Famous Rejection Letters

Sometimes in life, even the most popular writers receive a rejection letter now and again; this rejection letter comes to the famous author of Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James.

Dear Ms. James:

We have reviewed your book and, well, we have some concerns regarding your story line. We believe that in the opening, Anastasia should NEVER have done that first interview with Christian Grey. We find it highly unlikely that Ana would have EVER gotten IN to see HIM personally, as most billionaires would have their press secretaries, or personnel department manager conduct them. We ALSO felt that Ana’s best friend Kate was being kind of an ASSHOLE by sending her, instead of herself in the FIRST place, who DOES something like that?

As your story continues, Christian, who is an UNROMANTIC bastard, asks Ana out on a date and gets to know her a little better. Ana is love struck, and can’t BELIEVE that a wealthy self-made billionaire would have anything to do with her, a plain looking girl from Vancouver Washington. Honestly, WE couldn’t either. We think that you should have Kate as the lead character, and Ana play her wheel-woman.

While Ana WANTS a romantic relationship with Christian, he freely admits HE only wants HER for sex. He takes her to his ‘red room of pleasure’; a room filled with BDSM toys, and shows her HOW he wants her to experience HIS sexual appetite.

OK, Ms. James, SERIOUSLY??? The first thing MOST women would do is run the HELL out of there faster than a hare in a jackrabbit race. But Noooooooo, Ana actually considers it. We feel this is WAY beyond the scope of what ‘NORMAL’ people would do, and feel that you should change the BDSM section to let’s say a LIGHTER state of affair. Instead of whips, chains, and riding crops, you could display Dildos, Ass beads, and an assortment of pretty Vibrators.

These items, women can RELATE to much easier as opposed to being tied up, spanked, and then tickled with a feather before being sexually pummeled. At the very LEAST, Christian could give her some Ice-Cream afterwards, Geez…

I’m afraid your book would NEVER sell, we are sorry, but at this time must decline your offer. If you wish to re-work the storyline as we have suggested, please re-submit it for further review. Thank you.

The Christian Monitor

 

Airport “Patdown”

 

I do a lot of traveling, it’s part of the job. Occasionally, even though I don’t USUALLY look like a terriorist, I will get asked to step aside and undergo a thorough pat down security check.

Now I don’t mind because I would rather have them be a little too aggressive than not, BUT, sometimes they are just a little TOO thorough.
For those of you have never gone through one, it usually goes like this. They ask you to step aside for the pat down and then will call for a female or male “patter” depending on your gender. Since I have boobs, they call the female patter over to examine me.

Usually these women are all business. I mean they look like they have played as line blockers for the Arizona Cardinals. They are big, mean looking, and appear as though if you give them ANY lip they will knock you into next Thursday. They even have name tags like…Mean Bertha Green, or, Killer Caroline. NO WAY am I ever messing with them.

They list the 10 commandments of what they are gonna feel, grope, and pat, and then they begin. Now remember…EVERYONE in line is getting  a free show here. First they make you raise your hands so they can feel pat down your boobs. Something about this process is embarrassing YET, for ME, a little exciting. Sometimes I actually yearn for a little extra pat down there JUST to be sure I am not harboring any weapons of mass destruction around my boobs.
Next…On to my ass. Did I mention that they wear rubber gloves like a Dr. who gives you a Gynecological exam? This part is a little uncomfortable because, well…It involves my ass. Don’t get me wrong. I like having MY ass fondled as much as the next gal but they could at least get me drunk first. Around the ass they go searching for knives, bombs, sledge hammers or even Uzzis’. Now just as an aside TSA…I would NEVER carry my Uzzi up my ass…The damn GRIP part keeps hanging out and they’d catch me in a red hot second. OK…No weapons there folks…Let’s check her Couchie Coo…

This usually involves spreading your legs so they can “CAREFULLY” examine your reproductive parts for contraband. You know, like fruits, vegetables, or perhaps pet monkeys that have been snuck back up your crotch from Hong Kong that you didn’t declare. Damn!!! They FOUND the pet monkey, just can’t trust those things to keep still…Finally…After they have completely examined me and given me a clean bill of health, I am on my way.

