Wacky Christmas Gifts

Image result for sexy Xmas elf

In keeping with the Holiday spirit, I’ve decided to give an early release date for the wacky Xmas gifts. Please pick what YOU would like to get for your Aunt Mildred or Uncle Stachu.

For those of you who do White Elephant Gifting, here are a couple of great ideas for that someone special.

  • How about an ACTUAL White Elephant? You’ll have to white wash it, but hey, how can you go wrong?
  • Image result for A white elephant

 

  • Food for a month for your White Elephant. This usually will be just a tad bit more than the elephant itself, figure maybe 2000 dollars per day.

 

  • Lodging for your White Elephant-I doubt that you have a bedroom large enough to keep it so figure another 7K for the pen.

 

  • The ultimate wine Bottle glass-Take your favorite wine and pour it in the glass. It will hold the entire bottle. For those of you like ME, better buy 3, just in case your friend gets REALLY thirsty.
  • BigMouth Inc. Wine Bottle Glass

 

Or, how about some bacon toothpaste, hey, we ALL like bacon right?

These are just SOME of the ideas I have in mind so don’t delay, BUY them today.

Accoutrements Mr. Bacon's 2.5 Oz Bacon Flavored Toothpaste

 

Until Later…

 

 

 

The Late Great Toilet Paper Debate Rolls On

Image result for over or under toilet paper debateImage result for over or under toilet paper debate

Have you ever notice when you’re on the toilet and about ready to finish the job by completing the paperwork, which way the tissue rolls? Some have it set to roll from the top, while others have it roll from the bottom.

Take me for example, I am an under roller. Yup, I am SO committed in fact that I will actually change the OVER roll to the under roll anywhere I go. Why, you may ask, because I MUST, that’s why.

Now I KNOW all you OVER rollers are saying: ”But Sooz, you’re just plain WRONG,  everyone KNOWS the correct way is to roll it OVER.” Yes, Yes, I know all about the 1891 patent for toilet paper which states that the correct way to install it is so that it rolls OVER and NOT under. To that I say POPPYCOCK!!!

In history, there have been many successful UNDER rollers. Let’s start with Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, and even Paul McCartney, all UNDER rollers. Sure, George Washington, John Lennon, and President Obama were all OVER rollers, but who cares, we, (The UNDER rollers), have the brightest man in history on our side.

The TRUTH is…WHO GIVES A FLYING DAMN? If it Works for you, then go with the flow, err…roll. I will NEVER be convinced that I am using a damn toilet paper incorrectly, so OOH.

Do whichever makes ya feel good, and to HELL with the facts. I have spoken.

Until Later…

 

 

Sooz’s Thoughts

Ever have one of those lazy, crazy day’s of Summer? That’s what’s happening here today. I’m sittin’, thinkin’, and drinkin’, just enjoying the sunshine, and taking in the beautiful weather, oh, and the 108 degree heat.

People always ask me, “Sooz, don’t you get used to the heat after a while?” I tell them, “Do you think you could get used to being cooked in an oven?” Let’s face it, anything over 90 is HOT.

Hell, I can’t even sit by the pool, unless I’m in the water, forget about it, (That was my best Jersey accent), OK, I’ll keep my day job. Seriously, it’s funny to watch the tourists, they COME here for the heat, and then, bitch about it ALL day. Hehehehehe.

I’m sittin’ inside, reading a Dean Koontz book called “Life Expectancy”, and I must say, it’s really thrilling. I can’t seem to put it down. I have always liked him as an author, even got to meet him once when we were shooting an Ad campaign in his area. He was a very charming and gracious man.

As an aside, I would like to tell you the blog I had yesterday on positive thinking was as true as the sun in the sky. I am totally convinced that it really DID change my life. If you believe hard enough in a positive way, good things will come to you.

Let’s say for an example you want to get a higher paying job, see the new job in your mind’s eye, and then visualize yourself WORKING in that job. Say to yourself over and over, “ I Love my new job in…Bla, Bla, Bla.

Do this for an extended period, and one day soon, you will have done whatever you need to do to obtain this new position. It REALLY works. I believe the Cosmos is aligned with positive energy, and WANTS to please us by providing what we want and need.

OK, enough said, I must get back to my book now. Have a great day everyone and think positive thoughts…

Until Later..

Man With Gun Tattoo on Forehead Charged With Possessing Firearm

According to WYFF-TV, Michael Vines, 24, was arrested after he slammed his car into a power pole Saturday night.

The charges included, driving under a suspended license, driving too fast for conditions, and yup, you guessed it, possession of a firearm.

