Twas The Night Before New Year’s

Twas The Night Nefore New Year’s

Twas the night before New Year’s and all through the house,Not a creature was stirring, except Santa cleaning the reindeer poop off his sleigh.

All the presents were opened, and the kids bored to tears,

Their parents, it seemed, were in need of some beers.
The weather being frightful and the temperature cold,
Made the kids mean, and unhinged, and unruly I’m told.
So to bed with the kids their parents did send,
As they geared up for drinks at the Holiday’s end.

They drank Whiskey and Beer, and some Vodka and Gin,
They drank Wine and some Schnops, and some shots in a tin.
Laughing and giggling were the sounds that were heard,
As the revelers drooled with their sight greatly blurred.

On the floors did they sleep till the New Year arrived,
Bringing prosperity and song, and the hangover revived.
Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

Sooz’s New Year’s Resolutions

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I will drink NO more—Than I NEED to get good and shitfaced.

No more drunken phone calls or texts—Unless…They NEED to be made. (They USUALLY) DO…

No writing about my SAD and SCREWED UP family life past—Unless I feel it will bring me high into the BUZZING LIST.

I resolve NEVER to smart talk another Blogger here…Oh DAMN…I’ve already just broken that one. NEXT!!!!!!!

No more running around NUDE at my office Christmas Parties. Well…OK…UNLESS I am really drunk…I mean, how OFTEN could THAT happen???

No more demoralizing Threesomes…DAMN…There’s ANOTHER one already broken. I guess I am just not GOOD at this LIST thingy.

I will remain calm and always take the high road when angry…Unless someone REALLY pisses me off.

No more getting DRUNK in public…I’m going for at LEAST a week here on that one.

If I DO get drunk in public, I will NOT get into a confrontation with the Police like the LAST time.

I will NOT become the WEDDING SLUT ONCE this year…If you are having a wedding and wanna invite me…You have my SOLEMN promise on this one. (Fingers Crossed).

Phew…That feels a lot better. I’m sure with a LOT of self will and determination; I will complete at least ONE of these. Last year I didn’t fulfill any. *SAD FACE*

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

What Does Christmas Mean to you

I’m sitting outside on my patio in this wonderful 70 degree weather, and with Christmas right around the corner, I am contemplting what it means to me.

Like many of you, I have pushed through the crowds of people, hunted
myself silly when I had lights go out on my tree. I have found out from experience, however, that cursing in and of itself does NOT rejuvinate those pesky lights. For THAT, you need alcohol.

Let’s see, where was I??? Oh yeah, what Christmas means to me. Did I mention all those pesky relatives that crawl out of the woodwork only on Christmas? I swear, they’re like roaches hiding in remote places until you invite them over for dinner and presents…Oh yeah, what Xmas means to me.

Seriously though, xmas time is a very special time of year. It is a time where I start looking inward and realize that I should indeed give thanks for my great bounty. Yes, of COURSE I do that on Thanksgiving also, just a different set of circumstances.

Remember our fellow man, donate a Turkey or some canned goods to the food bank, maybe an extra donation of clothing at the Salvation army, or even just give someone WITHOUT a smile during this time, YOURS.

To me,  the Christmas Season is one selfless giving and love. I wanna take this opportunity to wish all of you who celebrate in the Season a very peaceful and loving Holiday. God Bless to all of you and yours.

Merry Christmas

Christmas Season Madness

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Raise your hand if you’re going Christmas shopping this year. Hmmm, looks like quite a few of you are. Isn’t Christmas supposed to be a PEACEFUL and LOVING time of year, you know, the joys of the Season, Peace to all and Good Will to men…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Why is it that this is the time of year then where everyone seems to be a little CRAZY? 10 Billion People out all looking for the same Tickle Me Elmo Doll when the company has only made 40.

Long lines, stores opening their doors at 4:00 AM, people pushing and shoving each other, and the skirmishes out in the parking lots trying to get a space? It’s INSANE.

That’s why THIS year I have come up with a NEW idea. I’ve decided to open up a new company called “Shop Till You Drop Killers For Hire”…That’s right folks, for only 250 dollars a day you can hire out a professional mercenary to Christmas shop FOR you.

No more waiting in long lines or having to get up early. Killer For Hire will take care of ALL your Christmas shopping needs. I pick them from the best of the best, right out of Soldier Of Fortune Magazine.

Each Soldier is trained in both chemical AND tactical warfare so you have Absolutely NO worries about acquiring the items that you want. Any MISHAPS that may occur to the general population are considered CASUALTIES of the Season and you will NOT be held personally responsible.

This way YOU can just sit back in the luxury of your homes, have a tall refreshing drink, and just ENJOY the Peace and Love of the Season as it was intended to be.

All Killers For Hire are GUARANTEED to get you ALL your Christmas items OR your money back. Hurry up and call the number on your screen NOW for your very own Shop Till You Drop Killer For Hire. Operators are standing by.

Call 1-860-555-5555 or if you live in some God awful remote part of the world where they have no phone service, write me at Sooz’s “Shop Till You Drop Killers For Hire” at P.O. Box 863, Dumbfuck Az, 21354. Killers ARE limited so call NOW!!!

Until Later…