Have You Ever Been a Monkey

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You’re gonna think I’m crazy but the other night I SWORE I was a monkey. That’s right folks, a Flea pickin’, poop throwin’, monkey. Now you’re probably thinking, “Well Sooz, for YOU, that doesn’t sound that crazy.” I’m serious here people, a freakin’ armpit scratchin’ monkey.

Okay, I dreamt it but STILL, from a Human Being reverting to an earlier ancestor…COME ON..!!…Why do you think I would dream something like that? I mean in this dream, I could do everything I can now, talk, scratch my ass, and even insult people. The only problem was, I was a true to life, card carrying MONKEY for Pete’s sake.

I have NEVER dreamt anything LIKE this before…HONEST…What’s WRONG with me??? Do I need to see a Psychiatrist, (Oh wait, I already do), OR, do I need to talk to my local Zoo keeper for HER thoughts on this subject?

I’ll tell you about my dream, maybe YOU can interpret. I was at a local bar I frequent when a guy started hitting on me. I really didn’t think too much of it at the time cause I was hammered and it happens to me all the time.

ANYWAY, I started tearing this guy down cause he was drunker than I was and he was becoming obnoxious. I excused myself, went to the bathroom to fix my make up, and as I was looking in the mirror, I saw myself…A Freakin’ Monkey…

I was horrified. I thought how can this be happening to ME??? I mean after ALL, I had never BEEN a monkey before. I decided to go back out and ask this guy if he even NOTICED I was a G.D. (Gosh Darn) monkey. He admitted that he THOUGHT I was either a Monkey or a REALLY ugly Wildebeest.

I took this as a compliment in my state, TOLD him I was a talking monkey and asked if he wanted to go back to my place for some REAL life Monkey sex. Hey…I was drunk OKAY???

He naturally said sure and off we went. We had CRAZY MONKEY Sex and afterward, he asked for my number. I gave it to him as the local ZOO number. Naturally, Like EVERY girl, I waited but he NEVER called. I woke up afterwards and then I figured OUT why he never called, after all, HE was a HYENA…Go Figure…

Until Later…

 

 

Threesomes

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I’ve come here today to discuss threesomes. Yup, that’s what I said, threesomes. This is something that pretty much ALL guys and also many women would like to try. I hear some of the ladies out there saying: “I never wanted to have a threesome.” To that I would say, “Come on, you never even thought about being wrapped up in a man or woman sandwich?”

To many folks they are un-natural or even disgustingly dirty. To that I say WHY? If you enjoy the physicality of sexual response, wouldn’t you think that three is more fun than two? I have had several threesomes with different genders and I can tell you that it’s a GREAT sleeping pill.

Some of you may WANT one but are too afraid to ask, DON’T be. There are many men and women out there who are just WAITING to be asked. SERIOUSLY!!! I just want you to know, I’m not trying to be flip about this, if it goes against your religion or personal code of ethics then by all means don’t consider having one.

All I’m saying here is that there are a lot of folks out there who would LOVE to try it but just don’t know the way to get started. Well, of course there is always the professional man or woman. For a price you can get just about anything you want.

If however you DON’T want to pay for it, here is what you do. I usually go to a bar or a nightclub where there are many people looking to have a good time. Pick a couple that have been there a little while and have been drinking, then,  go up to them and introduce yourself. Strike up a conversation and then when you feel comfortable, ask them if they would like to go back to your place for a little fun.

It’s NOT as difficult as you think, really. There are MANY people out there looking for the same thing as you are but are afraid to ask. The old saying, “You don’t get what you don’t ask for” is absolutely true. Once you get over your initial shyness, TRY IT…You’ll like it. Oh sure you will get shut down here and there, but I have found that after time, you get to know who will go for it and who won’t. Give it a try…You’ll LIKE it… I wish you luck but most of all…I wish you SUCCESS…

Until Later…

 

Bad Pick Up Lines and Lines That Really Work

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We’ve all been there, you’re at a bar or nightclub with your girlfriends and all of a sudden this guy comes up and starts hitting on you.

