Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Hello Dreamshadow, I have a question to ask Sooz. It is for my friend, of course. “I work in sales at a company that sells, office supplies. It is a decent job and my coworkers are pretty cool for the most part, but there is this one sales guy who is always very serious and way over the top about everything. 

 My BF also works here and we have been pranking this, “way too serious guy” for years. Keep in mind that these are never truly harmful pranks and he generally takes it well. This one time, we left a voodoo doll on his desk with one pin in it on the right thigh. 

 What he didn’t know is that the metal pin was actually a touch-sensitive contact that activated a small remote vibrating buzzer device that my BF had in his pocket. When the pin was touched, the small device buzzed silently and my BF would yell, “OUCH!” from anywhere in the office and grab his “boo boo”. 

Then BF would rub his thigh and say things like, “I really need to get this checked out.” Mr. Oh-So-Serious began to think he had power over my BF. After a couple days we left a doll that resembled the guy on my BF’s desk. 

 When BF got into the office, he picked it up and when the serious guy noticed, he looked panicked. Later in the day, BF got a cancellation over the phone, and pretended to be upset about it. He jabbed the doll mindlessly with a pair of scissors, missed the torso, and stuck it in the doll’s upper-right arm.

 

The man walked around rubbing his bicep for several hours. This went on for quite a while, and the guy actually ended up stealing the doll. We caught him, and he was super embarrassed, but as you can see it was a truly harmless prank. Lately, we have been running short on pranks. I mean after 10 years of this thing has gotten a bit stale. What should we do SOOZ?

 Devious Prankster

 

Dear Devious Prankster:

Hey, I’ve played MY share of practical jokes on people, but never any that really messed with someone’s head. Why don’t you and your best friend just invite the guy out for a few beers, get to really know him a little better and end all of this tomfoolery.

One of these days you or your best friend may need him for something and would want him to be on YOUR team. Play nice boys, remember, “KARMA is a BITCH”…

 

 

Twas the Night Before Xmas Parody

  I wrote this a while ago but I liked it so much I thought I would re post it. I hope you enjoy it.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring except for a couple of rats in my walls and the bat which came down my chimney.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but NOT carefully enough because the long assed stockings caught fire and nearly burned down my mantle.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, at least THIS is what the parents thought. The crafty little bastards were already stealthily searching the house for their presents.

And mamma in her kerchief, and me in my hat, were drunk as a skunk and ready for a nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed and called the cops. “Hey…I’m trying to sleep here.”

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and dropped all my Hash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow seemed to rise and to fall like freshly baked dough. Hey…They can’t ALL be funny…”Give me a freakin’ break will ya??????”

When what to my wondering eyes should appear a HUGE ass sleigh and eight big as elephants Reindeer. I quit drinking Scotch shortly after that.

With a little old driver so lively and quick, I saw Santa Clause; the booze had done its trick.

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.” Hearing this I shouted out “WTF!!!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, (???), when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. (SERIOUSLY????) So up to the housetop, the coursers they flew, (Why didn’t they just call them the f**king Reindeer?),with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. I hope that red suited old man doesn’t expect ME to clean up that Reindeer Poop on the roof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He ruined my WHOLE freakin’ chimney too that fat bastard.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet, (Sale on at Macy’s), and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Serves the A hole right for comin’ don my chimney.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And I thought…GREAT…This guy stole from the Toys for Tots shelter.

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cheery. No WONDER… His breath smelled like he had just come from a major WINE tasting Vineyard.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. I think he colors it…

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. OK…I’m being KIND here…The guy HAD to weigh in at over 500 lbs.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (I never KNEW that Santa WAS an elf), and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, he scared the livin’ bejesus out of me, kinda like the exorcist. Oh wait…This doesn’t rhyme…Oh well…!?!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the remaining BURNT stockings then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he picked out the booger and up the chimney he rose.

He staggered to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him explain, as he drove out of sight, “DON’T tell anyone and have a good night.”

Happy Christmas!!!

Until Later…

Once Again, it’s Time for WACKY Xmas Gifts

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Christmas is a time of giving, so what better way to give your significant other something he/she will use every day. Of course, I’m talking about the Nose Shower Dispenser along with shower gel.

Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

 THAT’S right, just squeeze the nose and out pops some shower gel to help get you clean. What a great gift idea, and ONLY 18.99. Supplies ARE limited so hurry. 

Or, how about stocking stuffers, every year we rush around trying to figure out what to put in hose cozy stocking hung on the mantle, NOT any more? No more candy and gum, NOW you can have unique gifts like:

  • A Bacon AIR Freshener
  • X rated Penis Stocking to keep his baby warm at night while you have a headache
  • Poo Splat Balls
  • Donald Trump Toilet paper
  • Reindeer farting Butt ornament

Or perhaps, you would just like your usual Pickle Flask, A great gift for ANY Alcoholic, I know I want one.

OH!WOW A Pretty Pickle Flask

Now for the lady of the house:

  • How about a nice Laughing Hilary pen? Donald doesn’t laugh so they don’t MAKE those.
  • Inside the MIND of Obama book (This is on sale for only 1.00 Dollar because the book has only 4 lines printed)
  • Or, how about a nice Bikini scarf– only 15.00 Bucks          
  •                                                

My favorite, Ugly Christmas Sweaters—I like Santa on the toilet.

Ugly Christmas Sweater: Toilet Santa, 1st Edition

How about something for everyone- his AND her underwear. Saves on washing chores and bring two people closer together for good old fashioned Christmas fun.

Christmas Fundies

Or, how about that ugly Christmas sweater for two?

