Sexy Tuesday Poetry-Summer Love


Speak to me, oh winds of Summers glory,
Let me mark this breath upon my bosom.
Feel my skin, as soft as velvet,
And let thy lips caress my gentle body.

Your smile speaks volumes upon my wanton heart,
While your eyes caress my very soul.
Make me NOT beg for thy loving touch,
Yet, devour me, as the bird does the seed.

My love is steadfast and true, my darling,
And my heart doth beat like a child, who awaits a Christmas morn.
Take me in your arms, love me like no other,
And forever, let me remain within your sweet embrace.

Wicked Wednesday—The Way To A Man’s Heart—


Contrary to popular belief, the way to a man’s heart is NOT through his stomach, it’s BANGING the living HELL out of his dick until he is too crippled to walk.

Yes…I know, this is coarse and tactless, BUT, it’s true. Men are horny little bastards, just ask them. Sure a good meal may get them in the mood but bottom line, (USUALLY YOURS), they want HOT, SWEATY, STEAMY, SLUTTY SEX.

OK…Not every man wants slutty sex BUT, the word SEX is ALWAYS imbedded in their minds. Is that wrong??? NO… It’s just how they are wired. Nature has made men the hunters, and us the providers.

Men have a natural and instinctual NEED to procreate the race. It’s what they were designed for. Women on the other hand were born to have babies and provide for our families. YES…I realize I sound like I am enlisting an idea that is thousands of years old but…It’s true.

Now, does that mean that we aren’t supposed to like sex, HELL NO, we just have to be AWARE of our own sexuality. For years, we were taught to play with dolls, be passive and attentive towards our men.

Of course we can still do that today; we just have to realize that men and women should be equal partners in the game of life. We should accept our bodies as men do. If we want SEX…We should HAVE it. We’re entitled to it.  See, it says so right here in paragraph 659 section 25 of the woman’s handbook on…Oh never mind…JUST DO IT ALREADY…

The point I am trying to make here is that Men WANT sex. Men NEED sex. Sex is what builds good relationships (initially), after that, you have to work at it the old fashion way, with good communication skills with and the ability to say I WAS WRONG. I realize this is hard for us since we hardly ARE EVER wrong but every once in a blue moon…

So…There you have it, the way to a man’s heart is through good sex. Yeah, all that other Psycho babble has to be there too of course, but hey, get the ball, (or should I saw balls), rolling and get ‘er done.

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I have a problem I hope you can help me with. Every time my boyfriend and I make love, he HUMS Yankee Doodle. It was OK the FIRST 100 times, but NOW it’s getting VERY annoying. I love my boyfriend and would HATE to hurt his feelings. What can I do?

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Dear Yankee Doodle:

I can certainly understand why that would be annoying. Does he at least hum it ON KEY, and, IS he a good lover? Now…IF he is a good lover and you want to continue making love with him, try what I’m going to recommend. Pick a song that is SO annoying No One on God’s Green Earth could stand it. I can recommend a couple.

 First try ANY Justin Bieber song. IF, (For some unknown reason) he happens to be a fan, I would SERIOUSLY rethink your relationship. No one who TRULY likes Justin Bieber is mature enough to be in ANY kind of a relationship.

If THAT doesn’t work, try humming Row Row Row Your Boat OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER. UNLESS he is a TROGLODYTE (Great word Right), he should get the idea and SHUT THE HELL UP. If NEITHER of these things work, odds are you are better off DUMPING his SORRY ASS. My guess is that he probably doesn’t even have the brainpower of a Flea. Good Luck!

Dear Sooz:

Every night right after my girlfriend and I make love, she IMMEDIATELY falls asleep and starts SNORING. She is VERY loud and it sounds like DYNAMITE going off in my ears. What should I do?

Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless:

As I see it in my infinite wisdom, you have THREE alternatives.

1. Keep her awake ALL night by placing tiny pins in the mattress on HER side of the bed pricking side upwards. This way you should be able to sleep just fine.

2. Tell her lazy, thoughtless little ASS to go to an Ear Nose and Throat Dr. She probable has a severe DEVIATED SEPTUM and needs surgery. Tell her it’s YOUR way or the Highway.

3. Sleep in different TOWNS. This MAY place a slight damper on your relationship but HEY…You’ll be getting all the sleep you need.

Good Luck!!!

