A Cheesy Story by Sooz

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Once upon a time, in a foreign country, far, far away, (I STILL love that opening), there lived a beautiful girl named Cracker. Hey, don’t look at me, I didn’t name the kid, I would have called her Cinderella, or perhaps Shannin. Geez, what some parents call their kids these days.

Anyway, Cracker lived in a beautiful farming village, tucked away in an area where there are fresh, clean waters, and beautiful snow capped mountains. A cabin overlooking the valley displayed Nature’s wonders, and a booming community below.

Cracker was a bright child, she was filled with youthful exuberance, and a profound curiosity of the unknown. She was bored with the small community lifestyle however, and wanted to be an entrepreneur.

One day while in the barn milking the cow, she thought, hum, what would happen if I took some of the rennet from the drying calves liver (YUCK), and added it to the cow’s milk. Wondering … “What If”, she took some cows milk, added the rennet, and thought maybe try some lemon as a little zest. Nothing happened.

Then she thought, OK, let me heat it under a fire and see what happens. When she did, she noticed that the milk began to curdle, Quickly, she got an old cloth and tried sifting out the milk from the remaining lumpy by product.

She let it sit out in the weather for a couple of days, while also pressing the hardened result down between two heavy books. After a couple weeks she ventured out to try her invention. Well, low and behold, it was delicious.

She took it into her parents house and made them taste it. To their surprise, they LOVED it. Her parents said she had a hit here, and took it to sell in the market. It seemed that Cracker just couldn’t make the product fast enough. As soon as she would make some, it would immediately sell out.

That my friends is the story of how cheese was first made. Oh, by the way, did I tell you her last name??? Barrel. And Now you know, the LIAR’S truth.

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I read your blog about being bitten by a flea, and I laughed my ass off. I thought I would write and tell you what happened to me, as I thought you would enjoy it. It all started when I was a child about the age of 12.

My Family and I went old style camping, you know, no inside toilets or any real amenities. My brother and I were in the woods, hiking, and we both had stepped in a grass covered depression in the ground. It turned out, that depression was a bees nest.

The next thing you know, it seemed as though there were 1000 honey bees flying around us and stinging us all over. We hauled our asses out of there asap and ran faster than an Olympian sprinter back to our cabin.

When we got back, whimpering like little girls, my mother lovingly, (Yet secretly enjoying this), pulled out the stingers still stuck in my cute little ass. Each stinger pulled, cut my chances of becoming a professional equestrian. I could just see myself bouncing up and down in the saddle yelling ouch with each and every bounce.

I’ll never forget that day, and after reading your story, it brought back all those beautiful, yet painful memories. Thanks for the memories Sooz.

Sore Ass

 

Dear Sore Ass:

While my flea bite was very uncomfortable, I believe you’ve got me beat. Thanks for the input, it was fun and amusing.

 

 

Sooz Update

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Hi everybody. Just wanted to check in and say that my condition is improving every day. Can’t keep a good girl down, (Unless I NEED to be down Under someone). Yup, I must be getting better, sex is back on my mind.

Speaking of sex, I must say that there is a REAL cute nurse here who has been taking “extra” good care of me. I DO love those slow and sexy sponge baths, especially in those “Hard to get at” areas.

She may very well be my next conquest, when I am able. Anyway, for now, I am limited to chess and video games. Never thought I would become an addict, but the new Final Fantasy game is hard not to keep playing. God, I’m a gamer, hehehehehehe.

If I’m honest, I am going crazy here doing basically nothing. Two more weeks of this monotony and I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can’t wait. I am definitely a type A personality and I NEED to be doing something at all times.

Don’t get me wrong, reading about 60 books and playing chess is OK, but I NEED to be constantly moving and shaking, (Usually my ass). Oh come on, it WAS funny, Laugh dammit.

I MAY also be getting horny again, three times I’ve already masturbated today. Ya see, some things NEVER change, thank goodness. Well, gotta go, it’s time for my fencing lesson…Just kidding, my chess table is set up and Victoria is going to attempt to beat me…Fat Chance.

Bye for now, and love to all.

 

Do You Really Wish You Were an Oscar Mayer Wiener

 

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For years, some little kid has come on TV, and has sung the song, He Wished He Was An Oscar Mayer Wiener. My question…WHY??? Let’s be real here people, why would anyone want to give up being a Human Being to be a HOT DOG?

Sure, I know at FIRST it might be tempting, but then you have to ask yourselves, if I WERE a hot dog, someone would eat you and then Puffffff, your life is KAPUT. Just think about THAT little Mikey , no more skateboarding, pulling girls hair, or even EATING your OWN hot dog. Just 3 or 4 bites and Good Bye Mikey.

