How To Heat Up Your Love Life

 How many of us out there can honestly say we wouldn’t like a little more spice in our love lives; and NO, I’m NOT talking about sprinkling a little salt and pepper over your bodies.

Here’s a couple sure fire ways to amp up the old sex glands and start humping like rabbits on crack. First off, if you are single and LOOKING for love, the number one place to meet your soul mate isGuess where? Did you guess the bars or clubsBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

Nope, the number one place to meet interesting people is at either at school, or at work. A close second is through friends.  Now, let’s say you don’t work, OR go to school, AND, you have no friends. If this IS the caseYOU’VE GOTTA GET OUT MORE!!!

Other popular meeting places are, the supermarket or Laundramats.  Yup, the key here is to pretend that you are a naive guy/gal who NEEDS advice about something. How do I pick out a good melon, or what kind of Steak should I buy? In a Laundromat, “Should I use Bleach on this”, or, “Can I wash darks with whites?” The MORE naïve the better.

These are good icebreakers and will help start a long, and hopefully a more meaningful conversation. The longer the conversation, the more likely you are to get a date, and then, well, Nature will just take its course.

If, on the other hand, you already HAVE a significant other, but have been a little estranged recently, the best thing that you can do is LOSE YOUR SMART PHONE. Remember I was talking about conversation above, today we are just WAY too focused on our cell phones.

CALL your significant other and have a conversation. Believe me on this, there is NOTHING that will bring you closer together than to have a conversation with each other. The average couple speaks less than 400 words per day to their significant others. This indeed is a shame.

Psychologists and Psychiatrists both agree, the more couples engage in a one on one meaningful conversation with each other, the better their sex lives, REGARDLESS the rigors of their daily routines.
What can we take away from all of this, LOSE those phones, and re-engage again VERBALLY with your spouse. You’ll be GLAD you did…

Until Later…

Sexy Tuesday Poetry-Summer Love

 


Speak to me, oh winds of Summers glory,
Let me mark this breath upon my bosom.
Feel my skin, as soft as velvet,
And let thy lips caress my gentle body.

Your smile speaks volumes upon my wanton heart,
While your eyes caress my very soul.
Make me NOT beg for thy loving touch,
Yet, devour me, as the bird does the seed.

My love is steadfast and true, my darling,
And my heart doth beat like a child, who awaits a Christmas morn.
Take me in your arms, love me like no other,
And forever, let me remain within your sweet embrace.
 

Ten Qualities Woman Find Attractive in Men


In my Dear Sooz letters, men constantly ask me what can they do to attract the ladies. Usually, I will be flip at first and tell them to have a big bank roll and a very prestigious job like a king, or possibly someone who has found the cure for AIDS. For many women, these things would be great, but, seriously, how many of this type of man are out there?
I have done countless hours of research, (Talked to some of my friends), and this is what we all agreed on.

1. Have a sense of Humor— I mean seriouslyWho doesn’t like someone who is funny and can keep you entertained? He doesn’t have to be a comedian, just someone who has a quick wit and can keep your smile on.

2. Be confident— I have said this before, but it is well worth repeating, WE (women), like guys who believe in themselves. Now I DON’T mean, arrogant, just someone who is sure of himself, who knows what he wants and then how to get it.

3. Someone who is Spontaneous— We LOVE being surprised guys. It’s always nice to get those little unsuspected gifts or TRIPS to EUROPE, (Just a thought here guys for future reference)Surprise us…We LOVE it!!!
4. Be Open-minded— This shows us that you are willing to LISTEN to what we say and then discuss it. ***This is a BIGGIE guys***

5. Kindness— I know this should go without saying, but it’s actually getting harder and harder to find someone who is “really” kind…

6. Intelligence— OKYou don’t have to be a rocket scientist (Although, it wouldn’t hurt either), but at least have the ability to add the 20% to the restaurant bill without a calculator.

