My Halloween Thoughts

Halloween is almost here and people all over have decided to decorate their homes. The bright orange punpkins carved into all scary forms from witches, scary cats, goblins, and of course the standard pumpkin head.

The black and orange lights around the house, and even a graveyard displayed in the front yard, bring a kind of ereie feel to the season. People ask me, “Are you going out partying on Haloween”? The answer is no.

While I enjoy giving out candy to the trick and treaters, and watching the little ones eyes light up as they display heir costumes, I never have been a big Halloween fan. Something about unholy spirits and pagan rituals of the time, seemed to have dampened my enthusiasm.

Now, I will say this, when I answer the door, I will be dressed up as Elvira. For those of you who may not know who she is, look it up. OR, better yet, see above picture. If you’re wondering if my boobs will be showing, let’s just say that ya can’t make an omlet if ya don’t crack the egg. That means YES for those of you, (like me), who didn’t understand what the Hell I just said.

I do it for myself, to feel sexy, and hey, who knows, maybe my next door neighbor will drop by for some unexpected “treats”. Wink!!!!

Until Later…

Internet Dating For Dummies

   

 
Being a single woman in my early 40’s ( I better not hear snorting and snickering here), I can honestly say that the dating game has vastly changed. The “OLD DAYS” of meeting someone at the Laundromat and or the grocery story store are gone and has been replaced by electronic dating.

I really miss those days of yore when you could just wear a low cut top and some short shorts and pick up a guy at the market. OK…I agree that can STILL happen, but, the likelihood of those days has gone Waaaaaaaaaay down.

First of all, people are way too busy to be looking at my boobs while folding unmentionables or when squeezing melons(OH come onI’m talking about HONEYDUE melons here people)Now we have the internet with companies like E Harmony, Match.Com and of course let’s not forget MY favoriteFind a Fuck.Com ( That was a joke in case you didn’t pick up on that one…

Now, you can pick out a guy from thousands of guys/girls who have the same likes, dislikes, and sexual Oddities and kinky junk as YOU have. Usually, what you’re sent is a 10 year old picture of Don Juan with a full head of hair showing, and muscles to make Superman envious.

Unfortunately, what you GET is a balding guy with a big gut, and the stamina of Mini Mouse. I have tried internet dating and have decided that I would be MUCH better off just going to E-Bay and getting a nice looking Dildo complete with a set of Porn tapes.

I’m SURE there is someone out there for me, it’s just a matter of kissing enough frogs. WellI’ve got to go now, I’m going to put on a nice low cut Boob blouse and my tightest pair of short shortsYup, you guessed it, I’m going grocery shopping. Talk to you all later…

Until Later…

The Derrière Must NOT be Forgotten

The Derrière Must NOT be Forgotten

The Derrière Must NOT be Forgotten

I have read a lot of blogs on here about Boobs and how pretty they are etc. But, Let’s not forget the breast on the bottom, THE ASS!!!!!   Don’t get me wrong, I Love my boobs and all boobs BUT… I feel that we are giving the Asses the Heave Ho here…Soooooo….This blog will be dedicated to all the nice looking asses out there.

I must admit, I am a sucker for a nice looking ass, either on a man OR a woman. I see someone walking by and I *inconspicuously* lower my sunglasses and get a nice long look. Hey…don’t judge me…I bet YOU do the same thing don’t you?

Let’s be honest, there is just nothing like a nice looking ass. One where you can just bounce a quarter or ME off of….WHAT?????? Did I just say that…Oops…My Bad!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Be-have Sooz (Austin Power’s voice)…

Let me just paint a picture here. You see a nice guy/girl who has the sweetest, tightest little ass, you picture yourself mentally undressing them to see that beautiful Gluteus Maximus in all of it’s splendor. Then, you GRAB that sweetheart ass and just SQUEEZE the livin’ De-Jesus out of it…Makes me tingle all over…OK…Down Sooz…Keep it together girl…

My point is that Asses are Also a work of art. Think about it, they are really just breasts in a different area of your body right? Muscle…check,…Cleavage…check…, Handle ability…check, see…Their just Breasts, BUTT, (No pun intended…Right!!!), they are grabable, and you can SQUEEZE the everlasting HELL outta them. Shoot, you can even SPANK then to add additional pleasure.

All that I am saying here is that they should also get their just rewards. After all……Asses are Aces.

Until Later…

National Boob Day

Today is National Boob day…Just kidding, I don’t know whether it is or NOT, I just wanted to talk about Boobs. Who doesn’t like Boobs? Come on now…Fess up, I KNOW you do…

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Let’s be frank, I have ’em, I want ’em and I LOVE ’em. If you’re like me, (Most folks aren’t), you probably think about them at LEAST 6-8 times per day. Why??? Because they are soft with nipples THAT’S why.

