Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I know this is probably a common problem, but, I’m going to ask it anyway.I am hoping you can give me some insight into my husbands sports addiction, football.

When we were dating, I was the one who filled his attention, now, unless I was a can of beer, or of a bowl of Cheetos, I may as well be non-existant. I realize I sound like I’m whining, but this bothers me.

I have spoken to him about this, but, he says that he really enjoys football and that he will make it up to me later. Guess what, he hasn’t made it up to me. I am lonley Sooz, I need a partner, not a couch potato during football season. Any suggestions?

Forgotten Footbal Waife

Dear Forgotten Football Waife:

Honey, you’re fightin’ a LOSING battle here. I hear this same complaint over and over again, here is what I tell THEM, and now you. GET OVER IT!!! Unless you parade around the TV in your sexiest Teddy, it AIN’T gonna happen. Even THEN, you’ve only got a 30 % chance. Men’s brains are designed to watch Football. It’s encoded in their DNA.

My suggestion would be to pull up your big girl panties, call some friends and go shopping, go out to eat, see a movie, etc. There is absolutely NO reason YOU have to be couped up in that house alone all day.

There are a million and one things to do out there, so DO them. Don’t let HIS obsession with men patting each others asses bother you.  Now, get out and enjoy the day. Have fun.

The Derrière Must NOT be Forgotten

The Derrière Must NOT be Forgotten

The Derrière Must NOT be Forgotten

I have read a lot of blogs on here about Boobs and how pretty they are etc. But, Let’s not forget the breast on the bottom, THE ASS!!!!!   Don’t get me wrong, I Love my boobs and all boobs BUT… I feel that we are giving the Asses the Heave Ho here…Soooooo….This blog will be dedicated to all the nice looking asses out there.

I must admit, I am a sucker for a nice looking ass, either on a man OR a woman. I see someone walking by and I *inconspicuously* lower my sunglasses and get a nice long look. Hey…don’t judge me…I bet YOU do the same thing don’t you?

Let’s be honest, there is just nothing like a nice looking ass. One where you can just bounce a quarter or ME off of….WHAT?????? Did I just say that…Oops…My Bad!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Be-have Sooz (Austin Power’s voice)…

Let me just paint a picture here. You see a nice guy/girl who has the sweetest, tightest little ass, you picture yourself mentally undressing them to see that beautiful Gluteus Maximus in all of it’s splendor. Then, you GRAB that sweetheart ass and just SQUEEZE the livin’ De-Jesus out of it…Makes me tingle all over…OK…Down Sooz…Keep it together girl…

My point is that Asses are Also a work of art. Think about it, they are really just breasts in a different area of your body right? Muscle…check,…Cleavage…check…, Handle ability…check, see…Their just Breasts, BUTT, (No pun intended…Right!!!), they are grabable, and you can SQUEEZE the everlasting HELL outta them. Shoot, you can even SPANK then to add additional pleasure.

All that I am saying here is that they should also get their just rewards. After all……Asses are Aces.

Until Later…

National Boob Day

Today is National Boob day…Just kidding, I don’t know whether it is or NOT, I just wanted to talk about Boobs. Who doesn’t like Boobs? Come on now…Fess up, I KNOW you do…

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Let’s be frank, I have ’em, I want ’em and I LOVE ’em. If you’re like me, (Most folks aren’t), you probably think about them at LEAST 6-8 times per day. Why??? Because they are soft with nipples THAT’S why.

To me, it doesn’t matter if you have small boobs, medium boobs, or boobs as Big as the State of Kansas, they are STILL soft with nipples. Kinda get tingly just talkin’ about them.

You may ask…”Sooz, what about man boobs?” To that I say, “Bring’ em on, their soft and have nipples too.” I am just not partial when it comes to Boobs.

