Twas the Night Before Xmas Parody

  I wrote this a while ago but I liked it so much I thought I would re post it. I hope you enjoy it.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring except for a couple of rats in my walls and the bat which came down my chimney.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but NOT carefully enough because the long assed stockings caught fire and nearly burned down my mantle.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, at least THIS is what the parents thought. The crafty little bastards were already stealthily searching the house for their presents.

And mamma in her kerchief, and me in my hat, were drunk as a skunk and ready for a nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed and called the cops. “Hey…I’m trying to sleep here.”

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and dropped all my Hash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow seemed to rise and to fall like freshly baked dough. Hey…They can’t ALL be funny…”Give me a freakin’ break will ya??????”

When what to my wondering eyes should appear a HUGE ass sleigh and eight big as elephants Reindeer. I quit drinking Scotch shortly after that.

With a little old driver so lively and quick, I saw Santa Clause; the booze had done its trick.

More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

“Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.” Hearing this I shouted out “WTF!!!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, (???), when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. (SERIOUSLY????) So up to the housetop, the coursers they flew, (Why didn’t they just call them the f**king Reindeer?),with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. I hope that red suited old man doesn’t expect ME to clean up that Reindeer Poop on the roof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He ruined my WHOLE freakin’ chimney too that fat bastard.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet, (Sale on at Macy’s), and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Serves the A hole right for comin’ don my chimney.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And I thought…GREAT…This guy stole from the Toys for Tots shelter.

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry, his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cheery. No WONDER… His breath smelled like he had just come from a major WINE tasting Vineyard.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow. I think he colors it…

He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. OK…I’m being KIND here…The guy HAD to weigh in at over 500 lbs.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (I never KNEW that Santa WAS an elf), and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, he scared the livin’ bejesus out of me, kinda like the exorcist. Oh wait…This doesn’t rhyme…Oh well…!?!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the remaining BURNT stockings then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, he picked out the booger and up the chimney he rose.

He staggered to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him explain, as he drove out of sight, “DON’T tell anyone and have a good night.”

Happy Christmas!!!

Until Later…

The Corners of my Mind

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Around and around, the wind blows through the corners of my mind.

Memories of times past fill the darkened cavities,

While streams of sugarplums dance in others, Still…

Around and around the wind blows through the corners of my mind.

 

Crevasses fill with the darkness of despair,

While others, filled with life’s hope.

Oh, to choose the journey through these synapses, Wandering…

Around and around, the wind blows through the corners of my mind.

If I Were but a Fan

While this seems like a lighthearted poem, it is really a metaphor for how we wish our lives could be. Does this sound like YOU?

 

If I were but a fan,

From high above, I’d fly.

To spin and whirl, and twist and swirl,

And to cool those who’re warm and dry.

 

If I were but a fan,

From a ceiling I’d look down.

To view the day, as children play,

Beneath my blades of brown.    

 

If I were but a fan,

I would comfort, cool and fly.

To pass the days, and be amazed,

As life just flows on by.

 

If I were but a fan,

No worries, have I, responsibilities not a one.

My life is Scott free, as I spin happily,

Just around and around having fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adult Poetry by Sooz

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I have had this one rolling inside me for a long time and I just HAD to let it out…Hope you like it anyway…

(To the tune of Pop goes the weasel)

 

All round the Johnson or Dick,

The girl chased balls that were hairy,

That’s the way the way game is played,

POP goes the Cherry!!!

Heaven and Hell

 

Heaven

Oh Heavens gate,  may I lay upon thy pillowed clouds, and delight in serenity’s peace.

Let there be sweet repose for my resting soul, and harmony for a troubled mind.

For this shall be my eternity, earned through a shady past, yet forgiven by a merciful God.

It has been said, “Be thou at peace, and rejoice in Heavens glory, now and forever.”

 

Hell

Suffer now the consequences of life’s peril.

Be thee engulfed by the ever burning fires of Gehenna.

Feel the flames scorch and burn thy troubled soul,

And forever remember the misgivings that have caused thee this eternal suffering.

Quiet is the Night

Quiet is the night howling like a deafening silence before a storms raging fury.

Shielded by the souls of thoughts gone by, you command Natures awe. 

Powerful is thy cloak that shadows darkened minds.

Speak to me, not in thy solitude but with thy gentle persuasion.

Comfort my saddened heart upon thy shadow and restore my broken faith.

Silent Lover’s Despair

To wish, to have, to hold, to be held.

Dreams of consequence, or visions of despair?

Play me not my fickle heart, for yearning’s tears become my pain.

I search within my soul, feed me love’s embrace, let him hold me close, and nurture me within his arms.

Let me feel his breath upon my bosom, and let his light forever shine upon me.

Just Ask Sooz

psychovilleclown

Dear Sooz:

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and he has a problem. No, I don’t mean a sexual problem, we are good there, He is deathly afraid of clowns. No, seriously, he gets crazy when he sees even a picture of a clown.

I bring this up because we have a 6 year old son who has a birthday coming up. Thinking it would be nice for Mark, (our son); I suggested we hire a clown to make the party more fun.

Well, my husband freaked out and said absolutely not, there was no way a clown was coming to our house. I thought this was a bit unrealistic, so I stormed off into the bedroom. Am I wrong here, or should I respect my husband’s wishes.

Sad Clown Face

Dear Sad Clown Face:

As odd as it may seem, many people are afraid or scared of clowns, just like many people are afraid of spiders. Just tell your husband you didn’t realize how bad it affects him, and hire a magician instead. No one can go wrong with a kid’s magician. Good luck. Oh, Happy Birthday to Mark…

 

 

Poetry by Sooz

Oh withered tree, I cry out from beneath your pillars of wood, a lonely song.

I was a man,  a husband, father and a patriot.

Dutifully resigned by sworn oath,

To serve,  protect and defend my country.

 

Going to war, many times I realized not only its savage fury,

But the pointlessness of killing my fellow man,

For the sake of an ideology,

Or the consumption of power.

 

I rest now, hit by insanities bullet,

I lie beneath this oak,

My thoughts remain,

Yet, with hurt feelings of being forsaken by others.

 

Remember, I am the reason today’s freedom rings on.

Celebrate MY sacrifice,

Through the remembrance of of my fellow brethren,

And perhaps a prayer, to renew MY faith, and for an end to ALL conflict.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Winds of Change

 

The winds of change are blowing as we drift along  a stormy sea.
Many have heard them, but few have listened. 
Quiet contentment lays dormant at our feet, yet, uneasy waters stir.
Blind ambition fills our lives and wreaks havoc with our very souls.

Woe is he who has tasted the supper of life’s temptations,
for he is but a shadow of a lasting soul.
Blessed is he who has the gift of patience,
For he is the bearer of eternal peace.

Heed the winds of change, embrace their fury,
And forever be subject to their domain.
Time’s law can not be broken,
Yet those who bear witness, survive.

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