Just Ask Sooz, the Christmas Elf

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Dear Sooz:

Rudolph here…Yeah, the Reindeer. As you must realize, this is my busiest season. While flying through the sky, travelling over 6 million miles, and landing on too many rooftops to count is fun, it STILL takes its toll. I’m exhausted.

Here’s the rub, Santa doesn’t care. It’s RIGHT back to the routine again the next day. Flying practice, teaching the young to be good reindeer, mating, and then those damn Reindeer games, don’t get me started.

I mean the Elfs all get a week off, why can’t we? Look, we ALL have our faults Sooz, I get it, but Why on God’s green Earth does Santa have to be such a F**KING slave driver? Don’t get me wrong, the guy is Merry, laughs like a bowl full of jelly, and Ho Ho Ho’s with the BEST of ‘em, he just doesn’t see the need for us to get a little break and have some DOWN time once in a while.

All of us feel the same way, Donner, Blitzen, etc., we’re just too afraid to confront the old boy. We’re afraid he might just get pissed off, open that Jug which keeps his nose continuously red, and tell us all to F**K Off, we’re fired. Any magical thoughts on the subject that might help our plight Sooz?

Wrecked Up Rudolph

 

Dear Wrecked Up Rudolph:

Yikes!!! Had no idea Santa was such a slave driver? OK…Here’s what you do. You and the other Reindeer invite Santa out to the Pub for a few “SODAS” one night soon. Get him good and liquored up, you know, when he’s REALLY happy and starts spouting off the Ho Ho Ho’s, and then just address your concerns straight out.

Explain to him that you guys have been doing this for hundreds of years now and that you’re NOT getting any younger. Let him know how much you respect him and the Mrs. and while you LOVE your job, you just need a little break.

I believe in doing it this way he will see your point of view and give you guys the time off. If NOT, tell him to “GO TO HELL”…Disneyland is ALWAYS looking for flying Reindeer. Good Luck…

 

 

Dasher Disses Rudolph

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I’m here today at the North Pole talking to one of Santa’s Reindeer, Dasher. He is dishing some pretty juicy stuff here about our famous Red Nosed Reindeer. Listen up…

 

Me:      So Dasher, thanks for agreeing to give this interview, I KNOW it’s the Christmas Season and everyone is busy.

Dasher:  Oh that’s OK, I was just finishing up one of my Reindeer games.

Me:      So tell me, just WHAT in Heaven’s name do you do at these Reindeer games anyway?

Dasher:  Well, Sooz, of course we practice flying, but usually we just sit around and play Pin the Tail on the Reindeer or play Monopoly.

Me:       Really…Do you guys let Rudolph play? I mean the SONG says you never let him play in any Reindeer games.

Dasher:   We USED to, but honestly he is a male Prema Donna. Just because he has a freakin’ red nose and Santa lets him guide the sleigh, he has a head SO BIG, he can’t get it through the doorway.

Me:       You mean he is egotistical?

Dasher:   Egotistical is an UNDERSTATEMENT!!! He is so full of himself he believes the Earth revolves around HIM. If he is losing, he gets all like “You guys are all cheaters” on us.

Me:       No WONDER you don’t let him play.

Dasher:   Let me tell you something else just between US and the internet OK?

Me:       OK.

Dasher:   You know WHY his nose is so red that it glows?

Me:       Ah…It’s magical?

Dasher:    NO…It’s because he DRINKS like a fish. The song doesn’t TALK about THAT though does it? His nose might light the way, but he is usually so drunk the rest of us have to over compensate flying just to keep us on course.

Me:        Wow!!! That’s something the general public doesn’t know. No WONDER it never made it in the song.

Dasher:    Damn straight Sooz. Let me tell you something else the general public doesn’t know either.

Me:         What’s that?

Dasher:     He doesn’t even WANT to work as a Reindeer. He wants to go help that Elf Herby from the Rudolph Movie. Herby is now a dentist, and Rudolph wants to be his dental hygienist.

Me:          Really???

Dasher:     Yup…We’re workin’ up a new computerized lighting system on the sleigh so we don’t NEED that old drunken Reindeer anymore. We should be all ready to go by THIS Xmas.

Me:         Interesting…Well, have a nice Christmas Dasher and thank you for talking with me.

Dasher:     No problem Sooz. You have a nice Christmas also. I think Santa has something special for you this year. Wink!!!

 

Footnote: I KNOW I should have put quotation marks around all the talking parts, I just didn’t wanna. Deal With It… 🙂

Until Later…

 

Christmas Spirit and Spirits

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Yesterday I finally decided it was time to put up all my Christmas lights for the holiday. I have several different arrays I use for the house’s outside and then another set for the inside.

Now remember, I am going to be 41 so I have lights that have been around since I used to ride dinosaurs to school. They are very pretty lights. Most are the bigger lights, for the outside, with a lighted Santa and sleigh, and Reindeer that are so real looking, hunters want to kill shoot them.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase, once done, my house looks a lot like that one. I bring this up because what I am about to tell you REMINDS me soooooo much of this movie.

It takes me forever to finally finish everything so I am extremely proud of my house and myself once done. I ALWAYS check all the lights BEFORE I put them up ESPECIALLY the lights on the roof.

So, I got all the light out, tested them all and they all worked. I got out my staple gun and proceeded to do my roof lights first, then my window lights, next the Santa, and FINALLY my real looking Reindeer.

Yup…You guessed it, I flipped the switch and NOTHING happened. WTF!!! Now, I am NOT an electrician, BUT, I also have taught myself a few things about electricity over the years. The first thing I did was CURSE A BLUE STREAK. For those of you who may NOT be familiar with that terminology, it means to swear and scream until the neighbors call the cops for disturbing the peace.

After I calmed down a little, I went and checked the circuit breaker. Sure enough, something had overloaded my breaker and tripped it. Guess what I did??? I actually added two new breakers to my box. WHAT??? I DID!!! REALLY!!!

This job took me about 4 hours ‘cause first I had to go to Home Depot and buy the necessary supplies. OK…Now I was done and once again I flipped on the lights. THIS time everything went on EXCEPT my roof lights…NATURALLY. Now, to make a long story short (Which is NO LONGER POSSIBLE), I had to check EACH and EVERY light. The string for the roof was on the OLD School system and when one light goes out, they ALL go out.

This took me ANOTHER four hours of manual labor. I was just glad that they even still MADE these kinds of bulbs. Finally, after all the aggravation, Once again I flipped the switch and Voilà, the lights went on.

I was so tired and aggravated after all this I decided I needed a good DRUNK. Inside the house I went, poured myself several Vodka and Cranberries and got good and wasted. Hey I DESERVED it…

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 I hope YOUR Holiday light setup went a lot better than mine. I feel better now that I shared that…Thanks for listening.

Until Later…