The Love Letter Every Gal Yearns to Receive

Image

Since I’m the one writing this, THIS letter will be to ME from my handsome and romantic Prince.

My Darling Sooz:

While we just parted not but an hour ago, I am no longer able to contain myself. Your beauty possesses my every thought, and the necessity to express my love has overcome my Human senses. I am but a humble servant in your love dearest, you command my heart, and have been forever embedded within my soul.

Your smile radiates like the sun itself, sending me into a hypnotic state so deep, not even the depths of the Oceans could compare. You have forever changed my life.

I cherish all there is about you, the smile that could silence a million fold;  those lips, red as Rubies, and luscious as the day is long, your eyes, Green as  Summer grass after being kissed by the morning dew, and fiery red locks that sets off a beauty possessed only by a goddess.

Saying I long to caress your velvet skin and kiss those silky lips doesn’t does NOT my rhetoric justice. I NEED to engulf you, I LUST for thy sweet countenance. Deny me not my love, for your love is like my bread of Life. I must possess it daily to satisfy my heart’s desire, and my body’s hunger.

Be gentle with me my love, I am but a man, a man who has lost his will to live without your attentiveness. Know that I love you beyond the stars, and that I patiently await for the time our souls may touch.

Your humble and loving servant,

Prince Charming

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a little embarrassed as I write this. About 8 months ago I went to my 10th high school reunion. My husband didn’t want to go so he said “Go and have a good time”. These were famous last words.
Now Sooz, I was never a ravishing, popular,  cheerleader type in high school, although I wasn’t a wall flower either. When I got there I saw many of my old friends. One of these was Nancy who always used to hang out with me.

 

I hadn’t seen her in years and I found out that she wasn’t married and had a wonderful job as an editor for a major publishing house. Well, We got to talking, drinking, laughing, and just had a wonderful time.  Here’s the problem, both of us got very drunk and when we were leaving, Nancy said what a wonderful time she had and then leaned in and gave me a sensuous kiss. She said, “We should get together for lunch sometime.”

 

Not giving it a second thought, I said, “sure” and got her number. Therein started the problem. We met for lunch a week later and she explained that she had always had a crush on me. I was dumbfounded but felt good about it at the same time.

 

Nancy kept brushing against my hand through lunch but I thought nothing of it.. After lunch, she invited me back to her place to see her house. I said sure so we went back to her house.
Sooz, we had a few drinks, and Nancy once again leaned in and kissed me. This time I kissed her back and then things started to heat up from there. Two hours later, I made my apologies, got dressed, and headed for home.

 

I felt so guilty. I wondered if secretly I was a Lesbian. Nancy has been calling me to do things but I am afraid that I will get caught up in her web and repeat what happened before. How can I keep her as a friend but stay away from the sex part?
I really need your help here.

Conflicted Kathy

Dear Conflicted:

It sounds like the drinking may have had a lot to do with it. Does this mean you’re a Lesbian…No! You MAY have Lesbian tendencies or possibly even be Bi-Sexual but, you can’t really tell by just one encounter, especially if you are happy with your husband.

I really don’t see a way to save your friendship with her. You admitted that she has always had a crush on you and clearly enough, Nancy IS a Lesbian. I recommend that you call her and j say that you made a mistake and that you can not risk losing your family.
Explain that what you had was fun but that it can’t happen again. Wish her well and then bid her good-by. I sincerely hope this works out for you.

What She Says VS What He Hears

Image

 

Relationships are complicated; they are filled with the ups and downs of everyday life, so how in HELL do we survive them? The answer IS….Who the Hell knows, if I did, I’d me married now with about 21 kids.

I have been in several relationships over my 41 years and I must say I THINK I have figured it out. What *I* SAY is NOT what he HEARS. It’s TRUE; it reminds me of the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I’ll give you a few examples:

Women: “Let’s go out to dinner tonight”.

Men:    “Oh GOOD, she wants to get drunk so I can have my way with her.”