The firefighters , who were first on the scene, claimed that Michael threw out a handgun into the grass. Because he was previously arrested, the tattoo constituted of possession of a  deadly weapon.

After an exhaustive search, police found a .38 caliber handgun burrowed in long grass. The REAL gun was logged into evidence, and Michael is awaiting trial.

Some people just don’t have ANY luck…

Until Later…

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

My husband is in the Navy and is currently deployed to the Mediterranean. We always have a great sex life when he is here, however, I am getting as horny as a dog in heat.

My next door neighbor’s husband is beginning to look awful sexy to me lately. He comes out in the morning with very tight fitting shorts which pretty much shows everything.

He always says hello and sometimes we will talk. Is it wrong to covet my neighbor’s husband? I really need some action.

Horny Toad

 

Dear Horny Toad:

Wait…HOW tight WERE his shorts? Can you see his ass really well? Oh, never mind, back to the moment at hand Sooz. The correct and moral answer is, keep your cotton pickin’ hands off your neighbor’s husband’s shorts.

Remember those vows that you took when you were married, till death do us part? There are ALWAYS Dildos and Vibrators to help hold you over. Honor those vows, and screw the life out of your husband when he returns…Good luck…

 

 

 

 

Wednesday’s Drunk Tales

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I woke up today, hungover, and ready to do it all over again. I know what you’re saying, “Poor little rich girl…Awwww” but hey, I’m bored and I like to drink. What better way to relieve a hangover than with a few quick shots of vodka and wine.

I decided I would get good and shit faced, and then see how long it would take me to put on my make-up. I’m already om my fourth vodka mixed with wine, and I am starting to feel pretty good. My hangover is just about gone, and I am feeling as frisky as well, a drunk woman in need.

In case you were wondering, my day starts early. I was up and drinking at 6:45 AM, and to keep you updated, I’m now starting my fifth wine and shot of vodka.

I like to drink while wearing only my bra and panties. It gives me that feeling wild and wholly feeling, like I am a panther stalking her prey. For those of you who may be wondering, I am wearing a pink lace bra with a matching pink thong. I REALLY need to be fucked.

Sorry, I just stepped away for a moment while I let my fingers do the walking. Well, that, and a great vibrator…Wink!!! Anyway, I am really starting to feel the alcohol now. Each sip is heavenly, and slides down my gullet like a snake eating a mouse. God, I love being drunk. Number six is going down.

One more shot and I am gonna try the makeup thingy. It’s kinda funny because I just looked in the mirror and I see myself with glazed and half open eyes, and then, I notice my tits, they look MAHHVELOUS!!!!!

Moving on, base, foundation, sealer, rouge and mascara, some eye shadow and a nice gentle pink lipstick with some gloss. Holy SHIT, this took me 45 min. Sure, I look like a gorgeous drunk, ( with GREAT tits), but NOW, I’m so drunk, and I need a nap.  Shit, gotta go, feel free to take advantage of me, my legs will be spread and waiting. Until Later…

 

 

The Warthog, Wart or Hog…Discuss

Now THERE’S a face to love, eh? I feel sorry for this animal. The poor beast gets harassed by the general public as being the ugliest mammal on God’s green Earth.

Let’s be honest, take the ugliest man or woman you can imagine, and then compare them to the warthog, the Humans will look like Adonis’ and the women like Venus.

Think of all the mean things that get said about this lowly creature, like:

 “You’re so ugly, when you were first born your parents named you SHIT HAPPENS”

 “When you went to a Haunted house you came out with an application.”

 “You’re so ugly, you make an ONION cry.”

This of course was just the beginning. They could never get into Harvard or Yale even WITH a 200 IQ, why, you guessed it, they would frighten all the other students.  Or, what about a pet, no one wants a wart hog. Personally, I feel sorry for them.

So the next time you’re meandering through a zoo, if you spot one of these lovely creatures, before you shout out something about how ugly they are, think twice and give them a break.

Oh, and for the record,  thank your lucky stars that YOU weren’t born a warthog, just sayin.

 

The Great Light Fight Debate

Hi everyone. If you’re like me, you are enjoying all the joys of the Holiday season. If NOT, what’s your problem Mr. Grinch? Anyway, I came here today because I’ve been watching The Great Light Fight on Television.

For those of you who either live in a closet, or, don’t watch TV, it’s a show about who can decorate their houses the most gaudy, and fill up their ENTIRE property line full of lights, blow up figures, and mind boggling displays to music.

People who are expert judges, (Celebrities), come to see which house can make their electric meter move the fastest for the longest length of time. If you are declared the winner, you get 50,000 dollars AND, the best part, a Christmas Ornament that lights up with the old style Christmas bulbs.

