An Apology and a Thank You

Usually, on a Friday and Saturday night, I would go to the bars or clubs and just drink the night away. Usually, after the fifth Vodka and Cranberry, I would become light headed, disoriented, and wellHow do I say thisOh yeah, the biggest slut there was.

I would get into a conversation with just about EVERYONE as they would gravitate towards my stool, I would laugh, and carry on, and usually this would involve me inadvertently touching someones penis, or feeling a loving breast here and there.

I would wake up the next morning, check my phone, and usually there would be between 50 to 100 texts, MOSTLY saying what a great time they had with me the night before.The PROBLEM was, I had NO idea who ANY of these people were. I must have touched MORE Penisus, and felt MORE breasts while at the clubs in my time than Donald Trump has money.

Sure, it didn’t hurt being a Nympho, I think my Libido must have just given up and said “Go For It Sooz” after a few drinks. Many a strange call I would get the next day at work from folks I had absolutely NO idea who the F**K they were, asking me to meet them for a drink or 10 after work. NOW, I see WHY!!!

In step five of AA, It says to “Admit to God, to ourselves, and another Human being, the exact nature of our wrongs” While I don’t KNOW if there really Is a God, I HAVE admitted to myself that there certainly have been wrong doings because of my drinking.

While I am NOT sure of WHAT all of these are yet, TOO many names, not enough time, I am blanketing my apology to everyone out there who I ever wronged by touching your penis, or feeling your lovely, soft, gentle breast.

I would also like to take this opportunity to THANK you for NOT pressing charges, and for giving my ego a HUGE boost. Those were the good old days EH??? Should you see me at the clubs in the near future, buy me an Iced Tea, we’ll TALK, but don’t expect a penis touch or a breast feel as I only do this by REQUEST now…

Until Later…

Ten Things I am NOT Going to Do Today

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10. Wake up on the floor…AGAIN…

 9.  Talk to my drinking buddy that is NOT really there.

 8.  Clean up the Piss in my pants from that Damn Pink Elephant.

 7.  Waste time searching for my lost keys that I KNOW are still attached to the zipper of my jeans.

 6.  Apologize to the immediate world for lewd, crude, and unattractive things I did and don’t remember from the night before.

 5.  Spend the night again with The Ringling Brothers Circus Clowns. 

 4.  Call in sick because I am too hung over to find my car…AGAIN…

 3.  OK….I MY have lied about the clowns…They were a good lay…Hehehehe…

 2.  Have breakfast with the Drunk Tank cop…

 1.  Lie like I did on the above Nine answers….Hmmmm….or DID I?????

Until Later…

Wicked Wednesday–Sex, Suds, and Sooz–

Nymphomania is something I have had to deal with all my life. The clinical term I’ve heard for it is hyper=sexual disorder. For years I thought I was merely cursed with a higher than average sex drive that made me want to screw ANYTHING that moved.

I also learned early on that I was sexually interested in both men AND women. Funny….Heterosexuality is actually HARD for me to understand as is same sex for strictly Lesbianism or Homosexuality in men. I just assumed that EVERYBODY was like ME until I found out that *I* was the odd ball out.

Drinking beer, and lots of it, helped me come to grips with what my sexuality was. Drunk, I didn’t CARE if I was ridiculed or called a slut. I KNEW what I was, The alcohol just helped to mask the pain.

I NEED sex, I CRAVE it… My body is ALWAYS in a constant state of Horniness. Pick a day that you felt like you could go to a bar, take the first man or woman you see and F**K them all night long. If you can imagine that, That’s how I am 24/7.

Now, am I a drunken slut, YES…I am…Just don’t judge me. I am also a nice person who is creative and loves people…NOT THAT WAY….I KNOW that’s what you were thinking. Being a Nympho also has it’s setbacks though too. For example, it’s hard to carry on a relationship with someone that knows you wanna f**k anything that has two legs. You see, the problem is, almost everyone I’ve met can NOT keep up with my sexual needs. SERIOUSLY… I can’t blame THEM ‘cause it’s ME that has the want or NEED I should say.

I NEED to have my genitals touched, Usually, I TRY and be good and just masturbate myself 6-8 times a day. IT’S TRUE. Sometimes when I can no longer stand it, I’ll put on a mini with a fine see through blouse and wear either a sexy black or red laced bra. I have the panties or thong to match of course.

