How to Become a Successful Blogger…Plus Boobs

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Sooo…You wanna be a blogger eh??? Well, THAT is why I am here to help you out. Successful blogging really isn’t about the WRITING; it’s about GETTING the people TO your blog.

For example, pick a topic that will either INFURIATE the general public like: “Why I Shot My Neighbor’s Dog After it Took a Dump in My Yard”, OR, Use Sex…Yup…Sex sells. Seriously, just Title your post with ANYTHING that has to do with Boobs, Asses, or possibly screwing your neighbor’s COW, and it will become a great hit.

Comments, you MUST reply to each and every comment on your blog. If you don’t return the comments, those that DID comment will say F**K YOU and move on to read someone’s blog who WILL comment. Use humor in your replies, this helps let the reader know that you enjoyed their comment.

People often ask me…”Sooz, what about the CONTENT of the blog?” To that I say, if you have a great subject line and post a few pictures of Boobs and Asses, there is really no NEED to be a brilliant writer. Look at ME, for example, a good 60 % of my blogs are about Boobs, Asses, and who’s sleeping with whose COW.

Another thing that will help in your blogging career, get LOT’’S of friends. Solicit for friends. For example, let it be known that you are going for 100 friends as quickly as possible, and, you will accept ANYONE, EVEN if they are Deaf, Dumb, or Crazy. Let it be known that each person who friends you must write at least 10 comments on each and every one of your blogs. THAT way, people will THINK you are popular even if you live in a van down by the river (SATURDAY NIGHT reference)…

Finally, there is the ever important F5 key. This is VERY important because the more you USE it, the greater the number of hits it will show on your blog. Hell, you could just write the word F**K Me, and if the F5 key is pressed enough, AND each friend lists ten comments, you will be a successful blogger.

I hope this has helped you, now, go out there and get ‘em tigers…

Until Later…

 

 

How to Be a Better Lover

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Let’s be honest, who DOESN’T wana become a better lover? Since time BEGAN we’ve been DOING it, and well, getting the job done because there are a WHOLE lotta people here populating our planet.

The thing IS, it has just recently been the topic of conversation in our everyday lives. Before the 20th century, women were thought of as being obedient to their husbands…Yeah….Right!!!!???? Bubba would say, “ Hey there Matilda, why don’t we go into the bedroom and have us some FUN?”

WE, of course thought he meant we were gonna play a game of checkers. It was quite a shock when he wanted us to DISROBE, and IN-FRONT of him, have him start nibbling on our boobs, and feeling our HOOCHIES. Usually, he was like… In, out, in, out, and ahhhhhhhhhh…Hell, there wasn’t TIME enough to have any pleasure. We just DID it and then popped out kids every 9 months.

Today however, at least in MOST parts of the globe, men have learned that PLEASING us could be a GOOD thing. They’ve discovered that NICE things happen to them when we TOO are pleasured. Once men discovered this important piece of knowledge, they’ve become obsessed with making sure that we writhe and screa­­m in pleasures domain.

So…To help you all out with this one, let me give you some SURE fire ways how to take us to the moon and back. OK…Here are the basics.

  1. 1.  WATCH us while WE pleasure ourselves. Don’t be shy ladies, believe me, this will help in the bedroom 1000 %. Men are visual and need the correct mechanics for us. Each and every one of us is different so theywill DISCOVER what we like by watching us.
  1. 2.  Take your time with foreplay…PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wham bam thank you mam just doesn’t work for us. Kissing is a great warm up so spend some time on our lips…NOOOOOOOOOOOO………Not THOSE lips, at least not YET.
  2. 3.  Ask us HOW to nibble our nipples. Some of us have VERY sensitive breasts and don’t want them CHEWED like a piece of beef jerky. If your lover LIKES it, then by all means, eat them like you’re at a hotdog eating contest.
  3. 4.  Make sure we are nice and WET before entering our HOOCHIES. This will show you that we are excited and are ready for Mr. Happy.
  4. 5.  Last but not least, when the deed is done, for the love of GOD, Cuddle us a while. We view making love as an expression of us giving ourselves to you and not just an act. Hold us; tell us how beautiful we are, even IF we look like the elephant man. This will win you points and we’ll want to try you out again.

Remember, we may not Cum every time no matter what you do. Believe it or not, WE have to be in the mood. Just hold us, kiss us and let us know that you are there for us and I guarantee you, there WILL be a next time.

Until Later…

 

 

 

How to GET a woman Drunk

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  • Have her show UP at the bar
  • Tell her you want to buy her a drink or 10
  • BUY her those 10 drinks you promised
  • Tell her you’re a scientist in alcohol consumption. You are studying the # of shots needed before she is WILLING to have SEX with you.
  • Tell her you LIKE her BUT, she needs to “RELAX” some.
  • Explain that Long Island Iced Tea is JUST iced tea with a little extra flavoring.
  • Start her off drinking shots to special occasions like Flag Day, her birthday, St Patrick’s Day, MONDAY…
  • Bet her 5 Bucks she can’t drink 6 shots followed by chugging a pitcher of beer.
  • Remind her that Happy Hour was DESIGNED to get HAPPY. The more you drink, the HAPPIER you get.
  • Assure her that getting a nasty hangover the next day is just a myth fabricated by frustrated teetotalers.

 

Remember: Don’t drink and drive, do what I do, take a cab and then puke all over it…