7. Compassionate— This is also an important trait as it seems that both men AND women over the past decade seemed to have lost this important quality. Believe me, it is VERY endearing to us…

8. Cleanliness— When you take us out where something approach. Fashion changes all the time and that’s fine, but don’t take us to the Ritz and wear ripped jeans and a Tee shirt. Wear deodorant, shave, (Unless you have a beard of course), and for God’s sake brush your teeth and use breath mints if you have Godzilla breath.

9. Initiative— We LOVE a guy who will step up to the plate and be able to make decisions. There is nothing I hate worse than having to make all the decisions or have a guy flip/flop over just about every issue that comes up. MAKE a DECISION for goodness sake…

10. A good Conversationalist— Let me be clear hereBoth parties should carry a conversation, please don’t make us handle it all though. Be well read, find some topics that you feel is interesting and run with it. NO…..NOT Nuclear Physics and how the atom can be split by a cyclotron… Now, if it’s being split by two Popsicle sticks, then by all means carry on…

I’m sure that women have many, many more, but these seemed to be the most brought up qualities….Let’s be fair here folks neither men nor women are going to possess ALL of these traits, however, a few of these would be great. Thanks for listening and I will catch you all later…
Until Later…

Office Romances–Good , Bad, And Ugly

 

Let’s be honest here, office romances are common. I know the old adage is to NOT have an office affair because it could affect your work, and that is true. Many people get caught up in a trist at work and then later, break it off, thus affecting their job performance.

The HR department at most jobs either prohibits, or discourages employees hooking up with each otherSeriously??? It’s GONNA happen people, it is just part of Human Nature.

Think about it, you’re at work 40 hours or more a week with these people, and as such, you are going to get to know them pretty well. Betty likes cats and is an outdoor junkie, Bill is in a bad marriage and complains about it all the time, Bob likes suchi and is a womanizerThis goes on all the time folks.

I would take a guess here and say that overall, people know their work co-horts better than they do their own wives, husbands or significiant others. It’s no WONDER that office  romance can bloom. Add to that alcohol at an office party, or overnight “business” trips, and the seed for romance is planted.

Can this be badYES!!!! Especially if it is a casual hook-up for one, and a NON-casual one for the other. Feelings get involved, tempers flare, and the work routine suffers.
So, what can we do to avoid these pitfalls at work? First of all, NEVER mix office talk with PILLOW talk. This is one of the WORST possible things you can do. Pretty soon, he/she knows everything there is to know about YOUR job, and whether or not you ENJOY it, HATE it, or otherwise. This is fuel for a disaster folksDON’T do it.

Don’t show signs of affection at work. People will talk and it could get back to HR or your supervisor. I KNOWI’ve had to fire a few employees for this because of worsening job performance.

Try and realize what you are doing. Have a break-up plan in place so that in event you DO split, it dosen’t affect your job performance. Best advise I can giveEither DON’T start one in the first place OR Become a couple and get married. This plan gets EVERYONE off your back.

Romance in the work place IS gonna happen folks, just be smart about it and have the BEST of both worlds….

Until Later…

How to Tell if a Guy is Really Into You

How many times has this happened to you, you meet a guy who seems charming and funny, and you wanna have his babies? The only thing is, you don’t know if he is really that into you, how can you tell?

Here are some signs to look for to help you see if he really IS into you, or just taking you for a ride:

* He laughs at all your jokesEven if they suck. This is a sure sign as he is actually trying to listen to you and impress on you that he cares.

* He has trouble speaking around youThis is very common for a guy who tries to over impress you and then falls short by stumbling over his wordsIt is sooooooooooo cute too…

* He asks you if you would like to “hang out” sometimeGuys HATE the word dateIt’s like giving you a life long commitment in their minds. Hanging out means they wanna be with you and that they wanna spend some quality time with you.

* He smiles at you all the timeEither he is practicing for his next staring DENTAL role, or he really likes you.

* He looks you in the eye when you are talking as opposed to your BOOBS. (Boob staring is OK, but come on guys… We have a brain too).

* Dressing to impress youYesI know that  while the style “dress-up” now consists of ripped jeans and a Fuck You tee shirt, if he wears clean, dockers and a nice shirtSet the wedding date…

* He hangs on your every wordWhile this is EXTREEMLY difficult for guys to do (considering their short attention spans), if he doesyou’ve got a keeper.

