Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. Every time my boyfriend and I make love, he HUMS Yankee Doodle. It was OK the FIRST 100 times, but NOW it’s getting VERY annoying. I love my boyfriend and would HATE to hurt his feelings. What can I do?

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Dear Yankee Doodle:

I can certainly understand why that would be annoying. Does he at least hum it ON KEY, and, IS he a good lover? Now…IF he is a good lover and you want to continue making love with him, try what I’m going to recommend. Pick a song that is SO annoying No One on God’s Green Earth could stand it. I can recommend a couple.

 First try ANY Justin Bieber song. IF, (For some unknown reason) he happens to be a fan, I would SERIOUSLY rethink your relationship. No one who TRULY likes Justin Bieber is mature enough to be in ANY kind of a relationship.

If THAT doesn’t work, try humming Row Row Row Your Boat OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER. UNLESS he is a TROGLODYTE (Great word Right), he should get the idea and SHUT THE HELL UP. If NEITHER of these things work, odds are you are better off DUMPING his SORRY ASS. My guess is that he probably doesn’t even have the brainpower of a Flea. Good Luck!

Dear Sooz:

Every night right after my girlfriend and I make love, she IMMEDIATELY falls asleep and starts SNORING. She is VERY loud and it sounds like DYNAMITE going off in my ears. What should I do?

Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless:

As I see it in my infinite wisdom, you have THREE alternatives.

1. Keep her awake ALL night by placing tiny pins in the mattress on HER side of the bed pricking side upwards. This way you should be able to sleep just fine.

2. Tell her lazy, thoughtless little ASS to go to an Ear Nose and Throat Dr. She probable has a severe DEVIATED SEPTUM and needs surgery. Tell her it’s YOUR way or the Highway.

3. Sleep in different TOWNS. This MAY place a slight damper on your relationship but HEY…You’ll be getting all the sleep you need.

Good Luck!!!

Until Later…