Do You Really Wish You Were an Oscar Mayer Wiener

 

Image result for Cartoon Oscar Mayer Hotdog

For years, some little kid has come on TV, and has sung the song, He Wished He Was An Oscar Mayer Wiener. My question…WHY??? Let’s be real here people, why would anyone want to give up being a Human Being to be a HOT DOG?

Sure, I know at FIRST it might be tempting, but then you have to ask yourselves, if I WERE a hot dog, someone would eat you and then Puffffff, your life is KAPUT. Just think about THAT little Mikey , no more skateboarding, pulling girls hair, or even EATING your OWN hot dog. Just 3 or 4 bites and Good Bye Mikey.

Not only THAT, just LOOK and see what’s IN a hot dog:

Turkey by products

Chicken stuff

Pork Stuff

Water

Salt, ohhh yeah, LOTS of salt

Potassium Lactate

Sodium Phosphates

Sodium Diacetate

Sodium Erythorbate

Maltrodextrin

Sodium Nitrate—Yummy

Now, don’t these sound yummy??? So WHY would you wanna BE a Hot Dog????

Was the MONEY really worth it kid, or did you get your wish, and turn INTO an Oscr Meyer Wiener? Hell, I HOPE not, I may have just EATEN poor Mikey at the game on the 4TH.

 

 

The Life of a Pencil

Image result for Cartoon pencil writing

It’s been a while since I have written anything really funny, so, I thought I would it would be time to give my funny bone a workout. I sat here and thought about several different things that would be funny, like North Korea and it’s crazy ass leader, bathing habits, and of course POOP.

While ALL of these are funny subjects, I’ve decided to write about A Day in the Life of a Pencil…What??? You don’t think that’s funny, Come ON!!! This will be from the perspective of the pencil. How could it NOT be funny. You’ll LAUGH your ass off.

(Big Yawn)… “What a glorious day”. “I am ready, willing and able to start my writing duties, LET’S GO!!! “Oh good, here comes a kid now, that’s it, pick me up and let’s do some drawing or writing”.

 “

Hey kid,wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, what are you DOING, Awwwwww, DON’T put your tongue on my eraser….YUCK”. “Hey kid, try using my WRITING side, what are you doing anyway, teething, Gheese”!!!

“Damn it kid, you just ATE my fucking eraser”. NOW what are you gonna do when you make a mistake”? “Well, there goes my MODELING career”. What’s WRONG with these Humans anyway”???

“OK, here we go, FINALLY, that’s it, press me nice and easy against the paper… I said EEEEEASY kid”. “Oh NO… OOOOOUCCCCHHHH!!!!!” Now you’ve broken my fucking point, will you PLEASE watch it kid”???  Hey, where are you going”? “NO, NOT the SHARPENER”…

“Shit, here it comes”. “OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH”!!!

“Oh man, I am Soooooooo FUCKING sore now. Just put me the HELL down kid, and go wreck something else”. “Thank God”… Finally, some time to rest up and recoup, good night all”…I LIVE to fight another day!!!

 

 

 

10 Things Never to do When Writing

Image result for Sexy woman writing

There are sooooooooo many people out there who write to “improve” other people’s writing, without ever explaining WHAT pitfalls to watch for when you finally DO pick up that pen and paper or computer.

 

I have devised a list of 10 things you should never do when you are writing, so that all of you potential writers have a CHANCE of making a million dollars on your next book.

 

  1. Never write when you are drunk. Ask me, I KNOW. When drunk, you believe you have written a masterpiece, when all you have actually written is something right out of Sooz’s Nursery Rhymes.

 

  1. Never write when you are tired. If you DO, the brain wants to finish your article toot suite, and it ends up going in the rejection bin in the morning. It is better just to sit down, relax, have 6 or 7 drinks, pass out and then try again in the morning. (The writing that is, NOT the drinking).

 

  1. While having sex. It CAN be done, but it is very difficult. Either finish your love play first, OR your writing.

 

  1. While watching TV. All I can say here is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! This is a big no no. Too much interference that messes with your creativity. Finish watching House Hunters and THEN write.

 

  1. Never write on an empty OR a full stomach. If you write while you are hungry, you are always thinking about food. If you write on a full stomach, you are either thinking about sleeping OR puking. Enough said here.

 

  1. Never write about a personal experience you had unless it is EXTREEMLY funny or horrifying. Nothing else is really interesting; again…Ask me, I’ll tell you.

