Alas…The Hated Fruit Cake

Here it is almost Christmas and once gain we’re in the season of giving. There are Toys for Tots, and Booze for Sooz, (Just Kidding), and of COURSE that PERFECT gift for Aunt Martha and Uncle Derwood, the beloved Fruit Cake.

OK…raise your hand if you actually LIKE Fruit Cake. THAT’S what I thought; I only see 2 hands out of the 6 Billion people who are reading this…WHAT??? It COULD happen..??!!??

 So…Why is Fruit Cake such a hated culinary entity? I KNOW what you’re going to say…It’s because it tastes like a BRICK with DISEASED STUFF all over it. Was THAT right? Well, THAT’S what it looks and tastes like to me. Come on…Who’s WITH me here???

I mean Fruit Cake is NOT what you think of when you hear the word cake. Cake is something that is deliciously GOOD; it’s light and fluffy, and covered with all kinds of thick rich melt in your mouth frosting. It is NOT something that you could build houses with.

Think about it, WHO in their RIGHT mind puts candied fruit in something they call cake, and has the consistency of a gold brick? Does THAT sound appetizing???

Being a decent cook, I can tell you first hand, Fruit Cake is supposed to be AGED like a fine wine for 10 weeks after it is baked. YUP…You heard me, 10 freakin’ weeks. WHAT???? If something that has to be AGED, it better be able to give me one HELL of a Buzz, or have some FLAVOR to it, otherwise it AIN’T (YES…I KNOW I SAID AIN’T) comin’ across THESE lips.

For those of you who actually LIKE Fruit cake, well, you know the old saying…He/She is nuttier than a… Well…You get the idea. Merry Xmas everyone…

Until Later…


Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I went to a wedding recently, got very DRUNK and showed off my breasts. I was told the next day that I also danced half naked on one of the reception tables and proceeded to fall into the Wedding Cake.                                


                                                           Cake Anyone
My question is: What should I do now? The wedding and reception are now over and I’m hoping everyone just forgets about this. What do YOU think I should do?

Stupor Trooper

Dear Stupor:

First of all, what size breasts do you have? If you are a 32A or smaller, no one probably even NOTICED you. Oh sure you may have had a few people pissed because they didn’t really LIKE the cake after your ASS was mixed in with the frosting, BUT, hey, this stuff happens at ALL weddings.

Now…If you are WELL endowed, you may be in BIG trouble. Never mind the cake baby, what’s your NUMBER.  I’m Just kidding. Here’s the thing, within the next day or so, you should have both Men AND Women beating your door down wanting a date. Choose carefully and enjoy the spoils of the wedding.

Dear Sooz:


When my boyfriend and I make love, he likes to WEAR my panties. Is this something I should be concerned about?

Panty Patty

Dear Panty:

It all depends, does he also help to LAUNDER your panties? If he does, be grateful and I give you my blessing. If NOT, Then, I would tell him that it’s OK for him to express his feminine side BUT, from now on, he MUST buy his OWN damn panties.

Until Later…