Women: “You look nice in those Jeans.”

Men:     “Soooo, You wanna see more of my manhood eh?”

Women:  “Isn’t the fire romantic?”

Men:      “She’s got the HOTS for me, I’m gonna get LUCKY tonight.”

 

Obviously, there some OTHER little ditties also like:

 

Women:   “Will you take out the trash please?”

Men:       “If I do this for YOU, will I get some ACTION later?”

                                       OR        

Women:    “I’m not feeling well, I’m gonna lay down.”

Men:        “Let me lay down WITH you, MAYBE I can arouse her.”

Now, obviously these have all been pretty much about how men want Sex. Well…The truth IS…THEY DO!!! Their minds are wired to procreate, just as OURS are to buy new shoes weekly (OK, That’s just me but I’m sure there are others out there who do the same thing).

Am I saying that wanting Sex all the time is a BAD thing? No, all I am saying is that WE are wired differently. When we say we’re TIRED, USUALLY, it MEANS we’re tired. It does NOT mean that we want you fiddling around with our Lady parts while we’re sleeping.

Will this difference in the way Men and Women think ever change, probably not; all we ask is that you be a little more sensitive towards our feelings. If you ARE, you JUST might be rewarded handsomely…

Until Later…

 

The Four Stages of Stupidity When Dating

Image

 Before I begin writing this, let me just say that this piece applies to both Men AND Women. When we date we always like to put our best foot forward. This way, we can impress our date and hopefully will get another. SOMETIMES, however, we fall into one of the pitfalls. I call these, Stages of Stupidity; here we only take our foot OUT of our mouth to CHANGE feet.

The Time Delay—People, this is such a common stage of stupidity and can EASILY be avoided. Your date says he will pick you up at 8:00 and never gets there until 8:45. Now unless he was involved in an accident with a Tractor Trailer and had BOTH his freakin’ HANDS severed, he BETTER get on that phone and call you.

Hint:…Guys, don’t under ANY circumstances say you were late because your buddies at the bar just wouldn’t let you go. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make sure you have a GOOD excuse, even MAKE ONE up if necessary to account for your lateness. A good one is: “ My glasses broke and I had to get a prescription WINDSHIELD installed in my car”… Girls…The same goes for you, if you are supposed to ready by 8:00, then BE READY. NOTHING will keep him from being upset UNLESS you walk down the stairs to greet him NAKED and then take him back to your bedroom. I have had to do this on SEVERAL occasions. SHEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting TOO Drunk to Have Sex—NOBODY likes a sloppy drunk…Well, unless you happen to be a serial rapist and then it actually could work in your favor. BOTH parties should drink JUST enough to STILL be able to perform when your date is over…Drink RESPONSIBLY; it’s in BOTH of your interests.

Not Being Able to Carry a Conversation—If ya can’t communicate, you’re NOT getting laid. Nuff said. If either of you are scaredy cats or are too shy to talk, take a speech class, read the newspaper, get a hobby, ANYTHING that will help stimulate a back and forth conversation. There is nothing worse than just staring at your date for 2 hours over a silent dinner. Learn some jokes; ask open ended questions like, “What do you think about String Theory, or say Elementary Particles?” This should REALLY get the conversation jumpin’ and ensure you get a little booty later.

The Goodnight Kiss—OK…This tops the height of stupidity in the first date category. Many guys AND girls are too shy to give up a little tongue action on the first date. Hell, I’ve been with guys that wanted to just shake my hand…SERIOUSLY??????

If we’ve had a good time with you, and or are a little drunk, we WANT to get a little goodnight kiss (or better).?!! Guys, all ya have to do is just lean in, hold our head in your hands and KISS us. Now, DON’T put your tongue immediately down our throats, work up to it. Tell us how great we are, that you would love to see us again etc. THEN…Don’t be shy, give us a little lovin’.

