Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I read your blog about being bitten by a flea, and I laughed my ass off. I thought I would write and tell you what happened to me, as I thought you would enjoy it. It all started when I was a child about the age of 12.

My Family and I went old style camping, you know, no inside toilets or any real amenities. My brother and I were in the woods, hiking, and we both had stepped in a grass covered depression in the ground. It turned out, that depression was a bees nest.

The next thing you know, it seemed as though there were 1000 honey bees flying around us and stinging us all over. We hauled our asses out of there asap and ran faster than an Olympian sprinter back to our cabin.

When we got back, whimpering like little girls, my mother lovingly, (Yet secretly enjoying this), pulled out the stingers still stuck in my cute little ass. Each stinger pulled, cut my chances of becoming a professional equestrian. I could just see myself bouncing up and down in the saddle yelling ouch with each and every bounce.

I’ll never forget that day, and after reading your story, it brought back all those beautiful, yet painful memories. Thanks for the memories Sooz.

Sore Ass

 

Dear Sore Ass:

While my flea bite was very uncomfortable, I believe you’ve got me beat. Thanks for the input, it was fun and amusing.

 

 

I Just Got Bitten by a Flea, UGH!!!

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So here’s the thing, I’m minding my OWN business satisfying a need, and along comes a flea and bites me on my La La land. For those of you who need a quick translation, the damn thing bit me in the crotch.

Interesting, I have never been bitten by an insect before in THIS area. Let me just say…WTF??? You may think it’s funny being looked at like you are in a constant state of masturbating, but, let me tell you, it itches like HELL!!!

I go to my medicine chest and see if I have any anti itch cream…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!! Then, I remember that if you put vinegar on the bite, it should remove the itch. By now, since I have handled myself like an insane woman, the bite is about the size of New Jersey, and is easily recognizable.

Quickly, I take the vinegar, put in on a Kleenex and apply it to my cooche. OUCH!!! Yes, I screamed like a child as the burning sensation melted away half my Zippee. As you can see, I don’t call my Va Jay-Jay the same thing every time.

I Immediately doused it with water, whimpered a little more, also scratched a little more, (Increasing the bite to the size of California).  Desperately, I tried two things:

 A. Getting my hands away from it

 B. Praying to the gods of Flea itch relief.

To get my mind off of it, I watched TV thinking this might distract me. It DID until the commercial about Itching cream relief came on…SERIOUSLY??? Guess where my hand went??? Hellllllllp!!!!!

 

 

Sooz Update

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Hi everybody. Just wanted to check in and say that my condition is improving every day. Can’t keep a good girl down, (Unless I NEED to be down Under someone). Yup, I must be getting better, sex is back on my mind.

Speaking of sex, I must say that there is a REAL cute nurse here who has been taking “extra” good care of me. I DO love those slow and sexy sponge baths, especially in those “Hard to get at” areas.

She may very well be my next conquest, when I am able. Anyway, for now, I am limited to chess and video games. Never thought I would become an addict, but the new Final Fantasy game is hard not to keep playing. God, I’m a gamer, hehehehehehe.

If I’m honest, I am going crazy here doing basically nothing. Two more weeks of this monotony and I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can’t wait. I am definitely a type A personality and I NEED to be doing something at all times.

Don’t get me wrong, reading about 60 books and playing chess is OK, but I NEED to be constantly moving and shaking, (Usually my ass). Oh come on, it WAS funny, Laugh dammit.

I MAY also be getting horny again, three times I’ve already masturbated today. Ya see, some things NEVER change, thank goodness. Well, gotta go, it’s time for my fencing lesson…Just kidding, my chess table is set up and Victoria is going to attempt to beat me…Fat Chance.

Bye for now, and love to all.

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have an unusual problem to deal with. I am a 24 year old Navy wife whose husband is currently deployed. My next door neighbor is a 30 something man whose wife is in the Army, and also deployed.

Here is the problem, from a good natured thought, I decided to invite him over for dinner one night. We ate dinner, discussed our spouses, and then things went haywire.

We were sitting with a bottle of wine or two, just talking, when he began to get “frisky”. I must admit, I was loaded and didn’t really know what I was doing, and eventually we ended up going to bed together.