Attracting men is a snap. Being attractive, I never have a problem with them buying me a drink or ten. When the time is right, I will go to the ladies room. Usually, by this time I am already wet and a little drunk, I make sure my panties are wet by feeling my twat while my panties are still on.

Then, I take off my panties, put them in my purse or clutch bag and HAND them discreetly to the man that’s buying me the drinks. Works EVERY time. Once he gets my wet panties, within an hour we are back to my place doing the horizontal mambo…To be continued next Wednesday…

Drunk or Alcoholic—You Decide

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So today I am writing about getting drunk, why you ask…Because I can that’s why. As I am writing this I am already half in the bag, inebriated, loaded, hammered, OK…I’m DRUNK.

People have asked me, “Sue, are you an alcoholic?” I tell them NO, just a drunk ‘cause I don’t attend the meetings. Yes I know there are ways to tell if you are an alcoholic like:

1.    Do you drink in the morning—Sometimes, but I ONLY get drunk to get rid of the hangovers.

 2.    Do you pass out and have blackouts—Yes but not EVERY day. Usually only 5 out of 7…THAT’S not bad right?

 3.    Has it affected your social life —No, I STILL get drunk socially.

4.    Are you unable to sustain your sexual prowess —SERIOUSLY??? I have more sex DRUNK than I do sober.

5.    Has drinking affected your work—Only when I get TOO drunk to talk.

6.    Can you stop drinking once you’ve started—Absolutely…This happens whenever I pass out OR am puking my guts in the porcelain god.

7.    Have you lost any friends because of your drinking —Yes but then I gained new ones like Beerman, Hophead and Bubba.

8.     Do you consistently bring alcohol into situations where there wouldn’t otherwise be any, like a movie theater or your office?—HELLLLLLOOOO…Doesen’t EVERYBODY???

9.    Have you ever wet the bed after a night of drinking—Ah NO…I wear Depends when I’m drinking…DUH…

10. Do you drink when you are sick, because vodka totally “kills the germs”?—What are you saying? Vodka DOES kill the germs…COME ON…

 

So…If you have answered YES to one or more of these questions WITHOUT REALLY good reasons like MINE, there is a good chance you have a drinking problem… If you DO, please come join me as I need a partner to drink with tonight.

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

Silly Answering Machine Messages

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1.  If you leave your name at the beep I’ll see if I like you enough to call you back.

 2. I’m not in right now but if you leave a 100 dollar deposit to account number 2 *&^%$#(*&, I will be sure to thank you call you back.

3.  I can’t come to the phone right now as I’m in the bathtub. I’m all HOT and nice and WET, soaping up my sexy feminine wilds, and feeling myself SOOOO  SOOOO gently. I’ll be glad to call you back AFTER I’ve orgasmed. Talk to you later.

 4.  Hi there, I AM home but I’m currently too DRUNK to come to the phone and have an intelligent conversation. Leave your name at the beep and I will TRY and remember to see who called.

 5.  Hello, this is Sooz’s phone. If you are a sexy man or woman and want to have your way with me, dial 1 now, I’ll call you RIGHT back. If you are bill collector, dial 2 but DON’T hold your breath. If you are a relative, just leave me the amount you want and I will drop it off to you. If you are a phone solicitor, GO “F” yourself. There is NO NEED to leave a F**CKING number ‘cause I WON’T be calling your sorry ASS back. CLICK…

 6.   Hi, this is Sooz, I’m not home right now but if you leave your NAME, NUMBER, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, CREDIT CARD NUMBER WITH PIN, DATE OF BIRTH, and BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER with PIN, I will be sure to call you back…TRUST ME…

 7.  Sorry I’m not home right now but if you leave your name and number I will call you back. If this is Betty, hold on a minute, I really AM home but was screening my calls. For everyone ELSE, SERIOUSLY…I am NOT home…

 8.  This is Sooz, If you leave the proper reply to “The Eagle has left the nest”, I will call you back. If you don’t, I may STILL call you back but I will probably be speaking in TONGUES. (That’s clever talk for I’m drunk and can’t form words correctly let alone form rational sentences.

 

Until Later…

Christmas Spirit and Spirits

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Yesterday I finally decided it was time to put up all my Christmas lights for the holiday. I have several different arrays I use for the house’s outside and then another set for the inside.