To me, it doesn’t matter if you have small boobs, medium boobs, or boobs as Big as the State of Kansas, they are STILL soft with nipples. Kinda get tingly just talkin’ about them.

You may ask…”Sooz, what about man boobs?” To that I say, “Bring’ em on, their soft and have nipples too.” I am just not partial when it comes to Boobs.

You may also ask, “Sooz…Why are you talking about Boobs, was it a slow day at the office?” To that I respond with, “Yes, but I just saw a pair that I wanted to feel and suckle those glorious nipples.” Unfortunately, I saw them from far and I had NOT yet finished my daily paperwork…Alas…

Question: How many people out there love Boobs??? This includes your own. Are you happy with your Boobs or do you want then either up or down sized? Me…I love mine JUST the way they are, two beautiful mountains of solid soft flesh, just waiting for the touch.

Yes…As you may have guessed, I am a little ah… shall we say happy right now, and as such, have an unusually large sex drive going right now; Hense the thought of Mother’s natural milk dispensers.

Don’t get me wrong, I love asses too. I am an impartial judge. How about YOU??? Are you an Ass or a Boob person? I promise this survey won’t go any farther than the entire WORLD…Hehehehe…

Three Cheers For Boobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a Boobilicious day…

Until Later…
 

Airport “Patdown”

 

I do a lot of traveling, it’s part of the job. Occasionally, even though I don’t USUALLY look like a terriorist, I will get asked to step aside and undergo a thorough pat down security check.

Now I don’t mind because I would rather have them be a little too aggressive than not, BUT, sometimes they are just a little TOO thorough.
For those of you have never gone through one, it usually goes like this. They ask you to step aside for the pat down and then will call for a female or male “patter” depending on your gender. Since I have boobs, they call the female patter over to examine me.

Usually these women are all business. I mean they look like they have played as line blockers for the Arizona Cardinals. They are big, mean looking, and appear as though if you give them ANY lip they will knock you into next Thursday. They even have name tags like…Mean Bertha Green, or, Killer Caroline. NO WAY am I ever messing with them.

They list the 10 commandments of what they are gonna feel, grope, and pat, and then they begin. Now remember…EVERYONE in line is getting  a free show here. First they make you raise your hands so they can feel pat down your boobs. Something about this process is embarrassing YET, for ME, a little exciting. Sometimes I actually yearn for a little extra pat down there JUST to be sure I am not harboring any weapons of mass destruction around my boobs.
Next…On to my ass. Did I mention that they wear rubber gloves like a Dr. who gives you a Gynecological exam? This part is a little uncomfortable because, well…It involves my ass. Don’t get me wrong. I like having MY ass fondled as much as the next gal but they could at least get me drunk first. Around the ass they go searching for knives, bombs, sledge hammers or even Uzzis’. Now just as an aside TSA…I would NEVER carry my Uzzi up my ass…The damn GRIP part keeps hanging out and they’d catch me in a red hot second. OK…No weapons there folks…Let’s check her Couchie Coo…

This usually involves spreading your legs so they can “CAREFULLY” examine your reproductive parts for contraband. You know, like fruits, vegetables, or perhaps pet monkeys that have been snuck back up your crotch from Hong Kong that you didn’t declare. Damn!!! They FOUND the pet monkey, just can’t trust those things to keep still…Finally…After they have completely examined me and given me a clean bill of health, I am on my way.

All I’m saying here is that I understand WHY they do it, I just wish it was done a little quicker and with a little more finesse. Oh sure, I could have had a private screening in a separate room, away from the other airport passengers, BUT, THEN I would be in a room with 50 camera’s all around while the entire dept. Of TSA is looking at my crotch.

I’m all for a good time folks, all I’m askin’ for is a little common sense. Thanks for listening…Muah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until Later…

Giggle Time–Naked Taxi Ride–

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
 
 
The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
 
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
 
The old man answered, “Let me tell you
someting, lady – I wasn’t staring at you like you
think; that would not be proper.”
The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if
you’re not staring at my boobs or my ass sweetie, what
are you doing then?”
 
He paused a moment, then told her…”Well, Mam,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am thinking
to myself, ‘where in the hell is this lady keeping
thee money to pay for this ride?
Now, that’s a REAL Businessman!
 
 

 

Beads, Beer and Boobs

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For those of you who may NOT know, today is what the Christians call Fat Tuesday. This is the last day of Mardi Gras and the beginning of Lent. Lent of course is what you brush off your clothes when they come out of the dryer. Excuse me for just a moment…Okay…I’ve just been corrected by my Lent Guru. Lent is when the Christians go and give up junk and pretend they are sacrificing.

