My Things to Do Before Xmas List

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  1. Get the Netherlands waxed—Hey…Ya never know right? My next door neighbor MIGHT just just be doin’ a little Xmas carolin’. Better to be BE PREPARED like a good little girl scout.

 

  1. Have a prepared list of curse words ready when I put up the Xmas lights.

 

  1. Get drunk and sit on Santa’s-LAP …Yeah, that’s it. Oh wait…That was 2 years ago….DAMN!!!

 

  1. Send sexually explicit photos of myself in a Santa suit to all my possible suitors.

 

  1. Light up the Yule Tide Log…OR, at LEAST someone’s log.

 

  1. Give Xmas bonuses to all my employees who so rightfully earned it…OOPS!!! Not THIS year you lazy bastards…I said “EARNED” it…

 

  1. I promise to SPREAD the Xmas joy this year, just as I have done in Seasons past. (Usually in a mini skirt and tube top)… SMILE, it’s Xmas.

 

  1. Hang the stockings of all those whom I made love with care for on my mantle.

 

  1. Say a non-denominational prayer for all those who are less fortunate than me. That’s pretty much everyone…Oh come ON…It was a JOKE!!!

 

  1. Wish ALL my friends and family a Very Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year…

 

 

 

Ten Things to Do When You’re Bored

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  • Get Drunk and Pee on your neighbors flowers
  • Apologize to neighbors AFTER the Cops show up
  • Go to Walmart and PRETEND to be a Greeter with a VERY THICK Accent
  • Apologize to Management when security comes
  • Visit a fire station and yell FIRE!!!!!!!
  • Once released from prison, apologize to the fire chief
  • Swim naked in neighbors pool…If cops show up, explain you are training for the Olympics
  • Fart in a crowed elevator, then turn and look at the person behind you waving your hands in front of your nose
  • Go into Victoria Secret and ask the clerk for a pair of sexy Flannel PJ’S
  • While waiting in a long line, tell people that you need to go first because you have to perform emergency surgery in ½ an hour

 

        Guess how many of these I’ve done and which ones. Hehehehehehe

        Until Later…

Sooz’s New Year’s Resolutions

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I will drink NO more—Than I NEED to get good and shitfaced.

No more drunken phone calls or texts—Unless…They NEED to be made. (They USUALLY) DO…

No writing about my SAD and SCREWED UP family life past—Unless I feel it will bring me high into the BUZZING LIST.

I resolve NEVER to smart talk another Blogger here…Oh DAMN…I’ve already just broken that one. NEXT!!!!!!!

No more running around NUDE at my office Christmas Parties. Well…OK…UNLESS I am really drunk…I mean, how OFTEN could THAT happen???

No more demoralizing Threesomes…DAMN…There’s ANOTHER one already broken. I guess I am just not GOOD at this LIST thingy.

I will remain calm and always take the high road when angry…Unless someone REALLY pisses me off.

No more getting DRUNK in public…I’m going for at LEAST a week here on that one.

If I DO get drunk in public, I will NOT get into a confrontation with the Police like the LAST time.

I will NOT become the WEDDING SLUT ONCE this year…If you are having a wedding and wanna invite me…You have my SOLEMN promise on this one. (Fingers Crossed).

Phew…That feels a lot better. I’m sure with a LOT of self will and determination; I will complete at least ONE of these. Last year I didn’t fulfill any. *SAD FACE*

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

50 Questions To Ask Your Crush To See If They’re Right For You

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I came across this article by Chrissy Stockton and I thought I would answer them and then pass them on to you.

1. What is one thing you will never do again?—Try and rob Fort Knox.

2. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy?—OK…I’m going with happy here, ONLY because I’m ALREADY smart though.

3. What happened the last time you cried?—My make-up ran all over my face. Next time, ask the correct question if you wanna know the circumstance surrounding the event. Just sayin’.

4. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something?—I was debating whether or not to tell a friend that her boyfriend was cheating on her.

5. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you?—That I am a Nymphomaniac.

6. What’s your worst habit?—Too much drinking.

7. What superpower would you have for one day?—The power of Clairvoyance. THEN, I would KNOW how you came up with some of these LAME questions.

8. What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on?—Wonder Woman…I LOVE her costume…*SMILES*

9. Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world?—In Never Land because there you NEVER grow old.