Now remember, I am going to be 41 so I have lights that have been around since I used to ride dinosaurs to school. They are very pretty lights. Most are the bigger lights, for the outside, with a lighted Santa and sleigh, and Reindeer that are so real looking, hunters want to kill shoot them.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase, once done, my house looks a lot like that one. I bring this up because what I am about to tell you REMINDS me soooooo much of this movie.

It takes me forever to finally finish everything so I am extremely proud of my house and myself once done. I ALWAYS check all the lights BEFORE I put them up ESPECIALLY the lights on the roof.

So, I got all the light out, tested them all and they all worked. I got out my staple gun and proceeded to do my roof lights first, then my window lights, next the Santa, and FINALLY my real looking Reindeer.

Yup…You guessed it, I flipped the switch and NOTHING happened. WTF!!! Now, I am NOT an electrician, BUT, I also have taught myself a few things about electricity over the years. The first thing I did was CURSE A BLUE STREAK. For those of you who may NOT be familiar with that terminology, it means to swear and scream until the neighbors call the cops for disturbing the peace.

After I calmed down a little, I went and checked the circuit breaker. Sure enough, something had overloaded my breaker and tripped it. Guess what I did??? I actually added two new breakers to my box. WHAT??? I DID!!! REALLY!!!

This job took me about 4 hours ‘cause first I had to go to Home Depot and buy the necessary supplies. OK…Now I was done and once again I flipped on the lights. THIS time everything went on EXCEPT my roof lights…NATURALLY. Now, to make a long story short (Which is NO LONGER POSSIBLE), I had to check EACH and EVERY light. The string for the roof was on the OLD School system and when one light goes out, they ALL go out.

This took me ANOTHER four hours of manual labor. I was just glad that they even still MADE these kinds of bulbs. Finally, after all the aggravation, Once again I flipped the switch and Voilà, the lights went on.

I was so tired and aggravated after all this I decided I needed a good DRUNK. Inside the house I went, poured myself several Vodka and Cranberries and got good and wasted. Hey I DESERVED it…

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 I hope YOUR Holiday light setup went a lot better than mine. I feel better now that I shared that…Thanks for listening.

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

 

Shhhhhh…I Faked the Big “O”

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Here’s a question, do you feel guilty if you fake an Orgasm? Guys, you can answer this too, don’t be shy. I will openly say in front of God and everyone that I have FAKED the big “O”, and NOT just once. Any other hand raisers who have done this?

I mean really, I Love Sex, I do, but I am also not a machine either. I need to be in the proper frame of mind to be able to be “with” it, ya know…DRUNK… Sometimes rather than refuse sex, I say sure and then hope for the best, BUT, if it’s not happening,  then…It’s NOT happening. Rather than disappoint my partner in crime, I will just FAKE it. I feel REALLY guilty when I do this, I feel like I’m a kid who got caught stealing candy from the grocery store. The only reason I do it is this way my partner feels good and hopefully we can do it another time when I’m in the mood.

Tell me if you disagree, but, I believe since the beginning of time, women (and MAYBE), men have been faking orgasms. Even in the Garden of Eden, I believe that after a while, Eve was just plain tired from gathering nuts and berries all day. After that, she had to go home to the cave, cook Adam a sumptuous meal of nuts and berries, and then, she had to clean it all up after…Who WOULD be ready for sex after that?

All of a sudden, Adam gives her that strip off that leaf baby and lets make children look. Now Eve is thinking, Oh Man, NOT again. But, to please her man, and CREATE the Human race, she gives in.

 So…Adam is pumping away at it going “Grr, Azho, Blab“,(which means…WHO’S YOUR DADDY BABY), and Eve is thinking ARE WE DONE YET? Eve figures OK, if I fake it maybe he will just quit and I can go back to my TV program(oops…wrong century). Sooooo, in the interest of ending it, she lets out a major scream and says, “Babba Loo, Babba Loo, Which means (Great Job Baby, You’re the best). DUH!!!!!! He’s the ONLY man around sister, think about it.

