Once upon a time, in a far away village in Transylvania, There lived a beautiful shepherd girl, and her name was Mergatroid. Let’s just call her Sooz for short. She was a beautiful girl with flowing red hair and ginger Netherlands to match. “OK Sooz, who are we REALLY talking about here?” “Who said that” Sooz said surprised when a voice from nowhere suddenly appeared. “I’m your inner conscience” said the voice, “now, continue on with your story and go EASY on all the SEX talk.”
Anyway…Mergatroid, (I mean Sooz). lived in a humble shack with her alcoholic mother and a cat Jezabelle, (Don’t ask). Every morning Sooz would get up, fix her hungover mother a nice cold stein filled with Mead and 3 shots of rye, and some muffins and eggs from the hen house. She was a dutiful girl, and knowing that her mother would soon be passed out drunk on the floor, she would prepare a nice bed of straw before going out into the fields and starting her chores.
One chilly October day, while tending the flock, a mysterious old woman suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She was dressed all in black, (Sorta like Johnny Cash), and had a wide smile with teeth that were Colgate clean and white. She approached Sooz and motioned for her to sit. Sooz reached into the satchel she carried her lunch in, and offered the woman half of a Peanut Butter and Salami sandwich and some cold water. After eating, the old woman told Sooz that she was her Fairy Godmother and that she had been watching Sooz for some time now. She said that she was very impressed with Sooz’s kind and gentle manner and her selfless attitude.
The old woman told her that she could have 3 wishes of her choosing. All she had to do was think about what she wanted and tap the heels of her shoes together 3 times. “WAIT JUST A MINUTE”, said the mysterious voice again. “That’s a story line right out of Cinderella, Aladdin. and The Wizard Of Oz”…” OK….OK… I KNOW”, said Sooz, but did you ever try and WRITE a fairy tale before CONSCIENCE?” “Alright” replied her conscience, “But watch it from here on out before you get slapped with a plagiarism law suit.”
Sooz thought and thought, what should she wish for? She decided she would wish for one MILLION dollars…”AH HEM, there you go again Sooz WATCH IT!!!” Immediately, a chest of money appeared before her eyes. She was soooo happy that she dragged the chest full of money back to the cottage and showed her mother. “What’s that” her mother asked?.” My Fairy God mother agave me three wishes Ma” said Sooz. “No, seriously” said Sooz. “The next time ask for an unlimited supply of MEAD and Rye” replied her mother in a drunken slurrish state. “Yes Mama”, said Sooz and tapped her heals together once again.
The magic worked quickly as a beautiful mahogany bar appeared in the shack with bottle after bottle of Rye and Mead. “What a good child” said her mother as she staggered over to the bar and poured herself a cold one. The next morning came only to find Sooz’s mother drunk as a skunk once again and the tax man at her door. “I’m sorry miss”, said the tax man, “but you owe all of this money except for a thousand dollars to the Kingdom for Fairy Godmother fees and taxes.”
Depressed now, Sooz thought and thought about what to ask for from her final wish. With a stroke of genius, she had it. She closed her eyes, tapped her heels together and POOF, there appeared before her Prince Charming. “My Lady”, said the Prince. “Mi Lord”, said Sooz, and off she went to marry the man of her dreams. Destiny had taken it’s course, Sooz got married and lived in a beautiful castle, and her mother lived drunk as a skunk, happily ever after with Jezabelle for all time. Happy Halloween everyone.