You may also ask, “Sooz…Why are you talking about Boobs, was it a slow day at the office?” To that I respond with, “Yes, but I just saw a pair that I wanted to feel and suckle those glorious nipples.” Unfortunately, I saw them from far and I had NOT yet finished my daily paperwork…Alas…

Question: How many people out there love Boobs??? This includes your own. Are you happy with your Boobs or do you want then either up or down sized? Me…I love mine JUST the way they are, two beautiful mountains of solid soft flesh, just waiting for the touch.

Yes…As you may have guessed, I am a little ah… shall we say happy right now, and as such, have an unusually large sex drive going right now; Hense the thought of Mother’s natural milk dispensers.

Don’t get me wrong, I love asses too. I am an impartial judge. How about YOU??? Are you an Ass or a Boob person? I promise this survey won’t go any farther than the entire WORLD…Hehehehe…

Three Cheers For Boobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a Boobilicious day…

Until Later…
 

Let me Pinch Your Ass

OK…I admit it…Sue me, I LOVVVVVVVE asses. If you have an ass, I wanna pinch it. Male, Female, I don’t care, big, or small, I love them all. Oh man…Now I sound like Dr. Seuss, or is that Dr. Sooooooz? Hehehehe…

I’ve had this fetish since I was a kid. When ever I would see an ass, I wanted to pinch, fondle, or blatantly out right squeeze that sucker. So…What IS it about asses you ask, you WERE asking weren’t you, the answer remains a mystery to me.

I think it’s because I used to have a teddy bear when younger, and for some unknown reason, I would always seem to grab and feel it’s ass. As I recall it was sooooooooo soft that I just couldn’t help myself. I just seemed to have NO control.

Yikes, now I can see al the Psych’s out here in Thoughts Land stroking their chins and thinking how much they would love to get me on their couch. To this I would say, “Well…let me feel your ASS and we’ll TALK.

I can see it all now, Lying on their couch while they ask questions like:

 “Did you LOVE your mother and father?”—Of COURSE…

 “Did you ever used to kill or torture small animals as a kid?”–Do FLIES count???

 “Did you masturbate much as a kid?”–As a KID, Teenager, NOW, Yes, Yes and Yes…

Anyway…Just a thought, if you ever meet me in person, and you feel that little tap on your ass while in a meeting, or on the street, pay no attention, it’s just me pretending you were my Teddy Bear…

Until Later…

Humorous Texts

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“I saw you on Facebook and I want to make love with you. What do you say? I am good in bed but BETTER on the kitchen table”

“If I sleep with you do I get a free Car Wash?”

“Your proposal for Marriage was just a ploy for Sex right?”

“If I sleep with you will you PROMISE to CALL me tomorrow?”

“The Rabbit died…No No No I’m talking about Fuzzy, my Rabbit…..”

“If you WANTED a threesome, why didn’t you just say you were inviting your Mother over to dinner?”

“When I said I would SCREW with you, I MEANT on the Habitat for Housing Project.”

“If I never SEE your ASS again it will be TOO soon. Your Penis HOWEVER is an entirely different story.”

“Ok, Ok, I BELIEVE you’re the Queen of Sheba, NOW, can I fondle your Boobs?”

“When I said I was PREGNANT, I WAS…Just not with YOUR child.”

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

 

PC…WHAT???

Today, let’s talk about being Politically Correct, or as it is known today…PC. What ever happened to the “OLD” English language we grew up with and KNEW so well?

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Good in BED is NOW Ahhh!!!

What was WRONG with what we had BEFORE??? I’ll give you a few examples…

What WAS…The Drug Store… Is NOW…”The Pharmacy”
What WAS…The Garbage man…Is NOW…”The Sanitation Worker”
What WAS…The Housewife…Is NOW A “Domestic Engineer”
What WAS a Maid… Is NOW… “The Housekeeper”
What WAS a “JERK” Is now referred to as “An ASSHOLE”(That IS correct now RIGHT???)

What WAS called a Booger Is NOW known as “That piece of disgusting shit that is coming out of your NOSE.”

