The Evening Mist

Image

Once upon a summer’s eve a vision came to be,

A beauty in the evening mist did cast her spell on me.

Head held high and statuesque, her eyes as black as coal,

As though an angel cast from Heaven, she peered into my soul.

 

Her beauty was divinely pure, her grace in Ballerina’s style,

Lips that glowed upon her face, as she began to smile.

She glanced my way with batted eyes, and flipped her hair around,

The room was still as deafened night, the crowd made not a sound.

 

Slowly she sauntered across the room, giving me her grin.

As she walked, I knew forthwith, that I was reeled in.

She took my had so effortless, and placed it on her breast,

My body tingled from the rush; your imagination can fuel the rest.

 

I never saw her from that night, remembering our tryst,

The girl who shared my dreams that night, together in the Evening mist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

 

 

Just Ask Sooz

Dear Sooz:

I am a little embarrassed as I write this. About 8 months ago I went to my 10th high school reunion. My husband didn’t want to go so he said “Go and have a good time”. These were famous last words.
Now Sooz, I was never a ravishing, popular,  cheerleader type in high school, although I wasn’t a wall flower either. When I got there I saw many of my old friends. One of these was Nancy who always used to hang out with me.

 

I hadn’t seen her in years and I found out that she wasn’t married and had a wonderful job as an editor for a major publishing house. Well, We got to talking, drinking, laughing, and just had a wonderful time.  Here’s the problem, both of us got very drunk and when we were leaving, Nancy said what a wonderful time she had and then leaned in and gave me a sensuous kiss. She said, “We should get together for lunch sometime.”

 

Not giving it a second thought, I said, “sure” and got her number. Therein started the problem. We met for lunch a week later and she explained that she had always had a crush on me. I was dumbfounded but felt good about it at the same time.

 

Nancy kept brushing against my hand through lunch but I thought nothing of it.. After lunch, she invited me back to her place to see her house. I said sure so we went back to her house.
Sooz, we had a few drinks, and Nancy once again leaned in and kissed me. This time I kissed her back and then things started to heat up from there. Two hours later, I made my apologies, got dressed, and headed for home.

 

I felt so guilty. I wondered if secretly I was a Lesbian. Nancy has been calling me to do things but I am afraid that I will get caught up in her web and repeat what happened before. How can I keep her as a friend but stay away from the sex part?
I really need your help here.

Conflicted Kathy

Dear Conflicted:

It sounds like the drinking may have had a lot to do with it. Does this mean you’re a Lesbian…No! You MAY have Lesbian tendencies or possibly even be Bi-Sexual but, you can’t really tell by just one encounter, especially if you are happy with your husband.

I really don’t see a way to save your friendship with her. You admitted that she has always had a crush on you and clearly enough, Nancy IS a Lesbian. I recommend that you call her and j say that you made a mistake and that you can not risk losing your family.
Explain that what you had was fun but that it can’t happen again. Wish her well and then bid her good-by. I sincerely hope this works out for you.

What She Says VS What He Hears

Image

 

Relationships are complicated; they are filled with the ups and downs of everyday life, so how in HELL do we survive them? The answer IS….Who the Hell knows, if I did, I’d me married now with about 21 kids.

I have been in several relationships over my 41 years and I must say I THINK I have figured it out. What *I* SAY is NOT what he HEARS. It’s TRUE; it reminds me of the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I’ll give you a few examples:

Women: “Let’s go out to dinner tonight”.

Men:    “Oh GOOD, she wants to get drunk so I can have my way with her.”

Women: “You look nice in those Jeans.”

Men:     “Soooo, You wanna see more of my manhood eh?”

Women:  “Isn’t the fire romantic?”

Men:      “She’s got the HOTS for me, I’m gonna get LUCKY tonight.”

 

Obviously, there some OTHER little ditties also like:

 

Women:   “Will you take out the trash please?”

Men:       “If I do this for YOU, will I get some ACTION later?”

                                       OR        

Women:    “I’m not feeling well, I’m gonna lay down.”

Men:        “Let me lay down WITH you, MAYBE I can arouse her.”

Now, obviously these have all been pretty much about how men want Sex. Well…The truth IS…THEY DO!!! Their minds are wired to procreate, just as OURS are to buy new shoes weekly (OK, That’s just me but I’m sure there are others out there who do the same thing).

Am I saying that wanting Sex all the time is a BAD thing? No, all I am saying is that WE are wired differently. When we say we’re TIRED, USUALLY, it MEANS we’re tired. It does NOT mean that we want you fiddling around with our Lady parts while we’re sleeping.

Will this difference in the way Men and Women think ever change, probably not; all we ask is that you be a little more sensitive towards our feelings. If you ARE, you JUST might be rewarded handsomely…

Until Later…

 

Pantyhose…Love ‘Em or Hate ‘Em

Image

 

Let me just say for the record that while pantyhose was a good alternative to Nylons, I hate them. Yup, you will hardly ever see me strapped to a pair of these itchy, harder than HELL to pull up, undergarment.

