Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a mom who has 2 small children who I will be taking out for Halloween for the first time. Here is my concern, my husband wants to take them around the neighborhood and I am a little leery about doing that.

I would much prefer going to a Community sponsored event where I know things will be safe. What are your thoughts on this one? My husbands reads and respects your replies.

Ghostsbuster

Dear Ghostbuster:

I believe it all depends on the neighborhood where you live. If you live in a safe neighborhood, it is probably fine, just check the candy once you get home to make sure it is still wrapped in the containers.

Discard any items such as popcorn balls or homemade type articles as these could be easily tampered with. Personally, I am for the Community centers that have Halloween sponsered events. There are organized games, music, and the kids seem to have a good time.

Enjoy your Halloween and Ah….Save me the Reeeses Pieces and the KitKats….

Enjoy!!!

Things That go Bump in the Night

It’s almost Halloween and so I thought I would share a story with all of you. Now, what I am about to tell you is TRUE, based on MY perception. I am not saying that the headless horseman, bigfoot, or that the slimy undead roam the Earth, I am just giving you an account of what happened to ME.

Two years ago, YES, when I was still drinking, I observed an unusual experience. Now I KNOW many of you will blame this on the alcohol, but, I assure you, this HAPPENED.

I was depressed at the time, lonely, and thinking about my father. For those of you who are new and don’t know, when I was very young, my father took his own life while I was with him. This was a very traumatic experience and one which I still live with to this day.

I was sitting at home watching TV, when all of a sudden the room got cold. As I got up to check the air conditioning, I saw a shape or figure by my curtains.  I walked slowly towards this eerie figure, thinking it was just a symptom of my drunkenness.

As I got within ten feet, I could make out the spector, it was my father. In his hand was a bottle of whiskey which he poured out in front of me. I honestly couldn’t BELIEVE what I was seeing. I am an intelligent woman, one who CERTAINLY does NOT believe in ghosts, but THIS was happening.

I ventured to ask him the question I have been asking myself for years…WHY??? He merely lowered his head, and waived a kiss to my cheek. As I went closer, his figure shrunk into the darkened night. Once again, I was alone.

So now, I leave my story in YOUR capable hands, did it HAPPEN, or NOT?  I believe that it DID!!! It scared the Bejesus out of me I’ll tell you that. What do YOU think???

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:
Since it is almost Halloween time again, I would like to get something off my chest. Halloween has never been a big Holiday for me, but, to my husband, it is his favorite time of the year.
He decorates the house, wears a costume, and plays scary music which is fine, but here’s the thing, he likes to scare me with a Halloween prank. Usually he goes gung ho and scares the living bejesus out of me.
I have continually asked him not to do this, yet he continues with this scary and annoying practice. Am I wrong in not wanting to be scared out of my mind? If you have any suggestions on this I would really appreciate your advice.
Scared in Charlotte

Dear Scared:
I must admit I SHARE your husband’s passion for Halloween. That being said, if you have continually asked him to desist from this behavior and he won’t, then there is only one thing to do, SCARE him back with a doozy.
I mean read books, talk with friends, have professional help or what EVER it takes, but scare the living HELL outta him. Perhaps once he gets a taste of his OWN medicine, he will relent in pestering you with these annoying dalliances.
If this does NOT show him that you are serious, I would then suggest letting him know in no uncertain terms that if he does it again, there will be NO MAMMA goodies for quite some time. THAT should do the trick if scaring him to brown underwear doesn’t workGood luck. Oh, and Happy Halloween…

Just Ask Sooz–Halloween Edition–

 