Two Person Ugly Christmas Sweater: Naughty & Nice Santa

We have something for everyone so don’t despair, give me a call today and I’ll hook you up, OR, hook up WITH you…

😉

 

Until Later

 

 

A Thanksgiving to Remember

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Thanksgiving is a day of solemn thankfulness, and of course a hearty bounty of food and drink. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot the football game, a time honored tradition from when the Indians would visit the Pilgrims, and eat, drink, and watch football.

This year, we can offer up a special thanks to our newly elected President, Donald Clinton, Trump. Ah, what a festive time it will be at the White House, packing up all the good silverware into your valise, taking a festive trinket or two like the nuclear football, and of course eating their last Thanksgiving meal in the White House.

Grits and collard greens, a turkey stuffed with chitlans and cornbread, and of course Ham hock pie, Mmmmmmm. Makes your mouth just water, doesn’t it? Of course, after a filling dinner, what could be better than to have the TV on, watching the Lions play, while Michelle gets you beer and chips at your beckon call? Yup, it’ll be hard giving up the Presidency.

Donald, of course, will be too busy to enjoy the festivities as he has to learn how to build a wall, become a Ninja so he can sneak in and out of black neighborhoods to see where the need extra police are needed, and of course rounding up all the illegal immigrants that haven’t been found yet.

You and I can just sit back, relax, have a beer or your favorite cocktail and just enjoy the day. Thank you Indians for teaching us white men how to cook such delicious meals.

God Bless you All…

 

10 Reasons God Created Adam

1.   To look good for Eve in a leaf suit

2.   To have Eve help find his keys

3.   For Eve to have someone to bitch and complain to

4.   To take the garbage out for Eve

5.   To ptotect Eve from snakes–Whoops?!?

6.   There were NO Vibrators then…Enough said…

7.   For someone to dance with

8.   To help start the Human race–SOMEONE had to do it

9.   To help fix the Dino car when it broke down

10.  To help yell at kids

 

Democrats and Republicans—This Year’s COMEDY OF ERRORS

Let me start out by saying that I am like Switzerland; I have no like, or dislike for ANY candidate, I dislike them BOTH, equally. As a result, I can be just as honest as I want. I am not tied by political referendum or rhetoric; I am an intelligent individual who wants only the BEST for our country.

Let’s be perfectly real here folks, Trump is a self-appointed windbag who likes to hear himself talk, and Hilary is just well, a plain out liar. Let’s see, WHO do we want to be our President, a self-absorbed, woman hating, narcissist, or a woman who has been in the political ring for so long now, she wouldn’t know the truth if it was handed to her in a Bible.

That’s why THIS year; I am casting my write in vote for Mickey Mouse. Mickey is a personal friend of mine from the Disney studio and I believe he is the best candidate for this difficult job.

Think about it, has Mickey ever lied to you…NO… Has he ever spoken unkindly about women or the goals they stand for …NO…Is he a political figure or a money hungry mouse…NO… Would he treat us all with respect and dignity…YES…?

Then the choice as I see it is clear, vote for the mouse for President. Just write his name in on the ballot. It’s simple to easy, and let’s face it; he IS the best mouse for the job. Just think about it, others would be flabbergasted, they would have no previous knowledge of any of his political convictions. Putin, especially, would be TOTALLY in the dark and wouldn’t know how to address him. I love it!!!

Think about it, if you really search your soul, you will agree with what I have said. Let’s elect someone who can not only do the job, but who WANTS to change our lives for the better…GO MICKEY MOUSE!!!!

 

 

 

Keurig Repair—Sooz’s Way

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Let me just start out by saying that I LOVE coffee. About a year ago, I got my first Keurig coffee maker, I love it. Up until yesterday it worked just fine, so this morning, I thought rather than spend 50 bucks or more to have it repaired, I would just tinker around with it and see hat I could do.

Now for those of you who read me, you may have surmised that I am NOT the best fix it woman in the world. However, ONCE gain, I decided that I would give it a shot.

I took out my handy Keurig booklet, went to the troubleshooting section and dug in.

No Power—Plug the machine in DUH!!!, See if blue light comes on. CHECK!!!

Blue Light is on but NO coffee—Yup, that was the problem, SEE, how hard was that. Then it gave a few suggestions like line up possible tools needed. It said get a needle nose pliers, a Phillips head screwdriver, a Flat head screwdriver, a Star headed screwdriver, a regular pliers, some Duct Tape (Figures), and a wire stripper.

Yikes, this was becoming more than I wanted to handle. I figured that all I would have to do is push the re-set button. So, the book said to lift and re-set the water thingy by lifting it up and then easily giggling it a couple of times…NOTHING!!!

Then, it said if THAT didn’t work to open up where you put the cups in and take a safety pin, (What happened o all those tools), and stick it inside the little hole in there a few times…Nothing.

After an an hour messing with it, I decided there was one tool I was probably missing. I took the coffee maker out to my garage, placed it on the floor  used the tool I KNEW would fix it…Yup….A Sledgehammer. I broke that #$%@%*& thing into about a million pieces…FINALLY…I KNEW what was wrong with it, I needed a NEW one.

 

 

You Know You’re a Hoarder When…

You wake up and take a shower…In the kitchen sink.

You can’t decide WHICH pair of your 200 pairs of shoes you should search for to wear today.

It takes you 35 minutes to get from your bed to your bedroom door.

You search for an hour trying to find the cat food for your 27 cats.

You can use your cat’s feces to spread manure onto your neighbors 200 acre farm.

You can’t decide whether to find your TV or try and get to your front door today.

You think the people with hazard masks are just coming to VISIT you.

You’re not SURE, but you THINK you had a dog in here somewhere.

Your neighbors send you a letter threatening to BURN your house down.

You can’t find your toilet so you use an empty Maxwell Coffee can.

 

**If you have any of these symptoms, either call a Psychiatrist, or a dumpster.**