My question…WHY??? Look, I am all for lighting your home for the Holidays, BUT, some of these people start in October to have their display done for Xmas. Again…WHY???

Some of the participants have as many as 2 acres to light, and by golly, they DO. I don’t know how you guys feel about this, but I just think it is Cray Cray. I mean, WHO has TIME to do all of this work? Fifty foot lit Xmas trees, merry go rounds, Ferris Wheels, and a Santa’s Workshop, (All home made), with the REAL SANTA working inside. OK, I MAY have lied about the real Santa, but, everything else was true.

Are they nice? Yes, but in my opinion, they lean towards the GAUDY. I mean WHO NEEDS all of that? Is it worth it for 50K and a 12.00 dollar trophy ornament? Not to me. So, that begs the question, why do people go through all this effort for such a SHORT period of time?

On TV, it’s because they are carrying on the work of their parents, or their wife who just passed. Is this for REAL, or is it just good Television? I’ll let you folks decide. Write me and let me know what YOU think. In the mean time, I guess I better go out and buy a few more lights.

Until Later…

 

 

Dear Santa

Image result for sexy xmas outfit

Dear Santa

Once again, it’s time for all of us “Good Girls” to write Santa for our Xmas requests. I, for one, have been a VERY good girl so I believe having a 125 page list is JUSTIFIED!!!

I’ve decided to only ask for the top five on my list because, well, let’s face it Santa, you are a busy guy and may not be able to fit ALL my presents in your sack along with all your other good girls and boys. 

OK, so here goes Santa: 

  1. I want a Pink Cheery Pro 40 Clitoral Stimulator in magenta—For those long and lonely nights. Cum on Santa, wink, YOU know what I’m talking about. 
  1. A 10 function little black panty thong—This little baby when worn, can bring you to the “BIG O” while shopping, or in the boudoir with your favorite date. A MUST have for EVERY sexy gal. 
  1. How about a sustained loving relationship, either girl OR guy, (As long as he has a big dick). I could really USE one. Hey, how about you, are you tired of the old ball and chain yet? Maybe she is baking you sugar FREE cookies these days, or using SKIM milk? What do ya say baby, give me a go? 
  1. I would like all my friends here to become rich and famous. There, who SAYS I am NOT generous. 
  1. Peace to ALL Nations—I REALIZE this is a tall order Santa, I am just afraid that Humanity cannot solve all the problems we have by themselves. Your helpful, smiling ways would certainly make a big difference throughout the planet. Please see what you can do, OK? 

 I want to thank you for reading this, and I hope you can accommodate me on my wish list. I sincerely hope that you, Rudolph, and all the other elves and reindeer have a very Happy and Merry Christmas. 

  1. P.S. —When I said I was “A Good Girl” this year, I meant to say as good as I could be.

Muah Santa,

 Love ya.

Sooz

Odd but True Xmas Gifts

Sexy woman in panties

OK, here’s the low down, it’s getting time to buy all your Xmas presents, as Black Friday approaches. Sure, you can buy aunt Ghirta her FAVORITE socks again, and certainly let’s not forget Uncle Clyde’s favorite booze so he can STAY pickled, OR, you can shop at Sooz’s home delivery facility and use some of MY gift ideas.

Mine may be a little offbeat, however, I’ve been told there is a niche for everyone, right? Here are just a few of my ideas for Xmas that will wet ANYONE’S whistle.

  • Disappearing Hair Mug –Yup that’s right, it starts, showing a full frontal view of my pussy. As you drink your favorite beverage, my pubic hair disappears until I am as shaved as a brand new spankin’ baby. Just imagine the possibilities? Only 15.99

 

  • Trip the Light Fantastic With Sooz Handbook—People, you don’t wanna miss out on this. This will show you HOW to get a date, where to go, and what to DO when the timing is right. The perfect handbook for every guy and gal. A steal at only 22.95.

 

  • Masturbation Handguide for Dummys—Yes, yes, I can hear you now, “But Sooz, I KNOW how to masturbate”. Believe me folks, you may know how to choke the chicken, or make yourself pulsate like a river, BUT, I guarantee UNBELIEVABLE MIND BLOWING EXPERIENCES after you read my book. Who doesn’t want to CUM 6 or 7 times a day like I do? Read my book and become a masturbation EXPERT like me. Today thru next week, only 25.99.

 

  • A Date with Sooz—OK folks, this was a last minute decision, but, I NEED to get LAID. For only 250.00, you can date me, converse with me, and if your lucky, take me to your place and show me a good time. (Wink…Wink).

 

OR, those socks are still available. The choice is YOURS, I’m SURE you will make the RIGHT one. Muah!!!