What WAS called McDonald’s is well…STILL called McDonald’s, I just wanted to see if you were STILL awake.

Anyway, WHY are we SO obsessed with making everything Politically Correct? I mean sometimes an ASS is just an ASS!!! Plus What’s wrong with what we had before? People still knew what the HELL you were talking about when you said “The Garbage man is coming today” so WHAT’S the big deal?
Ohhhhhhhhh….We are Soooooooooooo afraid of hurting someone’s feelings though Sue…Soooo…I say at LEAST you would KNOW what the HELL they are talking about!!! I say, we go back to the way we WERE…Crude…Rude…and Unattractive…Hey…WHO”S WITH ME???

Until Later…

Toilet Paper And Me

I read an article recently in http://ladyornot.com about toilet paper. In this article it described  the personality type of people who either hung their paper OVER or UNDER on the holder.

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                       SERIOUSLY???

The picture above supposedly displays both the “RIGHT” and the “WRONG” way to hang it. I say…”Who the freak cares???” Now…I’m not just saying that because I hang it the “WRONG” way, I’m saying it because well, OK…I AM saying it because I hang it the “WRONG” way but still…COME ON!!!

So, I must admit, when I read the article, I became soooooo upset that I hung it the “WRONG” way that I decided to try the “CORRECT” approach. I gotta tell ya…I just couldn’t DO it. I mean I had to REACH differently; then FOLD it differently, (Another personality type…Crumpled or Folded), and then afterwards, I had to STARE at it thinking can I EVER do this again?

The answer was, “No I Can’t.” I finally just gave up and bought ANOTHER toilet holder to use for MYSELF and other poor  NAKED ASSES  sitting on the john  LIKE me. In MY bathroom,  I now have DUELING Toilet Paper Holders.

The only thing I need NOW, is MORE toilet paper, as I see I used the last roll on MY holder. Did I REACH for the “OTHER” paper on the roll OR, did I just go and refill the paper MY way? If you said MY way…You were correct. What a freaking nightmare!!!

Until Later!!!

© September 7, 2012 D.S.59

What’s Worse, Heads…Or Tails

When you think of unbearable pain accompanied by poking and prodding until you can stand no more, what comes to mind? Well, actually I can think of two very nasty things. One…Someone is in your mouth doing a root canal, or two, someone is sticking either their fingers or tubes up your ass checking on any anal problems.

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For the sake of being different, I’m going with ASS Doctors. Think about it, when the worst jobs were being doled out, after some idiot claimed the Morticians job, what the HELL was left? I’ll tell you what, the absolute worst job you could possibly imagine without being on LSD, the SADISTIC ASS DR. JOB!!!

Now, to make it euphemistically appealing, they call this painful spreading and poking of your ass, Proctology. There, now doesn’t that sound nicer than ASS MAN? I think this comes from the Greek, meaning… The science of being a PERVERT legally while making more money than King Midas.

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WHY DO I LOOK LIKE FOO MAN CHU

OK,  I get it, it’s a job that HAS to be done, but, (No pun intended…OK, I lied, it WAS intended), why on God’s green Earth would anyone hop up and say, “Hmmmm, one day, I’ll grow up and be able to put my fingers in peoples anuses.” It just doesn’t seem normal.

At least with a root canal you can see what he’s doing. With a Proctologist, all you get is a little ointment up “THERE” followed by either “Turn your head and cough” if you’re a guy, or “This may be a “little” uncomfortable if you’re a woman.”

Finally, when the “procedure” is over and you just KNOW you’re never gonna be able to walk ever again without being bowlegged.  ALL this and he STILL gets paid more than the mortgage payment on your house. WTF???    

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All I’m sayin’ is with the advances in medical science, there HAS to be something better than this. Hell, at this stage of the game, I say “Bring back the leaches for a nice blood letting”. It can’t hurt much more…

Until Later…

Monkeyshines In The Zoo

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Hi…my name is Bongo and I’m an Orangutan here at the zoo. I thought I’d drop by and give you guys the 411 on what it’s like living here on a day to day basis.