Dear Sooz:
Hi…It’s Linus, you know, from Charlie Brown. I’m writing you today because I understand you are an expert on just about everything and I need your help.
It’s really a two fold problem Sooz. First of all, let’s address The Great Pumpkin since it IS Halloween. Every year I give up going to parties and trick or treating so I can see the Great Pumpkin, and each year I seem to fall asleep before he arrives.
Charlie Brown and Lucy claim that there ISN’T really a Great Pumpkin, that I am just wasting my time. I KNOW however, that in my heart of hearts, he really DOES exist and that I just fall asleep BEFORE he arrives. What do YOU think Sooz? Am I wasting my time or do you think I should just stay WITH it???
Secondly, I am really worried about my friend Charlie Brown. He’s been moping around lately because of this Little Red Headed Girl. Ya see, Charlie Brown is all head over heels in love with her and to date, she hasn’t given him the time of day. I’m his best friend and I hate to see him so depressed. What should I do to help him?
 A True Friend

Dear True Friend:
Sorry Linis, you’ve been doing this since 1965 now and to date, you have STILL NOT seen the Great Pumpkin. I think that after trying for almost 50 years, you should GIVE IT UP!!! He’s NOT coming…Sorry baby, just a fact of life. I give you lots of props though for trying for so long.

As far as that Little Red Headed Chick, well…THAT’S a whole nuther story. She wouldn’t even realize WHAT a good man he was even if he came up and KISSED her. She just has her head stuck to far up her OWN ass at this point to realize it. I say…KICK THAT LAZY ASS BITCH TO THE CURB and MOVE ON!!! One day, she will look back at this and say, “DAMN…What a FINE piece of meat I gave up in that Brown guy.
Buy him a soda and some cookies, and tell Lucy I said to let him KICK that god damned football once in a while. If she DOES, then maybe he won’t be carrying that CHIP on his shoulder the rest of his life. I hope this helped you…
Happy Halloween

Halloween Humor

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OK…I’m gonna break down and write something about Halloween. I mean after all…Besides St. Patrick’s Day, it IS my favorite holiday. Who can guess why it’s my second favorite holiday? Seriously??? No one wants to guess??? OK, I’ll tell ya why. I can dress up as ANYBODY OR ANYTHING I wanna and get drunk as a skunk.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But Sue, you don’t NEED an excuse to get drunk as you ARE most of the time ANYWAY“…Well… OK that’s true, BUT how often do I get to dress up in a Sexy French Maid’s Costume and party with Cupid? Gotcha on that one didn’t I? I’ll be serving so much French Wine to Cupid, He won’t even be able to shoot  straight. He’ll probably wind up shooting his dumb ass arrows straight into my ASS. I’m gonna make sure my costume is small enough so I will be able to expose some ASS to shoot.

Now, where was I…Oh yeah, Halloween. Do you know WHY we wear costumes on Halloween? It’s because it’s the one day that the sprits of the dead were supposed to walk the Earth with the Living. Folks would dress up in costumes to try and fool the spirits into thinking that they were one of THEM so they wouldn’t be haunted by them.

Hey…I’m not makin’ this stuff up… Google it…So, that’s where the tradition started. Now, we just do it to have a little fun and scare the DEJESUS out of little kids who come to our doors for candy.

Speaking of costumes, (notice my smooth segway there), I understand that the most popular ones this year are the political figures. Yup…It’s true. We have kids dressing up as Obama and Romney. Go figure…Scratches Head… My favorite though is the NFL replacement refs and Honey Boo Boo. You just gotta love Honey Boo Boo!!!

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I don’t know if anybody could guess, But, I’ve been doing a little NIPPIN’ here as I’ve been writing. Does it SHOW??? Gotta go now, I still have to take up the hem in my costume and get out all my favorite Halloween Movies together. Have a great one everyone. Hic…

Until Later…

Three Wishes

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Once upon a time, in a far away village in Transylvania, There lived a beautiful shepherd girl, and her name was Mergatroid. Let’s just call her Sooz for short. She was a beautiful girl with flowing red hair and ginger Netherlands to match. “OK Sooz, who are we REALLY talking about here?” “Who said that”  Sooz said surprised when a voice from nowhere suddenly appeared. “I’m your inner conscience” said the voice, “now, continue on with your story and go EASY on all the SEX talk.”