Unless you were REALLY boring or we just had a lousy time, we WANT and EXPECT it. If we DON’T get one, we start questioning our own femininity. Girls, if you want one and he is too shy, GRAB the bull by the horns and just dive in there, after all it IS 2013. By giving and or getting a goodnight kiss, we will be ready and willing to try it again so DON’T be shy.

By eliminating these four awkward stages of stupidity, you will find that the dating experience once again can be a pleasurable and STIMULATING scene.

Until Later…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Relationships

Image

So today I wanted to spend little time talking about relationships. Let’s review the differences in age.

 For example, in his 20’s, a guy wants to do nothing else but have sex. He will see a girl and say, “Damn…I have got to get that girl and take her back to my love nest. We can make love and THEN get something to eat.”

In his 50’s, he STILL wants to have sex, but FIRST…He wants to grab a snack.

In his 60’s and 70’s, he still WANTS sex BUT… Only when he can REMEMBER where his PENIS IS…

The irony is, as women, WE get more interested in sex as we age. For example, in our 20’s, we WANT sex but are too afraid to have the experience.

In our 30’s, we CRAVE sex and do want ever it takes to get it. This includes sexy dancing, dressing slutty, AND we’re not even ashamed to DRAG you into a secluded space and rip your clothes off. Trust me guys…We’ll get to out 30’s soon…

In out 40’s and 50’s, we are still going strong even though YOU are thinking more about watching football and stuffing your faces. It is NOW up to us to initiate love making as you are generally more interested in sleeping.

In OUR 60’s and 70’s we are now through menopause and ready to rock and roll. We will REMIND you where your DICKS are and WHAT they’re USED for. In general, after our 30’s there is just no STOPPING us.

OK…Sure, it may have to be under certain conditions like…We have to be perfectly clean, well-rested, half in the BAG, AND only on a Saturday night between 9:15 and 9:18 BUT…When THAT happens, we are TIGERS.

More on relationships later, but this will give you a small idea of what to look forward to. For now, I bid you adieu.

Until Later…

 

 

Ten Things Men Wished Women WOULDN’T Do

Image

 

 10. Write a blog about 10 things Women wished GUY’S knew about SEX.

9.   Ask them questions that have no REAL answer so they get into trouble.

8.   Bitch about that they NEVER ask for directions. (Even though they DON’T)…Oh wait….Was THAT considered BITCHING????????????

7.   Talk till Men’s EARS fall off.

6.   Make them hold our Purses.

5.   Send them to the store to buy our “Female” Products…

4.   Change the TV channel to Dancing With The Stars when THEY are watching something FRIVOLOUS like SPORTS.

3.   Name our cars ( What’s wrong with THAT??? )

2.   Nag… Nag… Nag…WHAT??? ( Looks the other way )…

1.   Bitch that all men want is ONE thing…………….BEER……….Got ya with that one didn’t I…Hehehehehe…

Until Later…

 

Ten Tings Women Wished Guy’s Knew About Sex

Image

 

Over the years I have always though about how different men and women are in their ways of love making. I have come up with a list of ten things I believe all women wished guys knew. Hope you enjoy them.

10. How to find our G spots—YES guys, we DO have them, you just have to do your research and have a little practice at it…WE’LL WAIT…

9.  We LOVE to cuddle after we make love—Turning over and starting to snore makes us feel like we are being used…GET with the program…

8.  We like to have our ENGINES STARTED before we just go for the Green Flag. Take some time with us and then we will be like Tigers.

7.   Flowers and candy are NICE, but, making us dinner once in a while and then doing the dishes is EVEN BETTER…WINK WINK…

6.   TALK to us FIRST—I know, I know this is NOT in your wheelhouse, BUT, give it a TRY…IT WORKS…

5.   Don’t just ASSUME you KNOW how to turn us on, ASK and YE shall be ANSWERED…With PLEASURE…

4.   Slam, Bam, Thank You Mam is NOT the way to win us over…Tease us first. Send us Sextexts, remind us how you can’t wait to see us again, make sure you tell us you love us… OFTEN.