10. What is your most bizarre pet peeve?—Having someone tease me till I’m WET and then finishing the job.

11. Who knows you the best? My Aunt Carol…

12. What after school activities did you do in high school?—I was captain of our high school DRINKING Team.

13. What “most likely to” superlative would you be most honored to receive?— Most Likely to Communicate well with People….While Sober…

14. What’s the last book you really loved?—Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

15. What was the greatest television show of all time?—The Road Runner Cartoon…VERY CREATIVE…

16. What’s been your favorite age so far?—32…Can’t Say Why…Shhhhhhhhhhh….

17. If you could go back in time, what is one piece of advice you would give your younger self?—Stop and smell the roses once in a while…Work will STILL be there…

18. What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it?—Having children.

19. Apologize or ask permission?—Apologize—

20. Unlimited love or money?—Love—

21. If you knew you would die in one week, what would you do?—Make out a will and donate all my SEX toys to a good cause.

22. What’s your most listened to song?—Imagine.

23. Beach vacation or European vacation?—On a Beach in Europe…J

24. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at?—Either Music or a Dominatrix.

25. What’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?—Buy World Peace…There…Do I WIN Miss America now??????

26. What celebrity would you trade lives with?—None—I’m happy just the way I am…

27. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album?— Is That All There Is?

28. What story do your friends still give you crap about?—The one where I dated a Celebrity.

29. If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around?—Boy…We’re really scraping the bottom here huh? I would have to say Mustard.

30. What is the ideal number of people to have over on a Friday night?—As many as it takes to get me off.

31. What was the worst age you’ve been so far?—7…Father killed himself…

32. What is your weirdest deal breaker?—I FORGOT to have my team get BLUE jellybeans for a celebrity and she backed out….BI-ATCH…

33. What fictional character reminds you most of yourself?—Wonder Woman— I can do it all…

34. Do you believe in karma?—Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhhhhhh…

35. What was your favorite TV show as a kid?—Asked and answered…

36. What is the weirdest thing you find attractive in a person?—Massive Dicks and uneven Tits.

37. What Jeopardy! category would you clear, no problem?—Anything having to do with Sex.

38. What is something you’re superstitious about?—Breaking a mirror then being cut by it as I stagger out of the bathroom.

39. What is the scariest experience you have ever had?—Being lost in the desert by myself.

40. Who is a non-politician you wish would run for office?—ME—I would make a GREAT President (When I’m sober).

41. What cheesey song do you have memorized?—Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It’s Flavor on The Bedpost Over Night…Don’t ASK…

42. What one dead person would you most like to have dinner with, if it were possible?—Abraham Lincoln—He was SEXY…

43. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news?—In MY business, it’s a MUST…

44. What is the best present you’ve ever received?—Internet Flowers—

45. Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free wifi wherever you go, for the rest of your life?—SERIOUSLY???????? Am I drunk or did I just read that wrong???

46. What’s the first thing you’d do if you were the opposite sex for one day?—Masturbate—*SMILE*

47. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom?—It’s NEVER the amount of cost, it’s the thoughtfulness of the present.

48. What is the nicest thing someone could say about you?—I don’t KNOW…SAY SOMETHING…

49. Giant house in a subdivision or tiny house somewhere with a view?—Giant House in a subdivision…I’ll hang pictures if I want a view.

50. What is the weirdest quirk your family has?—Being smart asses….

OK—You’ve seen MY answers now let’s see If I’M compatible with YOU…Answer the questions and then send me your link…Heart throbbing here…Well…OK…It could be it’s just because I’m DRUNK too…*SMILE*

Until Later…

 

Things NOT To Do When I’m Angry

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10.  Text my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend–This can be cathartic, BUT, I also  fear I may wind up with a 25 to life charge on my record…

 9.  Cook–I may actually NEED all my fingers so I can text my Ex. later Hehehehe….

 8.  Drink—I have found this out TOO MANY times. Usually I’m drunk in about 10 min. THEN…I pass out BEFORE I can text my DAMN Ex…

 7.  Write a Blog—For SOME reason when I write while angry, I wind up apologizing to the entire blogging world later explaining WHY writing while naked is so FREEING…  

 6.  Have Sex—I am usually Soooooo angry that during sex my sexual energy tends to totally WEAR OUT my partner…They are NEVER the same after…

 5.  Exercise—OK…You CAUGHT me. The ONLY exercise I get is bending my arm taking shots….Ohhhhh and having continuous sex. TRY IT…It WORKS…

 4.  Hold Meetings—Yes…I have done this BUT…Just let me say that he DESERVED to be hung upside down naked and used as a dart board.

