My Drunk Diaries—More Than an Education

When I was sixteen, I developed a crush on one of my teachers. I was always a good student, and as such, they all liked me. Coming from a “troubled” home environment, I would often stay after school and talk with this one teacher about my home life.

 She was always so nice, I would babble away about this or that and she would sit there attentive, just listening, and hug me when I needed a hug. Now, I had ALWAYS had a very intense sex drive, and having a beautiful teacher that actually LISTENED to me made it go into overdrive.

Miss Jones, (Not real name), as I said was a beautiful young woman, oh say around twenty five, and had ALWAYS takin’ a liking to me. One day, after school, she invited me over to HER house so we could TALK without any interruptions.

I said SURE, I called my mother, no answer. Well, it was around 3:30 so I figured she was already passed out drunk, so I left her a message and away we went. Miss Jones was always such a happy go lucky person, she was quick with a smile that made sunshine pale in comparison, and was always there with a joke to lighten the mood.

She had such a beautiful apartment. Hardwood everywhere and a baby grand piano in the foyer that would have Beethoven’s mouth hanging to the ground. She looked at me as if I was the only one on the planet and she offered me a drink. What was I gonna SAY….NO?????

She brought out a bottle of wine, red if memory serves me well, and we sat and talked, and drank and drank. Without going into a long dragged out sex scene, she approached my lips and kissed me. By NOW, I was intensely inebriated, (As we drank two full bottles), and I just fell into her arms.

I was hers and she was mine. I didn’t care if the moon even rose that night, at MY young age, and in the state I was in, I loved her. She and I did things that I never had experienced before, and I enjoyed EVERY second of pleasure I could feel.

Afterwards, she offered me coffee while I stayed languishing in her bed. I was in Heaven. She explained that I should NEVER speak to anyone about what happened and that she would LOVE to keep seeing me. I spent MANY drunken nights with her and it was a time I shall never forget.

Two years later, she was convicted of endangering the welfare a minor and was imprisoned. I never saw or spoke with her again.

Until Later…

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

Just so we’re clear, I’m drunk while writing this. Here’s my problem. I like to drink and get drunk. I feel like a million bucks, can conquer the world, and have an urgent need for sex, which I put to use when pissed.

I have always liked to drink but really got the addiction bad after my husband passed away. I am a 43 year old woman who makes good money from my husband’s army pension and my SSI. I say this because I can well afford my daily habit which consists of a bottle of red wine and also one of Vodka.

Bottom line here Sooz is I love the feeling being drunk offers, even though I realize it is not good for my health. People have told me to quit but, I have not hurt anyone, don’t drive when intoxicated, nor am I a belligerent drunk. I am a party girl who just needs to feel good and get some booty back into my life again on a regular basis.

A friend of mine has read your columns and has told me that you too have a bit of an alcohol problem so I wanted to get your opinion. What do you think I should do?

Happy in La La Land

 

Dear Happy:

I TOO am drunk  happy as I type this. I can say this because well, I’m DRUNK and I wanna. I know EXACTLY what you’re feeling because I too am the same way. I picked up MY habit when I was about 13 though. I offer NO excuses; I just like to get drunk.

Of course my advice would be to go to AA, you don’t NEED to get drunk to have a good time, meet men and get F**KED like a rabbit. However, I too have been told that and just can’t seem to stick with it.  AA has TOO many rules and regulations and I just can’t seem to get past step two as I’m USUALLY drunk after that. Now, am I saying that AA doesn’t work, no, it just hasn’t worked for me. I too am a highly functioning drunk (Usually), and it has had no work or social consequences. MY biggest concern is waking up on the floor. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!

My advice…Try AA…See if it works for you. If NOT, give me a call and we’ll go out drinking…Muah!!!

 

 

 

 

Giggle Time–Senior Wine–

A single glass  at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights  sleep. 

 
NEW  Wine for Seniors ,    I kid you not…..
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Clare Valley  vintners in  South Australia, 
which primarily produce  
Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot 
Grigio wines,  
have  developed a new hybrid grape  
that  acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number  of trips  
older  people have to make to the 
bathroom during the night.The new  wine will be 
marketed as

    
WAIT FOR IT……………
PINO  MORE
 

I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

 

Giggle Time

 

It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!
 
 

 
 
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. “
~Frank Sinatra

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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman

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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright

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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry

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To some, it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

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One afternoon Cliff Clavin of Cheers explained the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here’s how it went:

” Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not…

 
Until Later…