Is Bigfoot REALLY Dead

I don’t know, I just really liked that headline. It’s like something you would see in the National Enquirer isn’t it? Actually, if the truth be known, I could give two HOOTS about Bigfoot, What I REALLY came here to talk about was Dogs PLAY Toys.

Yup, that’s right, Dogs PLAY toys. Hey, it will be JUST as interesting as Bigfoot, I promise.  NowWhere was IOh yeah, Dog Toys.

Did you ever notice that every dog you encounter has a favorite dog chew toy? Usually, when I’m around, it winds up being my brand new shoes. I have done EXTENSIVE research in this field, (Watching my friend’s dogs), and I have determined that each dog likes a different chew toy.
Seriously!!! Arfie, (My Aunt Carol’s dog), LOVES sneakers. She and I have bought him balls, pull toy ropes, fancy toys that look and MOVE like mice, and EVEN toys that SMELL like foodHe LIKES sneakers. Yup, no sneaker in the house is safe around Arfie. I don’t know whether it is the owners Foot smell or what, but, where there is a sneaker, so is Arfie.

Then, there is my friend Violet’s dog. This thing is a Mexican Chihuahua that THINKS she’s a Great Dane. No foo foo toys for THIS one, Noooooooo Sir!!! Spirit, (Dog’s name), wants to play with the backyard TIRE SWING. I kid you not, she would rather eat glass, and vomit up SAND rather than play with a tennis ball or a pull toy. Go figure?????????

Last but not least, there is Buba, (I KNOW… Creative name, right), he is an English Bull Dog that ONLY likes to chew on my friend Sandie’s DESIGNER shoes. No DOG toys for HIM. If it’s a pair of Jimmy Choo’s, Manolo Blahnik’s, or Susan Bennis’s, you will FIND them in his mouth, chewing away happily, as well, a dog.

I guess there is just NO rhyme or reason what interests a dog to play withHeyMAYBE, he might like to munch on Bigfoot…

Until Later…

How to Tell if Your Dog is Involved in a Sex Scandal

dogs

It seems like in today’s day and age, there is just no getting around the latest SEX scandal. Ways to tell if you DOG is having a SEX scandal.

1.        The Hubris SMILE on his face.

2.        There is more of a spring in his step and his BARK is more confident

3.        You throw the ball and he basically looks at you and says, “ Go get it yourself asshole.”

4.        He SNEAKS around your back yard while YOU think he’s peeing.

5.        Instead of the ball, the ONLY thing he chases now are OTHER female dogs.

6.        His nap times seem be be longer AND he has a hint of cigarette smell.

7.        When he sleeps, he utters the sound Mmmmmmmmm instead of snoring…

8.        He walks around with a CONTINUOUS hard on…

9.        Your neighbor’s dog has been UNUSUALLY quiet lately.

1 0.     Your neighbor’s puppies look A LOT like your dog…

Giggle Time: Late night Phone Call To The Vet:

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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. 

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked on me,” he replied.

If I Was a Dog

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Ever wish you were a dog? I do…Think about it, they get fed twice a day, scratched behind their ears, talked sweetly to, someone ELSE cleans up their POOP, and they basically just lay around lounging all day. OK…let’s be honest, I also lay around lounging all day, BUT, I could REALLY go for the Scratching behind the ears thingy. No one has EVER done that for me.

The next thing would be….What breed of dog would I be? I have NOTHING against little fu-fu dogs, BUT, I think I would wanna be more of a medium size dog like a……..PIT BULL. I KNOW what you’re thinking, “Sue…How could you be a Pit Bull, they’re dangerous.”

To THAT I say POPPY COCK (Always have loved that word), or perhaps BUUULLLL DUUUUUST… Hehe…Fooled you didn’t I? You thought I was gonna say something else.

Pit Bulls are loving animals as long as they are brought up in a loving family. I would CERTAINLY make sure I was adopted by a loving family; otherwise, I would have to RIP them to shreds er, I mean find another family.

I would be VERY playful. I would chase the ball, retrieve the ball, and perhaps even EAT the ball. Hey…We have big jaws ya know and we LOVE to chew. Cuddly…OMG yes. I would be in your lap CONSTANTLY. There’s a good chance you would be licked a lot as I love to use my huge wet tongue to kiss you.

I would of course require a nice comfortable bed, YOURS would be nice actually. Don’t forget that being a VERY energetic dog I will need a HUGE amount of attention, hmmmmm…Just like NOW… Hey, at least as a dog when I’m called a Bitch the meaning would be true. Hehehehehe…

Until Later….

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I have an age old problem I would like to discuss with you. Every time I go into the bathroom to pee, the toilet seat is ALWAYS left up. The problem is, the toilet has pee on it which I have to clean BEFORE I sit. I have tried and tried talking to him about this; he just says he keeps FORGETTING to put the seat back down. What should I do to break him of this annoying habit?

Soiled Sue

 

Dear Soiled:

This has been a bee in our bonnets ever since the toilet was invented. I mean WHAT’S so freakin’ hard about putting a little piece of porcelain down again once lifted? Not only that, but the fact that he doesn’t even AIM Mr. Happy so that it actually goes IN the water is another subject…Don’t get me started.

Here is what I suggest. First buy him some Gingko Biloba. This is a good MEMORY enhancer and may help with his “FAILING” memory. Next, I would suggest hanging a VERY SEXY picture of yourself in a flimsy neglige above the toilet. Underneath place a note that says:

“If you WANT some of this later, Put the FARGIN’ seat DOWN.”

