The Easter Bunny

 

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When I was a kid, growing up Catholic was a challenge. First, there was Catholic schools with sadistic nuns, feelings of constant guilt as to whether I would go to Heaven, just because I swiped a piece of candy while shopping with my mother, and of course constant finger pain inflicted upon you by the sadistic nuns. 

Here’s where I’m going with this, when Lent came around, my family always made me give up something I REALLY loved for the 40 day period before Easter as a sacrifice,(I guess). Usually it was one of my favorite TV shows at the time, and YES, we had TV back then…Gheese!!! 

Anyway, I would be soooooooooo glad when Easter came because Then I could watch my favorite TV show again. My favorite thing about Easter though was because of Easter Bunny coming. He/she would leave colored eggs, candy, small toys to play with, and of course the basket with these delicious treats was always hidden. 

That’s right, early Easter morning I would sneak into Mommy’s and Daddy’s room, wake them up, (quietly of course…HEY….GET THE HELL UP YOU GUYS, THE EASTER BUNNY CAME LAST NIGHT!!!), and begged them to start the search for my basket. 

Usually, the basket was hidden in a rather obvious place because I was little and didn’t have my GPS skills honed at that point in my life. They would watch as I would search behind the couch or in the laundry hamper until I would finally find my stash of gold. 

I would hoot and holler like a banshee on steroids when I would find my stash,  they would grin from ear to ear. Ahhhh, those were the memories that take me back during this Easter season. To be a kid again would be great wouldn’t it?

 

I hope everyone out there has a very Happy Easter, and may all your dreams come true…

 

 

 

 

Sue’s Fractured Fairy Tales

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Once upon a time in a land far far away, (I never get tired of that opening), there lived a poor farmer and his wife. They were a happy couple, worked hard throughout the day tending to their fields, feeding their chickens, slopping their pigs, and, at the end of the day, they came back to their small shack of a home, ate dinner and went to bed.

Now, the farmer and his wife were a happy couple, (I said this before but I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention), and for years, they had been trying to have children but were never lucky enough to conceive.

One day while the farmer was out in the fields, a great gust of wind arose from the West out of nowhere. When the farmer looked up, standing before him was an old withered man with a cane. Well, the farmer was amazed and asked, “Where did YOU come from?”

The old man looked up at the farmer with his worn face and stubbly beard and said, ” I am your hope and your salvation. I come from a long line of fairies and I am here to answer your prayers.” “What do you mean the farmer asked, confused?”

“I am here to grant your request for a baby said the fairy, BUT…before I grant your wish, there is just one SMALL request I would ask of you.” The farmer slowly nodded and said “ANYTHING”. Well said the fairy, I need you to sell off all your chickens to raise enough money to buy me new cane.” “Sure” said the farmer, “I’ll do it today.” “No”, said the fairy, wait until tomorrow, you MAY get a better price”.

The farmer agreed and was happy as a new born pig in mud. He RAN home, told his wife what had happened and she just beamed with happiness. Now, being over zealous, his wife thought why wait until tomorrow? She gathered all the chickens and the eggs, took them to market while the farmer napped, and sold all the chickens.

Upon receiving the money, she departed for home. Half way across the fields, a huge gust of wind appeared. There before her stood the old fairy with his cane. Angrily, he addressed the wife and said, “I told your husband NOT to sell the chickens until TOMORROW, now I do NOT have enough money to buy a new cane.”

Apologizing, the farmers wife pleaded to the fairy to have pity on them and begged him to give them a child. The fairy refused and  disappeared into a puff of smoke.

Moral: Never do TODAY what you can put OFF until TOMORROW!!!!!!!

Hey, back off BUCKOS…I just write them…

Just Ask Sooz

 

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Dear Sooz:

I know you like quirky letters so I thought I would write you, here’s my problem. I am a 32 year old woman who loves to eat clay, Playdoh, and sand.

It all started when I was a child in school where they had modeling clay during playtime. I would make stuff and then secretly eat some of it. I have always loved the taste and have never gotten the craving out of my system.

When I go to the beach, it’s the sand that I love to eat. I know this is weird but I just can’t help it. I probably go through three sets of Playdoh and modelling clay per week. I seem to have no ill effects and yet I am ashamed, what can I do? Am I crazy?

Sandy Beach-less

Dear Sandy:
No, you are NOT crazy, well, not because of this eating disorder anyway. While I’m NOT a Dr., I’m guessing you have a condition known as Pica. It is generally characterized by acquiring a taste for things that are non-nutritive like, clay, ice, sand, and many other strange things.

Just out of curiosity, how do you like your Playdoh, rolled into balls, sausage like, or do you just take it to go? Just kidding here…Sorry.

I definitely recommend that you see your Dr. immediately as there can be complications with your digestive tract. This CAN be controlled, so see your physician as soon as you can. Obviously you are still with us and you haven’t mentioned any health problems, but, sooner or later with this eating habit, you may be pushing your luck.
By taking control of this problem now, you will lead a better and more “normal” life, AND, there will be much more BEACH and PLAYDOH left for US and other children to enjoy. I wish you much success.

