A Letter to Myself From the Future

Image

 

Dear Sooz:

I am writing this letter with the hope that you will change your ways. Currently, I am living in an assisted living center in New York. At 75 years of age Sue, let me tell you, you have become a total wreck.

Gone are the days of wine, roses, and never ending sex. My brain has become a piece of mush; I was forced from my Upper East Side home, living once in the pinnacle of luxury, to the squalorish neighborhood I now reside filled with drugs, and the ever present smell of Urine.

The Midas Touch I once had is gone, squandered on gambling, drink, and sex. I write this to you hoping that you will indeed change the style of living you are now enjoying in excess. Dial it back to less partying, gambling, and intermittent sex with whomever you wish. Remember, your looks will NOT last forever, NOR will your brain if you continue along this path.

I ran into a friend of ours the other day, a Dr. Becca from DC, she has since retired of course and was here visiting our fair city while on vacation. She has remarried and now has 12 grandchildren. You and I on the other hand, have never married and have no children. Now living in Mexico, she has an estate where her children and some of her grandchildren live. They’re doing quite well.

Sooz, I don’t mean to scare you here, I’m just giving you a real look at what your life will be if you don’t make the necessary changes. Please Sooz, I beg you, currently, you are a successful, well off and happy person. Don’t let these vices bring you back into a world you dug so hard to get out of in the first place.

I love you my dear girl and would hate to think you will end up like me…Alone, penniless, and with nothing to live for. Take the necessary steps to bring your life back into order again. Make friends, get married, have kids before it’s too late, and of all else, be happy.

Your adoring self,

 Future Sooz

 

 

 

Dear Abby

Image

 

I thought I would do something a little different today and give you some REAL Dear Abby stories that never made it to print…For OBVIOUS reasons. I hope you enjoy these. I did.

 

Letters To Dear Abby

(Not Printed In Newspapers)

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  These two women go everywhere together and I’ve One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  Never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.  Do you think they could be Lebanese? — Curious.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust.  Why, he cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world.  I’ve seen it.  Now, how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years.  He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?  I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I think she is going through mental pause.

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service.  He’s the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: This is the second marriage for both of us.  And when my husband said “I Will” he knew very well he couldn’t.

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years.  We see each other every night.  He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage.  Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? — Gertie

Dear Gertie: I don’t know.  What’s he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money!  I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend.  Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow.  How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment?  He says he’s saving for a rainy day. — FORTY-YEARS HITCHED

DEAR Hitched: Tell him it’s raining!

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.  I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday.  What do you think he’d like — Carol

DEAR Carol: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? — KAY

DEAR Kay: Only if they don’t work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January.  Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl.  They said the baby was premature.  Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? — Wondering

DEAR Wondering: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.  Forget it!

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? — Curious

DEAR Curious: No, it’s the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? — Jake

DEAR Jake: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women.  Any suggestions? — Annie

DEAR Annie: Don’t worry.  My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it.  Any suggestions? — SAM IN CAL

DEAR Sam: Yes, Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? — TED

DEAR Ted: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve heard a lot about you?” — Rita

DEAR Rita: It depends on what you’ve heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. — ROSE

DEAR Rose: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? — BESS

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.