The next day, I was filled with remorse and guilt. Should I tell my husband about this, explain the circumstances and hope for the best, or should I keep my mouth shut and pray that the neighbor never talks and moves on?

Embarrassed Wife

 

Dear Embarrassed Wife:

While I am NO way a moral compass, if it was me, I would keep quiet and move on about your lives. Obviously this was alcohol fueled, and as such, a MISTAKE. Realize that you are only Human, but understand your mistake and own it.

Nothing ever good comes from blabbing about your mistakes. Hopefully HE understands this also, if he does, everything should work itself out. Keep your pie hole shut and things should be OK. “Just Don’t Do It Again!!!”

 

Random Thoughts

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In every life, I believe we coexist as two individual personalities in one body. The first, is one who is kind, compassionate, generous and loving.

Our evil twin if you will. This personality, is the one who is ultimately destructive. The one who lies, cheats, and lives the carefree lifestyle, free from the “towing the line philosophy”.

Some of us are swayed by one or the other personality, while others lean towards the combination of both. I have always been fascinated by Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, seeing whether the evil could be extracted and the good be made ever present.

Interesting though isn’t it? So many Psychiatric drugs developed which calm and restore “normalcy”, yet nothing to actually separate the two different personalities. I believe one day this WILL be the case and we will get to choose the life we want.

Think of it, taking the evil out of the criminal, forcing them to walk the straight and narrow. No more malice or fear, they would walk with the angels, and we would become a world without fear, one which could share the wealth, food, and medicine with all other Nations.

Sure, this is but a dream, but if it is, let me forever sleep. Goodnight!!!

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Hi there Sooz, not really sure how to open here. I read your Ask Sooz all the time, and it has come to be that now I have a problem. My name is Muriel and I am a 26 year old woman. My husband of 5 years, let’s call him Jack, is a very good person except for one thing, he has an explosive temper.

I had seen glimpses of it before we were married, but recently he has accelerated the number of incidents. There doesn’t seem to be any real explanation for them and I am quite concerned for my 4 year old and myself.

I have asked him what is wrong on several occasions, and he merely dismisses me saying that it is in my mind. I have tried to have him go to a counselor, but he is too macho and won’t do it.

I am afraid and don’t know what my next move should be, can you help us?

Fearful Wife

 

Dear Fearful Wife:

Your husband may be exhibiting signs of an abusive husband. You didn’t mention in your letter if he has hit you or your child. Is there anything at work that is bothering him, (Not that that is an excuse to abuse you), or anything else in his life that could have brought on this behavior?

My concern is for you and your child. If he experiences this abusive behavior again, take your child and leave for a shelter. He may very well have grown up in an abusive family, and IF so, the same abusive behavior may have carried over to him.

He NEEDS to seek counseling, no ands, ifs, or buts about it. Treatment can help but HE needs to be willing to go and seek help. Remember, stay safe, if this continues, he could be a spouse batterer. Please let me know if this goes on any further.

 

 

 

Jack and Jill—The True Story

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Almost everyone knows the nursery rhyme about Jack and Jill, BUT, do you know the TRUE story behind the sweet little rhyme, Hummmmmmm????

“Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water,

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And Jill came tumbling after.”

 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, poverty ran rampant, and the streets were lined with starving people. Could no one ease their suffering? Jack ( King Louis the 16th.) was the king at the time with his devious wife, Queen Marie Antoinette.

Taxes were heavily laid upon the kingdom’s subjects, so the rich got richer, and the poor got poorer. Hmm, sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Anyway, the peasants of France had had enough, and decided it was time to unite and take action.

Day after day they would raise their fists high in the air and demand that the king ease their burden. Alas, to no avail, the king just snickered at his hungry impoverished masses, and went back to enjoying his luxuries.

Well, the peasants came up with a plan. They would follow the king and take him off guard when his bodyguards weren’t looking. One day, while Jack and his lovely wife Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, (Really, it was HEAVY WATER, used in the making of an A bomb), the people took action.