All I’m saying here is that I understand WHY they do it, I just wish it was done a little quicker and with a little more finesse. Oh sure, I could have had a private screening in a separate room, away from the other airport passengers, BUT, THEN I would be in a room with 50 camera’s all around while the entire dept. Of TSA is looking at my crotch.

I’m all for a good time folks, all I’m askin’ for is a little common sense. Thanks for listening…Muah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until Later…

Etiquette Lessons about Female Body Parts

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I have come here today to talk about Boobs, Breasts, Knockers, Melons, oh and don’t forget MY favorite…TITS. I do this because I was in a grocery store last week and while I was searching for a melon, (No pun intended), well OK, maybe it was a little intended, a man was just STARING at my boobs.

Being the funny person that I AM, I went up to him, cupped my breasts and asked if he would like me to BAG them for him. He turned beat red, apologized, and said that he meant no harm I just had INCREDIBLE looking Boobs. Obviously the man has GREAT taste.

Truthfully, a lot of women would get all indignant here and say what a pig he was, but I just took it as a compliment. Hell, I can’t help what Nature provided for me. I think it’s a turn on when someone notices my attributes. I’m just setting the record straight here guys, if you wanna look, then look, but please, just do it a little more subtly.

I mean I will undoubtedly stare at your Penis or your ASS too, but USUALLY, I don’t point my finger at them either and go DAMN that guy has a fine piece of MAN ASS, or, look at the HONKER on that guy.

Subtlety is the KEY here guys. Catch a glimpse as I go by then do what you’re SUPPOSED to do, look down quickly BEFORE I make eye contact with you and then say under your breath, “EYE CARRUMBA”, “she has great looking TITS or an AMAZING looking ASS.”

OK, this was lesson number one. Lesson number two will be to teach you HOW to give us your “BEST” pick-up lines. Trust me here guys, these lines NEVER fail. Stay tuned.

Until Later…

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

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I am so distraught, my boyfriend and I were making love last night and, well, his “Flagpole” wouldn’t “Stand at Attention”.  I LOVE sex and am very concerned. What shall I do?

Hot to Trot

Dear Hot to Trot:

First off, if you used these expressions with your boyfriend, then STOP!!! Men have a STRONG aversion to MILITARY terms like FLAGPOLE and STAND at ATTENTION. It reminds them they MIGHT be drafted and shipped out. His “Limp Dick” condition could just be aggravated by talking about such things. I suggest you tone these down by using these terms instead.

1. Useless Snake
2. Flaccid Fellow
3. Worthless Piece of Meat

Now, that being said, USUALLY this “Silly Putty” condition is Psychological. UNLESS your boyfriend is on enough pain meds, or blood pressure medication to bring down an ELEPHANT IN HEAT, you need to do what I’m going to suggest.

Sit your boyfriend down, take off his pants, and become eye level with his Dingleberry. Talk directly AT his member while softly stroking his Balls. Tell MR. Flaccid Stick that you love him and that he shouldn’t worry about this happening. Tell him that this DOES happen to most men at one time or another.

As you talk, Start to stroke MR. Happy and keep saying that it’s OK, and that Mamma is going to give him a little one on one attention. Blow on his Balls now and keep stroking Mr. Happy. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with the results. Mr. Happy should now REGAIN his firmness as you sweet talk him like a SNAKE CHARMER watches his snake become like a hardned rope. If this DOESN’T work, Dump his WORTHLESS ASS like a HOT potato and find someone ELSE who can Satisfy you.

Dear Sooz:

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My girlfriend and I really love each other but we have different feelings about sex. She, wants to have sex until the COWS come home 24/7. I, on the other hand, am LESS sexually excited unless I’m DRUNK or am wined and dined first. How can we get on the same page here?

