Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I need your help. I realize you are not a licensed psychologist, but I read you all the time and have come to like your advice. Here is my problem, my husband’s mother lives with us and she is a real bitch for lack of a better word.

She is only 55 Sooz, she is on disability from an arm problem she suffered at work, and my husband invited her to stay with us while she was recuperating. Let me point out that he did “not” ask me when he did this and she has been “healing” now for 8 months.

The woman s a nagger Sooz, she criticizes how I take care of the house, what I cook, even the clothes I wear. Like I said, she’s a bitch. She has her own house, and I feel it is time she got re-acquainted with it.

Am I being selfish, or am I right? She has finally gotten on my last nerve Sooz; I am about ready to blow. My husband is a Mamma’s boy so I am gonna have to tell her, any suggestions?

Seeing Red in Ohio

 

Dear Seeing Red in Ohio:

Wow, from the way you describe her, she sounds like a bitch on steroids. With someone like this, BLUNTNESS is usually the only thing that works. There is NO mollycoddling, kick the bitch OUT!!! Explain to her that you “FEEL” it would be better if she goes back to her home now as she is driving you crazy.

Tell her you know she means well, but, she is starting to upset the family dynamic. Afterwards, pick a date, invite her for dinner, offer to go shopping with her, but, just GET HER the HELL OUT!!!

Tell your husband beforehand obviously, and MAKE him understand that while she MAY be a nice person, she is upsetting to you. Odds are he grew up with her so he KNOWS how she can be. Good luck, hope this helps to restore your peace of mind.

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I want to vent about my mother-in-law, she is a real pill Sooz. Let me just say that I am always nice to her; I hold no ill will towards her, and yet, she treats me like a servant girl. I even have invited her to lunch to talk about it but she speaks in three word sentences.

I have asked my husband but he says that it is just my imagination and that I shouldn’t worry about it, but I do. I’ll give you an example, at Thanksgiving, I told her that I would make the turkey and that she could bring what ever else she wanted, not bad, right?

Well, let me tell you, she showed up with an already cooked bird and all the other trimmings. She said that her son only likes it cooked a certain way and that he was used to having her cooking. I just withered away in the background as not start a fight while my husband was there.

I was pissed Sooz, and when I told my husband about it, all he said was that was just her way. I got no support at all. What, if anything, can I do to correct this situation?
Surf in a Turf Land

Dear Surf:

It appears as though mommy just doesn’t want to give up her baby boy. She still sees him as an infant, taking care of him, and doing everything for him.She is reluctant to give up her FREAKIN’ control. First, I would go to your husband and say: “Look SLICK, either YOU stand up to your mother or I will.” Tell him that you would hate to see her all burned from an “accidental” FLAME THROWER incident.

Let him know in NO uncertain terms that you are HIS wife and as such, he should support you 100%. Explain that YOU are a nice person dammit and you DESERVE to be treated accordingly. It is HIS responsibility to take the lead on this one. Follow it up and make sure that your mamma’s boy does it. If he doesn’t, there is always the FLAME THROWER idea.

Good Luck…

The Afterlife Ooooooooowww

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I read a writing prompt from Writers Digest with this topic and I thought…Hey…What the Hell…

People are always wondering about the afterlife right, IS there one, do we come back as animals, or insects, is there really BEER in Heaven, all these things that we NEED to know.

Well, I still can’t answer any of these questions, although I sincerely HOPE that there IS beer; I know….I know… the song says… In Heaven There Ain’t No Beer, but I’m still hopin’.  Anyway, I thought I would give you MY rendition of EXACTLY what happens once we cross over into that big scary beyond.

Now, of course for all you devoted Atheists out there this may be a boring read as you believe that NOTHING happens, you die, Batta Bing…Batta Boom…Finis… Well, I’m asking you to use your imagination as I am here and just play along with me.