3.   Sometimes we are just NOT in the mood…DON’T PUSH IT BOZO…

2.   OK…This may be just a pet peeve of MINE but…at 4 AM, unless I am passed out DRUNK, don’t be pushing Mr. Happy up my Who HA…SLEEP once in a while WILL ya…Just sayin’.

1.   Don’t come home drunk from your poker game with the boys and EXPECT SEX…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….NOT GONNA HAPPEN…

These were NOT meant to put you guys DOWN….Just giving you some “FRIENDLY” life lessons about us women…Smiles Sexily…

Until Later…

 

Signs That There MIGHT be Trouble in Paradise

Image

1.   Your husband hangs a sign on your bedroom door “Do NOT Disturb” when you get ready for bed.

2.   He brings his drunken girlfriend home for dinner.

3.   You hear a ticking noise under the hood of your car.

4.   You start using your THONGS as slingshots aimed at his head.

5.   He stays out all night, comes home smelling like cheap perfume, and using the excuse his NEW car broke down AGAIN for the 3rd. time this week.

6.   He has to WORK late every night this week…He’s a LIFEGUARD…

7.   His phone is password protected in 47 languages.

8.   He goes to the JIM every day. WTF????

9.   He hugs your dog and calls her CYNDI…Your dog’s name is ARFIE…

10.  He plans a vacation in Vegas for the two of you…”THINK ABOUT IT”…:)

Until later…

Just Ask Sooz

Image

Dear Sooz:

I am a 25 year old woman who has a serious problem. My boyfriend of three years has never once been intimate with me. Oh he will hold my hand, kiss me, and even feel my boobs, yet he has never once asked to well, you know, make love with me.

He is very sweet to me, buys me gifts, takes me to dinners and movies etc, but he never seems to want me. I have asked him about this and he says that he does love me and when the time is “right” he will do so. He is 31 and neither of us has ever been married.

I have normal sexual desires and urges Sooz, I really want to act on them but I just can’t seem to get him motivated. I am a reasonably attractive woman and I enjoy the closeness of our relationship but I want more, any suggestions?

Hot in Hawaii

 

Dear Hot in Hawaii:

OMG??? Are you freakin’ KIDDING me??? 3 YEARS??? Honey, I don’t know HOW the Sweet Dejesus you have EVER made it this long…By NOW, I would have F**KED everything from Animal, Mineral, or Vegetable, and STILL wanted more…

Are you sure he isn’t gay? Is he always impeccably dressed, does he hum show tunes, Love to shop, or say things like: “I just Luuuuuve your window treatments?” If he does ANY of these things, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN……!!! SERIOUSLY…3 YEARS???? WTF!!!

Baby doll, if he hasn’t moved Mr. Happy out of his pants and into a “warmer” environment in 3 years there is DEFINITELY something wrong with him. Get the HELL outta there before you get any older and shrivel your WHO HA up FOREVER. Seriously, there is something wrong here honey, break it off and find someone who not only loves you but gives your BODY the attention that it so desperately CRAVES… 3 YEARS??? SERIOUSLY??? Makes the sign of the cross over WHO HA area…Sometimes we just have to make the difficult decisions, THIS is one of them. Good luck…

Ten Things NOT To Do If You Wanna Get Laid

Image

10.  Only having a four word vocabulary…Nuff said…

 9.  McDonalds is NOT a FINE dining restaurant…Just Sayin’.

 8.  Honking your horn to let her know you’re there.

 7.  Smelling like you just came from cleaning the fish market.

 6.  Dressing like you just came from a Woodstock Concert (Look it up)…J

 5.  Burger King and a Porn film does NOT count as dinner and a movie.

 4.  Trying to impress us with your BURPING prowess.

 3.  Talking about your MOTHER all the time while on the date…  

 2.  Listening to Gangsta RAP to “set the mood”.

 1.  Having your date ask you if you take CREDIT cards.

Until Later…