 3.  Drive—Sometimes I have the tendency to let off little steam and MAY drive a little fast. Seriously…Is 40 mph over the speed limit REALLY so bad??? It’s NOT like I’m doing it in a SCHOOL zone…

 2.  Talk to Relatives on the phone—This is a REALLY BAD idea. For Example: The other day I was talking to my cousin and told her to “Get outta bed, Lose the PIMP and turn the RED light off…………ROXANNE!!!

 1.  Go to a bar—This has been proven to be BAD. You might wake up like I did…On the POOL table, listening to a Stairway To Heaven, a note taped to my boob saying… “Thanks for a GREAT time Sooz, signed the bar patrons. P.S. You still owe Bubba 25 bones for the last game.” I REALLY hope that means DOLLARS…Yikes!!!

Until Later…

Ten Things NOT To Do If You Wanna Get Laid

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10.  Only having a four word vocabulary…Nuff said…

 9.  McDonalds is NOT a FINE dining restaurant…Just Sayin’.

 8.  Honking your horn to let her know you’re there.

 7.  Smelling like you just came from cleaning the fish market.

 6.  Dressing like you just came from a Woodstock Concert (Look it up)…J

 5.  Burger King and a Porn film does NOT count as dinner and a movie.

 4.  Trying to impress us with your BURPING prowess.

 3.  Talking about your MOTHER all the time while on the date…  

 2.  Listening to Gangsta RAP to “set the mood”.

 1.  Having your date ask you if you take CREDIT cards.

Until Later…

What If

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Yesterday I posted this fun little interactive survey and everyone has given me some GREAT answers to these questions…Thank you. As promised, I am now going to give you my answers. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed yours.

 

1.  What if: the sky really WAS falling?

 I would find Chicken Little, apologize for not believing him the first time and give him a high five. Then, I would well…Probably DIE,,,After all, the F**KING SKY is falling.

2.  What if: Pigs really COULD fly?

Seriously??? I would have to find an EXTREMELY well made umbrella to divert all the dropping Pig S**T from the already fallen sky.

3.  What if: Justin Bieber really COULD sing?

Well, I would say that we will be seeing everyone making SNOWMEN and ICE SKATING in HELL!!!

4.  What if: clothes were OPTIONAL in our Society?

Finally…I get to see me some FINE MALE/FEMALE ASS and some great looking TITS and HONKERS…Seriously, WHEN is this day coming???

5.  What if: there were never any Hangovers?

Are you KIDDING me, I would be drunk ALL the time…Oh WAIT…I already AM…Well, at LEAST I wouldn’t have any HANGOVERS…:)

6.  What if: Mary Poppins was a REAL Nanny?

I’d have her watch all my ILLEGITIMATE KIDS. Oh and have parties on the ceiling with Ed Wynn…

7.  What if: You won 200 million dollars in the lottery, what would you spend our money on?

CHARITY…Yeah RIGHT…I would blow it all on fast cars, Men/Women and Booze…Okay, maybe give a little to the Rainbow coalition…Nah…Definitely fast cars, men. women and booze.

8.  What if: You had a Genie, what would be your three wishes?

** See Number 7**

9.  What if: You had the answer to the question, What came first, the Chicken or the Egg?

I would be a goddess and rule all those who Didn’t KNOW…Plus…I’d probably be the richest chicken farming BITCH in all the world.

10. What if: The Green Lantern fought Wonder Woman, who would win and WHY?

Is there REALLY any DOUBT??? Wonder Woman has TITS….Green Lantern is MALE…DUH???

11. What if: There was a GOOD reason for writing this drivel, what would it be?

Making new friends, playing with the old ones, and generally just having a great time. 🙂 Thanks for playing…

Until Later…

10 Things I am NOT Going to do Today

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10.    Have lunch with Brad Pitt…Damn Angelina has him WRAPPED around her finger.

 9.     Play guitar with Eric Clapton…He’s having lunch with Brad Pitt.

 8.     Watch a Hockey game…Pension Funds??? Really??? Don’t they already make like a half BILLION dollars a year? Why can’t THEY invest it…Gheese…

 7.     Get Married…Hey….One of these days…Ya never know…

 6.     Get Drunk…OK…I lied about this one…Sue Me…

 5.     Climb Mt. Everest…Can’t today; I have a meeting tomorrow, maybe NEXT week.

 4.     Lay NAKED in my tub with a glass of wine and Coldplay blasting. Nah…I need a partner for that… Any TAKERS????

 3.     Do exotic BIRD calls…I’d LIKE to but I don’t KNOW any. SIGH…

 2.     Write a letter to a convict…I WOULD but all the GOOD ones are already taken.

1.      Have sex with at least 3 people…Come on…You REALLY didn’t think I could NOT do that did you? Who are you KIDDING? They are already HERE now…Again…Sue ME…:)

Until Later…

 

Ten Things Never To Say in Court

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10.)   I didn’t DO it your honor—
 
       They don’t CARE…You’re in court for God’s sake, they already
        BELIEVE you’re GUILTY…Otherwise, WHY would you be there?

