What Does Christmas Mean to you

I’m sitting outside on my patio in this wonderful 70 degree weather, and with Christmas right around the corner, I am contemplting what it means to me.

Like many of you, I have pushed through the crowds of people, hunted
myself silly when I had lights go out on my tree. I have found out from experience, however, that cursing in and of itself does NOT rejuvinate those pesky lights. For THAT, you need alcohol.

Let’s see, where was I??? Oh yeah, what Christmas means to me. Did I mention all those pesky relatives that crawl out of the woodwork only on Christmas? I swear, they’re like roaches hiding in remote places until you invite them over for dinner and presents…Oh yeah, what Xmas means to me.

Seriously though, xmas time is a very special time of year. It is a time where I start looking inward and realize that I should indeed give thanks for my great bounty. Yes, of COURSE I do that on Thanksgiving also, just a different set of circumstances.

Remember our fellow man, donate a Turkey or some canned goods to the food bank, maybe an extra donation of clothing at the Salvation army, or even just give someone WITHOUT a smile during this time, YOURS.

To me,  the Christmas Season is one selfless giving and love. I wanna take this opportunity to wish all of you who celebrate in the Season a very peaceful and loving Holiday. God Bless to all of you and yours.

Merry Christmas

Silly Warning Labels

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Digital Thermometer—Warning:  Do NOT operate heavy Machinery while using rectally. Thermometer may cause soreness of the anus if inserted improperly. Thermometer will NOT work without batteries. Change batteries if NO reading is given.

WII Game System—Warning:  Game will NOT operate if TV is NOT on. Do NOT play while drinking Heavily, Fighting may ensue and cause severe injury. Do NOT operate game while soaking your feet in water as this may cause possible injury or SEVERE DEATH.

Viagra–Warning:  Take ONLY as directed. Only ONE tablet at a time…DID you HEAR me? I said only ONE tablet at a time Bubba. If erection should last for more than 4 hours, CALL MORE HOOKERS, this should alleviate the BONER.

Aspirin—Warning:  Do NOT take if you have bleeding ulcers, severe abdominal pain, (Probably caused by those damn annoying severe bleeding ulcers), muscle spasms, hoof and mouth disease or severe rectal or mouth bleeding. You are SICK JACK-OFF…SEE a Dr.

Alcohol—Warning:  May cause severe drunkenness and contribute to lack of inhibitions, coordination, and good old common sense. May cause giddiness, the urge to dance on tables, form Conga Lines, the need to remove articles of clothing, sexual arousal, and PREGNANCY. Use sparingly…YEAH RIGHT…

Dog Crates—Warning:  Use ONLY as a sleeping space for your dog. Do NOT allow your children, your grandchildren, the neighbor’s kid, or any other child to play in this crate. People have been known to be visited by child protective services, the Police, or other Federal agencies if someone notices this is happening. Jail time is imminate. Just sayin’…

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

So…Let’s Talk About New Year’s Eve

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So…Let’s Talk About New Year’s Eve. I have a pretty big house which can accommodate many people, but, I only invited the “immediate” WORLD. While I CAN cook, there was going to be over 50 people there so I decided to have it catered. That way, I could concentrate more on my guests and DRINKING and spend less time slaving away in the kitchen. Plus, I decided that REAL ordure’s and food like beef, chicken, and some kind of fancy spaghetti would be better than pigs in a blanket… And I’m NOT talking about my DATES when I say that either.

I hired a band that could play ANYTHING from Country and Western to Justin Bieber (although they DIDNT ‘cause I DETEST Justin Bieber). I had enough alcohol to open my OWN tavern, clean sheets on all the beds, (Hey, you never know), and condoms BY the beds.

People started arriving at around six and by seven, everyone was there. Now I’m a game player and so are my friends so we each got some food and drinks and started playing Charades. I really LOVE that game ‘cause you can act like a fool and it’s OK. MY card was Elizabeth Taylor, (Go figure RIGHT)??? I must confess while acting her out I was a “LITTLE” Tipsy so I MAY not have done the character as best I could BUT…Once I pretended humping every guest there, people guessed it. Ahhhhh….Good Times…

Next we played Trivial Pursuit (I’m very good) and won it hands down. Hey…It was MY party RIGHT??? I remember wearing a top hat and blowing my noise maker at Midnight but THEN, things begin to get fuzzy. I remember kissing several people and I think I MAY have FLASHED some people too, although I am a little fuzzy on this part.

I woke up ALONE on New Year’s Day on the floor, with a blanket covering me and a pillow under my head. I haven’t received any negative phone calls YET so I guess everyone had a good time. I KNOW I did.

Okay…I have to go now and feed my hangover with lots of aspirin and plenty of Gatorade. I hope EVERYBODY had a good time and I wish everyone a very Happy New Year.

Muah!!!

 

Does The Weather Effect Your Sex Life

Nope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There, now that THAT’S outta the way, lets get to what I REALLY wanted to talk about…ORGASMIC DYSFUNCTION. Now…for a man, this problem is technically known as Floppy Dick Syndrome. For a woman it’s called… “WTF“…Are you KIDDING me!!!!


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        WTF!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Not to worry people, these things DO happen and it’s something we SHOULDN’T get embarrassed about…UNLESS of course, it happens to YOU!!! If it DOES, this is where you can wallow and whine all you want until your partner just throws you out from sheer ANNOYANCE!!!

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What causes Mr. Happy or our SAD Va Jay Jays to experience this TERRIBLE enigma? Usually, women have these problems because of mental stress. This could be from running 6 kids all over creation and back to 15 different school venues, or so I’m TOLD.

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Mr. Happy on the other hand, might occasionally get this problem due to excessive working conditions, taking enough blood pressure medication to bring down a herd of Buffalo on a Safari, OR, just getting DRUNK on a regular basis. OK, the alcohol CAN have the same effect on women, just hasn’t happened to ME yet. ***WIPES BROW***

So, is there anything that can be done for this condition, OR, are we helplessly DOOMED to be “BIG O CHALLENGED”? Luckily, there IS something that can be done to help with this ANNOYING problem. Usually it involves either one of THREE things.

* Have an affair–Now, while this DEFINITELY works, Slinks away), it is certainly not the MORAL thing to do.

* Get RID of all the FUCKING snot nosed kids. Let them get to their OWN damn games and sports. Gheese.

* Ease up on the alcohol, ( SHRUGS), take some time alone to reinvent yourselves, and just relax.

Certainly ALL of these methods are tried and true but the third option (MINUS the alcohol part) seems to be the most favored one. Just take a DEEP BREATH, chant for  while, listen to soothing music and all will be fixed. If for some reason these methods DON’T work, then GET your sweet ASS to the Dr. and start druggin’ up on something that will help ya. God forbid you should go AGAIN without the “Big Bang” experience.

Until Later…