Famous Rejection Letters

Sometimes in life, even the most popular writers receive a rejection letter now and again; this rejection letter comes to the famous author of Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James.

Dear Ms. James:

We have reviewed your book and, well, we have some concerns regarding your story line. We believe that in the opening, Anastasia should NEVER have done that first interview with Christian Grey. We find it highly unlikely that Ana would have EVER gotten IN to see HIM personally, as most billionaires would have their press secretaries, or personnel department manager conduct them. We ALSO felt that Ana’s best friend Kate was being kind of an ASSHOLE by sending her, instead of herself in the FIRST place, who DOES something like that?

As your story continues, Christian, who is an UNROMANTIC bastard, asks Ana out on a date and gets to know her a little better. Ana is love struck, and can’t BELIEVE that a wealthy self-made billionaire would have anything to do with her, a plain looking girl from Vancouver Washington. Honestly, WE couldn’t either. We think that you should have Kate as the lead character, and Ana play her wheel-woman.

While Ana WANTS a romantic relationship with Christian, he freely admits HE only wants HER for sex. He takes her to his ‘red room of pleasure’; a room filled with BDSM toys, and shows her HOW he wants her to experience HIS sexual appetite.

OK, Ms. James, SERIOUSLY??? The first thing MOST women would do is run the HELL out of there faster than a hare in a jackrabbit race. But Noooooooo, Ana actually considers it. We feel this is WAY beyond the scope of what ‘NORMAL’ people would do, and feel that you should change the BDSM section to let’s say a LIGHTER state of affair. Instead of whips, chains, and riding crops, you could display Dildos, Ass beads, and an assortment of pretty Vibrators.

These items, women can RELATE to much easier as opposed to being tied up, spanked, and then tickled with a feather before being sexually pummeled. At the very LEAST, Christian could give her some Ice-Cream afterwards, Geez…

I’m afraid your book would NEVER sell, we are sorry, but at this time must decline your offer. If you wish to re-work the storyline as we have suggested, please re-submit it for further review. Thank you.

The Christian Monitor

 

Dildos Dildos Everywhere

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That’s right folks….I just typed the DREADED word Dildo…(SHUDDERS)… Now, am I just writing this piece to get attention, YES!!!!!!!!!! I just think that this word needs to be brought to the surface and not just thought of as a Shhhhhhhh topic that we only talk about when drunk.

Come on ladies…We all use them, (Even though we say we don’t ‘cause we don’t want anyone else knowing it). I mean Mr. Happy can’t be around 24/7… PLUS…This way, we can HAVE it as we WANT it. OK….I see you with your mouth open there folks but SERIOUSLY??? Hey we’re all adults here, at least those of us that “SHOULD” be reading this.

My question is, what kind of dildo is RIGHT for you. I mean after all…They come in ALL SIZES…Large ones; small ones, curved ones ,electric ones, rubber ones, glass ones, Twizzler ones, hell even HUGE ones, and strap on ones…So many choices but only ONE Vagina…Phew…

Personally, I own several different kinds, (Turns around to see if anyone is looking). That way, I can use them according to my mood. Although, I must admit, I do like the curvy ones because they can get WAYYYYYY up into “FUN LAND” and hit a few of those elusive G spots. Nothing better when you “have the need” than to just slip one in and wait for Nirvana…

Oh “COME ON”…Don’t give me the fish eye, you KNOW you DO…Anyway…I say that a well-educated woman in today’s day and age should be able to make her own pleasure. So come on gals, start those dildos and let’s have some fun…

P.S. No hate mail from Religious groups…Most of you use them MORE than I do…Thank you…

Until Later…

 

 

 

eBay Humor

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Every day there are THOUSANDS of crazy things being sold on eBay. Suppose you just broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and were selling off some of the things they bought you. The ads might read something like this.

 Item:  Stuffed pink elephant-Boyfriend got this for me when he discovered I loved to drink. Slightly used, drool marks removed, almost as good as new. He name is Hic-Up and he is a WONDERFUL pet to sleep with. Much better than my cheating A**HOLE ex-boyfriend.

Price:  5.00

Prefer this goes to a drinker that MAY occasionally actually SEE pink elephants.

 

Item:  Used Dildo – 10” complete with balls. Completely steam cleaned and ready for use. Boyfriend used THIS as opposed to his MR. HAPPY.HE only had a 4 incher and needed the HELP…

Price:  Free to a good hole home.