As Jack was raising his bucket from “the well”, his subjects powered their guns, dropped in the balls, and let loose on the unsuspecting king and his wife. The king and queen immediately DROPPED to the ground to elude the bullets flying all around them. Quickly, they scampered to their feet, raced down the hill, and tripped from a divot in the ground.

Jack took a terrible fall, rolling down the hill and braking his royal crown into two separate pieces. Jill, (Antoinette) also tripped from that same hole, and tumbled down the hill like a bus without brakes.

Later that evening, Jack passed away from his massive injuries. Antoinette was then appointed ruler of France in hopes SHE would ease the peoples burden. Once again, however, she turned a blind eye towards her subjects, and, as we all know, was executed at the stake a short time later. And NOW you know, the rest of the story…From a liar’s truth.

 

 

 

Update From Sooz

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Hi there. For those you who read me, you have probably realized  I have not been on here in quite a while. Quick update, I broke up with the woman in France who I believed may have been a potential mate. The problem was, she drank a lot and brought me back in a bad situation.

I needed to decide what was best for ME, so, I broke up with her and went back into rehab. Hopefully, the second time will be the charm. Unfortunately, while in rehab, I had a massive heart attack which led to quad bypass surgery.

Currently, I am at home with many people attending to my every need. Hey, I could get used to this treatment. Seriously though, I am recovering and just haven’t felt like doing ANYTHING except lay around. Hell, I don’t even wanna have sex right now, go figure THAT one.

I just figured that I owed an explanation to my friends who have always been so thoughtful and helpful to me. Oh, Rebecca, I am SORRY, (Lo Siento) for not wishing you a Happy Birthday. I hope you were not angry with me and will understand why.

Anyway, my Dr’s have said that I will make a full recovery, but drinking is NEVER again in the cards. Just as well as it never did me any good except get me in trouble anyway.

Hope everyone has been doing well and I look forward to getting back into writing again. God Bless you all…

Love,

Sooz

A Line from Sooz

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Many of you know that I have been seeing a woman from France, you ALSO know that I am a recovering alcoholic, (Or drunk as I don’t attend meetings), here’s the thing, my recovery as slipped due to her.

Do I want to be a drunk for the rest of my life, no, do I want to continue seeing this woman who I am developing feelings for, yes, I am so confused right now. You see, as I write this I am PISSED. For those who don’t understand Gahlic, I’m drunk.

As always, it started with one drink of wine, then another and so on, now, I look forward to getting drunk with Bella and having incredible sex. You see, she is the only one I have found, who ALSO has a compatible sex drive like mine.

The more I drink, the more I want to drink, as it makes me feel Veeerrry Seeexxxxy, Meowwwwww…Bella loves to drink and get pissed, so do I but then I don’t want to LIVE the drunkard lifestyle anymore. I have taken a long time trying to get OVER this addiction and yet, it keeps pulling me back in.

I am at a crossroads here, I am falling in love with this woman, but, I realize that her habits are very bad for my sobriety. What to do, what to do? Perhaps I should Just Ask Sooz and see what SHE says, hehehehehehe.

If anyone has any thoughts on this that could help, please feel free to dish it out. I could really use the voice of reason right about now. God, it has taken me 3 times to write this….Hehehehehehehe.

Time to masturbate, MUAH to ALL!!!!!

Just Ask Sooz

 

Dear Sooz:

I am a 24 year old woman who really enjoys sex. My husband and I were married 4 years ago and we used to make love all the time, I mean twice to three times a day. Recently, he has waned to only once per week.

I have asked him if he isn’t feeling well or if something has happened down there, and he just says that he has been tired as of late. He has been working a lot lately, even sometimes into the night.

Do you think he could be secretly having an affair? I am so distraught, please help me.

Sexy Blond

 

Dear Sexy Blond:

First of all, I am not a mind reader and couldn’t tell you if your husband is having an affair. Look for the telltale signs, credit card receipts, him or his clothing smelling like perfume that is NOT yours, continued working late at night, and of course his underwear smelling of “HER”.

Give him the benefit of the doubt, after only 4 years of being married, unless he was a player before, more than likely he IS tired. If this goes on however, you may want to do some spying on your own of hire a PI to investigate. Good luck…