 

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Recently, I wrote a piece entitled, A Short Story by Sooz, I did this as a study in Human Psychology. I was interested to see how many folks actually read this piece, and IF so marked it as a like.

A friend of mine recently did something like this on Amazon and retailed it for 5.99. To her amazement, she sold more than 3000 books. If this goes well, I also think I might just try this for giggles and see what the response will be.

Obviously there is no deep meaning in my story, BUT, I will market it as if there is. What is the SIGNIFICANCE of the red tails, which animal is faster than the other and who will win the fight for life? Hehehehe, I think I may just have a gold mine here.

Oh, if you like this story, I also have a bunch of pet potatoes sitting in my garage that would just LOVE to become your buddies. Let me know….

Until later…

 

 

A Thanksgiving to Remember

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Thanksgiving is a day of solemn thankfulness, and of course a hearty bounty of food and drink. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot the football game, a time honored tradition from when the Indians would visit the Pilgrims, and eat, drink, and watch football.

This year, we can offer up a special thanks to our newly elected President, Donald Clinton, Trump. Ah, what a festive time it will be at the White House, packing up all the good silverware into your valise, taking a festive trinket or two like the nuclear football, and of course eating their last Thanksgiving meal in the White House.

Grits and collard greens, a turkey stuffed with chitlans and cornbread, and of course Ham hock pie, Mmmmmmm. Makes your mouth just water, doesn’t it? Of course, after a filling dinner, what could be better than to have the TV on, watching the Lions play, while Michelle gets you beer and chips at your beckon call? Yup, it’ll be hard giving up the Presidency.

Donald, of course, will be too busy to enjoy the festivities as he has to learn how to build a wall, become a Ninja so he can sneak in and out of black neighborhoods to see where the need extra police are needed, and of course rounding up all the illegal immigrants that haven’t been found yet.

You and I can just sit back, relax, have a beer or your favorite cocktail and just enjoy the day. Thank you Indians for teaching us white men how to cook such delicious meals.

God Bless you All…

 

Public Service Announcement

For those of you who did NOT want Donald Trump to be our President, let me just say this. Politics is politics. I’m sure in the REAL world, he rides Unicorns to work, and watches RAINBOWS on a daily basis somewhere in the world.

I’m sure he is GREAT with women, is NOT at all egotistical, nor is he a Misogamist PIG. These were all POLITICAL renderings of the man, people. I say, let’s do what we can with what we have.

He IS the President of our great Nation now, and for those of us who didn’t agree with his policies, well, ‘tough titty’ as Donald might say. We have to pull up our big girl and boy panties now and hate him ‘quietly’.

After all, he IS the President now, and could lock us away for a long time if we should EVER disagree with him. So,  you’re OK in MY book Mr. President. Now, what could we do to quickly impeach him???

ANYONE???