Just Ask Sooz—Baby/Toddler Edition


Dear Sooz:

I am barely 2 months old so my 8 year old sister is writing this for me. So, here’s the thing. My Mother keeps waking my tired ass up every two hours to feed me. Don’t get me wrong, I like sucking on her nice warm nipples and being fed, the only thing is, I am EXHAUSTED. I mean I have bags so bad under my eyes you could CARRY them.

Look…All I’m askin’ for is a little consideration once in a while. Let ME be the judge of when I want to eat. Hey…I have a pretty big mouth and can certainly let her KNOW when I’M ready. What can I do???

Sleepless in Seattle (I couldn’t resist)


Dear Sleepless:

It sounds like your mommy has forgotten what it’s like to be a “seasoned” mom. It sounds to me like she is being OVER protective of you and just wants to make sure you’re getting enough to eat. Either THAT or she isn’t “gettin’ any ACTION” herself and is using YOU as a go between to satisfy her OWN needs.

Try this…The next time she wakes you up, simply REFUSE to suck on her. Do whatever you can to let her KNOW that you are having NO MORE of this intolerable behavior. For example…POOP your pants, SLEEP on her, or even SCREAM bloody murder, BUT, for NO reason do you suck on those nipples.

I believe after a while she will become sooooo tired and disoriented that she will give into your demands and just let you feed at YOUR OWN discretion…Good Luck.



Just Ask Sooz—Baby/Toddler Edition


Dear Sooz:

I am having a friend write this as I can’t write yet. I am a 3 year old boy and am having anxiety problems, (My friend looked UP the word OK???) Here’s the problem, my little sister is one years old and is STILL getting fed from mommy’s breasts.

I don’t want to sound jealous, but I AM…Why does SHE still get to suck HER dinner from mommy’s soft breasts when I have to drink out of a GD SIPPY CUP?

I miss her breasts and I still wanna suck on them myself. I mean is there a CUTOFF age, two, two and a half, on your THIRD birthday? There SEEMS to be plenty of milk in them to go around for everybody, so why is she being so selfish? Can you help me here???

Un-breast fed Brat


Dear Un-breast fed:

Yes, while it is true that mommy MAY have enough milk for you both; YOU are perfectly capable of drinking milk in other ways. Your little sister is incapable of drinking any other way except maybe from a bottle. Your mommy is trying to show you that you are a BIG boy now and that you can do things for yourself.

Please be understanding here and don’t be such a GD BABY about the whole thing. I KNOW what you’re thinking, Mommy has TWO breasts, why can’t she cough up one for you. Sorry Charlie, your time has come and gone. SUCK it up (Out of your sippy cup), and give your FU**ING mother a break for God’s sake. Have a good day. Namaste…


Just Ask Sooz—Baby/Toddler Edition


Dear Sooz:

I have a problem I need solved. I am 3 and my baby brother is 2. I love my brother, (Let’s call him Ryan ‘cause well, THAT’S his name), BUT, the kid just doesn’t know HOW to share.

Every time I go for my Lego’s, HE wants to play with them. The same is true for my cars, trucks as well as my Action figures. The kid is worse than a damn PUPPY.

Just ONCE I’d like to be able to get something out of the toy box WITHOUT him going after it also. Do you have any suggestions?

Tiny Tot in Toyland


Dear Tiny Tot:

This is a VERY common problem among siblings. I actually hear this complaint at LEAST once a week. I will tell YOU what I tell the rest of them. Be PATIENT, you brother just wants to be able to play WITH you. He admires you and looks up to his big brother.

He is just trying to be LIKE you. Let him play with you and your toys. ONE day when he is older, you can teach the little BASTARD a lesson by stealing EVERY girl he ever cares about. THAT’S what big brothers are for.

Oh…If he is STILL annoying after a period of time and becomes relentless, Lite into him and beat the livin’ Dejesus outta him. He will stop taking your toys THEN…GUARANTEED… Good luck…

Just Ask Sooz——Baby Edition—–


Dear Sooz:

I am writing you today, (Well OK, my MOTHER is doing the writing but I am telling her what to write), because I want to get your opinion on potty training.

My mom seems to think that I should be ready to start potty training, BUT, I don’t WANT to yet. I am certainly OK with just letting it ALL hang out in my diaper and then having someone ELSE change me.

Call me lazy I don’t care… Hey, I am only 14 months old and I say I am just too young. My mom keeps putting me on that cold ass God Forsaken potty thingy to pee or poop when all I wanna do is just load it up in my pants.

I mean COME ON here, all MY friends under 2 are still using the express diaper method, why can’t I??? What are YOUR thoughts on this?

Dapper Diaper Danny   (Say THAT 10 times fast)


Dear Dapper Diaper:

Tell your mom for me to just BACK TO F**K UP!!! A boy learns slower than girls so you are PERFECTLY right for dumping in your diapers. I don’t BLAME you for wanting someone ELSE to clean your ASS. I mean why should you get YOUR hands all dirty? That’s what moms and dads are there for Pete’s sake.

Hell, even now if I could poop myself or just take a leak in my panties and have someone ELSE to the dirty work I would. I’m with you 100% on this Danny, thanks for writing.


Dear Sooz:

 My name is Johnny and I am 2 ½ years old. I seem to have fallen hard for this older woman. She is 3 1/2 and I am just enamored with her. We play all the time together and she even SHARES her toys with me. I have never before met anyone like her. I really want to KISS her and tell her how I feel but I am shy and don’t know exactly how to go about such things. Can you help me?

Shy in Charlotte


Dear Shy:

Girls like to have confident men. We love it when you put your arms around us and tell us that we are the best thing since the rattle or our Ba Ba’s. I suggest you just go over to her, put your little lovin’ arms around her and give her a sweet kiss on the cheek.

Believe me my friend, after the kiss, this Babe is YOURS…Good luck and thanks for writing me.