Personally, I think nylons are MUCH sexier and a HELL of a lot easier to get off when the “need” arises. Plus, when your paramour tries to undress you, you won’t frustrate him/her to the point of giving up BEFORE they are off your body.

Here’s the thing that bothers me…How can anything that is small enough to fit in a freakin’ EGG be expected to be pulled up to our waists??? It’s almost a feat of physical impossibility. I think that they should make putting on Pantyhose an International Olympic sport, the fastest time until it is firmly over the wait (WITHOUT RIPS) wins.

Announcer: “ Ah well Ted, looks like Oxanna got them up in 84 seconds BUT, she had to be disqualified because there was a small rip on the side from her nails”.” They could hold events for each size of pantyhose. Personally, I think the guys AND the girls would like this event, just to see someone struggle pulling up these mini stretchy stockings with underwear.

Let’s talk about the itch factor. Come on ladies; tell me they don’t itch…Here in Phoenix, in the Summer it can get to 112 degrees outside. Try walking around in a pair of pantyhose in THAT temp…YIKES…Plus, they’re HOT!!! Can you say Poison Ivy???

I say stick to something that is tried and true, either I wear nylons or I wear nothing at all…Oops!!! Let me clarify that, what I meant was, I spray tan my legs to have that nice golden brown look. I’ll be damned if you are gonna get me to wear those unnatural things unless I absolutely have to.

How about YOU gals, what do YOU think about wearing them…Let me know, I’d be interested to know I’m not alone here. Sorry LEGGS…You’re just gonna have to come up with something else that we ALL love…

Until Later…

How to Be a Better Lover

Image

Let’s be honest, who DOESN’T wana become a better lover? Since time BEGAN we’ve been DOING it, and well, getting the job done because there are a WHOLE lotta people here populating our planet.

The thing IS, it has just recently been the topic of conversation in our everyday lives. Before the 20th century, women were thought of as being obedient to their husbands…Yeah….Right!!!!???? Bubba would say, “ Hey there Matilda, why don’t we go into the bedroom and have us some FUN?”

WE, of course thought he meant we were gonna play a game of checkers. It was quite a shock when he wanted us to DISROBE, and IN-FRONT of him, have him start nibbling on our boobs, and feeling our HOOCHIES. Usually, he was like… In, out, in, out, and ahhhhhhhhhh…Hell, there wasn’t TIME enough to have any pleasure. We just DID it and then popped out kids every 9 months.

Today however, at least in MOST parts of the globe, men have learned that PLEASING us could be a GOOD thing. They’ve discovered that NICE things happen to them when we TOO are pleasured. Once men discovered this important piece of knowledge, they’ve become obsessed with making sure that we writhe and screa­­m in pleasures domain.

So…To help you all out with this one, let me give you some SURE fire ways how to take us to the moon and back. OK…Here are the basics.

  1. 1.  WATCH us while WE pleasure ourselves. Don’t be shy ladies, believe me, this will help in the bedroom 1000 %. Men are visual and need the correct mechanics for us. Each and every one of us is different so theywill DISCOVER what we like by watching us.
  1. 2.  Take your time with foreplay…PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wham bam thank you mam just doesn’t work for us. Kissing is a great warm up so spend some time on our lips…NOOOOOOOOOOOO………Not THOSE lips, at least not YET.
  2. 3.  Ask us HOW to nibble our nipples. Some of us have VERY sensitive breasts and don’t want them CHEWED like a piece of beef jerky. If your lover LIKES it, then by all means, eat them like you’re at a hotdog eating contest.
  3. 4.  Make sure we are nice and WET before entering our HOOCHIES. This will show you that we are excited and are ready for Mr. Happy.
  4. 5.  Last but not least, when the deed is done, for the love of GOD, Cuddle us a while. We view making love as an expression of us giving ourselves to you and not just an act. Hold us; tell us how beautiful we are, even IF we look like the elephant man. This will win you points and we’ll want to try you out again.

Remember, we may not Cum every time no matter what you do. Believe it or not, WE have to be in the mood. Just hold us, kiss us and let us know that you are there for us and I guarantee you, there WILL be a next time.

Until Later…

 

 

 

Ten Things I am NOT Going to Do Today

Image

10. Wake up on the floor…AGAIN…

 9.  Talk to my drinking buddy that is NOT really there.

 8.  Clean up the Piss in my pants from that Damn Pink Elephant.

 7.  Waste time searching for my lost keys that I KNOW are still attached to the zipper of my jeans.

 6.  Apologize to the immediate world for lewd, crude, and unattractive things I did and don’t remember from the night before.

 5.  Spend the night again with The Ringling Brothers Circus Clowns. 

 4.  Call in sick because I am too hung over to find my car…AGAIN…

 3.  OK….I MY have lied about the clowns…They were a good lay…Hehehehe…

 2.  Have breakfast with the Drunk Tank cop…

 1.  Lie like I did on the above Nine answers….Hmmmm….or DID I?????

Until Later…

Relationships

Image

So today I wanted to spend little time talking about relationships. Let’s review the differences in age.

 For example, in his 20’s, a guy wants to do nothing else but have sex. He will see a girl and say, “Damn…I have got to get that girl and take her back to my love nest. We can make love and THEN get something to eat.”