I am NOT trying to insult the Christian Religions here folks, this is just a little Lent Humor…BACK OFF…In FACT, I myself am Catholic, or at least I think I am, I mean the Pope just resigned right??? Does that mean that all the Catholics in the world are FREED now? I don’t know, I never DID understand all the rules and regulations that follow this faith.

 For example, the whole Friday giving up MEAT thing, NOW it’s supposed to represent a sacrifice, but back in the day, the Hierarchy of the Church did it because they were running scarce on meat and they determined it would be a good way to ration it.  

Okay, enough about religion, I seriously don’t want to offend anyone. Let’s talk about Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras. Years ago (2)…Well, it does SEEM like years ago, I was in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. OMG…What a F**KING party, I did nothing but drink beer, grab as many beads as I could and showed my BOOBS more than Lance Armstrong winning that bike thingy.

Guys, seriously, if you haven’t gotten your daily fill of breast watching, HERE is the place to go. I have NEVER seen so many drunken people in my life, many of them women who would show their boobs freely for a couple of necklaces that the people throw from the floats. And YES, just in case you were wondering, I was one of those drunken very beaded up and boob flashing women.

I have never had such a good time in my life. Party after party in the streets and EVERYBODY was your friend. SURE…They couldn’t pronounce or even REMEMBER your name but they were indeed your friends. Hey…Do you think it was because of being topless??? Just askin’.

Until Later…

 

 

Etiquette Lessons about Female Body Parts

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I have come here today to talk about Boobs, Breasts, Knockers, Melons, oh and don’t forget MY favorite…TITS. I do this because I was in a grocery store last week and while I was searching for a melon, (No pun intended), well OK, maybe it was a little intended, a man was just STARING at my boobs.

Being the funny person that I AM, I went up to him, cupped my breasts and asked if he would like me to BAG them for him. He turned beat red, apologized, and said that he meant no harm I just had INCREDIBLE looking Boobs. Obviously the man has GREAT taste.

Truthfully, a lot of women would get all indignant here and say what a pig he was, but I just took it as a compliment. Hell, I can’t help what Nature provided for me. I think it’s a turn on when someone notices my attributes. I’m just setting the record straight here guys, if you wanna look, then look, but please, just do it a little more subtly.

I mean I will undoubtedly stare at your Penis or your ASS too, but USUALLY, I don’t point my finger at them either and go DAMN that guy has a fine piece of MAN ASS, or, look at the HONKER on that guy.

Subtlety is the KEY here guys. Catch a glimpse as I go by then do what you’re SUPPOSED to do, look down quickly BEFORE I make eye contact with you and then say under your breath, “EYE CARRUMBA”, “she has great looking TITS or an AMAZING looking ASS.”

OK, this was lesson number one. Lesson number two will be to teach you HOW to give us your “BEST” pick-up lines. Trust me here guys, these lines NEVER fail. Stay tuned.

Until Later…

 

Just Ask Sooz

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 Dear Sooz,
 
My partner had a sex dream about another woman and thinks she may have Bi-Tendencies.  How do I take full advantage of this moment? Threesome wanted

 
Dear Threesome:
 
All women have at one time or another have sex dreams about being with women. This does not NECESSARILY mean she is Bisexual. You must FIRST have her invite over one of her girlfriends one night. Serve the drinks like there is NO tomorrow and then wait to see what happens.
 
After everyone is liquored up, tell them there is now going to be a Boob measurement contest. Have them each remove their tops and hand each of them a measuring tape. The idea here is to have each of them measure the OTHERS boobs.
 
If all goes according to Hoyle and your partner is Bi, she will be all over her friends boobs like salt in the Dead Sea. Once the ball gets rolling, it’s YOUR turn to step in and help matters along. Good luck and for YOUR sake, I hope she is indeed Bi. Have fun…
 
 
Dear Sooz:
 
My hair color is light brown but my privates are Strawberry Blond. Is this Normal?
 
Multicolored
 
 
Dear Multicolored:
 
OK…I must admit this is a BIT STRANGE. Have you been this way all your life or did you just notice it recently? If you have been this way all your life I really wouldn’t be too concerned. After all, some people have two different eye colors like cats and they live a normal functioning life.
IF however this has been something recent, I suggest you question your partner. If he or she is a practical joker this could have occurred while you were passed out drunk one night. I know because this has happened to ME several times. I can’t even BEGIN to tell you the rainbow of colors I have had down there.
 
If this really bothers you, just get some hair dye and just dye it back to the color on your head. OR, if you LIKE being a strawberry blond, just Dye your head hair the same color. This should cake care of your problem until your NEXT bender. I hope this has helped.
 
Until Later…