Anyway…Mergatroid, (I mean Sooz). lived in a humble shack with her alcoholic mother and a cat Jezabelle, (Don’t ask). Every morning Sooz would get up, fix her hungover mother a  nice cold stein filled with Mead and 3 shots of rye, and some muffins and eggs from the hen house. She was a dutiful girl, and knowing that her mother would soon be passed out drunk on the floor, she would prepare a nice bed of straw before going out into the fields and starting her chores.

One chilly October day, while tending the flock, a mysterious old woman suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She was dressed all in black, (Sorta like Johnny Cash), and had a wide smile with teeth that were Colgate clean and white. She approached Sooz and motioned for her to sit. Sooz reached into the satchel she carried her lunch in, and offered the woman half of a Peanut Butter and Salami sandwich and some cold water. After eating, the old woman told Sooz that she was her Fairy Godmother and that she had been watching Sooz for some time now. She said that she was very impressed with Sooz’s kind and gentle manner and her selfless attitude.

The old woman told her that she could have 3 wishes of her choosing. All she had to do was think about what she wanted and tap the heels of her shoes together 3 times. “WAIT JUST A MINUTE”, said the mysterious voice again. “That’s a story line right out of Cinderella, Aladdin. and The Wizard Of Oz”…” OK….OK… I KNOW”, said Sooz, but did you ever try and WRITE a fairy tale before CONSCIENCE?”  “Alright” replied her conscience, “But watch it from here on out before you get slapped with a plagiarism law suit.”

Sooz thought and thought, what should she wish for? She decided she would wish for one MILLION dollars…”AH HEM, there you go again Sooz WATCH IT!!!” Immediately, a chest of money appeared before her eyes. She was soooo happy that she dragged the chest full of money back to the cottage and showed her mother. “What’s that” her mother asked?.” My Fairy God mother agave me three wishes Ma” said Sooz. “No, seriously” said Sooz. “The next time ask for an unlimited supply of MEAD and Rye” replied her mother in a drunken slurrish state. “Yes Mama”, said Sooz and tapped her heals together once again.

The magic worked quickly as a beautiful mahogany bar appeared in the shack with bottle after bottle of Rye and Mead. “What a good child” said her mother as she staggered over to the bar and poured herself a cold one. The next morning came only to find Sooz’s mother drunk as a skunk once again and the tax man at her door. “I’m sorry miss”, said the tax man, “but you owe all of this money except for a thousand dollars to the Kingdom for Fairy Godmother fees and taxes.”

Depressed now, Sooz thought and thought about what to ask for from her final wish. With a stroke of genius, she had it. She closed her eyes, tapped her heels together and POOF, there appeared before her Prince Charming. “My Lady”, said the Prince. “Mi Lord”, said Sooz, and off she went to marry the man of her dreams. Destiny had taken it’s course, Sooz got married and lived in a beautiful castle, and her mother lived drunk as a skunk, happily ever after with Jezabelle for all time. Happy Halloween everyone.

The End

Until Later…

Top 10 Excuses for Missing Work

  
  Man…I am soooo HUNG OVER!!!
Some Days you JUST don’t have a good excuse for missing work. Here are a few that *I’ve* used…

10.   My mother is too drunk to drive me in.

9.    My boyfriend stole my pants and I have see through undies.

8.    I broke my glasses and am waiting to have my windshield replaced with prescription                 glass.

7.    It’s Cinco De Mayo and I’m Mexican.

6.    The Dr. says my hangover will be much better by tomorrow.

5.    My car won’t start and I’m waiting on triple D’s, I mean triple A.

4.    My breast augmentation prevents me from steering.

3.    Hey, Halloween only comes once a year.

2.    My welfare check is gone so I won’t be in until the 15th.

1.    My favorite fish just died and I need to go and attend it’s funeral

Until Later…