Every morning bright and early, we ALL (There are six of us), get up and pee up a storm. Yup, it stinks so bad, even the Vultures here won’t give us a look. “Yeah yeah…same to you Irving, you mother chews on LIVE rats”, (One of the vultures here). “Crazy ass birds.”

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Anyway, after we pee, the zookeeper comes around and gives us all breakfast. Now breakfast usually consists of Lots and Lots of Bananas.

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Now, don’t get me wrong, we eat other things too, fleas off each other, our own poop, even little tidbits people throw in at us like popcorn or peanuts. A real treat for us is once a week we get to suck down a couple of cold ones while watching the cocks fight. They are truly NASTY little buggers those cocks. Hey…WHY are you guys TITTERING at that?

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Usually, the Zoo isn’t open yet so to entertain ourselves, we shout obscenities at and make fun of the lions. Man, they may be king of the Jungle, but those guys are LAZY BASTARDS. All the do is lay around and sleep. Boy, I want THAT job. We try and try to get a rise out of them but usually, the most they will do is just TURN OVER. I mean how the HELL do they ever F–K??? They just LAY there, (Scratches head, arms, back, front, and crotch).

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Wake me in 2 days OK??

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Is anybody WATCHING?

Then we turn our attention towards the Zebras. Pretty animals but DUMB AS Lemmings on a march off a cliff!!! We all try and tease them but they just look at us with a blank glaze in their eyes like drunk Humans and whinny like horses.

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We have two fun parts of the day though, one, when the person who comes in our cage to clean up our poop, we run all around and throw our poop at them. It’s fun to see them duck and hide from us. Hehehehe. Humans, such a funny animal…AND, NOT very smart either. The second part is when the Zoo is open and the crowds come around. We act like well…MONKEYS for them, we jump and throw our poop at them and just put on a show. That really tires us out and we are thankful when it’s closing time.

We eat dinner, and usually without even watching ANY Television, we just go to sleep. So…What did you think? Would you like to come and join us for a day? We’ll be waitin’ for ya…

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Until Later…

If You Smelt It…You Dealt It

I wanna talk about something that is near and dear to my heart, well, more precisely, closer to my booty.  OK, it actually comes out of my booty. NO SILLY, I’m not talking about THAT, I’m talking about breaking wind, passing the gas station, tooting, oh HELL….I’m talking about FARTS!!!!!!!!

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The main known offenders of this heinous act are men. Now, I’m not saying that us gentle female types can’t occasionally knock one out of the park, butt (no pun intended…OK, I did intend it ), this loud noised , and horrifically pungent smelling deed is usually the work of men.

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Now I ask you, why is that? Why is it that men actually have farting CONTESTS to see who can rip one the loudest, or who can create the biggest stench? Not only that, they actually think that this type of behavior is funny…WTF!!!!! Is it me, my gender, or is there something seriously wrong with the male species?

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Men, come on, IT’S NOT FUNNY. It’s disgusting. I was on a bus the other day and a man sitting next to me let one go with a large  “aromatic ” intensity that just about sent the entire bus into wishing they had brought their gas masks. He just looked at me and SMILED, HE SMILED, like it was the funniest thing in the world. I didn’t even get an excuse me, or,  I’m sorry I wiped out three fifths of the bus..

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OK, one more thing, if you do happen to let one go, at least own it. Don’t just sit there squirming in your seat or look suspiciously at someone else hoping that people will think that someone else did it. WE KNOW IT WAS YOU BOZO, we could see it from the guilty look on your ass (assuming I was looking at his ass which I wasn’t )……blushes…..

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Well, at least I got that off my ass, I mean my chest. Next time, I’ll discuss mens pissing contests, one of my favorite subjects. Until next time then.

P.S. No angry letters guys, this was only written in fun..

Until Later…