Just Ask Sooz


Dear Sooz:

I am 34, lesbian and I need your help. My girlfriend of 12 years has just told me that she is pregnant. I just can’t believe it. After 12 years of love and devotion she tells me that it was a mistake. She says she went out with her friends from work one night and it just happened. She says she still loves me and that she wants to have this child and raise it with me. What shall I do I am so torn.

Motherless Child


Dear Child:

The thing is, if she is a lesbian than HOW the HELL did this happen. Oh never mind, of course I KNOW how it happened, I just don’t understand WHY. Are you sure that your girlfriend is a true lesbian and not Bi? I mean what would happen if she does this AGAIN? I believe if I were you I would just cut my losses and let HER figure this out. I believe if she truly loved you she would not ALLOWED herself to get into this situation. Yes, people make mistakes but I am not so sure that this was just an HONEST mistake.

Tell this two timing hussy to “Hit the Road Jackie” and just keep on movin’. I would suggest counseling here but I don’t really believe it would help. I truly believe she may be Bi and do this again, just my opinion. I wish you the best of luck, this is a hard one.


Dear Sooz:

Let me just start out by saying that I dislike my Mother in Law to the absolute last degree possible. She is a controlling, egotistical, demanding Bitch. I said it this way because I didn’t want to put her in a totally bad light. I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t cook well enough, clean well enough, hell, I can’t even keep my husband satisfied according to her. I really love my husband but she is getting on my last nerve. What can I do?

Maniacal Mother in Law Murderess in Wait


Dear Maniacal:


So from what I’m hearing, you DON’T like your Mother In Law, Is that a fair statement? It’s a shame really, sometime you get a good one and sometimes you get a BITCH. Here’s what you do, take her to lunch and explain to her that you are married to her SON. Explain to her that her SON worships the ground that you walk on.

While you May not be the best cleaner or cook, you sure as HELL can ROCK HIS WORLD and he LOVES every FREAKIN’ minute of it too. Explain to her that it is her SON you are trying to please NOT her.

Very gently tell her that if she doesn’t lay off you, a friend of yours named Guido will be paying her a visit shortly. Let her know that Guido doesn’t like overly aggressive, egotistical little pukes like her and would be glad to teach her how to walk the line. So… BACK OFF BABY…I hope this helps you.

Until Later…


Humorous Texts


“I saw you on Facebook and I want to make love with you. What do you say? I am good in bed but BETTER on the kitchen table”

“If I sleep with you do I get a free Car Wash?”

“Your proposal for Marriage was just a ploy for Sex right?”

“If I sleep with you will you PROMISE to CALL me tomorrow?”

“The Rabbit died…No No No I’m talking about Fuzzy, my Rabbit…..”

“If you WANTED a threesome, why didn’t you just say you were inviting your Mother over to dinner?”

“When I said I would SCREW with you, I MEANT on the Habitat for Housing Project.”

“If I never SEE your ASS again it will be TOO soon. Your Penis HOWEVER is an entirely different story.”

“Ok, Ok, I BELIEVE you’re the Queen of Sheba, NOW, can I fondle your Boobs?”

“When I said I was PREGNANT, I WAS…Just not with YOUR child.”

Until Later…