 

 

Giggle Time– The Married Couple

 
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Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to,
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. 
 
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom 
and pulled him out. 
 
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged
from the hospital,
as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “
Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged,
 
since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.”

“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I’m sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied, “Ralph didn’t hang himself, I just put him there to dry. 

How soon can I go home?” 

Happy Mental Health Day! 

 
 
 
 
 

 

Just Ask Sooz

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Dear Sooz:

I want to vent about my mother-in-law, she is a real pill Sooz. Let me just say that I am always nice to her; I hold no ill will towards her, and yet, she treats me like a servant girl. I even have invited her to lunch to talk about it but she speaks in three word sentences.

I have asked my husband but he says that it is just my imagination and that I shouldn’t worry about it, but I do. I’ll give you an example, at Thanksgiving, I told her that I would make the turkey and that she could bring what ever else she wanted, not bad, right?

Well, let me tell you, she showed up with an already cooked bird and all the other trimmings. She said that her son only likes it cooked a certain way and that he was used to having her cooking. I just withered away in the background as not start a fight while my husband was there.

I was pissed Sooz, and when I told my husband about it, all he said was that was just her way. I got no support at all. What, if anything, can I do to correct this situation?
Surf in a Turf Land

Dear Surf:

It appears as though mommy just doesn’t want to give up her baby boy. She still sees him as an infant, taking care of him, and doing everything for him.She is reluctant to give up her FREAKIN’ control. First, I would go to your husband and say: “Look SLICK, either YOU stand up to your mother or I will.” Tell him that you would hate to see her all burned from an “accidental” FLAME THROWER incident.

Let him know in NO uncertain terms that you are HIS wife and as such, he should support you 100%. Explain that YOU are a nice person dammit and you DESERVE to be treated accordingly. It is HIS responsibility to take the lead on this one. Follow it up and make sure that your mamma’s boy does it. If he doesn’t, there is always the FLAME THROWER idea.

Good Luck…

Giggle Time–The Sex Talk

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A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

 
Husband: Sukitaki
 
Wife replies: Kowanini
 
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
 
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
 
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!
 

 
I can’t believe you just sat and tried to read this — as if you understood  Japanese!
 
You’ll read anything as long as it is about sex. You need help!!
 

 

 
 
 

 

Giggle Time–The Pharmacist

>
>>
>>
>>
>>>> Marie, a nice, calm and
>>>> respectable Cajun lady went into the Towne pharmacy, walked up to
>>>> the pharmacist whose name is Boudreaux, looked straight into his
>>>> eyes, and said, “I would like ta buy some cyanide.”
>>>>
>>>> Then Boudreaux asked,
>>>> “Mais, Why in de world do ya need
>>>> cyanide?”
>>>>
>>>> Marie replied, “Ah need it to poison my husband.”
>>>>
>>>> Boudreaux eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! A…h
>>>> can’t give you cyanide to kill you husband, dat’s against de law!
>>>> I’ll lose my license!
>>>> They’ll throw boat of us in jail! All kinds of bad tings will
>>>> happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Marie reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
>>>> husband Thibodeaux in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
>>>>
>>>> Boudreaux looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t told me
>>>> you had a prescription.”

Life in the Asylum (I Mean Rehab.) Conclusion

So here I was in rehab. gettin’ better… Puking, shaking so bad I was creating 4.2 earthquakes, hallucinations, and fever, Yuuup….I was definitely gettin’ better.

I may have exaggerated a little bit here, the earthquakes I created may have only been 3.2 on the Richter scale. At any rate, my body was slowly getting rid of the poisons that had haunted it for years. I was becoming free, free from my master, alcohol.

Slowly the shakes lessened, the fever subsided, and my mind began to clear. It was at THIS stage that I took an oath, never again would I become a slave to drink. Never again would I permit myself to be deluded into thinking that I could just have one.  I was, am, and always WILL be an alcoholic, and as such, I must remain dry.

The intense therapy was really an eye opener. Day after day I would go to both group and then private sessions, spilling my guts, and slowly finding out exactly WHY I thought I needed to drink. I realized through psycho therapy, that I was using alcohol as a crutch to be the person I wanted to be, confident, strong willed, and easily sociable with people.

I was made to understand that I always HAD these traits and abilities and that I didn’t NEED alcohol to conduct myself accordingly. Wow!!! It was a real eye opener for me when I finally realized that I COULD be this person WITHOUT the added crutch. Self realization is a POWERFUL thing.

Today, as I write this, I am glad that I had a friend who leaned, no, PUSHED me into making this decision. If it hadn’t been for her, I may STILL be out there on the same destructive path I had been on for some time. Becca…You KNOW me better than anyone else here, and if not for you, I may have wound up losing my job, my home, and my self respect. I am FOREVER in your debt.

To everyone ELSE here who has supported me, encouraged me, and have just been there to say “Well Done Sooz”, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are all my FAMILY, I respect you, and I appreciate each and everyone of you.

 OK…No more straight stuff for a while now, let’s get to the levity. May the Deity of your choice, Bless, and guide you all, and may the future bring happiness and prosperity for you, and your loved ones.
Sooz