These of course are just a few ways to know, but believe meThey are tried and trueI hope that you are lucky enough to get a guy who has a few of these qualities becauseIf you do…I hear wedding bells in your futureORat least the pitter patter of little feetTalk to you all later…

Until later…

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I read your column all the time and I have a problem I need to share with you. I am an 18 year old girl with a 23 year old boyfriend. I will be attending college this year and Bob, my boyfriend, says he would like to be with me while I go to college.

Sooz, I am torn here. While I love Bob and he says he loves me, everyone tells me that my college years should be the most exciting and fun time of my life. I am torn between having a boyfriend that really cares for me, or breaking it off with him and be single again so I can enjoy all the “benefits” of college.

Obviously, I want both but I am afraid that I can not do that to Bob. I am somewhat inexperienced as I have only had two other boyfriends before him. What should I do?

Torn in Tennessee

Dear Torn:

At 18, you have your whole life ahead of you. Usually, while in college, your WILD side may come out and you may want to experience the many joys that college life has to offer. I believe that being with Bob through this would just be leading him on.

I would tell him that while you have feelings for him, you want to explore the college experience and not be tied down to just one person. If at the end of your college career you still wish to pursue this relationship, then good. If you still love him at this point, you both will be older and will have the emotional maturity you need to MAKE that decision.

I know that when I was in college, I was always the WILD child and had one HELL of an experience. I say break it off and let the marbles roll where they will. Now, get out there and party hardy, but, oh yeah… Study hard too… “WINK”!! Good luck with your decision…

The Difference Between Men and Women

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The Difference Between Men and Women

 

I just finished reading the book Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus. FINALLY… I understand why we are so different in our thinking. It’s obvious right? We’re from 2 different PLANETS!!! We’re not FROM Earth. Somehow, we were magically transported from our home planets of Mars and Venus and dumped HERE.

I mean if you think about it, the ONLY real Native things from Earth are probably the plants and animals. We’re just VISITORS. I KNOW what you’re thinking…”Sooz, I think you have lost your marbles.” To that I say, “Well, MAYBE, but if you THINK about it, look at all the differences”. Just look at some of the differences and tell me I’m wrong:

Men

1.  Men are Muscular…They have 2 marbles in a sack with an attached trunk.

2. Men Pee and Poop

3. Men love to go camping in the wilderness, drink beer, eat beans from a can and sleep in a tent on the ground.

4. Men like to watch sports, drink beer, and swear like drunken sailors.

5. Men will screw ANYTHING that RESEMBLES a woman just for fun.

Women

1. We are soft and curvy with mountains on the top and a FINE well groomed garden on the bottom.

2. We Tinkle and Sparkle

3. We like to sleep in 4 star hotels, drink fine wine, eat at Michelin stared restaurants and spend money.

4. We like to WATCH men watch sports, drink wine, and talk about how crude, rude, and disgusting they are.

5. OK…We like sex too but only on OUR terms. GO US!!!

There are MANY more things that I could go into here but You would get WAY to bored so I will leave it at these. If you would like to know MORE differences that help explain my theory, please let me know and I will send you a copy of my new book…How the HELL Does THAT Fit in HERE?

Until Later…
 

 

Sue’s Internet Dating Service

 

 

 

How many people out there would like to be in a relationship, BUT, either are too busy to look, OR, just don’t have that get up and go attitude to search 1000 different places until you find someone you’re compatible with? Well, now you can…I’ve created Sue’s Internet Dating Service.

 

All you need to participate is a PULSE, and the energy to write me with a few of your vital statistics. Here is what I require to HOOK you up…

 

1.)    Your age within 10 years…NOBODY likes giving their REAL age so this should help matters. Of course, you must be at LEAST 18 years of age or older…OTHERWISE, I would be hooking you up with someone under the age of 8. If you ARE 8, then you must be gainfully employed, (I’m NOT talking about having a Lemonade stand either), be sexually active, and at least know HOW to drive a car.

