I couln’t resist…:)
A little girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about ‘that hair.’Her mom calmly said- “that is your secret place, which we now refer to as “Monkey”…Be proud in knowing that your monkey has grown hair”The little girl smiled.At dinner, she calmly told her sister-”My monkey has grown hair.”Her sister smiled and said-“That’s nice, mine is already eating bananas!”Momma fainted.
10. Only having a four word vocabulary…Nuff said…
9. McDonalds is NOT a FINE dining restaurant…Just Sayin’.
8. Honking your horn to let her know you’re there.
7. Smelling like you just came from cleaning the fish market.
6. Dressing like you just came from a Woodstock Concert (Look it up)…J
5. Burger King and a Porn film does NOT count as dinner and a movie.
4. Trying to impress us with your BURPING prowess.
3. Talking about your MOTHER all the time while on the date…
2. Listening to Gangsta RAP to “set the mood”.
1. Having your date ask you if you take CREDIT cards.
Until Later…
1. How do you maneuver Cumming together?
This is something that USUALLY takes a lot of practice. What you see on TV or read about in magazines or books is a fantasy. MOST couples DON’T Cum together. The best way to achieve this is for BOTH couples to tease each other to the point of Cumming and then back off. Repeat this a few times and BOTH parties will be sexually turned on enough to cum at the same time.
2. I have NEVER had an Orgasm, how can I achieve one?
I hear this all the time from women. The trick here is to learn how YOUR body works and what pleases you through masturbation. First, take a mirror and check out your vagina. While watching, feel your outer lips, then; pull it back to experience the rest of your inner lips… Gently touch yourself and see what feels good to you. Experiment with lubricant, dildos and vibrators. Practice this until you are able to experience an orgasm. Once YOU are able to achieve orgasm over and over, it will be a LOT easier to achieve with a partner.
3. How can I tell if I am Bisexual?
First off, let me say this, I don’t LIKE labels. Each of us are different. I, for example, knew I liked BOTH men and women when I was very young. If you are attracted to both, chances are that you are Bi-sexual. There is NOTHING wrong with that. We are attracted to who we are attracted to…Period.
4. I can’t seem to get enough sex, is there something WRONG with me?
NO…There is nothing wrong with you. We each have different levels of sex drives. There IS no “normal” sex drive. The only thing I would advise is to hook up with someone who has the same level of sex drive that you do. OR…Remain single and have at it.
5. Why is it that when guys have a lot of sex there is nothing wrong with it, when women do however, we are considered easy or sluts?
Thankfully, I believe that the double standard here is changing. People need to realize that what’s OK for one is certainly OK for the other. This caveman thinking is what has set us back for so long. Don’t sweat the small stuff…
6. Can men be multi-orgasmic?
While it is NOT common based on recovery time for the penis, studies have shown that a small percentage of men CAN experience multiple orgasms. Personally, I have never had this experience from ANY of my male lovers.
7. Can most women learn to squirt, (Have female ejaculations)?
Yes… This occurs usually through a G spot orgasm. This is one of the most amazing orgasms. Make sure your partner is trained in this technique and you will never want to let him/her go. If you want more information, please PM me for details on learning this technique. You MUST be 18 years or older for me to respond.
8. How can I achieve multiple orgasms?
You must be in a high state of excitement in order to achieve this experience. Once your partner gives you an orgasm, the easiest way is through oral stimulation. Many women have never experienced this wonderful feeling. The best way is to have your first orgasm through G spot stimulation. Many times the heightened orgasm will trigger others through clitoral stimulation.
9. Is anal intercourse unhealthy or unnatural?
No…As long as you have emptied your anal cavity earlier and are well groomed, there are no health issues…Nothing is unnatural. Just make sure that a LOT of lubricant is used and enter slowly and go deeper gradually. By doing this it will make things a lot less painful and you will BOTH enjoy the experience. Note: NEVER make your girlfriend try this if she is at ALL uncomfortable with the idea as it is NOT for everyone.
10. Will alcohol or drugs enhance the orgasmic experience?
A glass or two of wine before sex will help relax you and will definitely add to the experience. Other drug use I can’t answer as I have never personally tried it. However, I definitely would NOT do any drugs that are not OK’d by the Government.
This is sort of a funny rant. I donate blood regularly. I know that the need is always there and well, it is just a good thing to do. OK…I hear snickering behind my back….”How can you donate BLOOD Sooz when most of your body is comprised of ALCOHOL?” I would respond in a sober and civilized manner, however, that is NO LONGER possible.
Here’s the thing, every time I go to give blood, (I think it is every 6 weeks), I get a card that tells me when I go in for my next appointment. Being a relatively intelligent and well organized individual, I come home, get drunk, I mean put the appointment on my calendar, and I’m done.
The thing that ticks me off is this, The Red Cross calls me EVERY DAY. No lie…every F**KING day. Wouldn’t you think in a world full of vast technology and SMART ASS SUPER COMPUTERS they would KNOW when I last donated blood?
Honestly, The Red Cross is worse that telemarketers. The thing is, you can’t even PUT them on your do not call list because I have given my blood voluntarily and NOW it is OK for them to call ‘cause it’s not like a solicitation call.
Another thing, they must have like 2 Gazillion different workers there because not ONCE have I spoken to the same person. I am usually very nice when they call and just say something like, “ I just donated YESTERDAY and can’t give again for 6 weeks.” They say, “OK, we will put that in our records so no one calls you before the designated time period.”
