Well, today’s the day AFTER Christmas, no excitement, no enthusiasm, and certainly no ENERGY to DO ANYTHING!!! All the presents have been opened, all of our stomachs feel like puking from all that food, and CERTAINLY, our heads are ringing from all of that great Xmas eggnog. Good Times!!!
Well people, there are two things left yet to do today.
1. Return all the gifts that were either unwanted OR didn’t fit.
2. Start examining your conscience for your New Year’s resolutions.
As for ME, well, I just donate the gifts I didn’t want, or RE-GIFT them like we ALL do. As for the stuff that doesn’t fit, well, it just never gets worn, and once again is usually a donation.
This brings me to thingy #2, New Year’s Resolutions. Every year, the vast majority of us will labor intensively over our New Year’s Resolutions. What will we do, or NOT do in the NEW Year, to help us better our lives.
Now, I don’t know you PERSONALLY, BUT, if you are like ME, then many or MOST of those hard thought up Resolutions that ARE made, go by the wayside as of January 2nd.
Even so, I have made my resolutions, and here they are:
1. Never again will I take a pee on my neighbor’s lawn while it is STILL light outside. Yes… I actually DID this LAST year, while drunk one night walking home from the bar. GOOD NEWS… I am not drinking this year, so this resolution should be easier to keep.
2. Never put ALL of my winnings on BLACK while in Vegas. Hey…It SEEMED like a GOOD idea at the time OK??????
3. Never use the work FUCK unless it is REALLY necessary. Yes, I am a bit of a potty mouth. Now, shut the FUCK up!!!!!! Just kidding…J
4. Never EVER walk out of the house without toilet tissue in my bag. LONG STORY… If you ever meet me and you NEED some tissue…I’m your gal…
5. Always make NICE with the Auditor. Long story short, last year I DIDN’T, and BOY was I SORRY!!!!!!!!!
6. Go head, give to the poor Wino who is begging on the street for food money, he MIGHT buy food???????? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. Remember to order TEA…NOT Long Island Iced Tea…
8. Kindness is a VIRTUE…Kindness is a VIRTUE….Kindness is a VIRTUE!!!
9. I will TRY and control my Sexual appetite….YEAH… like THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN!!! Gheese!!!
*** Never say another bad word about ANYONE… Unless, of course, they say something bad about ME, in which case I can CRUCIFY their asses…***
Fingers cross I will be able to keep all of these for the New Year. Good Luck with YOURS also…
I will drink NO more—Than I NEED to get good and shitfaced.
No more drunken phone calls or texts—Unless…They NEED to be made. (They USUALLY) DO…
No writing about my SAD and SCREWED UP family life past—Unless I feel it will bring me high into the BUZZING LIST.
I resolve NEVER to smart talk another Blogger here…Oh DAMN…I’ve already just broken that one. NEXT!!!!!!!
No more running around NUDE at my office Christmas Parties. Well…OK…UNLESS I am really drunk…I mean, how OFTEN could THAT happen???
No more demoralizing Threesomes…DAMN…There’s ANOTHER one already broken. I guess I am just not GOOD at this LIST thingy.
I will remain calm and always take the high road when angry…Unless someone REALLY pisses me off.
No more getting DRUNK in public…I’m going for at LEAST a week here on that one.
If I DO get drunk in public, I will NOT get into a confrontation with the Police like the LAST time.
I will NOT become the WEDDING SLUT ONCE this year…If you are having a wedding and wanna invite me…You have my SOLEMN promise on this one. (Fingers Crossed).
Phew…That feels a lot better. I’m sure with a LOT of self will and determination; I will complete at least ONE of these. Last year I didn’t fulfill any. *SAD FACE*
I will stop drinking…At LEAST for 24 hrs. Okay…I better revise that because that is WAAAAY to long…How about between 3 Am and 6 AM. Yeah… THAT I can definitely do.
I will be kinder to my fellow man…Just so long as I don’t keep getting HIT on by all those CRAAZY bastards. I mean a girl can ONLY take so much.
I will keep my potty mouth in check…I definitely should be able to do THIS as long as nobody SPEAKS to me or PISSES me off.
I will be more giving…What I MEAN here is that I will actually GIVE to the IRS what I SHOULD have declared within the last FIVE business years.
I will stop BITCHING about my FU**ING ankle… Man…Don’t EVER break your FU**ING ankle, Damn thing STILL bothers me…Hey…It’s NOT the New Year yet so bug off, I can STILL BITCH…
I will NEVER come home with STRANGE men or women again…UNLESS of course, I am drunk…DAMN…That one’s a loser, I’m ALWAYS drunk. Never Mind…A
I will never steal clients from my former company…Hehehehehehehehe….Yeah RIGHT….Hehehehehehe. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ……….
I will donate my time to a homeless shelter…At least THAT way I’ll get to see my relatives. J
I will ONLY go to bed with people who’s name begins with an A… Example— A man, A woman, BOTH A Man and A Woman…
I will work out more this year…Once a month should DO it right? I mean I don’t wanna get TOO muscular…
I will only write about Sex and Drunkeness 5 times a week…The OTHER 2 days, I will just PRACTICE what I write about.
I hope YOUR New Year’s Resolutions work out for you. Hey, if NOT, there is ALWAYS next year, Right???…Have a great night everyone…