Well, today’s the day AFTER Christmas, no excitement, no enthusiasm, and certainly no ENERGY to DO ANYTHING!!! All the presents have been opened, all of our stomachs feel like puking from all that food, and CERTAINLY, our heads are ringing from all of that great Xmas eggnog. Good Times!!!
Well people, there are two things left yet to do today.
1. Return all the gifts that were either unwanted OR didn’t fit.
2. Start examining your conscience for your New Year’s resolutions.
As for ME, well, I just donate the gifts I didn’t want, or RE-GIFT them like we ALL do. As for the stuff that doesn’t fit, well, it just never gets worn, and once again is usually a donation.
This brings me to thingy #2, New Year’s Resolutions. Every year, the vast majority of us will labor intensively over our New Year’s Resolutions. What will we do, or NOT do in the NEW Year, to help us better our lives.
Now, I don’t know you PERSONALLY, BUT, if you are like ME, then many or MOST of those hard thought up Resolutions that ARE made, go by the wayside as of January 2nd.
Even so, I have made my resolutions, and here they are:
1. Never again will I take a pee on my neighbor’s lawn while it is STILL light outside. Yes… I actually DID this LAST year, while drunk one night walking home from the bar. GOOD NEWS… I am not drinking this year, so this resolution should be easier to keep.
2. Never put ALL of my winnings on BLACK while in Vegas. Hey…It SEEMED like a GOOD idea at the time OK??????
3. Never use the work FUCK unless it is REALLY necessary. Yes, I am a bit of a potty mouth. Now, shut the FUCK up!!!!!! Just kidding…J
4. Never EVER walk out of the house without toilet tissue in my bag. LONG STORY… If you ever meet me and you NEED some tissue…I’m your gal…
5. Always make NICE with the Auditor. Long story short, last year I DIDN’T, and BOY was I SORRY!!!!!!!!!
6. Go head, give to the poor Wino who is begging on the street for food money, he MIGHT buy food???????? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. Remember to order TEA…NOT Long Island Iced Tea…
8. Kindness is a VIRTUE…Kindness is a VIRTUE….Kindness is a VIRTUE!!!
9. I will TRY and control my Sexual appetite….YEAH… like THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN!!! Gheese!!!
*** Never say another bad word about ANYONE… Unless, of course, they say something bad about ME, in which case I can CRUCIFY their asses…***
Fingers cross I will be able to keep all of these for the New Year. Good Luck with YOURS also…
Recently, I have gotten some pretty cute letters from children who have asked me if Santa Claus is real or a fake. For these children, my answer is as follows:
Is the love in your hearts real on Xmas morning when you share the good times and happy moments with your family? Do you love to be told stories about Xmas and the Holiday Season?
Do you leave cookies or some kind of treats out in the hopes that Santa and his reindeer will eat them and remember you kindly on Xmas morning? Does the spirit of Xmas ring within you as Christmas songs play on the radio or are sung by choirs and carolers?
Have you recently thought about getting presents or perhaps have even sat on a store Santas lap with the hope that your wishes would become reality? Does the Season bring out your excitement and renew your love of others?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions my dear little ones, then YES, there IS a Santa Clause. He reigns within your hopes, your dreams, and the love that is filled within you all.
May you All have a very Merry and Blessed Season, and may the love you find within your hearts now, live within you forever.
First off, let me say that I have been a VERY good girl this year. OK, there was that ONE time that I got drunk and flashed my boobs at that traffic cop, but he was cute and he whistled at me. Well, OK, it was his Police whistle, but STILL, he looked RIGHT at me when he did it.
Luckily, I wasn’t in the driver’s seat; otherwise, instead of getting an indecent exposure ticket, I would have lost my license from a DUI charge. Anyway, as you already know, (Since you know EVERYTHING), I paid the fine and promised NOT to get drunk and flash again, *WINK*…
If you could see your way clear of this past incident, then I believe the rest of the year I have been as good as gold. So…I am asking for just a few measly presents if you would be so kind. I was GOING to ask for world peace, but THAT one I believe needs to come from a higher authority. So instead, I will ask for just a few Earthbound Presents.
I would really appreciate it if you could bring me a bra that supports my boobs WITHOUT cutting into my skin. Something from Victoria Secret would be great, BUT, could I have 3 pair, one in Red, Black, and Lace. If you wanna throw in some nice sexy panties that would be great too, even though I never wear them for very long because they keep getting’ taken off.
Oh, I could also use a nice Jet Ski. I realize that this would be heavy for you to carry in your sleigh, so, if you would rather leave me CASH under the tree that would be OK by me.
Just one more thing Santa, I really would like to know HOW you are able to CARRY all those presents in your sleigh. The weight would be tremendous, and the speed at which you would need to accomplish such a feat would certainly put so much stress on your sleigh that it would burst into flame based on physics principles.
Again, I just want to thank you in advance for bringing any or ALL of these items, and I will make sure I leave you some milk, cookies, and Pepto Bismol. I am so excited and can hardly wait for Xmas..
Here it is almost Christmas and once gain we’re in the season of giving. There are Toys for Tots, and Booze for Sooz, (Just Kidding), and of COURSE that PERFECT gift for Aunt Martha and Uncle Derwood, the beloved Fruit Cake.
OK…raise your hand if you actually LIKE Fruit Cake. THAT’S what I thought; I only see 2 hands out of the 6 Billion people who are reading this…WHAT??? It COULD happen..??!!??
So…Why is Fruit Cake such a hated culinary entity? I KNOW what you’re going to say…It’s because it tastes like a BRICK with DISEASED STUFF all over it. Was THAT right? Well, THAT’S what it looks and tastes like to me. Come on…Who’s WITH me here???
I mean Fruit Cake is NOT what you think of when you hear the word cake. Cake is something that is deliciously GOOD; it’s light and fluffy, and covered with all kinds of thick rich melt in your mouth frosting. It is NOT something that you could build houses with.
Think about it, WHO in their RIGHT mind puts candied fruit in something they call cake, and has the consistency of a gold brick? Does THAT sound appetizing???
Being a decent cook, I can tell you first hand, Fruit Cake is supposed to be AGED like a fine wine for 10 weeks after it is baked. YUP…You heard me, 10 freakin’ weeks. WHAT???? If something that has to be AGED, it better be able to give me one HELL of a Buzz, or have some FLAVOR to it, otherwise it AIN’T (YES…I KNOW I SAID AIN’T) comin’ across THESE lips.
For those of you who actually LIKE Fruit cake, well, you know the old saying…He/She is nuttier than a… Well…You get the idea. Merry Xmas everyone…