Now I’m not a hard woman to pick up, BUT, I just DESPISE Cheesy, or just plain STUPID pick up lines. Here are a few that I’ve found and SOME of these I have actually heard before that actually made my skin crawl.


As a piece of advice, I wouldn’t care if you look like Johnny Depp or Jennifer Aniston, if you USE these lines on me, you’re HISTORY.

1.  Excuse me, did your skirt come from space, because your ass is from another planet?

2.  Someone told me you don’t know how to kiss; do you wanna practice on ME?

3.  Be unique and different, say YES.

4.  Come home and make love with me tonight or I will tell everybody we did it anyway.

5.  I’m not REALLY this all; I’m sitting on my wallet.

6.  Damn, you have more curves than a Formula 1 racing car.

7.  Nice skirt, can I HAVE it?

8.  Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and me together.

9.  Are your legs tired, because you been running through my mind all day?

   10. Are you LOST, ‘cause it’s so strange to see an ANGEL so far from Heaven?

 

I don’t know if any of you guys out there have used any of these, but I’m pretty sure you Ladies have certainly heard one or more of these crazy lines. Here’s a clue guys, we like the polite, confident, truthful approach. Here’s an example that will win you points with ME every time.

“Excuse me, I have been watching you from across the bar and I would very much like to get to know you better. Will you give me a chance?” Try it guys, it WORKS. We LIKE guys who show a true interest in getting to KNOW us FIRST before undoing our skirt zippers.

Just be yourself. I would say that unless you are drunk, or dress like a Hobo, we will certainly give you a chance. Next lesson: How to Woo a Woman.

Until Later…

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 Internet Dating…WTF???

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Recently I decided to try internet dating (Ohhhhh Boy). The thing is, I work a lot and don’t usually have the time for OLD FASHIONED DATING; you know, going to a seedy bar, getting rambling drunk and then waking up in someone Else’s bed and pregnant. OK, in all fairness, it doesn’t have to be a seedy bar.

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Anyway, I answered all the questions asked to match you with Prince Charming then waited for a response. Within a day I had 42 inquires from my profile. I thought DAMN, this internet thing is great, why didn’t I do this before?

Then, I found out WHY. People LIE!!! Ya really, I’m not kidding. When I did MY profile, I answered everything honestly, I provided an actual picture of myself, and expected my perspective Prince to do the same. Boy, I had no idea what I was getting into.

Over a couple of months I must have agreed to go out with 3 or 4 Princes. Well, let me tell you, almost every Adonis looking picture on line turned out to be either Short, Bald, or down right Ugly. Now, I’m not a woman who goes just for physical attraction, BUT, DAMN, at LEAST have a personality.

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One guy bored me to tears, literally, he talked about the benefits of internal design capabilities for 2 hours…..WHAT?????? I mean I love talking about internal design capabilities as well as the next girl but COME ON……Just SHOOT me now. Finally, I explained that I was coming down with a slight case of Bubonic Plague and needed to go.

Another Prince took me to a fast food type restaurant for dinner and then to some GUY flick with car chases, killing, and lots of sex. I actually didn’t mind the sex parts. 🙂 After that he started talking to me a lot about well….you know, sleeping with me. He asked me if I used protection and I told him YOU BETCHA, I carry a 44 Magnum in my purse and if he even TRIED to touch me, I’d blow MR. WEE WEE into a million LITTLE wee wees. That date wasn’t going anywhere either. When he took me home and tried to give me a goodnight kiss, I pushed him away saying that there was a lot of garlic on those cheese fries and I just didn’t feel right about kissing garlic breath….Geeeeeez.

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My last date took me to a bar and he ordered drinks. He said he didn’t drink and drive so I shouldn’t worry. He ordered 5 or 6 rounds more. I was feelin’ REAL good and he was really drunk too. I got bold (from my liquid courage) and I asked him, “I thought you said you don’t drink and drive”, he replied by saying ” I don’t, I only drink IN the bar”, so technically he doesn’t drink WHILE driving. I was scared to death so I told him so and staggered off to a cab to take me home.

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Now….Is it ME or is Internet dating for the birds? I think I’m just going back to The Old Fashioned Method. Talk to you all later…..

Until next time.