9.)    You’re an ASSHOLE—

       Depending WHO you are saying this too will differ in punishment.
       To the bailiff, a fine, to the judge, jail time, to your
       ATTORNEY…RUN FOR IT. That suckers gonna BEAT your ass.

8.)    This is a KANGAROO COURT—

       This is BAD!!! By saying this, the judge may just have his WIFE
       come in and try you…NOW you’re screwed. His wife just LOVES
       Kangaroos.

7.)    This is a miscarriage of Justice—

        This only works in two cases…One…The Judge comes in Drunk, or
        Two, The jury are ALL over 80 and can’t hear what you are
        Saying.

6.)     500.00 dollars for a FU**ING SPEEDING Ticket???

        Here again an unwise move. The judge doesn’t CARE if you
        Agree with him or not, speaking up will just double your fine.
        Better to just pay the fine and have the other 500.00 left for
        The Strip Club.

5.)     Calling the Defendant a F**King Lier—

        This just makes you look STUPID. The judge will handle it and
        See WHO is telling the truth, UNLESS of course you are BOTH
        Full of S**T.

4.)     I’m sorry you Honor…I see your lips move but I don’t hear you
        SAYING ANYTHING!!!

        Once again the Judge MAY become perturbed, and have the
        Bailiff escort you out, and kick the S**T out of you.

3.)     Is this trial gonna last ALL day???

        Remember…Patience is a virtue…Keep your DAMN mouth SHUT!!!!

 2.)    With uplifted hand… “May I go to the little girls room now“???

         How OLD are you anyway??? Hold it for PETES sake…Put that
         Hand DOWN girl. Cross your legs like we ALL do.

1.)      But the verdict is WRONG your Honor—

         Too bad kiddo…You’re screwed, blued, and tattooed. Cry all ya
         want…It’s YOUR time now. The BIG house is just around the
         Corner. Get USED to it. DAMN crybaby…

 

        Until later…

List Time

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For those of you who know me, you probably know at least 2 things I’m addicted to. Well…Counting the Internet and certainly with Chocolate, maybe 4 things.

The first thing of course is Vodka. Although ADDICTION may be a bit strong. I prefer to call it “Hopefully Helpless Habit For Habitual Imbibers” There…Doesn’t that sound much more pleasant? The second thing is responding to and answering questions from ANY list that happens my way.

I was doing sooo well too UNTIL I came across…Yup, you guessed it a LIST from someone’s Blog. Helplessly I was dragged back into this horrible obsessive addiction, and so, with my best friends  Jack Daniels, Mr. Smirnoff, and Jose Cuervo, I give you “The List”…

Name your top three pet peeves–

1. Watching someone SMILE after they just farted without saying excuse me.

2. Being FORCED to watch the presidential debates or National Conventions because Grey’s Anatony is being Pre-empted.

3. Being locked in a closet with Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking discussing Physics when all I wanna talk about is buying some new shoes.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up and the last thing before you go to bed?

Pee, then drink some Vodka…No No…That isn’t right, I drink some Vodka FIRST then pee. At night, I crawl to bed then pee, not ALWAYS in that order though.

How do you celebrate Columbus Day?

Usually with a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka. Oh…and I TOAST Columbus of course…

Describe your perfect Sunday morning.

 Wake up LATE, drink all day, pass out drunk until the work week begins.

How much time, on an average day, do you spend on the internet?

Depends on when I get HOME and how much I’ve had to drink.

If you were forced to wear one outfit over and over again, what would it be?  

My Birthday Suit!!!

Name one thing you need to stop doing.

Getting so Drunk that I forget WHO I’ve had SEX with.

What’s your favorite month of the year? Why?

I Love the Winter time because the temperature is well below 140 degrees by then.

Reality TV: trash or treasure?

Jerry Springer—TRASH…Dancing With The Stars—Treasure…

Until Later…