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:


I am so distraught, my boyfriend and I were making love last night and, well, his “Flagpole” wouldn’t “Stand at Attention”.  I LOVE sex and am very concerned. What shall I do?

Hot to Trot

Dear Hot to Trot:

First off, if you used these expressions with your boyfriend, then STOP!!! Men have a STRONG aversion to MILITARY terms like FLAGPOLE and STAND at ATTENTION. It reminds them they MIGHT be drafted and shipped out. His “Limp Dick” condition could just be aggravated by talking about such things. I suggest you tone these down by using these terms instead.

1. Useless Snake
2. Flaccid Fellow
3. Worthless Piece of Meat

Now, that being said, USUALLY this “Silly Putty” condition is Psychological. UNLESS your boyfriend is on enough pain meds, or blood pressure medication to bring down an ELEPHANT IN HEAT, you need to do what I’m going to suggest.

Sit your boyfriend down, take off his pants, and become eye level with his Dingleberry. Talk directly AT his member while softly stroking his Balls. Tell MR. Flaccid Stick that you love him and that he shouldn’t worry about this happening. Tell him that this DOES happen to most men at one time or another.

As you talk, Start to stroke MR. Happy and keep saying that it’s OK, and that Mamma is going to give him a little one on one attention. Blow on his Balls now and keep stroking Mr. Happy. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with the results. Mr. Happy should now REGAIN his firmness as you sweet talk him like a SNAKE CHARMER watches his snake become like a hardned rope. If this DOESN’T work, Dump his WORTHLESS ASS like a HOT potato and find someone ELSE who can Satisfy you.

Dear Sooz:


My girlfriend and I really love each other but we have different feelings about sex. She, wants to have sex until the COWS come home 24/7. I, on the other hand, am LESS sexually excited unless I’m DRUNK or am wined and dined first. How can we get on the same page here?

Drunk in Denver:

Dear Drunk:

I can TOTALLY understand your concerns. Making Love schedules are DIFFERENT for everyone. I suggest one of TWO things:

1. Make sure the COWS are already HOME and in the Barn when you are not sexually aroused.

2. Pig out and stay DRUNK most of the time.

Both of these suggestions should work for you. Pick one and you will recharge your once different scheduled Love Making routine.

Until Later…

It’s All In Your Head

How many times has this happened to you? First of all, let me set the stage. You have the radio on while you’re in bed making passionate love to your man, woman, or BOTH. You hear a song that you haven’t heard in a longtime and all of a sudden, without even thinking about it, you start HUMMING.

  Jimmy Crack Corn and I don’t care

Your partner/partners carry on while YOU’RE humming until THEY start to hum. NOW, the passionate lovemaking turns into a HOOTENANNY.
Why do our brains DO this? The ANSWER of course is simple. They are just showing off. Yup, that’s right, your brain wants you to know that IT is the superior force, NOT your body. Damn show off brain.

Here’s another one. You are a creature of habit right, most of us are, and you ALWAYS put your keys in the same place when you come into the house. SURE, you might have been just a TAD bit WASTED when you came home from the bar last night, but STILL, you ALWAYS put your keys in the same place. Well…Guess what, you go to run an errand the next day and NO KEYS!!! WTF???

                      How Dry I Am
Image                      Hello!!! Keys???

You guessed it, the old brain is playin’ tricks on you again. No matter HOW hard you try and how many times you searched in the STANDARD place, they are NOT there.

 Finally, you sit down while crying from frustration, you come to a conclusion. Someone STOLE them. You actually START to BELIEVE in GREMLINS. Maybe THEY took them. Again though, this is just the handy work of the old brain, trying to pawn the responsibility off on some else and NOT your DRUNK self. I mean it just COULDN’T have been been  YOUR fault.   

Last but not least is the famous “What’s My Name” game. OK…I must admit, I have a pretty good memory BUT, occasionally, I forget peoples names. It is Sooo embarrassing. Has the name loss game ever happened to you?  Usually, when this happens, you just stand there with your hand shaking theirs and just SMILE. It appears that if we just SMILE long enough, and with a wide toothy eyed grin we will be rewarded by remembering the person’s name. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Even Will Rogers, famous 20th. Century humorist made light of memory loss when he met the President of the United States. He held out his hand to greet the President and quipped, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch the name.” Just goes to show ya that the Brain is the ultimate SMART ASS and as I said above… It’s all in your head.

Until Later…