So…here’s what I think happens. You “buy the farm”, (Gotta do that first right), and then you walk through a long ass tunnel with a light at the end of it ‘cause that’s what’s supposed to happen. NOPE…No  St. Peter or pearly gates, you get there and you’re welcomed by a guide, some think it’s your wife, husband, or significant other, but I think you are greeted by a more nondescript guide like Homer Simpson.

He takes you around showing you all the wonders of Heaven like the Spa, the Pool Room, the 18 Hole Golf course, tennis courts, the massive banquet hall, and THEN…he takes you to the bar. Oh YES!!! There IS alcohol in Heaven…Now of course if you DON’T drink, you can have any number of assorted sodas or Virgin beverages. OK….I KNOW what you’re thinking…Hey, you’re dead, you’re a spirit now, you don’t eat or drink…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While it’s true you don’t HAVE to eat or drink, if you enjoyed these pleasures in life, you can enjoy them in Heaven…So OWWWWW!!!!!

Next, he shows you to your quarters—WOW!!! A 15 bedroom suite, just in case you wanna have Angels over. I mean this place is opulent, crystal chandeliers, more bathrooms than you could EVER use, Gold appliances, and the finest crystal glasses and settings Angels could make…Did I mention servants…Oh yes, all the servants you have wait on you hand and foot. They are all the people who treated YOU mean in life. Ex. Your Mother-in-Law is the floor washer, your ex-wife or husband is the chauffeur, the people who never invited you over for New Year’s Eve, they’re your gardeners. This is THEIR HELL for eternity…SWEET!!!!!! Just shows ya that turn about is fair play…

I could go on and on here but it might get too long and boring after a while so I’ll leave you with this thought…”Now you know why people are just “DYING” to get here” …OK….I’ll stop now….

Until Later…

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I am 34, lesbian and I need your help. My girlfriend of 12 years has just told me that she is pregnant. I just can’t believe it. After 12 years of love and devotion she tells me that it was a mistake. She says she went out with her friends from work one night and it just happened. She says she still loves me and that she wants to have this child and raise it with me. What shall I do I am so torn.

Motherless Child

 

Dear Child:

The thing is, if she is a lesbian than HOW the HELL did this happen. Oh never mind, of course I KNOW how it happened, I just don’t understand WHY. Are you sure that your girlfriend is a true lesbian and not Bi? I mean what would happen if she does this AGAIN? I believe if I were you I would just cut my losses and let HER figure this out. I believe if she truly loved you she would not ALLOWED herself to get into this situation. Yes, people make mistakes but I am not so sure that this was just an HONEST mistake.

Tell this two timing hussy to “Hit the Road Jackie” and just keep on movin’. I would suggest counseling here but I don’t really believe it would help. I truly believe she may be Bi and do this again, just my opinion. I wish you the best of luck, this is a hard one.

 

Dear Sooz:

Let me just start out by saying that I dislike my Mother in Law to the absolute last degree possible. She is a controlling, egotistical, demanding Bitch. I said it this way because I didn’t want to put her in a totally bad light. I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t cook well enough, clean well enough, hell, I can’t even keep my husband satisfied according to her. I really love my husband but she is getting on my last nerve. What can I do?

Maniacal Mother in Law Murderess in Wait

 

Dear Maniacal:

 

So from what I’m hearing, you DON’T like your Mother In Law, Is that a fair statement? It’s a shame really, sometime you get a good one and sometimes you get a BITCH. Here’s what you do, take her to lunch and explain to her that you are married to her SON. Explain to her that her SON worships the ground that you walk on.

While you May not be the best cleaner or cook, you sure as HELL can ROCK HIS WORLD and he LOVES every FREAKIN’ minute of it too. Explain to her that it is her SON you are trying to please NOT her.

Very gently tell her that if she doesn’t lay off you, a friend of yours named Guido will be paying her a visit shortly. Let her know that Guido doesn’t like overly aggressive, egotistical little pukes like her and would be glad to teach her how to walk the line. So… BACK OFF BABY…I hope this helps you.

Until Later…