 

  1. Never write while you are depressed. If you do, no one will EVER read you again. Just sayin’.

 

  1. Never write when you are sleepy. If you do, you will find a story like this. Once upon a time………………………………………………………………….. nnnnnnnnnnnjjjjjjjjjjjjjjklkjchhdecwdclksMcSC,m d/w.md wlejl  kwc

 

  1. Never write when you are butt naked. Sure, it feels great, BUT…Then you have to stop every 15 minutes to masturbate and you lose the coherency of the story. Again, personal experience.

 

OK… There IS no number 10 because as you have probably figured out, I AM drunk and this whole thing is a compilation of drivel. I’ll hit the sack and try again when I am sober.

Bye for now…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the Beginning

Image result for God in heaven

In the beginning, there was a Light, or a Spirit, or something or other that said,”Let there be Man”, and man was to be. Next it said,”Let there be an Earth, so that man can have land to fight over, and for me to watch over as entertainment”, and there appeared a planet called Earth.

 

Then, being tired out after such a horrendous feat said, “ I shall now create evil”, and he created woman, to tempt and to twist man into a pretzel with her devilish ways.

 

Soon god grew tired of watching men and woman bitch at each other, so he created politicians for a NEW source of entertainment. This proved to be a wonderful accomplishment as the politicians lied, cheated, and seemed as if they would do ANYTHING to get what they wanted. God LOVED to watch them as they lived their lives differently each day.

 

God was always amused at how they would act to get what they wanted. Some called themselves Democrats and some called themselves Republicans, but BOTH even though they swore had their party values, would connive and deceive to secretly get what THEY wanted.

 

Meanwhile, the countries they served went to Hell in a hand basket and god laughed and laughed. God knew they were better than ever sending some slithering snake and have Eve bite an apple as an evil gesture, this was just pure gold.

 

Now, god could always do what he wanted to do and destroy the Earth in a big ball of fire. You see, God always did like shooting off missiles. So one day, when he was a little bored, god had the politicians of one country point and fire their missiles at all the other countries. There was a HUGE explosion, which wiped out ALL the population of the Earth. This time, god would create the perfect world, so he rolled up his sleeves, and said, “Let there be women, and ONLY one man”, who would act as a stud.

 

And god was happy, and the world flourished.

The End…

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Hello Dreamshadow, I have a question to ask Sooz. It is for my friend, of course. “I work in sales at a company that sells, office supplies. It is a decent job and my coworkers are pretty cool for the most part, but there is this one sales guy who is always very serious and way over the top about everything. 

 My BF also works here and we have been pranking this, “way too serious guy” for years. Keep in mind that these are never truly harmful pranks and he generally takes it well. This one time, we left a voodoo doll on his desk with one pin in it on the right thigh. 

 What he didn’t know is that the metal pin was actually a touch-sensitive contact that activated a small remote vibrating buzzer device that my BF had in his pocket. When the pin was touched, the small device buzzed silently and my BF would yell, “OUCH!” from anywhere in the office and grab his “boo boo”. 

Then BF would rub his thigh and say things like, “I really need to get this checked out.” Mr. Oh-So-Serious began to think he had power over my BF. After a couple days we left a doll that resembled the guy on my BF’s desk. 

 When BF got into the office, he picked it up and when the serious guy noticed, he looked panicked. Later in the day, BF got a cancellation over the phone, and pretended to be upset about it. He jabbed the doll mindlessly with a pair of scissors, missed the torso, and stuck it in the doll’s upper-right arm.

 

The man walked around rubbing his bicep for several hours. This went on for quite a while, and the guy actually ended up stealing the doll. We caught him, and he was super embarrassed, but as you can see it was a truly harmless prank. Lately, we have been running short on pranks. I mean after 10 years of this thing has gotten a bit stale. What should we do SOOZ?

 Devious Prankster

 

Dear Devious Prankster:

Hey, I’ve played MY share of practical jokes on people, but never any that really messed with someone’s head. Why don’t you and your best friend just invite the guy out for a few beers, get to really know him a little better and end all of this tomfoolery.

One of these days you or your best friend may need him for something and would want him to be on YOUR team. Play nice boys, remember, “KARMA is a BITCH”…

 

 

Sooz’s Diary

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Dear Diary:

As I write these words I am curious to that of Human Nature. Some people see me as a former captain of industry, and now a student redefining her life, others, see me as a drunken whore and a woman without conscience.

It’s almost as if I have two separate personalities, and yet, I am merely a woman, nothing more and nothing less. Yes, I have faults and talents like the rest of Humanity, and yes, my feelings can be hurt, and believe it or not, cut me and I bleed just like you do.

Why is it that MANY want my persona to be the drunk and sexual Nymphomaniac? Is it because I am easy after I am drunk, and they can just have their way with me? Helene, perhaps I should send a letter to Just Ask Sooz and find out.