Hopefully, this will help with your problem. Good luck.

 

Dear Sooz:

My neighbor’s dog keeps taking his dumps in MY yard. I have politely informed my neighbor of this but it hasn’t done any good. What should I do?

Down in the DUMPS

Dear Dumps:

This actually happened to me about a year ago. Being in the season of Christmas and all, why don’t you try this? Go out in your yard, pick up all of the dogs mess, and place it a box. Wrap the box with some very nice wrapping paper and bow, and then send it to your neighbor. Include a very nice Holiday card thanking him for all the things his dog has done for you. This should send the correct message and hopefully this won’t happen again. Hey…It WORKED for ME. Good Luck…

Until Later…

 

 

 

Three Coins in a Toilet???

Great Dane

A couple weekends ago my cousin asked me to baby sit. It had been a long time since her husband and her had been away so I said sure. Just to keep the record straight, she also has two dogs…Dumper, an 8 month old Great Dane…and Weasel, a two year old Chihuahua.

Her kids are younger so that have to be watched CONTINUALLY, I’m rethinking having kids. Anyway…I got up Saturday morning (As the rooster crows), I’m SERIOUS…It was STILL dark outside. I mean I’m just used to coming HOME at that hour. MY GOD….Don’t kids sleep late on the weekends like I do?

Feeding them a nice nourishing breakfast which consisted of candy coated cereal, chocolate milk and chocolate pop tarts, I settled in for the day ahead. Second guessing myself….I’m thinking this MAY NOT have been the best move on my part. An hour later, they were running, swinging on things like Tarzan, and they were using what my cousin says: “Their Outside Voices”…OK…They were screaming.

I turned my head for just ONE microsecond and I hear screaming, coming from the bathroom. I drop everything I’m doing, rush to the bathroom, (As I was afraid someone was being flushed down the toilet), and low and behold, here is my younger cousin with his hand in the toilet.

Politely reminding him that the toilet is NOT a swimming pool, and to please remove his hand from the water, he does. Once removed…Dumper decides HE is thirsty and immediately starts lapping up the toilet water. Now, this is a big dog, I mean a couple of Dumpers in the Grand Canyon and I can see why there is such a crevice there…They (the dogs) had to be thirsty. Nothin’ scarier than seein’ a Great Dane suckin’ a toilet bowl clean.

Asking the little guy why he was screaming, he said that G.I. Joe was on a training exercise and had inadvertently slipped into the toilet. Now…What I didn’t tell you is that after falling in…He FLUSHED IT… OYE ?!?


Soooo, here I am reaching into the toilet,(which was now devoid of any water), and proceeded to try and find G.I. Joe before he succumbs to a drowning tragedy. NOTHING!!! Now I’m a smart person so I get a brainiac idea… I’ll use a hanger. No way in HELL was I ever letting my cousin know that G.I. Joe was screwing up her plumbing.

To the closet I go searching and searching for anything BUT a plastic hanger. Finally, after about 15 minutes( seemed like an eternity), I finally find one and reshape it into the form of a grappling hook to snag the helpless action figure.

I bended, twisted, even cursed (OOPS), Until I was able to Grab hold of, and rescue G.I. Joe. Phew…I’m getting worn out just TELLIN’ this story.
Bottom line is, I got him out, let the dogs outside, and (watched Dumper pee for about an hour), and all returned to normalcy. Tell me…Are their any GOOD reasons to have kids…?   🙂

How To Give Your Dog or Cat a Pill

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Trying to give your dog or cat a pill is like trying to get a 100 year old man’s penis hard. Sorry…The devil made me type that…REALLY!!!. Damn…Now I lost my train of thought, Oh yeah, giving dogs or cats pills.

This subject has been widely studied by many successful vets across the world, and to my knowledge, there STILL is no easy way to make this happen. Oh sure, you might have a dog or cat that is a stupid as toast and just eat it, but usually, this is NOT the case.

The more widely accepted phenomenon is that the animal will turn their heads like in the Exorcist, spit and then, start cursing at you. I know, I know, none of us likes to be cursed at, especially by our family pets, so we have to think of inventive ways to administer said medicine without all the drama from Peyton Place.

The following, are ways that after many many years of study seem to work rather well.

1.)   BEG like HELL… Sometimes this works because your pet just likes to feel superior to you, and will just swallow it to show you that HE is the boss.

2.)   Put it in his food. This USUALLY works unless your pet is as smart as Einstein, in which case, he will eat all AROUND the pill and then stare at you as if to say…SERIOUSLY???

3.)   My personal favorite is to use distraction. For example, yell at the top of your lungs, “LOOK…There’s a CAT”, Then, as he starts to bark, put the pill in his mouth. This method however, doesn’t really work that well on cats, because number one, they are smarter than dogs, and two, they DON’T bark.

3.)   Acquire a blow gun, put said pill into it, and then BLOW like an Aborigine hunting the White man. This method certainly DOES work, but, finding the blow gun is tricky.

Last but not least, this is the one that seems to work the best. With two fingers, hold his nose until he HAS to open up his mouth for oxygen. You can then insert the pill WAY down his throat, and then remove your fingers from pinching his nostrils. This will usually do the trick.

Once your dog/cat regains consciousness, Give him several well deserved hugs, and of course, lavish him with copious treats. I hope this has been a help to you.

Until Later…