In his 50’s, he STILL wants to have sex, but FIRST…He wants to grab a snack.

In his 60’s and 70’s, he still WANTS sex BUT… Only when he can REMEMBER where his PENIS IS…

The irony is, as women, WE get more interested in sex as we age. For example, in our 20’s, we WANT sex but are too afraid to have the experience.

In our 30’s, we CRAVE sex and do want ever it takes to get it. This includes sexy dancing, dressing slutty, AND we’re not even ashamed to DRAG you into a secluded space and rip your clothes off. Trust me guys…We’ll get to out 30’s soon…

In out 40’s and 50’s, we are still going strong even though YOU are thinking more about watching football and stuffing your faces. It is NOW up to us to initiate love making as you are generally more interested in sleeping.

In OUR 60’s and 70’s we are now through menopause and ready to rock and roll. We will REMIND you where your DICKS are and WHAT they’re USED for. In general, after our 30’s there is just no STOPPING us.

OK…Sure, it may have to be under certain conditions like…We have to be perfectly clean, well-rested, half in the BAG, AND only on a Saturday night between 9:15 and 9:18 BUT…When THAT happens, we are TIGERS.

More on relationships later, but this will give you a small idea of what to look forward to. For now, I bid you adieu.

Until Later…

 

 

Wicked Wednesday-The Fluffernutter-

****************NO ONE UNDER 18 ADMITTED****************

 

Today I am going to be talking about Masturbation. Yes, I know, what does a Fluffernutter have to do with Masturbation? NOTHING…I just thought the name sounds euphemistically better than Masturbation.

 

Masturbation has such a dirty name here in the US and I hope I can change that way of thinking. As most of you who read me know, I am a Nymphomaniac. Because I have such a HIGH sex drive, I NEED to either have sex with a partner 6-8 times per day…BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….OR, masturbate…DING DING DING!!!

 

Let me just clear up a couple of age old taboos here. First of all, if you masturbate a LOT, you are NOT going to go crazy. Take me, for example, I am living proof. OK…I HEARD that comment way back in the cheap seats.

 

Secondly, you are NOT going to go BLIND, well, completely blind anyway, you MAY have to get glasses eventually….JUST KIDDING…Hmmmmmm….

 

Last, masturbation is NOT dirty. We NEED it to relieve stress and relax. There now, feel better? Now you can have a fluffernutter all you want without having ANY reservations.

 

For those of you women out there who may not know HOW to FLUFF and give yourself great orgasms, let me help walk you through it. First, you need a Vagina…Check… I’m going here today with a Woman’s masturbation technique because well, I’m a woman. Of course, I ALSO know how to FLUFF men but today, it’s ALL about us woman. Pay attention guys, you just MIGHT learn something.

 

Now, if you are a little shy about your body and don’t cum to  orgasm, let me help you out here. I am usually a little drunk, (except while at work), I just feel that this adds to my orgasm. I am NOT saying however that YOU have to be under the influence of alcohol, for me, it just helps me to relax.

 

Now, there are two types of Orgasms, clitoral, and vaginal. At work, or if I just need a quickie, I go for the clitoral orgasm. At home however, I go for the BIG BAD BANG orgasm.

 

For the clitoral orgasm, I just wet my fingers with my tongue, and then wet my pussy. I stroke myself up and down along the outside of my vaginal lips, then I place two fingers inside and slowly make a circle around my clit. I am VERY careful however not to touch it yet as I want to build the excitement. I LOVE my breasts and nipples felt so with my other hand, I am usually cupping and gently squeezing my breasts and then pinching my nipples while I slide my finger like a cock in and out of my pussy.

 

I do this for a while until I am nice and excited, then, I slowly rotate my two wet fingers around my clit. It doesn’t take me long to feel the urgency to cum. I can now feel a wave of NEED pulsating through my body.

 

I lean back, spread my legs wide, and re-enter myself with my wet fingers. It takes no longer than 5 seconds for the wave to overcome me and my body just pulsates and explodes with excitement.

 

Try it ladies….You’ll LIKE it…Next week, I will explain how to make most any woman squirt from the pleasure of a vaginal orgasm….Stay tuned guys and gals…

 

Until Later…

Ten Things Men Wished Women WOULDN’T Do

Image

 

 10. Write a blog about 10 things Women wished GUY’S knew about SEX.

9.   Ask them questions that have no REAL answer so they get into trouble.

8.   Bitch about that they NEVER ask for directions. (Even though they DON’T)…Oh wait….Was THAT considered BITCHING????????????

7.   Talk till Men’s EARS fall off.

6.   Make them hold our Purses.

5.   Send them to the store to buy our “Female” Products…

4.   Change the TV channel to Dancing With The Stars when THEY are watching something FRIVOLOUS like SPORTS.

3.   Name our cars ( What’s wrong with THAT??? )

2.   Nag… Nag… Nag…WHAT??? ( Looks the other way )…

1.   Bitch that all men want is ONE thing…………….BEER……….Got ya with that one didn’t I…Hehehehehe…

Until Later…