Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

Once upon a time, in a far away land a long time ago, there lived a beautiful red haired vixen named Sooz. Hey…It’s MY story damnit. A poor child, she lived with her Aunt, as her father and mother had been HEINOUSLY eaten by GIANTS.** NO…NOT giant ANTS….GIANTS…** PAY ATTENTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day while quietly getting drunk in her local pub, a man came up to Sooz and started chatting her up. He said that he was a magician and that he had something to sell her. Sooz, half in the bag now, just replied, “ Listen, if you’re a F**KING magician, then just DISAPPEAR and leave me the HELL alone.”

The man persisted and after buying her 6 more drinks, she finally smiled drunkenly and said, “OK look, if I buy what you’re selling, will you leave me the HELL alone?” He agreed, held out his hand and gave her a bean. “This is IT”, she replied, but the magician smiled and said it was a MAGIC bean, and with that, disappeared into a puff of smoke.

She finished her drink, staggered home, and slept off the events of the day. The next morning, she picked up the bean, went outside, and planted it in her garden. OK…I might be embellishing a little here but WORK WITH ME.

Within minutes the ground started to rumble and shake like a volcano was forming under her feet. Remembering the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, she waited and waited but nothing happened. It had JUST been an Earthquake after all… Disappointed, she went BACK into the house, poured herself several Vodka and Cranberry juices until she passed out.

The moral of the story here people is: Never buy ANYTHING from somebody when you’re drunk…

Until Later…