 

2.)   Your sexual preference…Male or Female. If you are Bi, then let me know that too as it’s easier to get a date on the weekends that way…

 

3.)   Favorite foods and drinks…You MUST however like Chinese as I LOVE Chinese and so I am making it a staple food choice. Someone asked me if SPAM was a food choice and I say…Sure!!!

 

4.    How would you describe your sexual appetite?

          A.   Like a Horny Toad

          B.   Like a snail

          C.   Only on Saturday nights

          D.   When the mood HITS you

          E.    Somewhere between A and E depending how many drinks you’ve had.

 

5.)   Do you like children and if so how many would you like to spawn?

 

6.)   How tall are you? Just trying to match you up here with a sexual partner, we don’t want any giants matched to little people here now WOULD we?

 

OK…That does it…Just answer the above questions and I will have you HOOKED up before you know it. Oh, one last thing, this is a FREE service so there are NO refunds. Once you get a partner…You are STUCK with them…

 

Come on…Join me today and get started on YOUR whirlwind romance NOW!!!

 

*** The above was just a humorous piece and NOT really a dating service. If you were stupid enough to BELIEVE this, then you really DO need a partner to HELP you through life***

Just Ask Sooz

 

Dear Sooz:

 

I have been reading you now for a long time and I finally decided to write. I have a problem. I am a 35 year old woman who has a loving husband and 2 beautiful kids, the problem is my husband never leaves me alone.

 

Let me clarify that, he never wants to keep his hands off me. He wants to make love 24/7, he is like a frickin’ rabbit on crack. He says that he is just a horny bastard and that I am such a good looking thing he just can’t resist himself.

 

Don’t get me wrong Sooz, I enjoy sex just as much as the next person, I’d just like to be able to breathe once in a while, ya know? I’ve tried talking to him about it but he seems to have a very short attention span, what can I do?

 

Sexed Out in Seattle

 

 

Dear Sexed Out:

 

This one is a tough one for me because in many ways, I am just like your husband. I DO however understand what you mean and have a couple of ideas for you.

 

First thing is this, get a very small Paring knife, while you husband is sleeping, take said knife and give a quick cut across the soft part of Mr. Happy. If you do it right, you should have made the PERFECT Lorraina Bobbitt cut. I’M KIDDING… Don’t REALLY do that.

 

If talking about it doesn’t help, try asking him to go to a Psychotherapist. Sometimes this hyper-sexual activity can be lessened through therapy. Talking it out honestly though is usually the best course of action. Sit him down when the kids aren’t around and tell him that you are just not INTERESTED as much as he is. Explain to him that you would like your own time and space once in a while even though you sincerely love him.

 

If he still doesn’t get it, send him to me…I’ll wear the HELL outta him. Hehehe….I wish you much luck my dear…

The Love Letter Every Gal Yearns to Receive

Image

Since I’m the one writing this, THIS letter will be to ME from my handsome and romantic Prince.

My Darling Sooz:

While we just parted not but an hour ago, I am no longer able to contain myself. Your beauty possesses my every thought, and the necessity to express my love has overcome my Human senses. I am but a humble servant in your love dearest, you command my heart, and have been forever embedded within my soul.

Your smile radiates like the sun itself, sending me into a hypnotic state so deep, not even the depths of the Oceans could compare. You have forever changed my life.

I cherish all there is about you, the smile that could silence a million fold;  those lips, red as Rubies, and luscious as the day is long, your eyes, Green as  Summer grass after being kissed by the morning dew, and fiery red locks that sets off a beauty possessed only by a goddess.

Saying I long to caress your velvet skin and kiss those silky lips doesn’t does NOT my rhetoric justice. I NEED to engulf you, I LUST for thy sweet countenance. Deny me not my love, for your love is like my bread of Life. I must possess it daily to satisfy my heart’s desire, and my body’s hunger.

Be gentle with me my love, I am but a man, a man who has lost his will to live without your attentiveness. Know that I love you beyond the stars, and that I patiently await for the time our souls may touch.

Your humble and loving servant,

Prince Charming