Not only THAT, just LOOK and see what’s IN a hot dog:

Turkey by products

Chicken stuff

Pork Stuff

Water

Salt, ohhh yeah, LOTS of salt

Potassium Lactate

Sodium Phosphates

Sodium Diacetate

Sodium Erythorbate

Maltrodextrin

Sodium Nitrate—Yummy

Now, don’t these sound yummy??? So WHY would you wanna BE a Hot Dog????

Was the MONEY really worth it kid, or did you get your wish, and turn INTO an Oscr Meyer Wiener? Hell, I HOPE not, I may have just EATEN poor Mikey at the game on the 4TH.

 

 

The Life of a Pencil

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It’s been a while since I have written anything really funny, so, I thought I would it would be time to give my funny bone a workout. I sat here and thought about several different things that would be funny, like North Korea and it’s crazy ass leader, bathing habits, and of course POOP.

While ALL of these are funny subjects, I’ve decided to write about A Day in the Life of a Pencil…What??? You don’t think that’s funny, Come ON!!! This will be from the perspective of the pencil. How could it NOT be funny. You’ll LAUGH your ass off.

(Big Yawn)… “What a glorious day”. “I am ready, willing and able to start my writing duties, LET’S GO!!! “Oh good, here comes a kid now, that’s it, pick me up and let’s do some drawing or writing”.

 “

Hey kid,wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, what are you DOING, Awwwwww, DON’T put your tongue on my eraser….YUCK”. “Hey kid, try using my WRITING side, what are you doing anyway, teething, Gheese”!!!

“Damn it kid, you just ATE my fucking eraser”. NOW what are you gonna do when you make a mistake”? “Well, there goes my MODELING career”. What’s WRONG with these Humans anyway”???

“OK, here we go, FINALLY, that’s it, press me nice and easy against the paper… I said EEEEEASY kid”. “Oh NO… OOOOOUCCCCHHHH!!!!!” Now you’ve broken my fucking point, will you PLEASE watch it kid”???  Hey, where are you going”? “NO, NOT the SHARPENER”…

“Shit, here it comes”. “OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH”!!!

“Oh man, I am Soooooooo FUCKING sore now. Just put me the HELL down kid, and go wreck something else”. “Thank God”… Finally, some time to rest up and recoup, good night all”…I LIVE to fight another day!!!

 

 

 

10 Things Never to do When Writing

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There are sooooooooo many people out there who write to “improve” other people’s writing, without ever explaining WHAT pitfalls to watch for when you finally DO pick up that pen and paper or computer.

 

I have devised a list of 10 things you should never do when you are writing, so that all of you potential writers have a CHANCE of making a million dollars on your next book.

 

  1. Never write when you are drunk. Ask me, I KNOW. When drunk, you believe you have written a masterpiece, when all you have actually written is something right out of Sooz’s Nursery Rhymes.

 

  1. Never write when you are tired. If you DO, the brain wants to finish your article toot suite, and it ends up going in the rejection bin in the morning. It is better just to sit down, relax, have 6 or 7 drinks, pass out and then try again in the morning. (The writing that is, NOT the drinking).

 

  1. While having sex. It CAN be done, but it is very difficult. Either finish your love play first, OR your writing.

 

  1. While watching TV. All I can say here is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! This is a big no no. Too much interference that messes with your creativity. Finish watching House Hunters and THEN write.

 

  1. Never write on an empty OR a full stomach. If you write while you are hungry, you are always thinking about food. If you write on a full stomach, you are either thinking about sleeping OR puking. Enough said here.

 

  1. Never write about a personal experience you had unless it is EXTREEMLY funny or horrifying. Nothing else is really interesting; again…Ask me, I’ll tell you.

 

  1. Never write while you are depressed. If you do, no one will EVER read you again. Just sayin’.

 

  1. Never write when you are sleepy. If you do, you will find a story like this. Once upon a time………………………………………………………………….. nnnnnnnnnnnjjjjjjjjjjjjjjklkjchhdecwdclksMcSC,m d/w.md wlejl  kwc

 

  1. Never write when you are butt naked. Sure, it feels great, BUT…Then you have to stop every 15 minutes to masturbate and you lose the coherency of the story. Again, personal experience.

 

OK… There IS no number 10 because as you have probably figured out, I AM drunk and this whole thing is a compilation of drivel. I’ll hit the sack and try again when I am sober.

Bye for now…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the Beginning

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In the beginning, there was a Light, or a Spirit, or something or other that said,”Let there be Man”, and man was to be. Next it said,”Let there be an Earth, so that man can have land to fight over, and for me to watch over as entertainment”, and there appeared a planet called Earth.

