Just Ask Sooz


Dear Sooz:

I am a 25 year old woman who has a serious problem. My boyfriend of three years has never once been intimate with me. Oh he will hold my hand, kiss me, and even feel my boobs, yet he has never once asked to well, you know, make love with me.

He is very sweet to me, buys me gifts, takes me to dinners and movies etc, but he never seems to want me. I have asked him about this and he says that he does love me and when the time is “right” he will do so. He is 31 and neither of us has ever been married.

I have normal sexual desires and urges Sooz, I really want to act on them but I just can’t seem to get him motivated. I am a reasonably attractive woman and I enjoy the closeness of our relationship but I want more, any suggestions?

Hot in Hawaii


Dear Hot in Hawaii:

OMG??? Are you freakin’ KIDDING me??? 3 YEARS??? Honey, I don’t know HOW the Sweet Dejesus you have EVER made it this long…By NOW, I would have F**KED everything from Animal, Mineral, or Vegetable, and STILL wanted more…

Are you sure he isn’t gay? Is he always impeccably dressed, does he hum show tunes, Love to shop, or say things like: “I just Luuuuuve your window treatments?” If he does ANY of these things, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN……!!! SERIOUSLY…3 YEARS???? WTF!!!

Baby doll, if he hasn’t moved Mr. Happy out of his pants and into a “warmer” environment in 3 years there is DEFINITELY something wrong with him. Get the HELL outta there before you get any older and shrivel your WHO HA up FOREVER. Seriously, there is something wrong here honey, break it off and find someone who not only loves you but gives your BODY the attention that it so desperately CRAVES… 3 YEARS??? SERIOUSLY??? Makes the sign of the cross over WHO HA area…Sometimes we just have to make the difficult decisions, THIS is one of them. Good luck…

Just Ask Sooz



Dear Sooz:

I am so distraught.  I recently discovered that my boyfriend of 2 years has been sleeping with other women. I really don’t understand why as I give him all the “lovin” he wants. He says he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me yet he has this one little hang-up…OTHER WOMEN.

What can I do to turn him back to just me? I am soooo upset.

Revenge Ravaged Rachael


Dear Rachael:

Kick this two timing dog to the curb. He will never change his ways as his DICK seems to be like a divining rod for finding other women. He is a philandering asshole jerk. The only OTHER thing you could do is get him very drunk one night and perform a Lorena Bobbitt. Cut off this self-absorbent, womanizing asshole’s jerk’s DICK. Oh wait, I can’t say that in print, disregard that last statement…*WINK* Good Luck.


Dear Sooz:

I have been seeing a psychologist now for the past 5 years. He has been very helpful but I must admit, I have developed a MAJOR crush on him. I have tried to disregard it but the more I see him the deeper I fall for him. He is single and so am I; do you think it would be inappropriate for me to pursue this relationship?

Mental Madness


Dear Mental:

It appears what you are experiencing is what’s called transference. It is very common for a patient to develop romantic feelings towards their Dr’s. Try this, the next session you have, dress to the nines. I’m talkin’ low cut dress, perfume, high heels, the WORKS. Then, in the session, tell your Dr. you’ve had this dream where you and he got together for a VERY intense sexual experience. Tell him what you did to him while making love. While telling him this, watch to see if he develops a BONER.

If he does, he really likes you and would love to take you out. The only thing stopping him is the Dr. Patient relationship. Ask HIM out. If he likes you, he will quickly accept your invitation. If he doesn’t, forget him, he is probably Gay. I mean SERIOUSLY, what guy can resist the TWINS… Good luck, I hope he bites.