The truth is I AM an alcoholic who IS a Nymphomaniac. I have had my ups and downs with the alcohol, but my sexual response is one in which I have never been able to quell.

Does this mean I don’t have a conscience…NO. I DO have a conscience, one in which I wrestle with each and every day. Why, because it is BECAUSE of my increased sexual arousal that I have created many unhappy people.

If there is a Hell will I burn there for eternity, I HOPE not, and yet, I still can’t seem to control my urges. Should I be doomed for something that is incurable? I don’t know, I wonder about these things a lot.

All this worry is probably just for naught however. If there is a final judgement, I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out the fate that surrounds me. If there is NO final judgement, then I guess I won’t have to worry about these matters.

I guess the best thing I can do is to live my life the best way I know how, and help those who are less fortunate than I am. This way I can at least hedge my bets… Hehehehe.

Until Later Diary…

 

 

The Scripe

Image result for Dr Seuss cartoon characters

Thought I’d try a little Dr. Seuss style on this one. Let me know what you think.

 

Away in the forest and over the hill,

Lies a quiet little town whose name is Bree Mill.

It has mountains and streams, and buildings with beams,

It has people with pipes, and one Hobbit named Scripe.

 

Scripe, they say, is smaller than most,

His skin tone is pale, as white as a ghost,

But, he is happy and friendly, say his friends who are close,

And he is happiest when seen giving a toast.

 

He hobbles around the town with a cane,

From an accident he had, where no one was blamed.

He works in confection, makes sweet things galore,

Yet he would rather, you see, be dancing on the floor.

 

Indeed a dancer, he was, till that ill-fated day,

When a Trolley Bombaster would take it away.

His leg was impaired, yet his spirits were bright,

For now he could TEACH others to dance through the night.

 

So this is his story, and this is his tale,

The Scripe teaches on, and refuses to fail.

Let this be a lesson to those who are down,

Follow the Scripe, and turn that frown upside down.

 

 

 

 

 

Let Them Eat Cake

Image result for Chocolate Cake

Virtually everyone in the world likes chocolate, if you don’t; there is something wrong with the cortex of your brain. Seriously, if you don’t like chocolate, you are probably a serial killer or perhaps someone who loves inflicting pain on animals.

Now, raise your hand if you DON’T like chocolate. I THOUGHT so… The reason I bring this up is that today is CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY. That’s right, I know this because my Alexa machine has been NEVER wrong, and SHE says that today is the infamous day.

Armed with this knowledge, I have baked several chocolate cakes, one for me, and several for the city mission. I’m sure that since everyone in the world likes this dark and sweet concoction, the people at the mission will be grateful and well sugared up for the night.

Why do I even bring this up, I don’t know, Staring at the blank page or a while was tedious so I decided to just write some drivel. How am I doing? Hey, we can’t ALWAYS be on our game and write Tom Sawyer novelettes every day you know.

Ok, OK, I will go back to staring at the page and see if something hits me as earth shattering blog material. I remain yours in a boring status…

Until Later…

 

New Year’s Resolutions Reviewed

Image result for new year's resolutions

Since New Year’s is coming soon, I thought I would review some of the most common resolutions so we could ALL get a clear prospective of what they’re   about. Hopefully, you will read my suggestions and take them for what they are worth…A complete load of ?@@(*^%!…

Losing Weight—This is one of the more popular resolutions along with joining a Gym, and becoming more health conscious. While these are ALL great to SAY you are going to do, each has only a 3% chance of being followed trough. Usually, the unfit STAY unfit because, well, let’s FACE it, it’s TOO much like WORK. Who the HELL wants to eat a donut and then have to work out for 6 hrs., trying to undo the calories it only took 5 minutes or less to eat? MY SUGGESTION:—Eat the Donut and to HELL with the workout, love yourself as you ARE and move on.

Quitting Smoking—I never got addicted so…Don’t care. If ya got ‘em, smoke ‘em, if ya wanna quit, patch up, and chew your way to being smoke free. P.S. if you DO decide to quit, please be PREPARED to gain at least 10-25 Lbs., and then NEXT January, use the above as your resolution.

Quit Drinking—-This is one that I would resolve to do EVERY New Year’s Eve. My “Good Intentions” usually only lasted until the day AFTER New Year’s. Sadly, I NEVER seemed to manage this one year after year. Hopefully, if this is YOUR intention, I wish you much luck and success. Cheers, I mean I’m WITH you on this one.

Lastly, Let me address All New Year’s resolutions, they are ALL MEANT as a good thing, the only PROBLEM is, we are Human Beings and as such, we are flawed.  DON’T beat yourselves up if you fall short, just do the best you can.

Remember, there is always NEXT YEAR!!!!!

Happy New Year Everyone…

Sooz