 

Item:  Handcuffs and Rope – Oh come on…You’ve never used handcuffs and a rope? Don’t JUDGE me… You don’t KNOW me… Both these items have wear and tear but are still VERY usable. Rope is a little Frayed…NOT…Hehe…Get it? Frayed Knot… Oh never mind…

Price:  2.00 OR…Best offer…I’m available on Tuesday nights. *BLUSHES*

 

Item:  Men’s Underwear – OK…Yes they were stained with (???), well, YOU know BUT, they have been washed several times and ALMOST all of the stains are gone now. They are size Medium and fit slim to medium built men, OR, Larger women.

Price:  FREE…Just get these G.D. Things outta here…

 

Item:  Two boxes of Depends – Don’t ask…My boyfriend and I BOTH liked water sports. You know like water skiing, swimming, etc…*WINK* I would keep these but it brings back to many unhappy memories. Both boxes have NOT been opened; will give to a nursing home or other person interested in water sports.

Price:  Free or perhaps a DATE for other person interested in water sports.

 

Until Later…

 

A Little Bit About Sooz

ATTENTION: The following contains ADULT content and should only be viewed by those either OVER 18 years of age OR Just plain wanna read ADULT material.

“Hi, my name is Erin Susan (Irish surname), and I’m a NYMPHOMANIAC DRUNK.” I never did like the term alcoholic because THEN people would THINK you attend MEETINGS, which I DON’T!!! I just wanted to tell you a little about myself because, well, people USUALLY LIKE that kinda stuff, PLUS…I’m DRUNK!!! YUUUUUUUUUUP..That’s right, it’s only 8:00 AM and I am ALREADY hammered. I got up at 6:00 this AM, had a hangover so I thought I would just take a hair of the dog and just out drink my headache. Guess what? It WORKED…YEA!!!!!! Only problem is…NOW, I’m drunk again, YIKES!!! Hey…It’s GOTTA be 5 O ‘Clock SOMEWHERE right???

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I’m ALSO a HOT, (SIZZLING), card carrying NYMPHOMANIAC. I AM!!! Ask my Psychotherapist if you don’t believe me. Although, SHE refers to my “condition” as “HYPER SEXUAL TENDENCIES” PAAALLLLLEEEEESSSSSEEEE!!!! I LOVE to FUCK (SHHHHHHHHHHHH), I am ALSO Bi-Sexual so it’s MUCH easier to get a date. I sooooo wanna be”NORMAL” but I think THAT ship has sailed a LONG time ago.

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In truth, I LOVE to drink, AND, I love to have SEX. I could have sex 24/7 and NEVER tire of it. Now, I KNOW what you’re thinking, “Sooz, you are makin’ ALL this up”…NOPE!!! I’m NOT, PINKIE SWEAR!!! Ever since I came into puberty, I have ALWAYS known 2 things. One, I love both Men AND women, and two, I LOVE SEX!!!

Yes, I KNOW it’s not “NORMAL’ but, that’s the way it is. I have tried pills, relaxation techniques, and even TOYED with ELECTRO SHOCK therapy, (Until I sobered up), but ALL to no avail. I FEEL like I NEED sex ALL the time. My Vajay Ja keeps egging me on saying,” SHE looks Cute Sooz, why don’t you DO her”, OR… “Hey Sooz, HE is SEXY…I’ll bet HE could “KNOCK YOUR PANTY HOSE OFF”. The MIND just won’t let me alone. Talk, talk, talk is ALL it ever does. Meanwhile, I just keep getting hotter and hotter until I have a STRING of one night drunken stands, OR I have to PLEASURE MYSELF with Mr. Dildo and COMPANY!!!

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As for the drinking, it all started as a bet with my 13 year old girlfriend. The bet was to open my mother’s liquor cabinet, get some booze, and SEE who could get DRUNK the fastest. I WON!!! I ALSO had my FIRST DRUNKEN love making experience that day AND also my first HANGOVER the next. Yes I’ve tried AA, there are just TOO many freakin’ steps to take. Four or FIVE OK, 12…You’ve gotta be FUCKIN’ KIDDING me! I would get through 3, get bored, and go out and get DRUNK!!!

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Just so you don’t think I am a TOTAL loser, let me just say that I have 2 degrees, a BS in Business, and an MS in Marketing. I currently run my own Advertising and Marketing firm and I do VERY well. The PROBLEM is, I am STILL single. Yes I do very well and the money is good, BUT, I also want to have a steady guy or partner I can commit myself to. OK, Now I KNOW I am TOTALLY wasted because I see here that I am TOTALLY rambling!!! Hehehe.

OMG!!! Is it HOT in here or is it just my Pussy? I can see this is a good time to stop and do a little “SOUL” searching. OK, you caught me, I just wanna get my DILDO out and go to bed. Thanks for listening folks and I will talk with you soon.LOVE YOU ALL…LITERALLY!!!. Hehehehehe.

Until Later…