Astrology for Dummies

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I was going to write something a sweet and lovey in observance of Valentine’s Day coming up, BUT…I decided to write something Schlocky instead. I thought I would talk about Astrology. A lot of folks read their astrology’s every day. As for me, I read it when I can. I mean I personally don’t believe that the STARS can tell us when we need to get LAID and by WHO.

For those of you who MAY not know, my Birthday is on March 15th. 19…Bla Bla Bla…Being born on this date makes me a Pisces. My COMMON name is Fish. So, you may just call me fish if you like, (NOT that I’m COMMON).

The traits of my sign say that I’m:

  • Loveable
  • Sexy
  • Smart
  • Prosperous
  • Good Looking
  • Extremely well organized
  • I can F**K like a rabbit
  • I can leap tall buildings in a single bound
  • I’m faster than a speeding bullet (In Bed)

OK…You caught me…I lied…I am NOT faster than a speeding bullet, But, I do have the numbers of PI memorized up to the 12th. digit. See, told you I was quite the catch, (Get it??? Fish…Quite the catch??? Oh never mind).

My Zodiac element is water, (DUH…A FISH), my Sign ruler is Neptune, (No surprise THERE right), my Detriment is Mercury, (Whatever the HELL that means), my Exaltation is Venus, (WTF???), and my Fall is Mercury.

Just suffice it to say that I have NO F**KING idea what the HELL this means. No…Don’t bother explaining it to me ‘cause I won’t understand it anyway nor would I care. My horoscope for today is as follows:

MY Horoscope for Wednesday, January 30th

This is a time for making long-range plans, seeing the big picture, and thinking about what is really important to you in the long run. The trivial details and business of day-to-day living does not dominate your attention now. This is also an excellent time for business functions, negotiations, and communication.

 

Love:

 

 

60%

Emotions:

 

 

95%

Intuition:

 

 

54%

Creativity:

 

 

27%

Work:

 

 

23%

Money:

 

 

9%


Power Numbers: 34, 43, 27, 30, 2, 33

 

Now I suppose if I play these numbers I will also win the Lottery right? Well OK, let’s see here…My LOVE meter is in HIGH…My Emotions are on RED alert and my Intuition is good…Well, lookie here, it IS right…Maybe I was wrong. Sorry folks but I have to go; I have to play the lottery before the store by me closes. Talk to you all later.

 

Until Later…

 

Astrology for Dummy’s

Astrology of course comes from the Greek word (Ast??st??) meaning “How the FUCK should I Know…I’m not GREEK.” To ME it sounds more like either the study of Asteroids, (ASTR and then OLOGY), OR, The study of the Jetson’s dog ASTRO. Personally, I like THIS one the best.

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                                     RHOM Rorrre

This is an ancient science that believes the stars can interact with our everyday lives. Thank God, because NOW, not ONLY are we NOT RESPONSIBLE when we do bad stuff to others, we can also NOT be held accountable. SWEEEET!!!!! “Hey…It WASN’T MY fault damnit, Mars was being BLOCKED by PLUTO. Oh yes, It WAS a planet back then, and it made me THROW this CREAM pie in his face.

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                   Pie Anyone?

Some of the more common uses of Astrology were predicting the future. This was based on how the stars aligned around our astrological signs. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say that your astrological sign is Pisces, we’ll use that one, because that’s MINE. Now…My sign ruler, or dominate HOUSE, is Neptune. The closer Neptune is to Pisces’s constellation, the more favorable the fortune. If the house is close, I could be in a good mood, or getting money, or possible even getting LAYED.

If however Neptune was distant from my constellation, WATCH OUT, I could be a ROYAL BITCH with a penchant for doing all KINDS of evil things. I remember once…Oh NEVER mind, the FBI and I straightened that little MISUNDERSTANG out a while back.

MY favorite fortune though is the LUVVVV part, OH YEAH!!!! The planets play a VERY important part in determining just WHO we should HOOK up WITH or who we SHOULDN’T become involved.

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My Love connections are Capricorn and Taurus. Oh Yeah baby…You get me next to them and I am SMOKIN’!!! Virgos, on the other hand, like oil and water. If a Virgo gets near me, usually it’s EYE scratching time baby.

Now ALL of our daily lives thankfully are Cosmically planned out. It really doesn’t matter what we feel or THINK, because it just ALL depends on the stars alignments. Personally…I like it BETTER that way, don’t have to waste MY precious time on THINKING.

Well, I have to run now, My SEXUAL urges are PEAKING!!! My friend John, (A Taurus), is coming over tonight and Venus is aligned with Mars. That’s great because we can make love ALL night long and I DON’T have to worry about getting PREGNANT!. Talk to you all later…

Until Later…