The next day…Ring….Ring….”Hello, this is Bla Bla Bla from The Red Cross Calling about donating blood, we see that you are a repeat donor and as such we” …………Ad Nauseam. I just don’t GET it…*Scratches head*.
I think the NEXT time they call, (That would be tomorrow as they have ALREADY called today), I am just going to say something like this: “Sue can’t come to the phone right now, she has been donating blood DAILY and is in the HOSPITAL getting a BLOOD transfusion.” Gheeeeeese… Thanks for listening.
Until Later…
CC: The Attorney General
The Red Cross
Anyone who will HEAR my plea
Dear Sooz:
I have a very embarrassing question. I am an 18 year old virgin who wants to make love with my boyfriend. The trouble is, we are both virgins and are both shy about well, doing it.
He has reservations about how he will perform and I am worried that I won’t be able to satisfy him. We both *want* to, we are just scared. Can you give us any advice? I am turning to you because I don’t feel comfortable talking about such a private matter with any of my friends or my mom.
Unsexy Suzie
Dear Unsexy Suzie:
First of all…NICE name…Hehehehe. Oh honey…You have come the Luuuuuve Dr. and I sincerely understand your dilemma. It IS odd in today’s day and age that someone of your age hasn’t already taken the proverbial plunge into sexual delight.
Let me assure you, you will both be fine. The more you WORRY about NOT pleasing each other, the greater the tension will be and then NO ONE will experience the pleasure you truly deserve.
Get a few things together first. If you drink, have a couple nips beforehand, this will help you BOTH relax and make for a better first time. Next, buy some lubricant. I can NOT stress this enough. I seriously doubt that your Hyman is still intact, BUT…Better to be safe than sorry.
Next, make sure you have condoms available, no point in taking any chances having a little Diaper Changing SURPRISE in nine months. TELL your boyfriend what feels good to you. Take his hand and show him how you wanna be touched. Men WANT to be good lovers, trouble IS, most have to be taught, they are NOT mind readers after all.
Take it slow, undress each other slowly. Tease him; kiss him lightly at first and then harder as the passion ignites. Foreplay is paramount. Let him know that you wanna take a while to get your engine roaring. Here is where the lubricant comes into play. Make sure that your WHO HA is WELL LUBED. The more lube the better. This will help the first time go a lot easier.
As far as not satisfying HIM, NO WORRIES, once he sees you nude, and touches your breasts, he will be LUCKY if he doesn’t lose his load before he even enters you. Just have him go slow and tell him to touch you sensually.
If you do as I’ve mentioned, BOTH you AND Mr. Happy will be well satisfied. Hint…Make sure you have PLENTY of condoms. I’m SURE after the first time, he will want to try it again and again…Hope all goes well…
You fall down a well and send Lassie to the liquor store.
Bartenders call you when you’ve been absent for more than two days.
Lawn sprinklers are sometimes your alarm clock.
You wake up in a strange city not knowing how you got there, and the three other guys don’t know either.
You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.
You lost a fistfight with yourself.
It takes two shots of schnapps to wash the taste of Breathalyzer out of your mouth.
You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer.
You went on vacation for two weeks and the owner of your regular bar had his boat repossessed.
You’ve asked a bartender to “freshen up” your shot glass.
Bars call in their off-duty bartenders when you walk in the door.
You’ve asked a waiter: “What sort of wine goes with vodka?”
When buying floor tile, you press your face against it to see how comfortable it would be to sleep on.
You get into a loud, enraged argument, then realize you’re alone.
—Hugh Janblack, Dave Schalmo, Barcalounge, Drunken JackFlask, Geofflilley and FKR.
1. I CAN’T think of ANYTHING to write.
2. DAMN IT…My pen just ran out of ink.
3. Writing on bathroom walls is an ART, BUT…I never WENT to ART school soooooooooooo????????
4. Let’s see…Nope, already there…Hmmmm…No…Again there…Damn, there is NOTHING left to write.
5. Now I sit to take a S**T, my pen in hand but must admit, the writing here is really great, so I will NOT depreciate.
6. I don’t wanna write THAT again, I could be held for Plagiarism.
7. Someone here has put both Shakespeare AND Dr, Seuss
here to shame…
8. If a PICTURE speaks a Thousand words…WHY aren’t there more damn PICTURES here??????
9. Hey…This is he SIXTH time I’ve read for a good time call this NUMBER…WITHOUT a number…WTF?????? Did their “PRIVATES” get repossessed or something??? Can they no longer HAVE a good time???
10. Here I sit to take a C**P, to write a little and things like that, should I run out of time or ink, the worst I leave is a little STINK…
Until Later…
Tonight’s The Night.
See me dance Au-natural in the glow of moonlight’s charm.
Holding you in my hands, drinking from thy forbidden fruit.
Wishing that thy nectar would continue to course through my body ’till eternity’s demise.
Spare me no mercy lover, make me drunk from thy strength,
Make me submit to thy powerful come hither spell.
Touch my danger zone with thy forceful poison.
Consume me until mornings light, then let the dance begin again.
THINK ABOUT IT…:)
A chicken farmer went to the local bar.
He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.The woman said, “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”“What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, “It is a special day for me. I’m celebrating.”“It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” said the woman.“What a coincidence.” said the farmer.While they toasted, the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?”“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant.”“What a coincidence,” said the man. “I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile , but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.”“This is awesome,” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”“I used a different rooster,” he said.The woman smiled and said, “What a coincidence”