After they are finished, Adam turns to Eve and says “*&^%$*&^” which means…Do ya wanna raise a little Cain later? Eve replies, “ ))((__())((( “ which means….If I am Abel….(Get it??? Cain and Abel). Ho boy…

Anyway, This goes on and on for centuries until we arrive at present day, Women faking it, Men loving it. So is life. I mean, what’s the harm in a little deception if no one gets hurt, right? So WHY do I feel so F***ing guilty then….Grrrrrr. Help me out here somebody PLEASE!!!!!! Ease my mind, tell me some lies…ANYTHING that makes me feel better about it…Am I the only one who does this or are there others? Let me hear from you, and tell YOUR stories.

That’s all I got for now, I’m going into the bedroom now and practice…YOU KNOW.

List Time

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For those of you who know me, you probably know at least 2 things I’m addicted to. Well…Counting the Internet and certainly with Chocolate, maybe 4 things.

The first thing of course is Vodka. Although ADDICTION may be a bit strong. I prefer to call it “Hopefully Helpless Habit For Habitual Imbibers” There…Doesn’t that sound much more pleasant? The second thing is responding to and answering questions from ANY list that happens my way.

I was doing sooo well too UNTIL I came across…Yup, you guessed it a LIST from someone’s Blog. Helplessly I was dragged back into this horrible obsessive addiction, and so, with my best friends  Jack Daniels, Mr. Smirnoff, and Jose Cuervo, I give you “The List”…

Name your top three pet peeves–

1. Watching someone SMILE after they just farted without saying excuse me.

2. Being FORCED to watch the presidential debates or National Conventions because Grey’s Anatony is being Pre-empted.

3. Being locked in a closet with Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking discussing Physics when all I wanna talk about is buying some new shoes.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up and the last thing before you go to bed?

Pee, then drink some Vodka…No No…That isn’t right, I drink some Vodka FIRST then pee. At night, I crawl to bed then pee, not ALWAYS in that order though.

How do you celebrate Columbus Day?

Usually with a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka. Oh…and I TOAST Columbus of course…

Describe your perfect Sunday morning.

 Wake up LATE, drink all day, pass out drunk until the work week begins.

How much time, on an average day, do you spend on the internet?

Depends on when I get HOME and how much I’ve had to drink.

If you were forced to wear one outfit over and over again, what would it be?  

My Birthday Suit!!!

Name one thing you need to stop doing.

Getting so Drunk that I forget WHO I’ve had SEX with.

What’s your favorite month of the year? Why?

I Love the Winter time because the temperature is well below 140 degrees by then.

Reality TV: trash or treasure?

Jerry Springer—TRASH…Dancing With The Stars—Treasure…

Until Later…

I Have GUNK Stuck In My Teeth

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So…How many times has THIS happened to you? You are perfectly happy eating a Peanut Butter and Salami Sandwich with Hot peppers and mustard, when ALL of a sudden, you get a piece of Salami stuck SOMEWHERE in between one of your teeth.

You cry out, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH because, well, you’re frustrated and as I’ve said, you’ve got this Humongous piece of SALAMI stuck in some hidden away crevice of your tooth.

Your FIRST thought is…“Sue, How are you going to get this disgusting THING out of your mouth?” Naturally, you go into the bathroom and get out your tooth brush, and brush your teeth until they bleed like rivers of blood flowing down a mountain stream. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!! This doesn’t work…NOW what?

Next, you decide to try and use a Toothpick and FLASHLIGHT to help LOCATE this now bothersome piece of Italian Meat. Using the huge bathroom mirror as a guide, you flash the light around to see if you can SPOT the little devil. You can’t.

Frustrated, I just stab the Toothpick into the first Tooth I BELIEVE it might be stuck in. I poke, I prod, I curse and swear, and when THIS doesn’t work, I try the NEXT tooth. NOPE!!! Keep trying…Over and over I dig until my GUMS are raw from the search.

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My mouth is getting REALLY torn up now and is starting to hurt so I decide to help EASE the pain with a bottle of Vodka.

Ahhhhh….The pain has subsided, I LOVE everybody, (Literally if I could), and say SCREW the Salami. After thinking about what I’ve just said in my drunken state, PLUS the Vodka, I am now EXCITED. I decide I need some positive reinforcement. I proceed to take out and use my toys to give myself some well deserved pleasure.

Oh…I STILL had the GUNK in my mouth BUT, I no longer CARED!!! Life was good and all was well with the world once again.

P.S. The GUNK came out by ITSELF. When I woke up, it was gone. I guess the Salami Fairies came and took it while I was sleeping. Sheese!!! Go Figure!!!

Until Later…