Drunk in Denver:

Dear Drunk:

I can TOTALLY understand your concerns. Making Love schedules are DIFFERENT for everyone. I suggest one of TWO things:

1. Make sure the COWS are already HOME and in the Barn when you are not sexually aroused.

2. Pig out and stay DRUNK most of the time.

Both of these suggestions should work for you. Pick one and you will recharge your once different scheduled Love Making routine.

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I went to a wedding recently, got very DRUNK and showed off my breasts. I was told the next day that I also danced half naked on one of the reception tables and proceeded to fall into the Wedding Cake.                                

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         Parrrrty…Parrrrty!!!
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                                                           Cake Anyone
                                              
My question is: What should I do now? The wedding and reception are now over and I’m hoping everyone just forgets about this. What do YOU think I should do?

Stupor Trooper

Dear Stupor:

First of all, what size breasts do you have? If you are a 32A or smaller, no one probably even NOTICED you. Oh sure you may have had a few people pissed because they didn’t really LIKE the cake after your ASS was mixed in with the frosting, BUT, hey, this stuff happens at ALL weddings.

Now…If you are WELL endowed, you may be in BIG trouble. Never mind the cake baby, what’s your NUMBER.  I’m Just kidding. Here’s the thing, within the next day or so, you should have both Men AND Women beating your door down wanting a date. Choose carefully and enjoy the spoils of the wedding.

Dear Sooz:

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When my boyfriend and I make love, he likes to WEAR my panties. Is this something I should be concerned about?

Panty Patty

Dear Panty:

It all depends, does he also help to LAUNDER your panties? If he does, be grateful and I give you my blessing. If NOT, Then, I would tell him that it’s OK for him to express his feminine side BUT, from now on, he MUST buy his OWN damn panties.

Until Later…

Ten Things Woman Think About

1.   Do I look FAT in these pants? If I DO…Who can I Bitch at to make me feel better about MYSELF???

2.   Why do men always have to HINT at getting in our pants with sexual innuendos? All they really have to do is buy us dinner, take us dancing, be sweet to us, tell us they love us, marry us, and then do what ever we tell them for the rest of their lives.

3.   OMG…Is that a HAIR I see on my chin, am I growing a freakin’ beard? Shall I shave, pluck it, or wax it…Decisions…Decisions..

4.   Do I have the shoes to match this dress ’cause Penny’s is having a sale. Oh wait, so is Target, Sears, Macys, and Nordstrom’s.

5.   If I like him, should I sleep with him on the first date?  Should I wear my sexiest bra and panties, AND shave my legs “Just In Case”…???    

6.   I KNOW my shoe size is a seven, BUT, I REALLY think I can squeeze it into these pretty six and a halfs…

7.   If I get drunk will he take advantage of me, I HOPE so? OK… ALL women may NOT think this but I do…

8.   Do my boobs make my ass look big?

9.   Just because I made a left hand turn from the right hand lane DOSEN’T give him the right to say I’m a BAD driver.

10.  I WONDER if I could ACTUALLY bounce quarters off his ass…Hmmmm…          

Ass Man/Boob Man–Ass Woman/Six Pack

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Ass Man/Boob Man–Ass Woman/Six Pack

OK…We haven’t had any real disgustingly course and plain outright arousing posts so I thought I would write one. For years (I’ll admit it), I have been an Ass Woman. Now, that doesn’t mean that I certainly don’t enjoy a good six pack either ( I’m talking about hard bods, NOT beer), Gheese.

I must admit I am a sucker for a nice small tight ass. If you own a nice tight ass I COULD be yours for the night. Sooooooo, I am taking a little survey here…How many our you guys have tight little buns…Noooo, that wasn’t it Sue, back on point here, how many of you guys are boob men and how many are ass men.

Ladies…I would love to hear from YOU too…Six Packs or tight little asses. I ANXIOUSLY await your responses.  Don’t be shy now come on, let’s hear it…Ass/Boobs—Ass/Six Packs… Oh come on now….It’s JUST a fun survey, and MAYBE, I can even get a date. *Smiles*

Until Later…