 

Then, being tired out after such a horrendous feat said, “ I shall now create evil”, and he created woman, to tempt and to twist man into a pretzel with her devilish ways.

 

Soon god grew tired of watching men and woman bitch at each other, so he created politicians for a NEW source of entertainment. This proved to be a wonderful accomplishment as the politicians lied, cheated, and seemed as if they would do ANYTHING to get what they wanted. God LOVED to watch them as they lived their lives differently each day.

 

God was always amused at how they would act to get what they wanted. Some called themselves Democrats and some called themselves Republicans, but BOTH even though they swore had their party values, would connive and deceive to secretly get what THEY wanted.

 

Meanwhile, the countries they served went to Hell in a hand basket and god laughed and laughed. God knew they were better than ever sending some slithering snake and have Eve bite an apple as an evil gesture, this was just pure gold.

 

Now, god could always do what he wanted to do and destroy the Earth in a big ball of fire. You see, God always did like shooting off missiles. So one day, when he was a little bored, god had the politicians of one country point and fire their missiles at all the other countries. There was a HUGE explosion, which wiped out ALL the population of the Earth. This time, god would create the perfect world, so he rolled up his sleeves, and said, “Let there be women, and ONLY one man”, who would act as a stud.

 

And god was happy, and the world flourished.

The End…

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Hello Dreamshadow, I have a question to ask Sooz. It is for my friend, of course. “I work in sales at a company that sells, office supplies. It is a decent job and my coworkers are pretty cool for the most part, but there is this one sales guy who is always very serious and way over the top about everything. 

 My BF also works here and we have been pranking this, “way too serious guy” for years. Keep in mind that these are never truly harmful pranks and he generally takes it well. This one time, we left a voodoo doll on his desk with one pin in it on the right thigh. 

 What he didn’t know is that the metal pin was actually a touch-sensitive contact that activated a small remote vibrating buzzer device that my BF had in his pocket. When the pin was touched, the small device buzzed silently and my BF would yell, “OUCH!” from anywhere in the office and grab his “boo boo”. 

Then BF would rub his thigh and say things like, “I really need to get this checked out.” Mr. Oh-So-Serious began to think he had power over my BF. After a couple days we left a doll that resembled the guy on my BF’s desk. 

 When BF got into the office, he picked it up and when the serious guy noticed, he looked panicked. Later in the day, BF got a cancellation over the phone, and pretended to be upset about it. He jabbed the doll mindlessly with a pair of scissors, missed the torso, and stuck it in the doll’s upper-right arm.

 

The man walked around rubbing his bicep for several hours. This went on for quite a while, and the guy actually ended up stealing the doll. We caught him, and he was super embarrassed, but as you can see it was a truly harmless prank. Lately, we have been running short on pranks. I mean after 10 years of this thing has gotten a bit stale. What should we do SOOZ?

 Devious Prankster

 

Dear Devious Prankster:

Hey, I’ve played MY share of practical jokes on people, but never any that really messed with someone’s head. Why don’t you and your best friend just invite the guy out for a few beers, get to really know him a little better and end all of this tomfoolery.

One of these days you or your best friend may need him for something and would want him to be on YOUR team. Play nice boys, remember, “KARMA is a BITCH”…

 

 

Sooz’s Diary

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Dear Diary:

As I write these words I am curious to that of Human Nature. Some people see me as a former captain of industry, and now a student redefining her life, others, see me as a drunken whore and a woman without conscience.

It’s almost as if I have two separate personalities, and yet, I am merely a woman, nothing more and nothing less. Yes, I have faults and talents like the rest of Humanity, and yes, my feelings can be hurt, and believe it or not, cut me and I bleed just like you do.

Why is it that MANY want my persona to be the drunk and sexual Nymphomaniac? Is it because I am easy after I am drunk, and they can just have their way with me? Helene, perhaps I should send a letter to Just Ask Sooz and find out.

The truth is I AM an alcoholic who IS a Nymphomaniac. I have had my ups and downs with the alcohol, but my sexual response is one in which I have never been able to quell.

Does this mean I don’t have a conscience…NO. I DO have a conscience, one in which I wrestle with each and every day. Why, because it is BECAUSE of my increased sexual arousal that I have created many unhappy people.

If there is a Hell will I burn there for eternity, I HOPE not, and yet, I still can’t seem to control my urges. Should I be doomed for something that is incurable? I don’t know, I wonder about these things a lot.

All this worry is probably just for naught however. If there is a final judgement, I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out the fate that surrounds me. If there is NO final judgement, then I guess I won’t have to worry about these matters.

I guess the best thing I can do is to live my life the best way I know how, and help those who are less fortunate than I am. This way I can at least hedge my bets… Hehehehe.

Until Later Diary…